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Old 07-25-2004, 10:35 AM   #1 (permalink)
crow_daw's Avatar
Location: Vol Country
How the hell am I going to do this? (relationship advice)

I'm in a long term relationship with a girl a year younger than me. I'm going to college in about two weeks. I have to leave her. It's gonna kill me, but she's going to be even worse.

Now I'm not so far away that I can't come back, I'll be back as much as I possibly can, but do you TFP'ers honestly think we can pull this off? Cause I think if we survive the long distance thing without incident, I'll probably propose, cause I can't see anything else stopping us if this doesn't. But that's still a long way and I'm not considering marriage right now. Just tell me what you honest-to-God think guys, can we do this?

Side note: I do trust her, but I like to cover my bases, so as far as infidelity goes, I'm not worried. I live in a small town where everyone knows each other's business. You really have to live here to understand, I'm serious, you cannot do anything of any relevance without the entire town knowing. So she's going to be here, along with my little sister and her friends, some of the town's most infamous gossipers. And three of my friends will still be here. Point being, if she fucks around, I WILL KNOW. So I'm not worried about that.
"We each have a star, all we have to do is find it. Once you do, everyone who sees it will be blinded." - Earl Simmons
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Old 07-25-2004, 10:38 AM   #2 (permalink)
I think you should keep it going if you can. It will be differcult but if will be coming back everyone couple weeks, I imagine you can make it work. I would take her out on a romantic date and talk to her about your future, you sound like you want to give the long distance thing a try so she what she wants.
Old 07-25-2004, 11:43 AM   #3 (permalink)
Location: Dallas, Tx
obviously keep it going if you care about her.

side note: are you sure you really trust her? sounds like you only trust her depending on the situation .
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Old 07-25-2004, 11:57 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Location: California
My boyfriend and I have been together for a bit over fourteen months. I'm 18, and he's 19. We had been going out for only three or four months before he had to go away to college, while I was stuck in our home town still in high school. I got to see him every other weekend. So basically, I got one and a half days with him every two weeks. He lived three and a half hours away. Not only this, but when he DID come home, we couldn't really fool around (a normal part of a healthy relationship) because his family is super religious, and my dad is conservative/my mum is nosy. So sex gets put on hold- Keep that in mind, because I've read in some of your other posts about having sex all the time with your girlfriend.

We are going to continue to do this for at least two more years, and then we are semi-planning to live together.

Obviously, we're still going out, and our relationship is stronger than ever. Yes, it takes sacrificing other women, and her sacrificing other men. Frankly, that shouldn't be hard if you want commitment.

It takes sacrifice, basically, but ultimately, you end up with someone that will give you advice, love you no matter what, and lots and lots of memories- good and bad.

Last edited by la petite moi; 07-25-2004 at 12:18 PM..
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Old 07-25-2004, 12:33 PM   #5 (permalink)
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It's possible to do if you have enough commitment, but is it worth it?

My first year of college was probably the best year of my life. College is so fun, and everything is new and different. You'll be surrounded by girls 24/7.

Anyways, just something to think about. You said you're in a long term relationship, so I'm not trying to convince you to break up with her, but just be aware that it will be tough, and you'll be missing out on some things.
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Old 07-25-2004, 12:54 PM   #6 (permalink)
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It doesn't sound like you do trust your girlfriend...

College is the time of your life.. why be tied down to the girl back home... You're still so young -- why make the "rest of your life" decision now? Have fun - enjoy yourself and whatever happens -- happens between the both of you.
Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.
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Old 07-25-2004, 07:54 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Location: Vol Country
Originally posted by maleficent
It doesn't sound like you do trust your girlfriend...

College is the time of your life.. why be tied down to the girl back home... You're still so young -- why make the "rest of your life" decision now? Have fun - enjoy yourself and whatever happens -- happens between the both of you.
I'm sorry, I just don't agree with that, because I'm one of these people who is of the opinion that it isn't worth wasting what seems like a for sure thing for a little fun, or for a "could be" thing. I'm also a settled-down type of guy. If we broke up, I guarantee you I'd just have another serious girlfriend in Knoxville, but there's no way she could treat me as good as my current girlfriend. No possible way.

Cause I've had long term relationships before, so I don't view this as a first time naivety thing. I've been in relationships were I thought I was so happy and in love, and now that I'm with my girlfriend, I realize that ALL of those relationships were total shit. That HAS to count for something.

la petite moi, your post is what I was hoping to receive when I made this thread. Thank you so much. That really reassures me, but don't worry about sex being a problem, it won't be. I'm not a cheater, never have been, never will be. There's nothing I value more than honesty and loyalty. So no matter if we can't have sex for a year, I'll be faithful(and yes, I know I will, because I've actually done it, I went with a virgin for a year, and never had sex, and yes, I had had sex prior to that relationship.)And please no one say, "Yes, but will she?" Because don't get me wrong, if SHE wants it, then it'll happen.

And for all of you who don't think I trust her, I do. I'm just a "just-in-case" person, no matter the subject matter. I've had that backup plan since we started going out, and no, I didn't trust her then. But I've grown to, completely.
"We each have a star, all we have to do is find it. Once you do, everyone who sees it will be blinded." - Earl Simmons

Last edited by crow_daw; 07-25-2004 at 07:58 PM..
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Old 07-25-2004, 11:03 PM   #8 (permalink)
Re: How the hell am I going to do this? (relationship advice)

Originally posted by crow_daw
... Point being, if she fucks around, I WILL KNOW. So I'm not worried about that.
You're not worried about her "fucking around" beacuse you'd know about it? It seems almost as if you're keeping her in check. Perhaps it is her that needs to have the 'ties cut' as maleficent put it.

Anyway, my highschool sweetheart and I have been together for 2 years (known each other for 6) and we're perfectly fine being separated by 40 miles. We each go to different colleges- I travel back home every weekend to see her. I'm not missing out on anything either... 99.9% of the women at my college are alcohol/penisloving airheads. There's more to college (or life for that matter) than drinking half of it away

Anyway, I feel that as long as your relationship is open you won't miss out on anything you don't want to. I also think that communication is the key- just watch the phone bill as the miles add up!
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Old 07-26-2004, 06:22 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Location: Vol Country
Originally posted by Robaggio
You're not worried about her "fucking around" beacuse you'd know about it? It seems almost as if you're keeping her in check. Perhaps it is her that needs to have the 'ties cut' as maleficent put it.
No, you people aren't understanding me. This behavior is just in my nature. And I don't mean untrusting behavior, I mean having all the bases covered. I just like to feel secure and protected in anything. I make backup plans exactly like this one, and that's all it is, a "just-in-case" plan, in virtually everything I do. Maybe a relationship is the one place where I shouldn't behave this way, but I just do. I trust her completely. I'm not at all worried that she's going to cheat on me, but no one here can argue that anything is always possible, and in the highly unlikely event that that occurs, I would desperately want to know,immediately. That's all I'm saying.

Aside from that, your success story I really appreciate. It makes me feel much more comfortable to hear something like that and I thank you.
"We each have a star, all we have to do is find it. Once you do, everyone who sees it will be blinded." - Earl Simmons
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Old 07-26-2004, 07:19 PM   #10 (permalink)
Location: Deep South
Crow PM with an AIM or MSN Screen name, I'll chat with you about your situation, Im probably best suited, I had the same situation about 2 years ago when I was in KNoxville..
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Old 07-26-2004, 07:36 PM   #11 (permalink)
I say go ahead and try it. I think distance is a great test of a relationship. I tried it with my high school boyfriend and after being on again off again we finally broke up my sophomore year. (we were super tight in high school, not on and off until I went to college and he was still in high school). However I married the guy I dated from two hours away in college.
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Old 07-26-2004, 07:52 PM   #12 (permalink)
Location: Seattle, WA
From your post I don't think you're mature enough for a serious commited relationship anyway. Anyone who has to check up on their girl with their entire town needs to grow up some more before they are ready to commit seriously.
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Old 07-27-2004, 04:47 AM   #13 (permalink)
Location: South Africa
In a distance relationship now. I do think that you guys should give it a year or so coll off period. It would be different if you've been to college before but new college, new people. This has almost nothing to do with sex, you might meet someone who's better suited to you. If not, odds are that she might wait for you. I guess its all about risks, innit.
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Old 07-27-2004, 06:26 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Location: Fortress of Solitude
Not to bash here.

being in check/ covering all the bases/your nature.

all these lead to the same thing you really don't trust her.

You can't say you do if you feel that covering your bases by knowing all about her movements to put YOUR mind at ease is trust.

Trust is not having a safety net. Its not carring where your friends see your g/f or with whom she is with. Its knowing that in any situation you know it won't matter because you do TURST her.

And no I do understand what you are saying because I have been there. And its not something that gets better with time unless you do learn what trust is before you loose what it is you want.
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Old 07-28-2004, 05:14 PM   #15 (permalink)
Location: San Diego
I'd have to agree with the general concensus here.

Perhaps you're misunderstanding what people here are getting at.

The fact that you habitually generate these contingency plans like this does not mean there is no sentiment behind them. What the case seeems to be is that you are a naturally distrustful person. Keep in mind that isn't necessarily a negative thing. I am the same way. Only trusting something when you have a contingency plan in place IS distrust. It is exactly as was said before here, trust is when there is no safety net AND regardless you aren't worried.

I'm the same way as you in respect to the incessant backup plans.

You NEED trust before anything else in a relationship. There is no way around this. A fundamental lack of trust in any relationship will constantly erode its base.

I would seriously reexamine your stance to your girl friend.
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Old 07-28-2004, 06:49 PM   #16 (permalink)
Location: Amish-land, PA
What I don't understand is your total disregard for having fun and enjoying life. Now, you're worried about wasting a "for sure" thing. It's highly doubtful that it'll be a for sure thing. Trust me, it's incredibly likely that, even if you're happy with the relationship, your girlfriend will one day get bored, or find someone else, or just do something that will hurt you, and very possibly will end the relationship. Living like a monk for four years, regretting all the possible good times you could have had - just over some girl - does not seem like a positive way to live your life. Now, I'm not saying that you two have to break up, I just think that you need to be a little more realistic about all of this.

When I graduated high school, I had been dating a girl for nearly the entire 4 years. I absolutely loved her, and felt that I had never had someone so important in my life. Then she went on a trip abroad. Came back, and said that she was now with one of the boys that she went on the trip with. 'Um, okay...could you have prepared me a little better for this?' Anyway, a few weeks later I called a good friend of mine, just in order to have someone to hang out with. She was a year younger than me, and after our first date, I absolutely fell for her. However, we were still cognicent of the fact that I was leaving in a month (and one of those weeks she was on vacation). This didn't diminish the fun times we had together - or the connection that we made - but we both accepted that something couldn't really form here. She's still in my life, even after all these years (first girl: well, she still calls, but I don't care), but I went off to school with a clear, open, and very happy heart. Life was wonderful, especially my first year.

What I'm trying to say is that you have backed yourself into a corner. I've lived a life that was full of many different women, and many different relationships, and I'll tell you - happiness is almost always attainable, regardless of who you're with. If you truly enjoy where you are, then it doesn't matter who the girl is. You should live your life for you, not for her. Don't lock yourself into something that seems "for sure" just because it's there. You're sectioning yourself off from thousands of other, more wonderous experiences in the world. Trust me - if you go through college with giving your all to this girl - without experiencing others in life - then the day that she finally leaves you will be devastating. Even if she stays with you, you will always wonder 'what if...'. You can convince yourself otherwise, but human nature being what it is, those questions will be there.

Put your relationship on hold, and see what the first year is like. Don't hold back just becase of her.
"I've made only one mistake in my life. But I made it over and over and over. That was saying 'yes' when I meant 'no'. Forgive me."
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Old 07-28-2004, 07:46 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Location: Vol Country
Well as far as everything that's been said about the trust issue, I guess I'll just accept what you guys are saying. I personally just view it not as a trust issue, but a paranoia issue. I just worry, but not about relationships and other people, just everything. I think too much, I guess. But I mean I can definitely see where all of you are coming from, but I still just don't see it that way. I don't think that anything bad is going to happen, I really don't. I KNOW that she's NOT going to cheat on me. I wish I had never mentioned my little plan now, because it's really not that big of an issue. It's the smallest qualm I have with the long distance relationship. It really is. It's been blown way out of proportion. The only reason I mentioned it was to keep the "she'll probably fuck around on you" posts from occurring, because I felt that they were unneccesary and unhelpful. But that's OK, I appreciate everyone's concern.

What I'm truly worried about is that we'll just drift apart. I think it could just happen. I think that oftentimes it's exactly what does happen. But I mean please understand, this girl is convinced that she wants to be with me. She has already made up her mind to skip her Junior year and graduate this year to be with me.

Now, I told her to please not do that for me, because I don't want her to make such a huge decision like that, when she could very well regret later. But she claims it's not for me, that it's something she wants to do. So that's fine. What I'm getting at is, I'm probably just young and naive, but I feel like this is really something special. I'm not at all worried about "missing out", I just don't buy into that whole concept. I'm going to college with three of my best friends, and we will have fun, and we will do so without me doing anything to jeopardize my relationship.
"We each have a star, all we have to do is find it. Once you do, everyone who sees it will be blinded." - Earl Simmons
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Old 07-28-2004, 09:16 PM   #18 (permalink)
Location: San Diego
Trust and paranoia issues aside, a long distance relationship is not easy at all. Neither is your first semester at college. When I first hit the dorms I felt that the issue with being out of the house for the first time was exaggerated. It simply wasn't this great terrible mess it was made up to be. However, I did appreciate my parents' company more as a result. You're in a good situation since you have your 3 best friends going with you. Friends are absolutely the best support for this sort of thing. You might want to make it clear between the four of you that the experience may become hard for you in ways you can't predict and that you guys will need to stick with each other. Another consideration is the kind of school you are going to and your training as a student. Have you taken many rigorous courses in high school? Do you have your study skills down pat? For me, I had no study skills upon entering college. The greatest learning for me was about myself and specifically how I learn. Thats what I mean by study skills. If you dont know how to teach yourself the subject matter, you will have to learn sooner or later and it takes time. Is your college a quarter or semester system? Big difference in the pacing of your studies.

I'm bringing all this up because its a bunch to handle on top of a relationship. Doubly so if you and your girl run into some chop.

Regarding your girl friend leaving high school early. Its not necessarily a bad thing, but like you mentioned the reason she does it is very important. I left highschool after I finished 10th grade because I was just spining my wheels. It was a small town high school, so had I been in a larger city with more options in school it could have been different. Either way the whole high school experience was just dragging me down and by the end of 10th grade I had solid D grades across the board. Very unlike me, I should say. What should worry you and others about your girl leaving high school early is that she will essentially give up one year of the 'childhood' (well, not exactly childhood...but you understand me, no?). Put simply, everyone needs a certain amount of time to fuck around. You don't to try and get serious before you've gotten your fill.

This is all that comes to me now. If this seems a bit long winded, I just hope that what I wrote will make you examine some aspects that didn't occur to you before.
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Old 07-29-2004, 07:03 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Location: exploring my new home in SF
Devils advocate (if not already been said)

I was with someone who came home every weekend and then when she was commuting I went home every weekend for three of my four years of college. While I do not regret the decisions made or the time spent, looking back (we are now not together) there were many things that I did not participate in that I would have really enjoyed. There are people I could have been better friends with that I didn't. I could go on, but I think you get the point.

I do not regret my first three years of college but I know that if we had not been together it would have been much different. Now that we are not together it was hard to make good friends in my final year when most of them had friends from the previous three/four years.

Keep not only the benefits of your relationship and what you love about it in mind but also what would happen if/when you break up.

You will be in a completely different enviroment then she is, and there will be a lot of tension. I wish you luck and feel free to PM me if you want to discuss it further.
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Old 07-29-2004, 07:35 AM   #20 (permalink)
Location: Starkvegas
Things change when you go to college, because of this, you change as well. You'll become a different person, if you want to or not. Priorities get shifted and things that were important to you before become trivial and things that were unimportant before become the most important.

Because of all this, you may find that you and your SO are no longer suited for each other, I've seen it many times among my friends. It's not impossible to transfer a relationship from HS to college, but it is very difficult.

I say try to keep the relaitonship going. Because it is long distance I don't think you'll miss out on making new friends in college. But be mindful of how the relationship is growing. If you and your SO are still going strong after a while, great for you, if things become stale, time to let her go.
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Old 07-29-2004, 05:55 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Location: Vol Country
I just want to thank you last three posters. Your responses are the type I was looking for when I first created this thread. They are very helpful, and I am going to try and make this work. I'm just worried about it, and I was looking for support and advice. As previously stated, that whole trust thing got blown way out of proportion. It's the furthest thing from my mind as far as this whole situation is concerned.
"We each have a star, all we have to do is find it. Once you do, everyone who sees it will be blinded." - Earl Simmons
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Old 07-29-2004, 09:24 PM   #22 (permalink)
Location: San Diego
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