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Old 04-29-2003, 01:24 PM   #1 (permalink)
Follow my heart, or my conscience?

I tried to keep this short for you!! I promise!!

I've been with a girl for over 3 years, who recently told me that we "just couldn't be a couple now". She told me that she has every intention of being together again in the future, as i "would make the perfect husband", etc, etc.
She moved two hours away and wants, more than anything, for me to come and live with her, but only "as friends".
We are still very much in love, and honestly, i never lost the desire to keep our relationship going.
She has told me that there is the possibility of her having "fun" with someone else whether i live there or not, but is not, by any means, looking to replace me or find a lasting relationship with someone else. This would be a risk that i would have to take if i decided to move in with her (by the way, we used to live together)

How do you feel about this situation?
Am i being physically and emotionally pushed around by her? Am i her "backup plan"?
I want to be with her, but as a couple, not "friends". But if i stay put where i am, i am missing out on spending great time with my love, and risking that she may never even end up "having fun" with someone else.
I also have the opportunity to move across the country. Would it be wise to move elsewhere and give her time to figure out what she really wants? or could this be harmful? (as she would be devestated if i left).

I really appreciate any experiences or stories any one has to offer.
Thank you in advance =)
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Old 04-29-2003, 01:33 PM   #2 (permalink)
Cracking the Whip
Lebell's Avatar
Location: Sexymama's arms...
It sounds to me like she isn't ready to settle down but she wants you to wait for her while she sows her oats.

In other words, she'll probably get back together with you after she's done.

How do you feel putting your life on hold for this, especially if she hooks up with a guy that "is just right" for her?

I think you know what is the right thing, you just need confirmation.
"Of all tyrannies, a tyranny exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience." C. S. Lewis

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Old 04-29-2003, 01:48 PM   #3 (permalink)
Registered User
Location: Earth
Fuelmyfire this is a very hard decision. I met my wife one summer when she was on break from college. We had a great summer together and when it was over she left for school. I was crushed but we kept in touch. I never gave or relationship a chance but I persisted and even though we were many miles apart one year later we were married. That was six years ago and I still love her like no other. Best of luck to you fuelmyfire.
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Old 04-29-2003, 02:28 PM   #4 (permalink)
Minx's Avatar
Location: Up yonder
My gut instinct here is that she wants to keep you around but doesn't want to commit. If she really truly loved you and felt you were "marriage material" then why would she feel the need to see other guys? I hate to say it but even though she may really care for you it seems as if she is using you as her back-up plan. I really hope that it works out well for you (a hopeless romantic...sigh) but think of the pain if you move in with her just as a friend and then have to see her "testing the waters". Ouch.
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Old 04-29-2003, 05:55 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Location: Somewhere in Ohio
Dude, forget about her. You're nothing more than a back up plan if something better doesn't come along. Been there a couple of times and I always walk away when I hear that shit. I've heard the line.... "You'd be perfect when I'm 30." That's so fucking dumb. So you should wait 6 years? Fuck that.

The important thing is when the chic contacts you... Don't get back with her. Nobody should have to wait for the other person to want to settle down. If someone is waiting on anything then it just wasn't meant to happen. Most people have a hard time letting go. I'm very good at it. Tell her exactly what you want and if she doesn't want the same thing then it's time to move on.
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Old 04-29-2003, 06:07 PM   #6 (permalink)
Big Julie
Sounds like a Springer episode in the making.

If she's 'in love' with you, why does she need to be looking for a little 'fun' with someone else?

I think your being played on this. The missus, who is a little more blunt, thinks she should fuck off. So there's a woman's point of view for you.
Old 04-29-2003, 08:02 PM   #7 (permalink)
Location: The 7th Level..
I agree with sixate and Big Julie.. I hate to be so tough, but this situation sounds like crap. If she doesn't want to replace you or have a relationship with someone else, why on earth does she want to mess with other people?

I personally think you should move on and find someone who is on the same page as you. I know that will hurt, but it will be easier for you in the long run. If you're done with that oat sowing business now, you need someone who is done with it as well.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
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Old 04-29-2003, 09:21 PM   #8 (permalink)
big damn hero
guthmund's Avatar
I"m going to go live over here....You can come live me if you want, but you can't touch me and I can screw other guys......but you'd be perfect for me later.....

sounds perfect.....

I'd say run, run far far away. But the fact that this girl is even asking you to make this arrangement means she knows you'll come following along like a good little doormat.

Get out. Move Away. Find someone who wants to give you First Place, not Mr. Congeniality
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Old 04-29-2003, 10:21 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Location: NorCal
You are getting WORKED.

Ditch the bitch. She's not your friend. A friend wouldn't do this to you.

With time and perspective you will she how poorly she is treated you.
Ass, gas or grass. Nobody rides for free.
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Old 05-01-2003, 07:04 PM   #10 (permalink)
Location: U of MD
people do things they later regret, and people want things that they soon (or not so soon) no longer want. don't depend on her, but if she turns around and wants to be committed again and you still feel the same, then there's nothing to worry about.
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Old 05-01-2003, 08:40 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Location: DC
I have one word for you....

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Old 05-01-2003, 10:10 PM   #12 (permalink)
Eccentric insomniac
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Location: North Carolina
I say don't plan on it. Go live your own life, meet other people, and go have great sex with her every now and again. If she really does want to marry you, she will take steps towards that end when she is ready. If not, you won't have wasted several years chasing her around. Besides, given the circumstances, she probably can't expect you to not see other people also.
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Old 05-04-2003, 07:35 AM   #13 (permalink)
Here's the deal.She's banging everyone in sight yet doesn't want to bang you.She wants you near because you are her comfort blanket.In other words,after she's been slutting around town and may have a conscience,she wants you to tell her that everything is o.k and that she is great.Once she get's that affirmation from you,she be looking for the next shlong to jump on.And the wheel roles on.Do yourself a favor,drop her like a hot potato and don't look back.You deserve better.
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Old 05-04-2003, 07:45 AM   #14 (permalink)
Location: St. Paul, MN
if you found her inflagrante delicto with some dude...would you feel cheated on? If the answer is anything close to a yes... I'd walk away before that happens.

Being the emotional fufillment when someone else is colecting the rent on the physical side of her relationship is a bitch to deal with, and from personal experience i ask you to value yourself and refuse that role. I love Guthmund's words
Find someone who wants to give you First Place, not Mr. Congeniality
If girl is first place with you, she damn well better think you're the best thing since sliced bread. Taking the back seat to anyone else is a betrayal of the relationship.
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Old 05-04-2003, 08:08 AM   #15 (permalink)
Let it go, focus on yourself.

If she wants you she will come to you,
If not, then it's not meant to be.

Sometimes the girl needs to be the pursuer.

Classic, lines...
Open your hand;
if the bird stays or flys then comes back then all is well;
if the bird flys off then she wasn't yours to begin with.

Think of it as a gift to BOTH her and yourself.
I wish you well.
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Old 05-04-2003, 09:53 AM   #16 (permalink)
Location: afk
I hate to say it dude, but having a girl you love diddle with other guys while you live with her... is just wrong. Move on, but keep in touch.
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Old 05-04-2003, 11:43 AM   #17 (permalink)
Fear the bunny
Location: Hanging off the tip of the Right Wing
Originally posted by sixate
Dude, forget about her. You're nothing more than a back up plan if something better doesn't come along. Been there a couple of times and I always walk away when I hear that shit. I've heard the line.... "You'd be perfect when I'm 30." That's so fucking dumb. So you should wait 6 years? Fuck that.

The important thing is when the chic contacts you... Don't get back with her. Nobody should have to wait for the other person to want to settle down. If someone is waiting on anything then it just wasn't meant to happen. Most people have a hard time letting go. I'm very good at it. Tell her exactly what you want and if she doesn't want the same thing then it's time to move on.
That's the best advice here. You only have so much time to live, so why do it with a flaky chic? Find someone you know is right for you and forget this f'd up woman.
Activism is a way for useless people to feel important.
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Old 05-04-2003, 11:48 AM   #18 (permalink)
i think she's using you as backup...be careful..
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Old 05-04-2003, 03:33 PM   #19 (permalink)
Location: Grey Britain
Find out what she's playing at before you make any decisions. She could be testing you or something.
"No one was behaving from very Buddhist motives. Then, thought Pigsy, he was hardly a Buddha, nor was he a monkey. Presently, he was a pig spirit changed into a little girl pretending to be a little boy to be offered to a water monster. It was all very simple to a pig spirit."
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Old 05-04-2003, 04:52 PM   #20 (permalink)
Think about it
Atropos4's Avatar
Location: North Carolina
the same thing just happened to my sister...her fiance and her set a date for them to get married...started planning everything and he backs out....about a month later the bastard wants to take a break because he doesn't know if he wants to be with her the rest of his life...he kicked her out and told her not to come over without calling... he's so controlling over her that when he did this she was devastated and as soon as he went and had his fun he asked her to come back (took two weeks) ...of course she went back...and of course I'd just as soon like to see him crushed.
Probably because I'm the big sister looking out for the little sister.

fuelmyfire . You are better off without her. If you stay with her you'll always wonder if she truely loves you or just couldn't find someone else..
The situation has heartache written all over it.
Move on with your life and find someone who Truly loves you and has no questions about it..
Minds are like parachutes.
They work better open.

"If I were Hermione, I would have licked his pantleg."
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Old 05-06-2003, 09:40 PM   #21 (permalink)
Location: Brisbane, Australia
Man, she wants to have her cake and eat it too!
'These aren't the droids you're looking for'
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Old 05-09-2003, 10:00 PM   #22 (permalink)
Location: Right here, right now.
Doesn't sound fair to you. Forget about her, look for someone else.
Maybe you should put some shorts on or something, if you wanna keep fighting evil today.
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Old 05-09-2003, 10:25 PM   #23 (permalink)
She wants your cock in a glass jar. "Break for emergency use."
(apologies to chris rock)

KICK that bitch to the CURB... NOW.
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Old 05-10-2003, 11:31 AM   #24 (permalink)
-Ever-'s Avatar
Location: San Francisco
Don't go. You're already setting yourself up to be hurt
Embracing the goddess energy within yourselves will bring all of you to a new understanding and valuing of life. A vision that inspires you to live and love on planet Earth. Like a priceless jewel buried in dark layers of soil and stone, Earth radiates her brilliant beauty into the caverns of space and time. Perhaps you are aware of those who watch over your home And experience of this place to visit and play with reality. You are becoming aware of yourself as a gamemaster...
--Acknowledge your weaknesses--
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Old 05-10-2003, 11:57 AM   #25 (permalink)
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Location: tentative, at best
I think every guy needs to "sow his oats" and every girl needs to "gather her roots" for awhile before committing to a lifelong realtionship. If you both do it, no harm done if you both discover you're right for each other.
However, it sounds like she wants to gather her roots and keep an eye on you at the same time. You deserve someone who will respect you more than she does.

Do that cross country move. Live a life without her. Who knows - maybe in a year or two she'll want to reconnect (Don't live your life expecting that, though) If you're available at the time - fine. But if you're in a relationship - whatever you do - don't break it off for Ms. Maybesomeday.

I mean - what's the alternative?
Are you really contemplating moving into a house with her where you can hear her banging other guys every night? Who would put themselves through that shit?
If you want to avoid 95% of internet spelling errors:
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Old 05-12-2003, 02:16 PM   #26 (permalink)
Location: Canada
I vote for cutting your losses and looking for someone who really gives a shit about you. Telling you that "she may have fun" with someone else while you are there means that she's likely to cheat on you no matter what the living arrangement is.

Don't be a doormat. Cut and run.
"Doors aren't like assholes! They don't shut themselves!"
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Old 05-12-2003, 08:52 PM   #27 (permalink)
Tell her you're worth more than to be used as a back-up, in-case-i-can't-find-someone-better-by-30 (thanks sixate for the reference) guy. You don't deserve to be told you're worth having but not now. That's bullshit. If you were totally into someone, could you even imagine HAVING to wait, let alone WANTING to? No. Drop her. Sorry, but find a good girl who will love you.
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conscience, follow, heart

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