Mettler

So I chatted up this nice girl called Elyse, we got on really well. Were interested in the same stuff, both were sick of being f*cked around by the opposite sex, both interested in a relationship etc.

I was polite to her, treated her like a person rather than a 'hot chick', etc etc. She used to call me every day, during her lunchbreak at work and then when she got home.

I had a coffee date with her, and I spent an evening at her place, we made out & stuff. I asked her out and she said "not yet, I probably will though", and everything seemed all good. I asked if she wanted to get dinner with me this week, she seemed keen for that too.

On monday I spoke to her, and she said she won't be able to make it for dinner because she has overtime at work doing stocktake etc. Fair enough I thought, so I left it at that.

Since then, she hasn't called me again. I called her place on Wednesday night, and her mum told me she'd gone out to the movies. ( Stocktake eh.... ) She's not replying to my text messages, she hasn't called me back when I rang her place, she won't reply to an e-mail I sent her, and I rang her tonight but her mum said she was eating dinner, so I said I'd call back in 15 minutes... but she'd gone out when I called back 15 minutes later.

If she's rejecting me, I'll get over it. I have no clue as to why she would, because I've treated her how she wants to be treated all along. The thing is, I have no f*cking clue as to what's going on, I dunno if she's avoiding me, if she hates me or what.

What the hell is wrong with her ? I texted her tonight asking her to tell me what's up, and if she's rejecting me, to just tell me straight up that's what's happening.

I suspect she's suddenly got another guy who has caught her interest, which actually wouldn't bother me too much if she just TOLD ME WHAT'S GOING ON !!!!

ARGH... how should I deal with this ? It's annoying the crap out of me. Advice/suggestions really welcome. I'm sick of treating people right and being treated like crap in return.

mistered

Some people make the same mistakes over and over when it comes to relationships. They say they want one thing, then they go for the same mistake again.

Forget her and don't lose faith. You'll find someone who will treat you right ... just always keep faith and hang in there. And keep up the search.

wannabenakid247

I can see how that must be really annoying and i would want to know what was going on as well.

However if you keep contacting her its gonna look like your harrassing her. I would just forget about her for the moment and go out with someone else. She may come back to you at a later date or at least explain what it was all about.

Mettler

I'm afraid that's probably what I'm going to have to do. Thing is, I lost my faith a long time ago. I barely ever meet females who I actually like & can hold a conversation with. It doesn't help that I live in a sexually repressed country (New Zealand), that I'm unemployed & depressed and have no convenient means of getting into a conversation with females. I don't so much have a problem with what to say and do, nor with looks or anything, it's just getting in a position where I can be myself that's the problem.

This girl was someone I was prepared to put a lot of effort into, and immediately my attitude and demeanour picked up and was a lot better in the short time I was talking to her. Now that this crap is happening, I'm back in the same hole where I started.

blockmaan2000

She's a woman, what do you expect??

Serioulsy though, go out and find someone else. Living well is the best revenge. If that doesn't suit you, become her stalker and wait on her front porch for her to come home..... just kidding.



block

Mettler

hehehe

To be honest, it's this kind of thing that's making me lose respect for females as humans... I don't see them caring for how guys feel. I'm starting to think that I may well be better off playing the game and just getting laid by heaps of chicks instead of trying to meet someone I like.

It seems a hell of a lot easier than trying to get to know someone. I used to do things this way until I changed my thinking over three years ago, to seeing females as people, and since then I've had way more problems trying to get them. Saddens me to say it but objectifying women has proven (to me at least) to be the way to get them.

My mate Josh is this stupid dishonest crap talking moron with a single digit IQ. (He's actually not my mate anymore, I told him to piss off.) This guy does nothing but talk about his cock, chicks titties, rooting, how he can get any chick he wants etc... he's selfish as, has the biggest ego ever, and he has no respect for females whatsoever. He even talks like that TO them on the phone, and yet he gets his way with hot girls all the time. I'm starting to wonder whether females even deserve the respect that I'm prepared to give them.

skysooner

Don't call her back. This is very common among women who aren't the type you would want to date anyway. They have issues that says they don't want to hurt people so their tactic is to avoid which is worse as far as guys are concerned. If she is showing this little regard for your feelings, you don't need her.

tritium

You went way to far in trying to contact her. I call a few times, but never text message, email, speak with her parents, stalk, or call her work, etc. Just let it go and move on. The point you started text messaging and emailing along with your emails, you went too far.

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blade02

yeh...overkill on the trying to get in touch....as to my theory why girls never say whats up?


I think most girls have this thing where they feel protecting people from bad feelings is more important than telling them the truth....I hate to stereotype, but about 90% of the girls i know act like that.

gabshu

Hey hey, lots of generalizations here. Yes us females are humans too, and I think it's to your best interest to treat us like it. I get the impression that you want something more than to get laid a lot, so my suggestion is keep trying. Unfortunatly some women play games, like this girl, but that's not everything there is.

It does seem to me like this girl is getting it on with another guy, I know I have acted like that before. What she is doing is not fair to you, but I wouldn't press her for information any more. Just move on to the next one, I'm sure there's plenty of girls out there that are better for you.

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rainheart

Here's a little tidbit you probably didn't expect- and might not accept either:
You are already in the game as long as you are alive and single (there is an exception, however, which is that sometimes you don't have to be single.. heh) and this is how it is whether you like it or not.
And you are losing.

I'm not saying you should go out and get laid by heaps of chicks as you put it, but rather to pick up the slack and become someone desirable and act in accordance to females so you can have a good relationship with any girl you want. If you're unemployed, depressed, don't think too highly of yourself in the looks department, then you need to break these habits (take better care of yourself is what I'm saying in short).

If you can't get a job or you're a broke-ass student or whatever, then at least take good care of yourself and be more positive, be proud of who you are.

I wish I could give you specific instructions but I don't know how, and yet we all know these things will help you, it's just common sense that they would. So why not try?

Conclamo Ludus

In response to the thread title:

Because, if you can't figure it out without them telling you, then you must not care enough about them.

At least this is what I've run into on several occasions. Some women, not all, but many I know, will never tell you exactly whats wrong, they want to know that you are capable of understanding them, so they want you to figure it out on their own. Kind of a test. And before someone jumps down my throat for generalizing, I know plenty of guys who do this to women too.

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1337haxor

I'm starting to feel the same way. I always saw girls as human beings but every girl I've met turns out like that. They seem nice and caring in the beginning, but all of a sudden change and you have no idea what's going on. I haven't given up hope yet, but don't know for how long.

insidious_machinae

I 100% agree with Mettler, Rainheart, and Blockmaan2000.

analog

In her mind, she probably feels as though she's given you a pretty clear message- sorry, just not my type.

For you, however, there is nothing but confusion. Girls think guys can pick up the tiniest hints. Sometimes we can- often times, we cannot. Don't lose heart, just move on to another girl. The really good ones don't pull shit like that.

Mettler

Cheers guys. It helps to know others have experienced similar stuff and are providing good advice. I think I pretty much will move on to another one. Situations like this are un-repairable.

Rainheart: I don't have a problem with looks, I didn't say it like that

rainheart

Ok stud

VitaminH

Take note of the hypocrisy of her agreeing with you about being sick of being jerked around by the opposite sex, and then turning and jerking you around.

She ain't worth it, in short.

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Mettler

Heheh, today I sent her a final text message pointing that out to her, then said that's my final message to her. <:
I hope she's capable of reading into that and learning a lesson from it, rather than just thinking that I'm "being an asshole."

vveronica

Thanks again analog...

She prolly is embarrassed to talk to you... It is childish.. I had a firend who everytime she wanted to dump a guy would say she had to go to a wedding... when the guy asked for the third time and got the same responce he got the hint... now that is childish...

just leave it at, she thinks it is a bad match and she does not want to go father in the relationship

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nightshade000

My take on the situation is --some women are pussies the same as men. She doesn't want to deal with the task of rejecting you to your face, so she's just ignoring you and hoping you'll go away. Men do that to women ALL the time. Really, if you're under 30, you have the rest of your life to settle down with one woman. You don't need to 'get laid by heaps of chicks' but I think young adults (myself included) usualy arn't ready for something as committed as I think you're going for right now. I think the real trick is finding that happy middle between sleeping with every girl you can find, and being in a relationship. Perhaps you should date, say, maybe 3 different woman at the same time. And by date, I do mean date, not have 3 g/f's at the same time

wilbjammin

I have a story:

My girlfriend that I went out with for 4 months would have a breakdown about once every 3-5 weeks. In this time, no matter what was going on between us and how good things were, she'd tell me that she was thinking of ending our relationship. Now, I learned that her father was in and out of her life since she was a little girl and he recently died... I thought that if I was understanding and caring and patient enough it would make a big difference and things would work out.

I was wrong.

After the 4th breakdown, she stopped talking to me for 13 days. I sent two serious e-mails telling her what I thought she was doing and why I thought that trying to work through things with me would be good for her because this is a problem that she'll have to deal with for the rest of her life, and she might as well do it with someone who loved her. In the end, she e-mailed me her decision after much silence:

"Will,
Just let me go.
-S"

This has been very painful because she grandly declared for a span of about 2 1/2 months that she loved me and told me more and trusted me more than anyone else ever. Which, is why she left me, I believe. Love, patience, honesty, and understanding isn't enough sometimes... but don't take it personally if anything like this happens to you. Just move on knowing that she really cares about you or loves you, and that this is the best she can do.

If at all possible, I think in the future I will move really slowly from here on out... which is easier said than done, as I am well aware.

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Mettler

Like.... women are just so bizarre >_<
There's nothing you can say or nothing you can do that's guaranteed to appeal to & work on them universally.

motdakasha

Maybe she detected you're the kind of guy who overgeneralizes about her gender and totally turned her off. I think she sensed that you were going to the dark side (misogyny). Intelligent women are pretty keen when it comes to detecting the dark side in men.

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KnifeMissile

Are you being cheeky with the "detection" powers of women? A lot of people I know believe that people have a social "sixth sense" but I find this largely false. Perhaps I'm just projecting myself here 'cause I don't see much of anything in a person other than what they tell me.

While I can understand the desire to not overgeneralize, if something appears to be true for every element in a set and for a sizeably large set, then it ceases to be a generalization (or overgeneralization, as you call it) and simply becomes what you know. BMW's make nice cars. Is that an overgeneralization, or do I say that because every car I've seen them make was really nice?

Eowyn_Vala

Most women don't do this on purpose. Sometimes we don't know how to say things, or what to say exactly. If you listen to her and pay attention, she normally is saying something, and telling you. It even happens in relationships. Even when you are totally in love with your SO, sometimes it's still hard to explain something. You just need them to be there for you and to know they are there.

Guys do that too. What she did was terrible. But not all women do that. I don't think men should be generalizing just because the women they meet do that. Maybe it's where you live, maybe it's your approach. Move on, find someone else. She isn't worth it.

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arch13

But therein lies his problem. She's performing a common social symptom of personal responsability avoidence that's endemic of a larger social problem between our generation of both genders (Ie 18-25 yrs of age). Unfortunatly she, like many, never learned how to deal with an unpleasant situation and has always been taught that it's okay to avoid something that's intensly uncomfortable. Even worse is the that she may in fact believe she is doing the right thing. I won't genralize genders, because both do this in spades.
However, it worries me intensly that my peers cannot come to terms with dealing with that which they may find unpleasant and have learned a lifetime of (and excuse this generalization) PC crap that has taught them that no one should have to do things that make them uncomfortable.
I think her actions are less about honesty (though that is important) and more about an inability to deal with something unpleasant.
That it should have to be infered from her actions as a result of her fear of dealing with something so unpleasant (and it real isn't that horrible) as telling him she's not interested instead of her verbalizing in a straight forward way is a defect in character that does affect a persons ability to be honest or deal with their own emotions. After all, they've spent a lifetime avoiding dealing with the less pleasant things that will have to be dealt with at some point.

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irseg

YES. And I have *ZERO* respect for anyone who does that crap, because I consider it no better than outright lying.

I've had that happen before. Some chick acts like she's totally in love with me, then she just disappears. I quit trying to go after them. Just recently some girl acted like she loved me more than anyone else, then she quit talking to me for a few months for no reason, and then tried to come back after me a few weeks ago. Sorry bitch, you had the chance the first time around and if you would act like a rational mature honest person, you still would.

ForgottenKnight

I have to agree. It seems like we guys just want to be told the truth, even if it is a dagger, while girls are trying not to hurt us by protecting us from bad feelings. All this does is cause the dagger to grow longer and hurt more when the truth comes out and slices into you.

I would take it as a sign that she lost all interest in you or doesn't want the same thing as you want, and so is trying to give you the message by avoiding you, rather than just comming out and telling you the truth.

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tommy thompson

I say, attempt to conact her one last time. By mail if possible. Tell her that you felt an actual connection, mind to mind perhaps. Ask why she is avoiding you. Keep a copy of this letter for yourself. If she does not answer, make the the answers yourself, be as honest as you think she would answer. Then burn up your copy of the letter and be done with her. The only thing you will have to remember to be strong on, is that if she does call back sometime down the road, take the call, but make sure she understands she cannot have you anymore, she had the chance to make something of you two and chose to disregard it. If she cares about you in the least, she will get ahold of you after she gets her letter. There may be a bit of her mum getting in the way as well, her mum may not like you– and she could be thinking the exact same things as you right now. Take your pick in either case, either write her a letter, or contact her in public somewhere and call her on the carpet. If neither of these things sound applicable, then just cut your potential loss and move on. I know for a fact that not all women are the same. They stereotype us guys by our worst examples (your ex chum) and we may pin stereotypes on women in general for a womans actions (such as your case) or worse. Thing is, is that you have to evaluate what you want, what you will accept, and what you will not tolerate anymore. You have to make these decisions and act upon them. Think long term, not short term. If you plan for the long term, you may just find that special someone, no games, no frills, only a good and strong relationship. Now don't get discouraged and write off hte whole female population. A fact of life is this: as we get older, we become MORE desierable to women in general. We become more mature, finacially stable, etc. Women on the other hand become LESS desierable, gain wait, get wrinkles, soured attitudes from getting played like they played so many men themselves. I say make your list of what you will and won't accept and act upon it. Don't make a whole plan, cause you need to stay flexible in your plans, cause things change. But make your decision today about what you want, are willing to accept and are not. AND DON'T CHANGE THOSE DECISIONS. Stick to your guns man, and you will live life, life won't live you!

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RelaX

Reading this thread, I miss one possibility:
That she is just messed up.

Maybe she runs away from relationships when they get serious or something, who knows? I just know that if a girl did the same thing to me as she did to you, I wouldn't have put that much time in it.
That is only contra-productive.

I can't remember who exactly said it first, but:
"If you love something, let it go. If it come back to you it's yours, if it doesn't it never was."

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nanofever

After the second non-returned phone call, I would of dropped her like a bad habit; because, each time you call her you seem more desperate and your social value drops in her eyes. If she actually cares about your or the relationship she will call...

Mettler

I called her this evening and asked her why she stopped calling me, and she just said "I dunno...", I told her she can be honest to me and tell me the actual reason, because I'd like to know... and it was still "I dunno."

But she has found someone she said, bloody awesome eh ? She was obviously playing the field rather than trying to make a connection with any one individual. I feel so angry and betrayed right now.

Damn I fucking hate the way females can make you feel. I've just wasted my time. Thing is, this will happen again and again and again until I meet someone who is right in the head.... not very likely in this country. >_<

Tophat665

Well! If you don't know, I'm certainly not going to tell you!

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Bloodslick

Import.

Few adolescents or young adults in "Western" countries today have any sense of personal responsibility. Get on KaZaa and find a copy of the song "Dirty" by KMFDM. Listen to it a few times, then go hunting again.

Prince

Oh boy, oh boy... I've heard that so many times. What my wife will do is she'll say something, and if I don't hear it right and ask her to repeat it, she'll sigh loudly and say "nevermind" or "nothing", and will refuse to repeat herself. It just annoys me and makes me want to say "well if you have nothing to say then shut the fuck up in the first place". But that's not really the same thing...that's a personality thing, a quirk, whereas what you're being put through is classic female nuttiness. I use the term loosely, though, because obviously not all chicks are like that. I figured when I read your story that she had found someone else and didn't want to be bothered to tell you. The classic "I dunno" reply is a typical runaround. She may in fact not have a clue, since she probably has not even thought about it. She hasn't wanted to think about it or deal with it, so she hasn't.

I think the best way to go, if you want my advice, is to not let yourself work up all these feelings for someone until the relationship is there and stuff. Even then it's a gamble, but sometimes you win, sometimes lose. It is unfortunate that in the matters of the heart the stakes are so high and up and personal.

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irseg

No, that's either classic female nuttiness or most every female I've been with has had that same quirk. Complete with the dramatic sigh and everything.