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Old 06-29-2004, 02:58 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Any suggestions?

How do you stop being hungry and horny? find out your boyfriend has cheated on you. That is just about how my day started.

I don't know what to do. I'm so sad. I cry and then stop and then cry some more. He hasn't even told me yet. His friend did. Only after I grilled him for awhile he finally gave in and told me what I already suspected.

Heres the problem. I have never loved a guy as much as love him. He always said he would never cheat on me. I have heard that alcohol was a factor, but in my book that is no excuse. They did everything but sex. He couldn't find a condom. I feel like shit. My last boyfriend cheated on me and now my current one.

Part of me hates myself because I still love him. I want him to call and say it was just a mistake and that it meant nothing to him..but so far nothing. I feel that there is something lacking on my part to have two guys do this in a row. So as of now I feel unattractive and I don't know if I will ever trust a guy again. I think I'd be willing to give him a chance to redeem himself. He says that he loves me, but after this I have doubts. I just want a big hug and to forget about all of this. What would you guys do? Give the person a second chance or kick them out of your life??
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Old 06-29-2004, 04:16 PM   #2 (permalink)
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hug
Go ahead and cry, we'll be here when you get back... It's therapeutic.

When you feel calm(er) Talk to your boyfriend, right now you are taking the word of his friend, what does the friend have to gain by telling you. He's obviously not a good friend to your boyfriend if he ratted him out. Before you make any decisions you really need to talk to him, and hear what he has to say.

If he indeed does confess to cheating...

I wouldn't make any rash decisions in the "heat of the moment". You are upset now, you are hurt, you feel betrayed, that's all natural and normal. Your boyfriend's decision to cheat was entirely his decision.

Giving a person a second chance? Depends on what that person has to offer you. Except for the cheating thing, which is a betrayed, does he have enough to offer that makes him worth keeping around? You are barely 20 years old, are you really looking for a "rest of your life?"

Alcohol is not an excuse for bad behavior, yes, it lowers inhibitions, but it's not an excuse for cheating.

You cannot turn off who you love like a faucet, time will take care of that.
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Last edited by maleficent; 06-29-2004 at 04:34 PM..
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Old 06-29-2004, 04:23 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Speaking as someone who hurt someone else. I can't know your side of the hurt. But I am hoping that he realizes what he has done. I can't say forgive him or forget him. That is a decision only you can make. You are the one who will know what you want. I say take some time away let him know that you know. Don't wait for him to come out with it.
And from his side I beleive that cheating in any case is wrong. I know that and I know what I did was wrong. But for some they don't understand the pain the cause and do it again. Please don't think its you or anything about you. Some are just this way.
I don't want to be labled a cheater for what I did. And I don't think you should lable yourself defective for someone else.
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Old 06-29-2004, 04:40 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by Sugar&Spice
I feel that there is something lacking on my part to have two guys do this in a row. So as of now I feel unattractive and I don't know if I will ever trust a guy again. I think I'd be willing to give him a chance to redeem himself
I hate so much that another person's selfishness could cause another person to doubt their value and their worth. You are a beautiful young woman, don't ever let someone else's actions have you believe otherwise.

You will trust again, when a person shows you they are worthy of your trust. If your boyfriend said he'd never cheat on you, sounds like you had doubts about him once.

Quote:
Originally posted by Sugar&Spice
I think I'd be willing to give him a chance to redeem himself
Do it because he has something to offer you, don't do it because you think you don't deserve better. You deserve someone who will care about you and your feelings enough to never hurt you like that again.
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Old 06-29-2004, 04:47 PM   #5 (permalink)
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This is one of those situations for which the classic Dear Abby question applies:

Are you better off with him than without him?

The advice to chill for awhile and to not make a significant decision until you feel more in control of your emotions is a good one. At that point, if I were you, I would be quite honest with myself about the pros and cons of the relationship, and if the good outweighs the bad.

Nobody is perfect. Only you can decide what amount of negatives are worth it to you in order to be with him.

One cautionary comment: You low self-esteem (feeling unattractive) is an indicator that you may be in the relationship to compensate for something you do not like about yourself. It is difficult to have a healthy, enduring relationship when one doesn't love and accept oneself. I'm not saying this is the case with you; but it is something you may wish to think about in your time of reflection.
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Old 06-29-2004, 05:06 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Thanks for all the advice so far. You guys make it easier. I still haven't talked to him. The big problem is that I will be flying up there to see him thursday. Couldn't he have waited for me to get there?? I would've gladly had sex with him. So now I'm trying to decide if I should stay with him or a mutual friend when I get there.

I thought he did have a lot to offer. He was so wonderful before all of this. We were like best friends who were in a relationship. And I guess I just don't want to give up on what we had. No I really never had any doubts about him cheating. We had just made this pact that if we ever had the urge to mess around with someone else we'd just end the relationship and not cause the other the pain of finding that out.

He'd always tell me that I'd be the one hurting him in the end. I'd find someone better and break up with him. What a joke.
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Old 06-29-2004, 06:53 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by Sugar&Spice
We had just made this pact that if we ever had the urge to mess around with someone else we'd just end the relationship and not cause the other the pain of finding that out.
i can't tell you whether to stay with him or break up, but i can tell you that these pacts are worthless. in fact, it probably would've been worse if he had held true to the pact and called you up while he's drunk and about to mess around with that girl.

anyway, i'm sorry to hear about your situation. i'm sure you'll find some answers soon and then you can pick up the pieces and move on, either with or without him. best wishes.
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Old 06-29-2004, 07:54 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Break up with him, yesterday.

It sounds like this guy is a total dipshit who would probably just use alcohol as some kind of "excuse." I wish I could do a lot of really fucked up shit and blame it on alcohol and have everybody forgive me because it "wasn't my fault." This doesn't seem to work unless you're dealing with a weak significant other, i.e. "He beats my ass a lot, but he treats me so well when he's not drinking."

I'm sure you're a great girl with a lot to offer. Why would you waste any additional time on an ungrateful bastard? Why not give a nice guy a chance to date you? I'm sure a nice guy'd appreciate you a lot more.
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Old 06-29-2004, 08:47 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I don't really know what to say. I could say things to make you feel better, but they would be lies. Your situation sucks, and I feel for you because my g/f did the same to me.

From someone who has been in the same situation, I can tell you is to tell yourself that the more you cups you knock over, the closer you are to finding the coin. He'll come to you eventually, don't worry.
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Old 06-29-2004, 09:45 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Update!! It always feels better to get the story right from the actual person. It wasn't quite as bad as what I had thought, but still painful. We finally were able to talk it all out. He is regretful and he hates himself. Which he should. Maybe because I am only his second girlfriend (we are both 20) he felt the need to see what else was out there. Now, I am not making excuses for him because he is not off the hook and he knows it. It will take time and a lot of communication for us to go on. I feel better until I let my mind wander and I visualize him with someone else. I guess all I can do is wait and see how the trip goes.
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Old 07-21-2004, 10:51 AM   #11 (permalink)
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You say you are only his second girlfriend? Which number boyfriend is he? If he is also a rather low number, simply tell him that you want to see what else is out there too. That will put the shoe on the other foot, and see what he says to that suggestion. If he says "good idea", then forget him...if you can tell it really bothers him, then perhaps you can work on patching things up.
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Old 07-21-2004, 12:22 PM   #12 (permalink)
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unoaman has a good point, although I think he's using it wrong. You should definately point out to your man that you could easily do the same thing and ask him how HE feels about it. It can be quite eye-opening for a man to, for example, ask for a threesome and have his girlfriend say, "Yeah! Which man would you like?"

About your wondering if it's "your fault"... It's not your fault (duh) because he is a free and independent person. Like you. If you cheated, would you then tell your man, "Sorry, but it was really your fault"?

But if he makes you feel this way, then he is not good enough for you. Everyone should make their lover feel good. EVERYONE. There is no excuse for EVER making your lover feel like less than they are. That's the real crime here: not that he cheated, but that he somehow magically made you pass the blame to yourself.
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Old 07-21-2004, 12:29 PM   #13 (permalink)
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"It can be quite eye-opening for a man to, for example, ask for a threesome and have his girlfriend say, "Yeah! Which man would you like?""

If only she would........
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Old 07-21-2004, 05:49 PM   #14 (permalink)
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iam sorry and i feel your pain but i sure would not stay with him even as a freind i do not know you but you have to be so much a better person then what he needs i just can not stand for someone who cheats to me they are the lowest form of life there is so please move on there are better men out there for you
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Old 07-21-2004, 06:35 PM   #15 (permalink)
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*Important Question
Did he tell you because you found out about it? Did his friend tell him he told you? Or did he tell you because it was killing his conscience?

Don't be too naive with the guy. There are those out there that can act the part really well, I mean I don't know if he can, but that's a possibility.

Read post below, I agree and go back on what i said.
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Last edited by theusername; 07-23-2004 at 08:16 PM..
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Old 07-23-2004, 07:02 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by theusername

If you are gonna stay with him. Test him a little bit.
Noooooooooooooooooo.

Why in the world would anyone "test" anyone? He broke your trust, it is best for you to decide whether or not you guys can get through it, but "testing" someone and fucking with their mind is not a good way to get back to a healthy, meaningful relationship.

Yes, I have been a victim of such testing, and passed, but it really drove a wedge into our relationship.
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Old 07-23-2004, 07:26 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by Sugar&Spice
He'd always tell me that I'd be the one hurting him in the end. I'd find someone better and break up with him. What a joke.
This probably isn't what you want to hear, but what he predicted is what I'd reccommend doing, except that he was the one who hurt you.
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