True, but it sounded like you were indicating that all men would make love, excuse me, would screw this woman. I was stating that that was plainly false, if that was indeed your intended point. If not, then I apologize for my jumping to conclusions.

I am not saying that many men do not think this way, I am not saying that many women do not either. I am saying that all men and women do not think this way.

You didn't jump to conclusions Kalnaur.

I also agree with you, but, there will always be a reason as to why the guy wouldnt sleep with her in that situation or any situation like it.

Either.

1. The guy is gay.
2. The guy does not think the girl is attractive.
3. The guy is already screwing a girl that is a better catch.

Otherwise, the guy will fuck her.

i'm having the same problem but i'm realizing that tryin to control it is tearing us appart so i just am going to trust her try to learn as much as i can but if something does happen I've told her in the past i would kill any man who did that and i dont know what id do with myself and her

would you care to explain what you meant by that?

Forgive me if i am wrong, but i do believe he was saying that male "friends" to a female are just a stable where she keeps extra men until emergencies arise where they are in need of sex basically.

Also, like ive said before, once there isnt 100% trust in a relationship its just a downward spiral.

Well if thats what he meant, thats just wrong wrong wrong and in my opinion its that kind of thinking that pisses off girlfriends and shows NO trust at all.

(edit because Im going to have to watch my temper on this thread, difficult as it is)

Y'know I keep seeing the same messages come up in this thread over and over.

**If you don't trust your gf there is something wrong with you.
**If you can't trust your gf there is something wrong with her.

Some of us have insecurities, some of us have a hard time beleving that we are worthy of a fine woman to stand beside us.

No matter how much you berate me and say "Get over it, trust is integral." Some of us are going to be insecure, we would like some sort of external assurance that, for lack of a better phrase, she is mine and I am hers.

So to those of you who have 100% trust and faith and security in your relationships.... holey fuck do I envy you.

What sort of external assurance would satisfy you?

But see...in a lot of cases...those insecurities will be the very thing that the SO will get tired of eventually and look elsewhere to seek a more secure relationship...which leads to everybody saying things like have been said here.

Who wants to be with a person they have to be constantely reassuring....it DOES get old eventually.

Well that is just my point, there is no such thing.

Now don't get me wrong, there is a huge chasm between; being vaugly worried that she is going to walk out on me, and stalking her to bars when she meets friends.

Furthermore, insecurity is a character flaw, I acknowledge that (and lucky for me someone loves me regardless of this), and no matter how many times I (we, whatever) are reassured it is going to persist. Telling someone like me to "Get over my insecurities," is about as effective to tell me to "enjoy liver and onions." Sorry, some of us are just not wired that way.

Re: Does your girlfriend have guy friends? You OK with that?
 

i think you need to take a step back and think, why would you feel threttend by her having freinds? i (male) have several female freinds, but would certainly not date them. there is nothing wrong with freindship. if i were to have a GF i would not have any trouble with her having guy freinds as well.

I find this to be inacurate. I found plenty of women in high school and college to be attractive, even before I met my fiancee. However, I was not compelled to sleep with them, nor would I have if they had offered. That's just not the way it's done.

Menoman,

I agree with what you posted. What I am afraid off is that people will look at it and come to the conclusion that if a guy and a girl get together they will automatically fuck. That’s simply not the case. Just because something can happen doesn’t mean it will happen. One’s significant other can step out onto the street and get hit by a car, yet one doesn’t chain them indoors because of this.

the_marq and others that see insecurity as a weakness,

It is precisely because there is a risk of loosing your loved one that they feel so special. If you had a guarantee that they will stay with you no mater what then a relationship would be meaningless. It’s one of those - without the bad there can be no good – kind of situations.

I fear loosing my girl. I am jealous of other guys. I know I would be terribly heart broken and probably go a tad berserk if my girl cheated on me. I am aware of all the risk, but I would rather stick my neck out then stay with a person I cannot trust. The value of trust outweighs the risks involved.

Good point, as you say, I believe that the "Thought" or "want" of sex will be in every single guy/girl friendship unless it qualifies to the things I stated up a bit farther.

Ahhh, the age old question.

When I was younger (teens and early 20's), this was something that I had to accept and deal with.

But now that I am slightly older, I would never put up with it. If my wife started hanging around guys and called them "friends", I would run a muck with a meat cleaver.

There are "acceptable" terms involved. Of course being nice to guys on the job or the occansional "hey how are ya" type deals.

Anything more than that......."death from above"

I don't have a problem with my fiancée having male friends. She doesn't have many guy friends, but I know that most of them are gay (Like 7 out of 10). I'm not saying that to be an asshole or try to make them look "bad" or anything, I know, for a fact that they're gay.

She's fine with me having female friends also. Hell, one of my ex-girlfriends is and has been one of my best friends and still hangs around my place at a pretty regular basis. They've (my fiancée and ex-girlfriend) have become pretty good friends since they've first met each other too.

I trust her and she trusts me, so we don't have problems when it comes to having friends of the opposite sex.

I dunno. I hear what a lot of you are saying and I agree with those that talk about trust, etc, but I also think you are oversimplifying things.

I think it is easy for a girlfriend to be seduced once a certain amount of stress enters the relationship. I dont think I need to qualify how easily human will can be broken and the mind clouded sometimes. I laughed at the comments about "if your relationship is secure you can go away for a month and have another guy live with her". People get lonely. People get stressed. Things happen that they come to regret later on, but that can't be undone.

And even if you girlfriend doesnt stray sexually, there are other ways for her to betray your trust that you wouldnt pick up so quickly. Apart from being you SO's lover, you should also be his/her best friend, but very often, emotional comforting or even intellectual sparring with someone else can lead to attachment and (co)dependancy. Whilst your SO would perhaps not sleep with this other person, in a sense he/she would be provising your SO with something very personal that you dont/cant. I'm not saying that you should be abe to fulfill all you SO's needs, but you should fulfill all the core needs.

Frankly, I dont know which is worse: having your SO fucking someone else or becoming attached to him/her emotionally/intellectualy and confiding in him/her.


I, personally, have no problem with my girlfriend having male friends, as long as they behave themselves appropriately. I do have problems with her going out on date-like scenarios with her male friends, though, for the reasons outlined above. As for myself, whenever I'm in a relationship, I stop one-on-one outings with my female friends. They understand why. In general, Also, I think that when you're in a relationship its easier to deal with coupled friends (on both your and your SO's sides), since single friends isee things differently as they dont have any third party to consider.

Agree with most of that, seeing I've been the other guy on occasion. I make friends real easy. If you're not your SO's best friend then you should reconcile yourself to possibly losing her. You are her confidant, and she should be able to tell you everything, even if you don't like it. If you're not a sympathetic listener, she'll go cry on someone's shoulder opening her up to be vulnerable.

The male has a huge responsibility and is hamstrung from an early age due to the conditioning of society to be macho etc. Not that I am *smirk* but these are my observations.

the onus is also on the male to exercise that thing that seemed to go out of fashion in the Eighties. Restraint. Sure you know you could probably fuck half your female friends, even the one with boyfriends, but do you have to? When someone leaves themselves vulnerable to you, take it as a compliment and if you're a real friend you won't act on it if you/she are involved with someone else.

more later.

Very well said Vaultboy.

the underlying question is... what makes someone more than a friend.....

if you can go to dinner and movies with someone, you would say that having a relationship with them would be to kiss or have other romantic contact.


whereas there are many people on this board who will pose nude and have a significant other (also on this board) with out any problems.


so, in your opinion(s) what constitutes a relationship? i've been thinking about this one a lot because i too am insecure about male friends that my girlfriend has, it's not that i don't trust her or anything... just me=)

(note i'm not disrespecting anyone based on their relationships, i'm just pointing something out and asking a question)

ManWithAPlan,

I'll start with the obvious. Each couple has different chemistry. People have to feel out limits in their own relationships. I actually know girls who want their boyfriends to be jealous and protective because they see it as a sign of affection. Other girls will go mad if you try to control them. Men are different too. Some feel they have to be macho others are laid back and confident. Obviously people are hard to change. I think it is important to find a middle ground between what you and your partner on this issue. For example I am currently dating a shy chick. I feel pretty confident about her attraction for me. We communicate well and have a strong friendship. Because she has self image issues I stretch my limits a little further for her since her confidence would benefit from other guys flirting with her.

Otherwise here is how I cope with this issue.

- I think that I should get the majority of her time when it comes to her contact with guys. I don’t mind her having guy friends but I should be her best male friend. Obviously this can’t be forced. Keeping her away from other guys and thus making me her only guy friend would not make me her best friend.

- I want to be aware of her friend and be a part of her social life. If your significant other hasn’t introduced you to their friends then you are their fuck toy and/or monetary assistance supplier. This applies to both sexes. There are acceptations; for example some people are shy of social situation. Sometimes girls can be oblivious of guys with ulterior motives. It’s important to point to such facts gently; otherwise the girl will think that you are just jealous. She will see it in time if you simply mention it.

- I am very lenient with guys who have their own girlfriends. Such friendships with girls have been of great benefit for me in the past. They allow you to talk about intimate things with less risk of developing feelings for each other.

- Guys who were her friends from before she became your girlfriend are almost always harmless. Even if they are pursuing her they have either failed in the attempt or are too shy to ever make a move. The worst that can happen is a random infidelity due to stress on your relationship. Keep the relationship healthy and you will never have to worry about these guys.

- The average single guy is a pretty broad description. You really have to take it on a case-by-case basis. Obviously if some guy she barely knew asked her for dinner then it is pretty clear that he is trying to make a move. If your girlfriend accepted such an offer then your relationship was over to begin with. Otherwise work and sport friends are pretty common. There will always be occasions where your girl will end up hanging out alone with one of them. The frequency of such meetings will vary based on the situation, be rational.

If your girl begins to spend too much time with another guy then you should see that as a sign of trouble in the relationship. Separating your girl from other guys will only buy you a little time but in the long run such bids to control her will damage the relationship even further. The best way to avoid infidelity is to prevent it by keeping your relationship healthy though communication, friendship, trust and passion. If you know what your girl wants and go out of your way to satisfy those need then she will not need other guys. If a girl loves you, even a half assed attempt to give her something she wants is worth so much more coming from you then the best attempt coming from another man.

Cheers.

Great post, Mantus. I hope people read your post, then re-read it. And then read it again.

:thumbsup:

i agree, good post. but you should know i was only offering up the suggestion of the same thing that you put the time in to explain. everyone's gotta find their niche.

Re: Does your girlfriend have guy friends? You OK with that?
 

Well apart from all the PC stuff that has already been said in this thread:

I would not be comfortable, had I not already met the guy. She's my GF, and I am her BF, so its my fucking business too. I would not like for her to go out with anyone I did not know, even more so if its a guy. Call me insecure or whatever, I don't care.

If there is nothing to hide your GF would not mind you meeting him. So what is the problem in wanting to meet him?

Are you welcome to go along with them? if not there is something seriosuly wrong.

Another thing: as a guy I know this. If he's not gay, and he does not find her unnatractive, he WILL be thinking about having sex with her. And I sure as hell dont want my GF to go out with a guy thats thinking of screwing her without me.

Re: Re: Does your girlfriend have guy friends? You OK with that?
 

I feel this needs to be said: So, he's insecure. I am too. I am open to my GF about this and she knows. A good GF will try and reassure you, and try to alleviate your fear and insecurity. Just as a good BF would.

My GF has more guy friends than girl friends. All of them I know now, and I do not feel insecure when she's with them, except for one, which is not a friend anymore. But I still would not like it if she went to dinner, movies etc. with them alone, especially in the evening. And if I can go along I want to go along. If I am not welcome something IS wrong.

The one guy that is no friend anymore, had in the past asked her out. Thats a no no for me already as far as friendship goes. Hes intentions are CLEARLY not friendly. One day before my GF lived with me, I went to her house to find him there, staring at her breasts while she was busy with something. I kicked his fucking ass. You don't get to stare at her body, especially not in such an improper way.

Its not that i don't trust her, its that I don't trust the guy. What if he gets her drunk at dinner? What the fuck then? These are things that i would not be able to handle so I avoid a situation like that any way I can. Before she met me she'd get drunk with these guys and they'd carry her around etc. And thats just NOT ON. Get your hands the fuck off.

I am insecure. I am over protective. I am jealous. When i am overseas on business and I hear one of her male friends are there it drives me nuts. But I love her, and we meet eachother half-way. She does not go out with her male friends without me, and I don't go out with female friends without her. We are both happy this way. My feelings may not be Politically Correct, but I am honest about them, and I will not apologize for them.

1. don't triple post
2. i'm a guy and i don't think about screwing every attractive girl i spend time with.
3. according to your post (one of them) you are saying you'd be okay if he were thinking about screwing her if you were in their company?

1. Sory about the triple post. I am used to a forum that concatenates your consecutive posts automatically. Sorry.

2. I was overstating :p

3. I'd not be OK with it but the chances are smaller and he has no chance when I am around.

no hard feelings.:-P

I call bullshit :\ guys are guys.

This attitude enforces negative stereotypes and creates a kind of permissiveness to the objectification of women.

There is the old saying, "you get what you expect." I think we should expect more, but it takes more people than me to change things. The best I can say isn't that "guys are guys", but that all people make choices about many things in life including what they value.

I value the woman that I'm in love with and the idea of having sex with anyone else does no justice to my moral sensibilities, my aesthetic sensibilites, and it really just doesn't feel right.

It can be hard to accept, but most of the other people in this thread are correct: you've got to trust her.

Gimma break, so you're saying you'd screw your sister if she were hot enough? It is actually possible for guys to have a relationship with attractive girls and not see them as just a hole to stick their dick in. Some guys value women for their personalities not as sexual objects. I have quite a few attractive women friends and I don't think about screwing them. I value their friendship and our interaction. Sure I've though, if situations were different I would think about having a more intimate relationship, that's why I call them attractive women. But I would not want such an intimate relationship with these women because of the nature of our relationship and not just because of other relationships.

menoman, you should really get a chance to know people before you judge... everyone i know would tell you that i'm not your typical PERSON, not to mention typical guy. that's not to say that i'm a complete anamaly (sp?) and there aren't other guys that don't fit the profile.

Re: Re: Re: Does your girlfriend have guy friends? You OK with that?
 

ok, I've already stated my case in a previous post so no need to do it again, but this REALLY gets me.....the time of day a girl goes out with a guy means something?

not really....

Seems ok for a lady to hang around her guy friends as much as she wants before she's married. After she's married though, it seems a little strange for her to want to 'hang with the guys' (or guy) anytime, day or night. Then its a completely different story. IMHO.

So powerclown are you saying that when she gets married she's supposed to dump her friends just because they happen to be males? What kind of person marries a girl and asks her to give up her friends?

ShaniFaye, good point.
No, Im not saying dump all her male friends.
But don't you think she needs to maybe spend more (the majority?)of her time with her husband and less time with her male friends?
I lost a few women (and men) friends after they got married (and I was still single) because their spouses didn't want them running around wild like they did when they were single.
I guess what Im getting at is, do the old male/female relationships change once one or both are married? I guess it varies with people...

(this is OT, sorry: back on topic, then...)

i understand what powder is trying to say, i even think it applies before marriage...

the significant other should be the best friend or best company...