Vacation 04...she kissed someone else
 

1st night I had her in tears over the promise ring I gave her at dinner. I spoke from the heart and she was all ears. The next night, I got basically robbed of $200 (payoff to stay out of jail for us both), which in turn I got sick from the drama, and couldn't or didn't feel up to going out that night. It was already 1am anyways. She left me sick in bed and ended up spending time with at least one other guy buying her drinks. She told me that he stuck his tongue down her throat, but also said that he kissed her.

I'm contemplating breakup because the trust is gone and I feel that I'm wasting my time????

Background....
Dating 9 mos., we love each other, talking about marriage, good friend and companion thus far.

Yes, she was honest and forthcoming, but if the shoe were on the other foot I'd be a dirtbag and not worth wasting "her" time on.

Oooh, trust. Touchy subject whenever questioned.

I wouldn't even consider marrying someone I didn't trust, and I admit that she fucked up royal.

But that doesn't mean she's a completely rotten person, and that the relationship is as good as over.

Ultimately it comes down to whether you think you can work this out, whether she would do it again, and most of all, whether she's worth it.

Um, let me see if I have this right.....

She kisses someone else, fesses up to you and you are ready to call off the relationship. Dude, life throws a hell of a lot more than that at relationships. I'd cut her some slack.

^^^^ word... it sounds like she was out drinking, possibly upset (staying out of jail, you being sick) and someone else took advantage of that. as long as she had told the dude before he kissed her that you existed, i'd let it slide. i mean, how often have you been drunk and shits going on before you know it and are just thinking "whoah, what the fuck's happening?"

and she told you about it right away. knowing what kind of consequences there are, i think you should give her another chance for her honesty to you.

I do know of situations where one side of the kiss was completely unwilling and the other forced it on them. So that's certainly a possibility.

Another possibility is that she was feeling overwhelmed by the "seriousness" of the relationship and wasn't quite in her right head.

FWIW, my fiancee kissed another guy many years ago but we've gotten through it. It's not something that I am happy about but it happened and since then we've gotten much closer. I would have missed out on a lot of great times if I didn't accept the fact that she made a mistake and completely regrets it.

trust is the BIG issue here for me, if I can't trust her than we have no future.....no one on here is going to "fix" that part for me....more feedback plz.

First off, don't act on something without a level head. Cool off, and talk with her. The only way to get to the bottom is to communicate. If you really love her, you'll find she either made a huge mistake and regrets it totally, or she was being rather flirty and wanted to see where it went. If the later, then think about breaking up, but I'd beat she regretted what she did, and that's why she told you about it.

Wait...


Where the hell were you that you had to pay $200 to stay outta jail? That's the real story here.


Oh and my $.02

She was honest. Forgive her and move on.

Trust is a two way street my friend. She obviously trusted you that she could be honest with you and tell you what happened.

One thing that life has taught me is that everyone screws up at some point in time. Use this as an example. Have you asked her what she honestly would have done if the roles were reversed. Not to be critical, but it doesn't sound like you had much trust in her in the first place if you are reacting this harshly to a kiss.

A kiss, my brother, it was a kiss.

I agree with the other poster, what the hell did you have to pay $200. Sounds like a much more interesting story

200 to stay out of jail in Mexico for having some weed on us....oh, and i did spend the next 5 days of our vacation having a good time, but i am reflecting now with doubts about our future......kiss was 10 days ago now and we have talked. i didn't attack, she was defensive, says she regrets it, said alot of things.....plz don't attack me, I need some advice to get my head straight here and i want our relationship to continue, but with TRUST.

dude, have you ever been to a strip club and your girlfriend of the time did not know it?

I have kissed another guy before when I was seriously dating somone else. My BF wasn't happy but he understood I was drunk, and I came clean and swore it didn't mean anything. I stopped myself during the kiss, knowing it was worng and a mistake. I agree with Nitrox, if this causes you to break up, you aren't ready to be married to her anyway.

You want Trust.....I'd say you got it. There was no way you would have found out about 'the kiss' and she told you anyway.
She obviously felt bad enough about it to tell you. This is worth mucho points in my book.

If the shoe was on the other foot .....some girl comes on to you in a bar, buys you drinks, then swaps spit ......would you tell her about it? Maybe, maybe not. If you did, you would not be a 'dirtbag'. If she was pissed that you told her or blamed it on you then maybe she is the one who isn't trusting.

BTW - This same thing happened to me but it was with a 'friend'. My fiance was quick to tell me and apologized profusely. My first action was to get my shotgun....but I eventually calmed down. I of course forgave her (but not him, ever). We'll be married twenty one years in July.

Good Luck.

Re: Vacation 04...she kissed someone else
 

Ditch her!

Just because she told you about it that doesn't mean she can be trusted. What's next, she sucks a dudes dick and then tells you about it so that makes her trustworthy??? I think not. Move on.

Exactly 100% right. You wait until you've been married for five years. Then you'll have gone through some SERIOUS shit together.

What's not to trust here? She told you as soon as she could, right? It obviously didn't mean anything to her, and she obviously felt like she had to let you know about it. Sounds eminently trustworthy to me!

That settles it. When sixate gives advice, my money is on doing exactly the opposite.

wonder how many girls this gentleman has been with...

Been with enough, as if it's your business.

I guess I'm the only person who thinks that a relationship should be based one trust. I guess I'm a dumbass.

Hmmm...me thinks a strip club is a place you go to get screwed but most certainly you realize that you are not going to get laid. It's not exactly the same as the situation descibed above.

I think also that the woman in this case has earned the right to feel really badly about this behavior for a very short period of time. She did come clean and share that this happened and certainly trusted you enough to tell you about it. If you can't have honesty and openess in your relationship you will have a very difficult time surviving the long haul. Heal yourself quickly and get back on positive turf with this woman if that's what your heart tells you is the right thing to do.

Hope this helps.

Kissing a guy in this situation is not a deal breaker imo. Shit happens and we all make mistakes. My wife did almost the exact same thing 2 weeks before we were officially engaged. It only told her that she wanted me more. It took me a bit to get over it, but I completely trust her now. It has never been an issue. Some things are just not worth sweating.

I believe what you are looking for here is not trust, but faith. That is, faith in your girlfriend that she is telling you the truth and sincerely regrets her actions.

Do you believe what she has told you, or do you think she's not being totally upfront? If you cannot bring yourself to believe her story, then you have lost faith in the relationship. If you do not believe in the relationship, then it is as good as over.

People DO make mistakes. She was honest with you and told you up front. I think you need to give her another chance.

thats some good advice that most people are giving... trust is key

I think once youve settled down, and thought it over, you should stay with her and give her another chance. If its already fucking with your mind then maybe you should reconsider...

i hope it works out

i'd be pissed if my girl kissed someone else, however i dont think its grounds for breaking up the relationship......i dunno...its a hard decision to make, but if you truly love her you should be able to work it out

I've been in a similar situation but only... oh... about ten times worse. She cheated on me and then came back to me after we broke up. I thinking that I was head over heels in love decided to forgive her and take her back. From that point on the fear of that shit happening again haunted the crap outta me. And sure enough if the gut instincts were right. I for one hope that you can over the fact that it was only one kiss and that she regrets it and has found that its you she wants. But becareful and trust your gut!

Dump her.... she probably cheated on you but doesn't have the guts and the decency to admit it to you.

If you remain with her she'll never respect you because you'll have told her it's alright to screw you over since you'll always be willing to forgive her.

Re: Vacation 04...she kissed someone else
 

You said it yourself man. I agree 100% with you.

Personally, people need to remember one thing. Women, ALL women are replaceable. The sooner they know it, the better.

I'd kick her ass to the curb. Being drunk, vulnrable, whatever other excuse people can come up with for you, is a total load of crap.

Just my opinion of course. While "kicking her to the curb" doesn't seem to follow the general trend of this thread with anyone except a select few, somoene has to be the black sheep.

Re: Re: Vacation 04...she kissed someone else
 

DING DING DING!!

You're on vacation, you're sick in bed, and she runs off to get drunk from drinks that other guys buy for her instead of sticking around (even in the general area of the hotel,) or at least checking in every once in a while? She doesn't sound too considerate. To me, a committed relationship consists not only of being able to trust the other person, but at the very least, actually giving a shit abut them and their well-being.

On top of that, she did something with another guy that she thought would be more forgivable if she reduced it to just kissing for the confession.

Moral of the story: Be considerate of your SO and don't drink too much if it impairs your judgement that much.

Maybe I'm being too cynical, maybe you should give her one more chance if you really love her, but there's going to be a big strain on your relationship if you do make it through this.

Ask her wehter she can be certain that she won't kiss any other guy. Trust may start there for you.

I don't think my girlfriend would be upset if I kissed someone else. Surprised, sure, but not too upset. The same goes for her with me. In a day we'd probably be making fun of each other over it.

We plan on spending the rest of our lives together. In my opinion, kissing another person is like a pebble in that road. If tripping on it makes you stop, sit down, and cry out that you're not going to go any further, then you should fucking sit there all by your lonesome until someone passes by, takes pity on you, and babies you for the rest of your life.

<i>Quick edit</i>: We're going to be having a child together soon. We don't plan on getting married, but do plan on spending the rest of our lives together. Take that for what it's worth to you.

Yes you are. :D

Reality is harsh.

It seems like most people here are living the "forgive and forget" and immediately bash people who say otherwise. I'm cool with that - go ahead and bash me too.

Listen, your GF pulled some nasty shit! She could have said no - but she didn't. You were not feeling well .. and she did not want to just sit around - I can understand that .. but this in no way excuses her screwing around on you.

SHe's done it before - she just feels more guilty now that she knows your intentions in life.

There are better women out there!

dude..this was just a sign of things to come. Seriously...if you really love someone....no matter how drunk / high / etc.. you are....it should only increase those feelings of love. I know for myself, I get more defensive when I'm drunk about chicks being near me...or giving me the 'you wanna kissy face'!!! For me...no matter how sorry or id she told me 10 minutes after it happened...that's it...you're cut off. Keep her around for something to bang.....until something better comes along.

Affter 9 months marrage is brought up? How old are you two? Id give her a second chance , if she truly untrustworthy it will come out in time.

At least she confessed and seemed to feel genuine guilt. Like has happened to me, she could be still communicating with this person behind your back.

That's the first question that came into my head.
And sixate, if you are a dumbass for having relationships built on trust, then I join you in the dumbass circle.

I've recently had this happen to me with someone, and even the 'I told him about you' and the later 'he jsut stuck his tongue down my throat'. BIG CONCERNS... BUT in my personal experience it's something that THIS time I have tried to forgive and forget. tough yes... do i still remember (from when i was with the gal) yes.... But I gave her credit on honesty when she could have jsut said nothing. To me that shows that she does care a heck of a lot more for you than anything else!
good luck man
-T

thanx all...i'm 31 she is 28, one kid each from other partner....we have talked again, this post actually is what got me to talk to her about it again, i needed to hear things from her side again and discuss what she is thinking about our future. the talk went well, she said most of the right things, but trust is one of those things that takes time to rebuild. so for now, we will remain together, however i have already decided that i won't stay in the relationship if my trust doesn't return. i will not live my life in constant state of "worry" due to this issue....i have to get over it OR i will end up leaving.

Glad to here that you are trying to work things out. I have questions though:

1. Why was she accepting drinks from a strange man if she is with you?

2. When he stuck is tounge down her throat, did she engage as well or push him away?

3. Is she claiming she was drunk & did not know what she was doing? if so, whos to say when she has "girls night out" this won't happen again.

Its tough to regain the trust, I've been there & you dont want to be up at night worring who she could be with & if she is being faithfull. As you said give it some time and if the trust does not come back, leave it alone.

If you were sick in bed why is she going out alone in Mexico getting hammered? Move on dude. To many people that you could be with to be tied to one you are already having doubts about.

I usually agree with sixate with matters such as this, even though he has no fuckin clue who I am.

Trust is a key thing in relationships... and admitting to problems does not let someone off the hook. You are seriously saying you would let someone hurt you and then 'forget' about it if they apologized? That is what the Bible says... but that is kind of anti human nature. We are always going to feel bad about broken trust... period. Unless you are a priest.

The 'crime' ( You were supossed to be in a monogamous relationship, right? ) has been done, but that doesn't make it right that she told you. Who says it's not going to happen again? Who says more isn't going to happen?

You want to give her the benefit of the doubt, you really do, but shit, you have a serious investment in her, and it appears (from the evidence presented) that she doesn't have a serious investment in you. I would think things over carefully... before you end up seriously hurt. I am not going to recommend anything because I don't know all the circumstances, but try to put some mental distance between you and her when you do your evaluating and look at things logically.

I wish you the best of luck.

" i'm 31 she is 28, one kid each from other partner.."

OK, you guys are all grown up and have had your share of both joys and dissapointments.

You are still at the stage where this is sticking in the pit of your stomach. Time will heal that, however this plays out.

I feel your pain. My advice, (since you asked :) ) ask her straight out - "Promise me this will never happen again, for any reason." If she even has to think about saying 'I promise'. Then my man, I think you need to leave. If she says 'I promise', then you have to take it as that and move on with your life. You can't live your life waiting for her to break her promise. If it does happen again, then obviously you leave, no questions asked.

I guess my final thought is you seem to need something to allow you to move forward. Let it be the answer to that question.

Good Luck

She is trying to sabotage the relationship. She's trying to check out on you Dude, and this is her first step. She's preparing to tear your heart out.
I say cut your losses and give her the ol' heave ho now, before that drunken kiss turns into an all nighter bumping uglies with a Mexican waiter.
Besides, I doubt if she stopped at a kiss with this stud anyhow.
Go find a girl who you can trust.

i have to agree with DDDDave up there..

trust is a huge issue to me as well, but the fact that she fessed up to it quickly on something she knew would never be discovered if she didn't speak up is a huge thing there, in my opinion.

basically means she wants to be up front and honest and basically take the punishment you decide to give.

Fuck. This very same thing just happened to me today: I was told she kissed someone else. It sucks.

This is NOT the very same thing that happened to you. In tim2shady's case, SHE told him that she'd kissed someone else. In your case, you got told by someone else.

In my mind, at least, there's a big difference.

Oh, and you might be suspected of threadjacking.

No, she is the one who told me.

I have to agree with you here.

9 months is too short a time to plan for marriage.

I'd be VERY upset about the kiss and like you or any other guy it would eat away at me for some time. This being said, it sounds like you have an investment in each other and if you are considering marriage you must really enjoy each others company. Were I in your situation I would try to work it out. Explain to her (and it seems that you have) that you love her and want to further the relationship but you will have some trust issues for a while and she will have to deal with them. This is price she must pay for her infidelity. She can't expect you to just immediately let it go but you can't hold it over her head indefinately. If after an appropriate amount of time you can't deal then it might be time to fly. If she does it again, dump her in the most embarrasingly painful way you can. She'll deserve it. Hopefully and probably this was just a one time mistake that she regrets and will never happen again. Good luck.