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Old 06-28-2004, 04:33 PM   #1 (permalink)
Psycho
 
Location: London, England
Another Vent (sorry guys)

Sorry to vent but it helps keep a private issue annonymous i suppose! Ignore as you please...

Ok so here is the story... My girlfriend (well as of earlier...) recently came on a trip to Canada from England to meet my family and friends and then to travel etc. etc. she was there for 2 weeks, I was there for 3 (as pre planned).. Everything was going great and she even brought up the big 'L' word a couple of times...anyways I get back tonight and go to see her and I get the 'we need to talk'. So apparently during this one week while i was still in canada she saw an ex of hers and discovered that she still had feelings for him as well as for me and they kissed. Now 'she needs some time' and well so do I... I've had a forever amound of trust in her before this incident but do I continue to trust her now nomatter what happens? I've been screwed over in the past so I wouldn't say that i'm new to this arena but all of a sudden this seems a little different... Am I just a sucker? Should I run whilst I still can? All opinions welcome.. but no flaming please.. use a different thread for that (perhaps the soon to be 'Hockeyguy is an idiot' thread =P )
cheers guys
-T (who still loves women, but is gaining an ever lower trust in them...)
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Old 06-28-2004, 04:44 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Go out, find some other girls, and get this chick off of your mind. I don't mean dump her, or cut her out of your life - just have some fun with other people.

I've had a steady relationship with one person for nearly 5 years now (I'm relatively young - that's saying something). Whenever we get bored with each other, or angry, or anything - we just go spend the evening with someone else. This might mean hooking up with a friend or seducing a complete stranger.

Variety helps bring the spiceand interest back...and then reminds you of why you're with the person in the first place.
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Old 06-28-2004, 04:55 PM   #3 (permalink)
Psycho
 
Location: London, England
Thats some good advice and I think that to some extent I do that anyways its just fairly natural to me (Personally, I think that I ahve quite a bit of confidence or so people have told me) .
It only happened last night though but i'm thinking that following though with some more of that and who knows what happens happens!
But the thought of 'once a cheater always a cheater' rings load and clear at the moment....
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Old 06-28-2004, 06:26 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Hey, she told you about it and is being honest. That's gotta count for something in terms of trusting her. I say talk to her and agree to take some time to think about it, and that could mean being non-exclusive. If she comes back to you and you still want her, bless you both. If not, there's your answer. If you want to be with her and she comes back and is sorry, forgive her and let it go. And I mean really let it go - nobody wants to be beaten over the head with their mistakes. It just makes them more likely to fulfill your low expectations.
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Old 06-28-2004, 06:38 PM   #5 (permalink)
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She kissed this guy? Dude, what the hell are you thinking? There was absolutely no reason for her to be kissing anybody but you. That has cheater written all over it as far as I'm concerned.

If she did it once, she'll do it again.

Good luck.
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Old 06-28-2004, 09:23 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Location: Amish-land, PA
I dunno...maybe I'm just looking at this from a way different angle.

My girlfriend has kissed other guys (and other girls). I've kiised other girls. Sometimes in front of each other. This has never bothered either of us - in fact, we often try to help the other get with the person they're seeking. This is where I'm coming from.

She kissed another guy. That's no big deal. I certainly wouldn't call it cheating. Now she "needs some time".

Hmm....time for what? Time apart? Time to learn to speak Greek? Time to fuck other guys without feeling bad about it?

Here lies the problem - it's not that she "cheated" on you, it's not that she lied to you (since she actually told you what happened), it's that she felt that this was a life-changing event. It means that she still has feelings for this guy that are so strong she would consider leaving you for him. This is a problem. This is not the "I just want to screw other people to keep life interesting" phase, this is the "I want my life to go in a different direction - away from you" phase.

Now, this may just be that - a phase. But I doubt it. When guys say that they need time, they mean that they want to sleep with other people and see if any are better than the current girlfriend. If girls say this, however, it means that they truly aren't so keen on you afterall.

Basically, it comes down to this: Stay with her, and never have her truly to yourself (this is what I did, because I'm a pansy), or leave her and seek out better girls. It's your choice.
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Old 06-29-2004, 06:01 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Location: London, England
Gotta really enjoy the two angle thinking to this whole situation... I jstu don't know really where to place myself... She e-mailed me again today apologizing again but she just 'needs a bit of time to sort herself out' i'm taking it as 'it's over' but we'll see from there... I'd love for her to be back but if things arn't gonna work out both ways then there is no point in continuing at all. Still in shock though after I thought things were going so well. Ah well, thats life i suppose!
-T
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Old 06-29-2004, 06:58 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Location: Dallas, Tx
i would apreciate the fact that shes being upfront and honest with you. i would keep doing your thing until she finds out what she wants. i dont think this should effect your trust in her since she did tell you. i can understand you feeling hurt since you care about her and her feelings towards you are now in question.

just keep being you and in the end you'll be fine...with or without her.
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Old 06-29-2004, 07:13 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Location: canada
gas her dude...cause you will never trust her again
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Old 06-29-2004, 08:45 AM   #10 (permalink)
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TM875 said some awesome stuff. Probably one of the best analysis of a relationship problem i've ever heard.
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Old 06-29-2004, 09:15 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Hard to tell from your facts. Do you love her? If so, then you need to tell her and figure out your relationship. If not, then I don't think you can expect that much more out of her. If you haven't committed to her, you can't really expect more in return. So, to me, you decision turns on how much you really like her. Clearly you two are at the proverbial "fork in the road". If you have a future, one kiss with an ex shouldn't keep you from it. If you can get over it, do it. If you can't, and be honest with yourself, then tell her so and move on. Good luck bro.
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Old 06-29-2004, 11:08 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by lurkette
Hey, she told you about it and is being honest. That's gotta count for something in terms of trusting her. I say talk to her and agree to take some time to think about it, and that could mean being non-exclusive. If she comes back to you and you still want her, bless you both. If not, there's your answer. If you want to be with her and she comes back and is sorry, forgive her and let it go. And I mean really let it go - nobody wants to be beaten over the head with their mistakes. It just makes them more likely to fulfill your low expectations.
Right on.

She did nothing wrong at all. It's no one's fault that she still has feelings for the person.

In fact, I really respect her for being truthfull about the sitution. I've been there and the thought of keeping it a secret is very appealing. She did the right thing.

You care for the girl , and she cares for you. Give her a little bit of time to straighten her feelings out. Just make sure each of you understand exactly where you stand before you take a break. You don't want one partner thinking they're still exclusive and the other not.

Good luck man!
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Old 06-29-2004, 05:39 PM   #13 (permalink)
Psycho
 
Location: London, England
A happy ending?
Thanx for the advice guys and well I have news... She e-mailed me today and I just let that be because as she told me last night that 'she wanted time' and so i wanted to give it to her, she then called late tonight. The first time i didn't answer because It hasn't even been 24 hours.. BUT she tried again a few mins later and I picked up. I could tell that she'd been crying etc., and then she burst into tears again. anyways we spoke briefly and I just agreed to meet up with her (I was gonna give it a few days...her mum apparently even got her to call again and then drive her to mine (At 1am...)) Ok so story goes as follows, she keeps saying 'i'm sorry' and I ask her 'whats happening' she gave me a big story, told me all the details about this guy, the past with him and also said that she met up with him already today...nothing happened and she realized that she wanted to be with me and missed me. WEll we discussed a lot and i've told her that she does indeed have to make it clear to this guy whats happening and then and only then i'll be willing to take her back. I love her and she she loves me. I still trust her as well, especially for being as honest as she was without me prying at all. So it looks as if in a few days it should all be back together especially because according to her 'needing time' wasn't meant as 'breaking up'.. so perhaps thats the moral of the story?
Ah well, thanx so much for the help everyone and if you're still reading this then an extra thanx to you and hope you don't feel like too many minutes of ur time have been wasted :P
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Old 06-29-2004, 10:26 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Location: Seattle
I'm always amazed at the amount of "she kissed another guy?! dump her!" responses on threads like this, as opposed to "go for it!" responses on threads dealing with if a guy should cheat on his girlfriend.

That said, I don't think that anyone can really give proper advice to you since we don't know you or her or the relationship you two have. The important thing is that she talked to you about it, and you both are open enough with each other to talk about the impact such feelings will have on your relationship.
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Old 06-29-2004, 10:58 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Thats messed up. On a trip together, she got together with a ex-b/f, and kissed him. For awhile now, she must have been thinking about him. And now, your relationship is up in the air because she's deciding on, who she's wants. I'm not gonna sit here and tell you what to do. But it sounds like she doesnt love you, like you thought. Good luck.....
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Old 06-30-2004, 10:23 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Location: Somewhere just beyond the realm of sanity...
Sounds complicated....

Life is a game of chess

How good are you at chess?
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Old 06-30-2004, 05:38 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Interesting.. seems many here think this is an all or nothing game. My only advice is to keep yourself in mind. Forgiveness may well be in order, as well as understanding. However, she's no longer got the right to consider it her problem alone. She's brought it to you, it's now your issue as well. (presuming that you are still upset about it, because if not, then there's no issue) As a result of bringing it to you. She's shared the burden with you, (without your consent, in fact) You are entitled to whatever level of satisfaction you require in exchange for your continued availability.. Not an eye for an eye, but an exchange of value for the value she took. If that means that you need an extended conversation to resolve and close the issue, you may require it. (whether she gives that or not, is her option and decision.).. short version of the story: You do still have the right to make the inquiries or stipulations that you choose. She has the right to refuse.
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Old 07-01-2004, 04:25 PM   #18 (permalink)
Psycho
 
Location: London, England
Quote:
Originally posted by The.Lunatic
Sounds complicated....

Life is a game of chess

How good are you at chess?
Nope... haha

toxic515 I know exactly what your saying there and I think to an extent thats what i've done over the past couple days. I've told her that I don't want to meet up with her again yet (giving it time) until she completely sorts this other guy out and then we'll be able to talk about it further and see what the outcome is. She knows that I have lost a bit of trust in her and has told me that she needs to know if she'll even be able to gain that back. (and also continually apologizes for hurting me etc...) I'm giving her quite a bit of credit/respect for at least doing this. At least I think that now she further understands whats going on and where I'm standing on all of this its onto the next week or so to figure out whats up.
Thanx again.. Gotta love life...
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