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Old 06-08-2004, 11:50 AM   #1 (permalink)
Tilted
 
Getting over the past

Hi,

I've come to this forum for some time now and you guys have always been able to help guide me through my troubles. I now have to come to you again.

I havnt had the best of a life concerning relationships. I've had a girlfriend that died, and every relationship I have been in....I've been cheated on. 7 relationships, every one left me heartbroken and hurt.

Right now im involved with a girl that I want to stay with; but im running into a wall. My past. Im so scared of her cheating on me or hurting me that I cant open up to her. I cant be happy because im always worried. I used to be extremely happy with her and everything was wonderful. But then school got in the way and she had to push me to the side; and I feel she hasnt paid much attention to me. I understand her circumstances; but I hate to be alone and it doesnt feel she's been trying to give me attention. But, school is almost over and she says she'll pay alot more attention to me and stuff. But there is a huge problem with me... in the time that she's been distracted from me, I've started to become worried and now im consumed by it.

For instance, she's going with a few of her girlfriends to a "beach week", and originally I was invited, but then I got "uninvited" and stuff. Now im scared she's going to go on beach week, flirt around and eventually cheat on me.

Its like I have no trust in her.

And I guess I dont. She hasnt done much of anything to warrant my mistrust of her, which leads me to the conclusion that my problem is with my past. Im so scared of being hurt again that its keeping me away from letting her go have fun with her friends and consuming me with jealousy, fear, and worry. I've tried talking with her about my worries and she says she'll keep me in mind, and she even asked me what I would approve and dissaprove of her doing on beach week, so she'd know for 100% certain what not to do. But that didnt help. I felt better for that night, but the next day I was just as worried and consumed as I was as if she never asked. What is wrong with me?

I dont know what to do. I know I have to confront my past and get over it...but I dont know how. I dont know how to do it. How do I get over my past before it ruins my future?

Please, please help. This is tearing me apart and I dont know where to begin. How do I confront and move on with a girl who cheated on me that died of cancer? How do I get past all the other times I've been betrayed?

My ego has been destroyed, my confidence has always been low, and im falling apart from the inside. Even though I treated all of those girls good, they betrayed me. One of them even cheated on me while I was on the phone with her! The fuckwad was eating her out when I was goddamned fucking talking with her. It pisses the ever loving shit out of me. GRAGH.


You can tell im very emotional about this.

Please, can anyone help? Has anyone been cheated on like this? How did you move on?
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Old 06-08-2004, 12:50 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Location: Oklahoma City
Trust can be the biggest obstacle in a relationship. It sounds like your girlfriend has given you every assurance that she will be good at beach week. I think you'll feel better after she comes back and you see that nothing has changed between you. I think you just have to take little steps towards trusting her more. Be open with her about your trust issues and with time things should slowly get better.
I'm curious about how you got uninvited. That might make me suspicous.
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Old 06-08-2004, 01:41 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I got uninvited because 2 of the other girls dont like me and they'd rather it be an all-girl event.

Or at least, thats what they told me.
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Old 06-08-2004, 01:57 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Did I read that right? You've been cheated on seven times? With seven differernt women/girls? That's harsh.

There's a thing called self fulfilling prophecy, where a prediction that, in being made, actually causes itself to become true. If you believe that she will cheat, then she will.

Change that around. Have some confidence in yourself. Why would she cheat on you? Are you a decent guy? Do you treat her well? Does she have feelings for you? Are you not worthy of someone who won't cheat? Those answers all should be yes.

Girls only weekend I can buy, did she tell you the other girls didn't like you, or are you making that assumption. If it's her telling you that, what's her motivation for telling you that someone doesn't like you. That's not something someone who is supposed to care about you would say.

There's a serious pattern to your dating habits, what do these women/girls have in common, besides the cheating thing, do they have similar personalities, similar characteristics? What draws you to them?

You say your confidence has always been low. Why? What would it take to improve your confidence? Confidence comes from you, not from the women/girls you date. Believe in yourself.
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Old 06-08-2004, 02:42 PM   #5 (permalink)
Tilted
 
Thats alot of good advice, maleficent. Thank you.

I've known the 2 girls dont like me, they dont tell it to me but I know. My gf didnt tell me.

As for the pattern of girls; you're right. With my past relationships I would persue the girl and woo her to death. With my current gf... it was a mutual thing. She was really interested in me and I was really interested in her, and 3 weeks later after we met we started going out. That was 1 year and 3 months ago. Its the longest relationship I've been in, and its the longest for her as well.

My confidence has been low because.... I dont really know. I've never really been included in anything, and when I finally was apart of something and appeciated, I had to move. Ever since then, I've been sorta an alien to everything.
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Old 06-08-2004, 02:59 PM   #6 (permalink)
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15 months is a long time in a relationship, has she ever given you reason to believe that she wants to cheat?

I'm gonna tell you again. Have some confidence in yourself. Believe in yourself. If you believe in yourself, others will as well.

There's a book you should consider reading, Stephen Covey's The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, while it was written as a business book, it's primary purpose, is to help you get what you want out of life.

It's good that you were honest with her and expressed your concern. Did she answer your question? Then drop it. If I were her, I'd get a little bit frustrated by your asking, cause it would make me think you didn't trust me, until I give you a reason not to, you have no reason not to trust me, remember self fulfilling prophecy. If you think that she will remain faithful, and you tell her that, trust her. What were some of the things that you approved or disapprove of. I surely hope flirting wasn't on the disapproval list.

Flirting is harmless fun, flirting with someone doesn't mean they are going to end up in bed together. It's just flirting.
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Old 06-08-2004, 03:30 PM   #7 (permalink)
Upright
 
similar

You and I have very similar situations. While I haven't had a girlfriend die (I'm terribly sorry), I have lost 3 girlfriends to my still best friend. While he has since changed (he found jesus or something, I don't even know), my acquired tendency to worry hasn't. I am going to Boston College this August, while my girlfriend (6 months) is headed down to Delaware.
I worry about her constantly. She loves drinking, and shes going to be 5 hours away from me. She'll probably cheat on me right?
Well, while I worry every day that she'll cheat on me, I miss the obvious (and I should take a dose of my own advice here): she loves me, and has stayed with me for 6 months, and has promised me that she'll stay with me in college. I almost miss the fact that when I go to leave her house every time I'm there, she wraps her arms around my waist and falls to the floor, trying to keep me at her house. An originally prudent girl, she gave her virginity to me recently. What you have to do is look at the signs. They will tell you exactly what she intends to do. If your girl is acting anything like mine, she wants to stay with you as much as you want to stay with her, no matter the distance. If you have faith in her, and give her the benefit of a doubt, theres still a chance she'll break your heart. But if you don't, then there's a 100% chance neither of you will have a happy relationship with the other one. I know its tough, I myself can't even believe im typing this to you, but the fact that I am means it must be true.

The only thing I worry about is her getting shitfaced at some party and doing something that she'll regret. But her character would never allow her to do something like that to me intentionally, and she loves me so much, I'm sure shell safeguard herself in environments like that.

Anyway, I hope this has helped.

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Old 06-08-2004, 04:26 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Location: DFW
Quote:
Originally posted by maleficent
Did I read that right? You've been cheated on seven times? With seven differernt women/girls? That's harsh.

There's a thing called self fulfilling prophecy, where a prediction that, in being made, actually causes itself to become true. If you believe that she will cheat, then she will.

Change that around. Have some confidence in yourself. Why would she cheat on you? Are you a decent guy? Do you treat her well? Does she have feelings for you? Are you not worthy of someone who won't cheat? Those answers all should be yes.

Girls only weekend I can buy, did she tell you the other girls didn't like you, or are you making that assumption. If it's her telling you that, what's her motivation for telling you that someone doesn't like you. That's not something someone who is supposed to care about you would say.

There's a serious pattern to your dating habits, what do these women/girls have in common, besides the cheating thing, do they have similar personalities, similar characteristics? What draws you to them?

You say your confidence has always been low. Why? What would it take to improve your confidence? Confidence comes from you, not from the women/girls you date. Believe in yourself.
I agree completly with you. What you've said reminds me of a teacher that once said, "If you keep doing what you're doing, expect to keep receiving the same results as you've been receiving." (or something like that).

maleficent, I'm always very impressed with your comments. You always seem to hit the nail right on the head, at least from my perspective.

Quote:
Originally posted by metblack85
You and I have very similar situations. While I haven't had a girlfriend die (I'm terribly sorry), I have lost 3 girlfriends to my still best friend. While he has since changed (he found jesus or something, I don't even know), my acquired tendency to worry hasn't. I am going to Boston College this August, while my girlfriend (6 months) is headed down to Delaware.
I worry about her constantly. She loves drinking, and shes going to be 5 hours away from me. She'll probably cheat on me right?
Well, while I worry every day that she'll cheat on me, I miss the obvious (and I should take a dose of my own advice here): she loves me, and has stayed with me for 6 months, and has promised me that she'll stay with me in college. I almost miss the fact that when I go to leave her house every time I'm there, she wraps her arms around my waist and falls to the floor, trying to keep me at her house. An originally prudent girl, she gave her virginity to me recently. What you have to do is look at the signs. They will tell you exactly what she intends to do. If your girl is acting anything like mine, she wants to stay with you as much as you want to stay with her, no matter the distance. If you have faith in her, and give her the benefit of a doubt, theres still a chance she'll break your heart. But if you don't, then there's a 100% chance neither of you will have a happy relationship with the other one. I know its tough, I myself can't even believe im typing this to you, but the fact that I am means it must be true.

The only thing I worry about is her getting shitfaced at some party and doing something that she'll regret. But her character would never allow her to do something like that to me intentionally, and she loves me so much, I'm sure shell safeguard herself in environments like that.

Anyway, I hope this has helped.

It's neat how thinking about a problem from anotherís perspective can help you think more clearly about your own, similar, problem, huh? If Iím having a hard time thinking clearly about an emotionally loaded situation, I often imagine a friend dealing with the same thing. It sure does help.

With that in mind, what advice would you give to a friend in a similar situation?

This girl seems like she really loves you, let her have fun. Sheíll love you more for it.
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Old 06-08-2004, 05:51 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Not sure I can help but I was/am sorta going through something like this.
But I was with a girl I cared about and we split so I could be with another girl that I beleived / well we beleived to be true loves.
Then a few months into it she dumped me. At first I thought it was so she could be with her ex. (btw I guess I totally deserve for this to happen!) But my point is if you worry you will not be able to get past it. You need to be able to beleive that she is with you for a reason. YOU need to beat this and you can. Why would she be with you if she didn't care about you?
You need to be more self assured look at what you have not what might never happen. Look at the haves not the have nots.
eg. you have her.
you don't have a problem girl with a cheating problem.
You do have a girl who cares enough to reassure you and try to work it out.
You don't have a girl who minimizes your problem and gives you reason to worry.
see where I am going?
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Old 06-08-2004, 06:17 PM   #10 (permalink)
* * *
 
You might need counselling... That's a lot to deal with.

I imagine this is how things like Paranoid Personality Disorder and Anxiety Disorders develop. Do what you can to open up and find what you can to make your own so that you don't have to rely on attention from her to be happy.
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Old 06-08-2004, 06:52 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Location: Ann Arbor, MI
My last girlfriend did the same to me. We were together for three years and she cheated on me three times. I think that eventually, me being concerned that she was going to cheat on me drove her to do it; when she'd hang out with other guys, I would go crazy, and I probably planted the idea in her head of cheating on me by constantly ensuring that she hadn't. So my advice to you is this: if she's going to cheat on you, she's going to cheat on you. Instead of worrying about it, simply tell yourself that if it happens, you'll deal with it. Otherwise, live like nothing's wrong. The further away from your mind you can get the issue, the less of an issue it is.
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Old 06-08-2004, 07:06 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Location: Republic of Panama
The other thing to consider is that sometimes, although its not right and its not nice, people push boundarys, try to find the limit. If you are coming across as very weak in the relationship, there are certain types of of people who will abuse that, as you seem to found out.

But, I dont think girl wants to cheat on you. But you have to project an air of confidence and self belief, so that it is clear if she did cheat on you, you wouldnt just take it.

Not easy I know, but, you have to try.
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Old 06-10-2004, 09:38 AM   #13 (permalink)
Tilted
 
Thank you for all the great advice. I've been taking alot of it to heart, and its starting to help.

One thing I've been saying to myself is that I shouldnt worry about her cheating, and just know that if she does that I'll be able to handle it. Im still scared that she will, but I see that it's been something thats been carried through with my from all my relationships. I need to work on it.

She's given me tons of reassurance that she wont be bad during beach week.... I guess I might also be still a bit upset that she doesnt want me to go. Seeing we planned to go since last year, even planned to go by ourselves and maybe with another couple, and then she drops me for her friends. Didnt make me feel too good. I guess that now because I cant go and that I've heard that one of her friends will most likely be "all over the place" with other guys, it just worries me that my gf will do the same.

Maybe I'm starting to get over the whole flirting thing, but im still sensitive. I still dont want her doing it when Im there with her. I guess im getting over her doing it when Im not there by "window shopping" myself. I was with my boss at lowes buying bolts for a new rackmount server, and he was noticing some cute girl's butt. Now, before I would act like that person didnt exist. Now I started to look, maybe joke around a little. I guess that experience made me feel a little better. I dont know.

Im still hurt and petrified that something will happen, and that maybe she is plotting behind me. Thats what other girls did. Now I've paranoid and a conspiracty theorist with relationships.... I dont exactly know how to get over that.

(And yes, I have been in therapy, for some time now, it hasnt as helped as much as this thread has)
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