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Old 05-17-2004, 07:19 PM   #1 (permalink)
Need advice about relationship

* Sorry for the lengthy post, but theres no other way to describe my exact situation

I don't really know if this is the place to present my dilema, but i'll give it a shot and see what happens. I'm having some trouble making some decisions about a relationship i'm in, maybe some of you can give me some insight.
Just for a little background, I've been dating this girl for 1 year and 7 monthes, shes an assertive, no-bullshit type of girl, very stubborn, and im an easy going guy but can be extremely stubborn when i get pushed beyond my patience or if things arent going swell for me. Shes my best friend ever, and we've been seeing eachother since sophomoore year and we're about to graduate in a few weeks, which brings up the problem, prom.
We went to our junior year prom together, and basically it was a big heap of crap, i had let her know before hand that im not a dancing kind of guy, but she said that was ok, and that we can just slow dance and what not. So we get there and she basically blows up at me for not dancing with her, and we dont talk for the rest of the night, if we do, its bitter, waste of 350 bucks, heh. So we come to our senior year prom, and we have to make the decision if we want to go together or not, remembering what happened the previous year.
We both could have gone either way at first, but then we decided maybe it wasn't the best idea to go with eachother, to risk turning it into hell night again. So, me not being a dancing guy, decide to make other plans to go to a karate tournament, and i let her know that was what my plans were, and she was cool with it. Suprisingly enough, a few days later she calls me and sounds desperate and says that she had a change of heart, and since its senior prom, she wants to go with me now. So, weighing losing the opportunity to participate in this tournament, and the horrible time we had last year, i told her that i'd go with her, but on one condition, that she get a dress that matches a red tux, because i was dieing to get one, lol. I told her that i'd ONLY go with her if she got something to match my red tux, because i had a feeling she was playing games with me at that point.
So, she agrees, and a few days later comes back with a dress that is pink, and my suspicions were true, she was just tryin to see what i'd do about it. So, thinking about last year, i told her that i wasn't going to go with her because she couldnt give me this little thing that i wanted, and after what she did last year she didnt deserve it. So we agreed that we weren't going with eachother, and she told me she was going with her girlfriends, and i specifically made it clear that i didn't want her to take any guys, jelousy factor or whatever, she'd do the same thing to me.
So, she agreed, and low and behold, she comes to me a few days later telling me that shes taking a guy to prom from her work named TNT. Wow. You can imagine my delight. A guy that i don't even know or have met before, and his name is frickin' TNT, omg. Anyways, i didnt think that was right for her to do, the way i see it is that people that care for eachother dont do things like that on purpose to make them mad.
I told her how much i didn't want her to do that, kept bringing it up, and pretty much just told her that my reaction wasnt going to be good if she went through with this, so eventually i just told her that i was going to split up with her if she did it. Apparently Going to prom with this guy was more important than holding onto our relationship, i told her that i more than wanted her to go to prom, just not with this guy, she could go with girlfriends or whatever.
All along, shes being really nice to me, even nicer than normal, and telling me how much she loves me, and just being perfect besides this situation, but she is adamant about going to prom with this guy. So after a week of telling her im going to end it if she decides to go with him, i eventually break up with her, and she is devastated. I told her that she brought this on herself, and that if i let her get away with this one thing, that she'd take advantage and walk all over me, which she would do in a heartbeat.
The few days leading up to prom she kept calling me and saying that she doesnt want to break up, but shes still going to prom with this guy, and now prom is over (last weekend) and she called me today telling me how its all my fault that we broke up and all this crap, yelling at me and making big arguements. My origional plan was just to break up with her for a month or so just to show her that i was serious about this, and hope that she learns her lesson, but now shes totally changed her outlook about the problem, i know shes still crushed because of losing me, and that all that is probably just a front, but i dont know if its even worth it to try to mend the break up.
I guess my dilema is that i don't know if i was wrong to break up with her, if i was being too jelous or too stubborn, or even if i handled any of this right. its just gotten so far into it and snowballed so much that i dont even know whats happening anymore. I do care for her a lot, but i dont know if it'd be best if we got back together anyways because of our clashing bullheadedness, or if what she did was really bad at all. Shes my best friend in the world, and it really sucks that all this happened, but i just was hoping to get an outside point of view on this before i go any farther.
sometimes i think i've taken it to far, sometimes i think that im all right and shes wrong for doing what she did. Thanks to anyone who actually read this book of a post, and i appreciate any advice/points of view. Thanks.

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Old 05-17-2004, 07:28 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Location: Grants Pass OR
Neither one of you have treated each other fairly. Both of you are to busy being selfish to look at what is really important and breaking up was probably the best thing you could have done. Not because she went to the prom w/ this other guy, but because you guys need to really looka t how you treat each other when you don't get your way. Relationships require compromises, and working together, if you don't wanna do that your better off not being in one right now. There is nothing wrong w/ not wanting to do that, just understastand that you don't.
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Old 05-17-2004, 07:34 PM   #3 (permalink)
Solid point, thanks
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Old 05-17-2004, 07:34 PM   #4 (permalink)
* * *
It sounds like high school...

I don't know... what gets me about this is that it sounds like a large part of your relationship is based around power games. I typically have huge reservations about people marrying their high school sweethearts... so, if you're going to stay with her, you should do it because you've found something in her that is really endearing to the point where you think it is worth holding onto and depriving yourself of experiencing anything else.

I know you aren't talking about marriage, but spending more of high school with someone is quite a commitment. The next stage of your life is where you're really going to start finding yourself and determining where you want to go with your adulthood.

You were very clear in your boundaries. And she was obviously trying to manipulate you, and is continuing to do so by blaming you for holding to your word. A big part of relationships is flexibility and compromise, so I don't know... now is really the time for you to decide if you feel like she's going to be with the struggle to be with for a long time or if you'd like to spend time after high school in a different way.

It's up to you and your values and weighing the value of all of your experiences together.
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Old 05-17-2004, 07:38 PM   #5 (permalink)
Let me just preface this by stating that these are simply my opinions based on my observations, and their validity is entirely subjective.

When she took this guy to prom, at best she was trying to make you jealous. She apparently succeeded to well, and blames you for overreacting. "she called me today telling me how its all my fault that we broke up and all this crap" is a great indicator.

You obviously want the relationship back, and I suggest you do your best. There aren't going to be any more proms in your future. And as far as people in serious relationships not pulling that shit on eachother, you'd be surprized. This one girl I know is frustrated that her boyfriend trusts her too much to get jealous when she hangs out with other guys. (Yes, I am/have been her IW.) I suggest you not read too much into it.
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Old 05-17-2004, 08:09 PM   #6 (permalink)
Filling the Void.
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Location: California
Little things like this shouldn't make you break up. Feel lucky you even had the chance to go to the prom with your girlfriend of a year and seven months. My boyfriend lives in San Jose (3.5 hours away) and couldn't make it back home for my senior prom.

You guys were both being irrational. You shouldn't have broken up with her just because she was trying to get back at you. She shouldn't have tried to make you purposely jealous. Another point though- if you really trust her, and love her, you would have just let her go with the other guy. You obviously didn't want to go, and she did. So there you go. Most girls don't wanna go stag, and that's why she probably went with the other guy.
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Old 05-17-2004, 08:51 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Location: In transit
Get over your insecurities and learn to dance. That would have avoided the whole situation. Dancing is kick ass foreplay anyways...

Get back into the relationship if you both can stop turning it into a power struggle.
Remember, wherever you go... there you are.
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Old 05-17-2004, 11:42 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Location: Edinburgh
Wow, did I write this thread? Half the expreiences here are mine too. Contrary, I don't dance either (and no, it's not an insecurity thing, I just don't enjoy it) and it causes a hell of a lot of problems in my relationships. So does getting shitty at each other and not speaking for the rest of the night, making it very awkward for our mutual friends.

And FFT, I (almost always) trust my partners enough to let them hang out with whoever they want. My current partner (most likely ex-partner by the time anyone reads this) gets angry that I don't get jealous. She thinks it means I don't care about what she does and that I'm not as commited as her.

Anyway, Contrary, I think you've made your point to her. Her anger and accusations and blame on you aren't because she thinks it's your fault, it's because she saw this coming as clear as day and did everything you asked her not to. You gave her other options too and she accepted them at first, then went back on her word.

You could not have made it any clearer that if X happens and Y happens then Z will happen (you'll end it). You told her that and whether she believed it or not is irrelevent.

Give it some time for her to calm down and resolve some of her own issues, and give yourself time to do your own stuff too. I strongly believe everyone should say what they mean and mean what they say, and you did both. That doesn't mean you can get back with her once your point has been made.

I think the length of my post is rivaling yours (cue the giggles), so I'll say:
- You had an agreement, she backed out
- You were right, she was wrong
- Give it some time, so you can think and so can she
- Talk to her and explain what happened, and tell her you want to give her another chance
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Old 05-18-2004, 01:58 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Location: Right behind you...
At this risk of sounding crass, I'm going to say that she needs to grow up a lot. I do agree with Dorito2 in that you were very specific in your requests, even offering her a chance for the two of you to go together. I feel like she was testing her bounds with you. She sounds like the domineering type, wanting everything to go her way. She was pushing you to see how far she could bend you before you broke, and she wasn't happy with the results. Not wanting her to go to the prom with another guy doesn't show how little you trust her, it shows how much common sense you have. I remember my high school prom very well. This guy she took, how old is he? I think you should give her some time to cool off as well, then have a good long talk with her. Tell her that if she doesn't sit there and listen to absolutely everything you have to say without overriding you or being argumentative, then you'll leave and that's it. Lay out exactly how you feel, and what you think the two of you need to do about it. Make your needs unquestionably known. Then, ask her for her side of the story. If the two of you can act like adults and make a compromise to revive your relationship, then good for you. If, however, one of you is not willing to work it out, then I say you should end it. After a year and seven months, if she's not grown up enough to have an adult relationship (and I'm not talking about sex), then you need to stop wasting her time. Maybe she'll recognize you as the one that got away and she'll take her next relationship seriously. Either way, I want to salute you for making the bounds clear and not backing down from what you said you'd do. Threats are worthless unless you are willing to back them.
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Old 05-18-2004, 03:36 AM   #10 (permalink)
I'll verify that this relationship has been somewhat of a power struggle, but i don't know if that will ever change because of her nature, shes definatly manipulative and stubborn, and i can be stubborn at times also, most of our conversations end up in arguements lately. I'll also admit that im realizing that we both need to grow up, argueing over petty things shouldnt be something we do every day, but it happens because of our stubborness. Thanks for your comments everyone, greatly appreciated, keep um comin =)
I'm just hoping that my feelings for her arent getting in the way of making the right decision, just based on both of our personality types and how we deal with things, it makes it hard to get along, Im the guy who doesnt like to be pushed around or disrespected, if i do, i get stubborn and hot headed, and shes the domineering type definatly, tomboyish, doesnt take no for an answer, likes to argue on occasion for fun, can be downright nasty when she doesn't get her way, and she plays games / is manipulative too much.
I dont know if once we grow up a little and mature a bit if that'll change, and we'll find some way to make things work, or if im letting my emotions get in the way of making a good decision about getting back with her or not. any takes on that subject? Thanks again everyone, big help.

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Old 05-18-2004, 05:08 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Location: Yonder
Originally posted by Contrary
I'll verify that this relationship has been somewhat of a power struggle, but i don't know if that will ever change because of her nature, shes definatly manipulative and stubborn, and i can be stubborn at times also....
Blame doesn't work in a relationship. Try owning your fair share. From how you described it, YOU'RE the one being manipulative and stubborn. Hard as it may be to cop to it, that's YOUR nature.

I dont know if once we grow up a little and mature a bit if that'll change, and we'll find some way to make things work, or if im letting my emotions get in the way of making a good decision about getting back with her or not. any takes on that subject?
Well sure. First of all, "once we grow up a little".... When is that going to happen exactly? You're mature enough to be in a relationship. How about being grown up NOW?

What's in the way of you making a good decision is this: you'd rather be right than be happy. In your allmighty opinion you're RIGHT about how she did you wrong. You've got no room at all for other explanations--I mean, who needs one? You're RIGHT, aren't you? You're so RIGHT about it you can't see past the end of your nose. And you're killing of any joy or love that might be in your relationship in exchange for the wonderful experience of being RIGHT about that.
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Old 05-18-2004, 12:42 PM   #12 (permalink)
Ratbastid is right. The only reason you should be in an argument is to defuse it. The whole arguing to be right bit is entirely true.

Now, this doesn't mean you should let her win the argument, because then she's in the same position. Prevent the arguments from getting to the point where winning or losing matters. I've seen plenty of play arguments turn nasty when one thing has been said that actually offended the other person. If you slowly bring the argument to a close without getting emotional about it, not only will you not have it coming back to haunt you, but you'll seem mature in the process. Go you.
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Old 05-26-2004, 05:26 AM   #13 (permalink)
Location: Cenozoic Era
While I applaud you for sticking to your guns, I think that your problem is more about communication than anything else. While you talked to each other you both never really got across what you wanted from the other. Instead it became a power-game with pride at stake.

If you are going to have a relationship that lasts, you both will have to communicate your wants and feelings openly, without turning it into a struggle over who is the most pig-headed.

Once you have established communication, then it is a matter of learning to compromise (which has been said before). A successful relationship is based on the true art of compromise.

Unfortunately, these things are not learned overnight, though I suppose I make it sound easy. It is hard work to get over the immaturity hurdles and the first hurdle, that of pride, is the hardest.

If you both can swallow your pride, being to communicate, and try to compromise when you disagree, then you have a chance. If that commitment is not possible then maybe its time to move on and try again. Though I understand your disappointment, without this foundation you are just headed for bigger disappointment.

Good luck.
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Old 05-26-2004, 10:00 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Location: Lurking. Under the desk.
My wife and I started dating in high school, and are approaching the 11 year mark shortly.

Point? I recognize dumb games played, and this looks like one of them. From both of you.

Besides, proms suck anyways! Go do karate. Invite her to come watch.
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Old 05-28-2004, 08:35 PM   #15 (permalink)
Location: DFW
It seems to me she's putin' a power trip on you. You told her what you would do (wether or not it was right is a diffrent matter) if she took this guy to prom. She did it any way.

Follow through with what you said.

As for you, you're playing games with her as well.

Find a new girl that doesn't act like this, and stop yourself.
" " - Silent Bob
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