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Old 10-25-2003, 12:36 AM   #1 (permalink)
Crazy
 
Location: Bit Bucket
not about sex... i would want to think...

Alright alright alright. Another anonymous person on the web with a problem. Who knew I'd be the one who wanted to vent and "whine" to the faceless masses.

Background: Four years ago, I began dating this girl. We only went out for seven months, but she was the first girl I truly fell completely in love with. My first true love, my first sexual partner, my first 'completion'. We were long-distance for some time towards the end of the relationship and I guess this is where things began to fall apart. At one point, one of her best friends made an advance on her and a few days later she confessed this to me when I sensed something was wrong. Being the forgiving person that I was at the time, I was willing to try and move past that and save our relationship. I asked her what she wanted to do; Save our relationship, or end it. Her response, "I want to -try- and be with him." That ended the relationship that day. For almost a year, I didn't speak with her. It was easy though since we were now seperated by half the country because of my transfer to a new college (unrelated). I got over her, or at least, I thought I did.

I spoke to her on a day that doesn't really stand out from any other for any reason other than this event. I thought at that time that I was over the issue. (sidenote: her new relationship had failed miserably and to this day, she hasn't spoken with that guy). Over time, her and I spoke more frequently. Our friendship was rebuilt cautiously and over time, I put that event completely behind me and I can honestly say I am no longer bitter about it. Yay me and my lack of a spine, or maybe its just that I'm nice. Call it what you may!

Over the last two years that we've been friends, I've conciously thought of her as a friend, and only as a friend. It was never more than that to me, or I thought.

About a month ago, I moved to St. Louis because of a job. This girl lived just over an hour away, and that was fine. We were only friends and that's all I needed, wanted, assumed. Since the move, we've hung out a couple times, and I think this is where the problems have started to arise. All of these feelings and thoughts and emotions and urges that I didn't even know still existed, they have all begun to flood to the surface and I don't fully comprehend why. Why now? I mean, I know it's because I'm seeing her again. Seeing her face, her laugh, her eyes, her body. I'm smelling her, again. But why has this caused all of this crap to rush out again? I don't know if I'm still in love with her. I don't know if it's purely a sexual thing because she was the first girl I had fallen in love with and (no surprise) the first girl I had slept with.

It's these "hidden features" of the human psyche that are causing bursts of depression and feelings of loneliness again. I hate it, and I have nobody to talk to about it. Before, she was the person I could talk to about everything. Now, she's the target of my problems and I can't open up and tell her these things. Why not you ask? What makes this so difficult? Just tell her! .... Not - that - easy.

So as one random line of thought runs into another runs into another runs into another in this post, I find myself drained. I've beared my inner self to a group of anonymous trolls and TFP addicts. My new home, my new friends, my new mental salvation. Heh.

Feels good to just open that gate and let it start to flood out. Feels like crap because I know nobody has an answer that is guaranteed to make these problems vanish in the blink of an eye. So for now, I bid you adieau, or whatever. I really don't expect many to answer this thread. I would be fine if it collected dust. Sometimes a person just needs to let it out just for the sake of letting it all out. I already feel better about it, I just wish it could have been to a friend via my own voice and not to a group of strangers via my keyboard.
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Old 10-25-2003, 01:42 AM   #2 (permalink)
The Cheshire Grin...
 
Location: An Aussie Outback
Hi and welcome,

I think there are so many roads you can take with this. But really only you can decide what is right for you and your life. But as all we all need to vent sometimes. Even if it is just to a group of anonymous trolls and TFP addicts We're not all that bad are we??

You might need to sit down with her and ask her what really is goin on her? Is she in this friendship to get more from you? If so then will you be able to cope with being with this woman, your first true love..

I've been told by many a person that women are huggy creatures, they like to hold their mate hug them to death and feel close to them. I'd say that's why your relationship probably went sour at the end cause you were apart. My mother, with words I stand by, says "If love is true it can cross any distance". Myself, I'm currently in a relationship with a girl who I love very very deeply, I'm engaged to her, but the thing is is at the end of last year we broke up because things were bad with us. I was doin stupid things and because I was unsure of 'us'. So I moved away.. two hours by flight. When we were together I promised that she could come up for a holiday one time if I moved back. She did and I'm so glad that she did. We had the best time, I felt whole again, a part of myself that had been missing for so long. We got engaged August this year. We're still far apart but we love each other so much that the distance only causes little problems. I fly down there every two months to see her so it is all good.

So.. um.. you see my point? lol But the thing I'd REALLY like to know is WHY you can't open up to her and talk to her? Sometimes the best thing to do is confront your problems head on and lay all your cards out on the table..

ok ok.. I'm finished.. Sorry if it doesn't make sense.. I hope it does
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Last edited by GoldenOuroboros; 10-25-2003 at 01:45 AM..
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Old 10-25-2003, 01:46 AM   #3 (permalink)
don't ignore this-->
 
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Location: CA
nostalgia is a bitch. not seeing her on a regular basis at first helped you put it behind you because you didn't have to deal with it. Now you find yourself unprepared to handle these emotions.

My advice: don't get involved with this girl again. she made the choice of convenience over love, and that's a deplorable decision in my opinion. If you feel yourself unable to drag on like this, tell her you can't see her for a while, you need to sort some stuff out first. she lives a good distance away, it's not like you're forced to see her or anything.

However, that's just my opinion, and it's entirely possible that she's having the same confused feelings about you. How you handle the situation is entirely up to you, but if i were in your shoes, I'd take a break, step back, and try to complete myself without someone else.
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Old 10-25-2003, 02:39 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Location: Arizona
I went through something very similar to this myself when I joined the Army. I found out that while I was gone, the girl I had been dating before I joined, a girl I was truly in love with, had started to see someone else while I was in training for my job. I hated her for this and broke off any bond we had for a long while. The reason I hated her for it was I was still in love with her but knew I couldn't be with her after what she had done. However, about 8 months ago when I got deployed to Iraq she started writing me emails telling me that what she did was wrong and how she really wished she hadn't done it and wanted to get back with me. Deep down I really wanted to just say yes and that I would be with her when I got back, but I sat on it for a while without writing her back. I'm really glad I did because it helped me to realize that I was really just trying to hold onto the feelings I had with her when we were still together, and that I should just keep our relationship in the friend status.

My advice to you, keep talking to her. See how things go after a long period of time and then make your decision based on your heart. Just don't rush into getting hurt again.
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Old 10-25-2003, 04:45 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Location: San Marvelous
Talk to her. See how she reacts.
If you can't cut it as "just friends," don't see her again.
It's very rare that former lovers can go back to being just friends. very rare indeedy.
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Old 10-25-2003, 05:18 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Yep ... talk to her about it so no one gets hurt. These things normally don't work out, but given that you've been friends again ... and given that you both might have matured since that time ... who knows?
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Old 10-25-2003, 12:16 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Location: Oklahoma
If she had cheated on you when you were living close together, then I would say dump her. However long distance plays havoc with relationships (particularly when you are young and maybe not as self-confident). Yes, this was a mistake on her part but not a completely unforgivable one. You can never know what may come out of it, but you must talk to her about it in order to clarify it both for your and her sakes.
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Old 10-25-2003, 11:48 PM   #8 (permalink)
Crazy
 
Location: Bit Bucket
this is really fucking bothering me...

third night in a row that her and i have gone and done something with other people involved, and its the third night in a row i find myself severely depressed.

her friend was having a party tonight so she invited me and our mutual friend "brad" along. thought it would be fun, so sure, lets go. get there, things are alright, but i just have this... weird feeling. as the evening continues to progress on, i hear one of her other friends make a joke that three of her ex-boyfriends are going to be there (he is unaware that I am one of them too, so that's four, shoot me now, please?). then she and him get into this 'debate' over how many of them are actually ex-boyfriends and how many of them were just 'good friends *wink wink*'. well, my stomach just turns sour, my mood goes straight to shit, and the evening continues to spiral downward for me. she basically kept away from me the entire night, spending a lot of her time with our mutual friend "brad". this further added to my growing depression and got to the point where i just told her we were leaving because i didn't want to be at the party any more. [sidenote: the party sucked. ton of underage kids and even more people i didn't know and didn't want to know, and i was the designated driver because her car was having 'problems']

as we were leaving, she asked me what was wrong, and i told her that i wanted to talk to her about it later, not in front of "brad". in the car she asked why towards the end of the last three evenings we've hung out, why i kept getting grumpy. again i told her we'd talk about it later. every time i told her that i wanted to talk to her in private later, she was like 'okay' with this little chuckle like it was funny....................................

why is that funny????

hopefully we can sit down and talk about this because if we don't, i may just cut her from my life entirely until i can figure these things out. after over two years of not seeing her at all, these rush of emotions and feelings and questions that have shot to the surface of my mind and it's an overload. i'm not emotionally prepared to handle this much crap all at once.

gah. girls. hearts. emotions. depression. i hate these things right now.
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Old 10-26-2003, 12:45 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Location: Berkeley
She sounds kind of inconsiderate to me. I hate see that kind of thing happen, because life is difficult enough without a girl you really like making you feel miserable.

I would walk away from this one, for now at least. There are girls around every corner that can make you feel happy. If they don't, then I would go back and try to see where things could go with her. I would also recommend being more clear with her about how her behavior affects you. Don't be self-conscious.

If you can't really talk to her about it, then, respectfully, you can't expect her to be able avoid making you so unhappy.
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Old 10-26-2003, 02:50 AM   #10 (permalink)
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She was your first- is she still your only? If that's the case, you're just stuck on her mentally because she means comfort to you, she's familiar (mentally, not as in "a friend") to you. You're also getting grumpy because you're feeling jealousy when you have no right to be jealous- not to say you're not human for feeling that way, but- she's not your girlfriend. What she's done with other guys is not your concern, nor is it any of your business, and you need to be able to face that to get over this.

If you haven't been with any other girls, why not? Go do that. Be her friend, but stay a friend. Or, just fuckin talk to her and see where she stands with you two. She may be employing jealousy tactics to make you want to get back with her. Girls are fuckin CRAZY with that sometimes.

Good luck, let us know.
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Old 10-26-2003, 04:32 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Location: Arizona
I can truly empathize with the way you felt at that party, had the same thing happen to me before. I now believe you need to stay away from her completely, and try to find another girl to spend time with. She seems to be getting a real thrill out of making guys jelouse and your just feeding that by getting grumpy when seeing her with other guys. Honestly, stay away. Don't even bother with the friendship, cuz it's gonna tear you apart
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"This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is it vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished, as the once vital voice of the verisimilitude now venerates what they once vilified. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose vis--vis an introduction, and so it is my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V."
- V
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Old 10-26-2003, 05:31 AM   #12 (permalink)
Upright
 
Quote:
Originally posted by devnull

gah. girls. hearts. emotions. depression. i hate these things right now.

once you talk with her you'll be able to make a better decision about the whole thing. Although it sounds as if you may just be better off breaking ties again and moving on to another relationship in a few months. Its easier said than done, but if you can convince yourself its over, it will make it easier on yourself.
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Old 10-26-2003, 12:31 PM   #13 (permalink)
Crazy
 
Location: Bit Bucket
Quote:
Originally posted by Johnny Rotten
There are girls around every corner that can make you feel happy.
heh, yeah, but they usually charge money j/k. It's pretty hard for me right now to go meet people because I've just moved to a new city and don't have a large enough income to go out and have a relatively decent social life where I can start meeting people. I also work from home so meeting others at the workplace is too hard too. *stares out his window*

Quote:
Originally posted by analog
She was your first- is she still your only? If that's the case, you're just stuck on her mentally because she means comfort to you, she's familiar (mentally, not as in "a friend") to you. You're also getting grumpy because you're feeling jealousy when you have no right to be jealous- not to say you're not human for feeling that way, but- she's not your girlfriend. What she's done with other guys is not your concern, nor is it any of your business, and you need to be able to face that to get over this.

If you haven't been with any other girls, why not? Go do that. Be her friend, but stay a friend. Or, just fuckin talk to her and see where she stands with you two. She may be employing jealousy tactics to make you want to get back with her. Girls are fuckin CRAZY with that sometimes.

Good luck, let us know.
This girl was my first, but after we broke up, I was with a number of other girls over the last three years. I never really found that attachment with any of them (save for one), and I think that's what is causing me the problem. But I'll keep you all informed of how things are going and where I go down this so called road of life.
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Old 10-26-2003, 04:59 PM   #14 (permalink)
Banned
 
Quote:
Originally posted by devnull
This girl was my first, but after we broke up, I was with a number of other girls over the last three years.
Well this is easy then. You're attached not because she's all you've known, but because you actually really feel for her. You've had other relationships, most especially you were able to feel deeply about another girl (even just 1). Take her out to a nice dinner or something similar, just the two of you. Ask her about her feelings about you and her. If she says she's just your friend, move on. If she professes she still feels for you, then try and make something with her.

My main point is that it's not you, psychologically, that's the hangup here. You're not conflicted on her. You're just experiencing jealousy and nostalgia like everyone else does. This means that either she wants to be with you again, or she doesn't- in which case, just move on. You'll find something better.

Good luck, keep us posted.
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Old 10-26-2003, 05:39 PM   #15 (permalink)
Upright
 
Quote:
Originally posted by devnull I never really found that attachment with any of them (save for one), and I think that's what is causing me the problem.
believe me.. there will be others that you will become equally attached to. The next one may break your heart also or she could be the one for you. You always have to be mindful that there are always speed bumps and pot holes that are un avoidable. You just have to decide which road to choose.

Sometimes our "heart" doesn't let us make rational decisions. We make decisions because we don't want the pain of being alone.

there will besomeone else. look for some sort of dating services or just chat rooms where you can meet people. Its never easy to start again. Espically on your own.
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Old 10-28-2003, 10:47 PM   #16 (permalink)
Crazy
 
Location: Bit Bucket
in short... it really hurts when you find out someone else is completely over you...

feels like i've got a fourty pound weight on my chest right now. was hoping that this talk would have relieved some of the weight i was carrying, not make it feel worse.
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