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Old 10-27-2003, 02:27 AM   #1 (permalink)
Crazy
 
I'm lame, HELP!

Hi All,

maybe you all can help me with a really stupid problem i have with my girlfriend.

First let me give you a little background on myself, sorry if it's long winded. When i was 19 i got with a girl that would be my partner for the next 5 years. I thought she was the one, so much so that we even got engaged! A week before my 24th b'day, after moving to london together, i suggested that we split up, and she didnt argue. it was pretty clear that we simply grew apart over the years. I had a stage of being an absolute stud (slut), and really came out of my shell. I managed to shag a girl pretty much every weekend, but just felt dirty for having done it. i guess i'm just not that sort of guy. i like to have a girl i can love, cherish and get to know really well. thats where my new girlfriend comes in. she is about 7 years younger than me, i'm 27, her 20. she lives about 1000 miles away and we see each other every fortnight if we're lucky, usually every month. Its going really well. Been seeing each other for about 8 months now and she makes me soooo happy!

the problem: she isnt half as affectionate as my old girlfriend. i really hate being a clingy soppy git, but around her i just cant help it. its really starting to upset me, because if she doesnt kiss me, or hold my hands or whatever in public, i go all weird and think i've done something wrong to fuck up the relationship, when i know in my heart that she is just like that. she just isnt affectionate as i would like. its drviving me nuts! i wish someone would just come and punch me in the face and tell me to wake up! you have a beautiful girlfriend who just recently told you she loves you, and when you;re not being a clingy twat, you have such a great time with her.

I guess i am just used to having myold girlfriend be so affectionate, that i kinda expect it from my new GF. the problem is, and she has told me this, is the fact that when i say she isnt being affectionate it makes her feel inadequate, and thats not my intention at all!

i dunno. i just need to wake the fuck up and smell the roses. i'm so frustrated with myself for being like that, but i just cant help it.

anyways, sorry for the long winded boring post. i guess i just needed to get it off my chest, and i dont really have any close friends that i can do that with in london.

any tips on how i can get over this? i mean, i love the girl to bits and it would be such a shame to let somehting as stupid as this get in between us. i cant seem to just swallow it and act as if's everything is normal though. the long distance between us doesnt help at all, when she's here (or i'm there) i crave her attention like a man possessed! ARGH!!!! FUCK!!!!!

hehe, thanks for listening (and sorry for the typos, needed to get this out quick from work!
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Old 10-27-2003, 04:41 AM   #2 (permalink)
The Cheshire Grin...
 
Location: An Aussie Outback
um.. get over your EX girlfriend O_o

They hate it when you talk about 'them'...
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Old 10-27-2003, 05:54 AM   #3 (permalink)
Crazy
 
no, i dont mention my ex to her.... i aint that dumb!! LOL
and i'm COMPLETELY over my ex. i'm so in love with my current GF.

its just that i'm so used to my girlfriend being very affectionate, and i'm not used to it now... i know i just need to chill out and relax, but when i see once a month, and then when she comes here and isnt affecitonate i kinda freak out a bit...

wish i could just relax and get used to it. i guess give it time....
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Old 10-27-2003, 05:55 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Location: Arizona
well, you could just marry her, then you'll never be clingy again!
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Old 10-27-2003, 07:14 AM   #5 (permalink)
Insane
 
Location: Indiana
It has to be a give and take..... there has to be a compromise in the middle some where that you both could live with. Maybe not kiss in public but just hold hands every now and then. If you are both in love then this shouldn't be to hard to get through!
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Old 10-27-2003, 07:19 AM   #6 (permalink)
Insane
 
I don't know I have never been big on public affection either but that doesn't mean I love my gf any less!! Some people just aren't big on it and not that affectionate. Maybe you could try talking to her to see if that's something she could give you or try to change towards, and if not you have to do some serious thinking because it doesn't mattter if she's beautiful or not this has got to be the woman you are going to spend the rest of your life with. Someone you would love if she lost her arms so think of that and talk to her and see what your feelings are then!!
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Old 10-27-2003, 07:22 AM   #7 (permalink)
Is In Love
 
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Location: I'm workin' on it
1. Stop comparing your current girlfriend with your ex. I know you're not doing it on purpose, and I'm sure you don't say to her "Sally used to hold my hand all the time!" But none the less.... you're doing it

2. Talk to her. Does she even know that you crave more contact?
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Old 10-27-2003, 07:29 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Location: Oklahoma
I think a large part of the problem is your long distance relationship. It is just about impossible to maintain the day-to-day intimacy that leads to these little displays of affection when you are living far apart. Since women connect the state of the relationship with the state of "connection" they have to you, this could lead to her reluctance. It is my guess that when you get together, it gets all hot and heavy (which is perfectly normal). The problem is that there is no real middle-ground here. I wouldn't stress over the fact that she is less affectionate than you like at the moment. When/if you two move closer together to the point where you are together day and night, things should get better. Also part of the problem is her age. She is only 20 years old which is a few years away from when she will fully blossom into the woman she will be. This is an age when many women are very unsure about themselves. They are still doing what is "acceptable" to society rather than living for themselves. Age tends to cure this.
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Old 10-27-2003, 07:31 AM   #9 (permalink)
Psycho
 
Location: northern california
yep this is great, just what every girl likes,,, to be compared to the last girl friend. There are touching people and there non-touching people. I have known guys/girls that like to touch me all the time private and public and they expect it back. Ive known guys/girls who don't they get all uncomfortable being touched. Since this is not about me Im not saying the type I like and am...

Best you not compare... There is and age difference to think about too that can always can contribute to the difficulty. but what do i know my SO is 39 and im 23
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Old 10-27-2003, 09:33 AM   #10 (permalink)
don't ignore this-->
 
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Location: CA
Some girls just aren't as affectionate like that as others. You'll just have to deal with it.

My dad had a girlfriend who was very unaffectionate and refused to even hold his hand. His new girlfriend is much closer to the way he is and likes to hold hands all the time. Some girls crave that kind of constant contact more than others. I myself love holding hands and though I wouldn't call myself clingy I do enjoy that sort of contact. If I were your situation I'd either get over it or find a new girl, you didn't seem to have much trouble finding them in your "stud" days.
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Old 10-27-2003, 02:33 PM   #11 (permalink)
Post-modernism meets Individualism AKA the Clash
 
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Location: oregon
it's hard to get over the fact that first relationships do kind of set the standards for other relationships to come. our past experiences, after all, are part of who we are today. but you have to understand that not everyone treats a relationship the same or acts the same. some may not be comfortable with pda as much as others, some aren't as adventurous in bed, etc. but you have to set all of that aside if you really love this current girl. it doesn't matter what experiences you've had in the past, if she's worth it, don't let something as silly as this get in the way. maybe your ex spoiled or pampered you too much. not all girls are like that. get over it. and just be happy.
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Old 10-27-2003, 03:11 PM   #12 (permalink)
Tilted
 
i agree with what others have said about your current view being affected by the past relationship...you are with a different girl now so you'll need to adjust. however, she should be just as open and willing to be part of the relationship, so communicate with her. tell her what you are feeling and see if she has some kind of apprehensions about showing affection.

take care
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Old 10-28-2003, 02:06 AM   #13 (permalink)
Crazy
 
thanks for the replies everyone, all duly noted!

I know i have to stop comparing her to my old girlfriend, its just that this is only the second time i have had a long term girlfriend. the others were just 2-3 dates or 1 night stands.

i guess my expectations are just too high, and she doesnt need as much attention as i do. i hate being such a soppy wuss! its just so not me, but for some weird reason when i am around her i turn into one!

the long distance doesn't help either. she seems like a super-independent girl, unlike my last GF and i really like that about her! but sometimes it would be nice if she just "needed" me. not over the top, but just needed me from time to time. and she does (very) occasionally which is nice.

I had to say goodbye monday morning, she had to go back home and i wont see her for another 4 weeks! ARGH!!!

thanks for all the replies everyone, i guess i just needed to get it off my chest!
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Old 10-28-2003, 02:11 AM   #14 (permalink)
Crazy
 
oh, and yes, I have tried talking to her about it. thats when she backs away even more and starts saying things like "i dont think i can give you what you need" and says she feels inadequate.

the way i see it is she knows that i need a bit more attention, but she still doesn't give it to me. its almost like her attitude is: "i'll do what i want, noone is going to tell me what to do". i have asked her if sometimes she plays games with me, but she says not intentionally, and not on purpose. i believe her, but i still think she is doing it sub-consiously (spelling?).

i dont know. i just need to be strong and give her the space she needs i guess. everything else about the relationship is just awesome, and more than makes up for the lack of attention. i just have to get used to it.
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