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Old 05-12-2003, 09:59 PM   #1 (permalink)
Junkie
 
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Location: San Francisco
I don't want to be with her, but I still become jealous!

I recently broke up with a great girlfriend for around 2.5 years and it's been pretty rough. You see, I was her first real boyfriend and while she was quite natural with everything, the breakup process was pretty bad because she just kind of drifted away rather than laying everything on the table. While she did initiate the recent breakup, semi against my likings, I have been "through" with her many in the past and am not really interested in her any more. Today, we still talk a lot as we became extremely good friends throughout our relationship, and many of our friends still think we're still together (minus the intimacy) from the way we are with eachother. She calls me when she's bored, and I think about her a few times a day.
So why do I get extremely jealous when I find out that shes been messing around with another guy (after the initial anger from finding out through friends, not from her...)? Like I said, I'm really not trying to get back together with her, but do miss her sometimes, not being with her but just that old, extremely long-gone feeling, however I still get jealous. I'm guessing it's because I still have attachments deep down, but how am I to deal with these? The only thing I can think of is time apart which is a hard thought but I actually already initiated this a few weeks back. Any advice? I'm not looking to blow her off, and we've already talked about our relationship hundreds of times. We both know whats up and are very much so on the same level, however I still get jealous. I know that she would too, but just not as much. It's rough
night
-tim
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Old 05-13-2003, 12:42 AM   #2 (permalink)
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I think it's normal. I still feel that way on occasion about my last girlfriend, although I am mostly just happy for her now. I know she still feels jealous about me, and we have been apart for almost a year now.

My jealously went away almost entirely after I got another girlfriend.
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Old 05-13-2003, 04:37 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Let it go, do what you need, move on.

You're jealous because you still care.
Maybe you need to focus your attentions & time on other ladies for awhile.

Then after a bit, come back to your friendship with her.
If it's strong it will survive.
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Old 05-13-2003, 06:11 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Dude, I'm in the same position. Its helped a lot to find a new lady friend, but it still hurts on occasion. Move on is the only thing to do.
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Old 05-13-2003, 08:17 AM   #5 (permalink)
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the worst part is if the sex was heat. its always harder to put those ones out of your head. and the only real cure for that is to find a girl who fucks you even better than the previous one. if you do...you'll move on alot faster.
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Old 05-13-2003, 08:24 AM   #6 (permalink)
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eh... it's just what it is.. heck.... when you love someone you just don't turn it off like a faucet.. you will always love them, and sometimes some nostalgic memory will remind you of her.. and you'll miss her. and sometimes, you don't.

don't worry. time heals all.
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Old 05-13-2003, 09:02 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Location: San Francisco
Quote:
Originally posted by Cynthetiq
eh... it's just what it is.. heck.... when you love someone you just don't turn it off like a faucet.. you will always love them, and sometimes some nostalgic memory will remind you of her.. and you'll miss her. and sometimes, you don't.

don't worry. time heals all.

Thanks guys. Yeah I know that time will heal everything, but I'm wondering what to do with my spare time that I've got now. Sure I'll look for another girl, but I almost even need time before that. I got together with one of my old "booty call" good girl friends and we messed around a little and I'm still at the point where I was wishing it was my ex
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Old 05-13-2003, 02:48 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Location: Miami, FL
There's nothing like getting over the last one then the NEXT one.

That said, give yourself a little time to heal before you jump into the next girl. You said you were her first boyfriend? Was she your first girlfriend too?? My first breakup was really hard too. You've got to stay away from your exgirlfriend. Stay away from her friends. Don't ask your friends about her, don't try to communicate with her. Maybe later down the road you'll become friends again, but for now, she'll only cause you heartache (trust me).

Listen to some good music, do things that you couldn't do before with her. YOU'RE FREE. Go have fun with your friends, go out to parties, work on some fun projects around the house that you've been wanting to do for a long time. Just do stuff that keeps your mind occupied so you don't dwell on your pain.

The first one is always the hardest, but soon, you'll become a relationship pro and "moving on" from your next girlfriends will be much easier!
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Old 05-13-2003, 04:27 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Location: San Francisco
Quote:
Originally posted by davidc209
There's nothing like getting over the last one then the NEXT one.

That said, give yourself a little time to heal before you jump into the next girl. You said you were her first boyfriend? Was she your first girlfriend too?? My first breakup was really hard too. You've got to stay away from your exgirlfriend. Stay away from her friends. Don't ask your friends about her, don't try to communicate with her. Maybe later down the road you'll become friends again, but for now, she'll only cause you heartache (trust me).

Listen to some good music, do things that you couldn't do before with her. YOU'RE FREE. Go have fun with your friends, go out to parties, work on some fun projects around the house that you've been wanting to do for a long time. Just do stuff that keeps your mind occupied so you don't dwell on your pain.

The first one is always the hardest, but soon, you'll become a relationship pro and "moving on" from your next girlfriends will be much easier!
Great advice, I appreciate it. Sometimes it's the obvious stuff like finding something to do that will help such a rough problem. And no, this isn't my first relationship, I've had plenty of experience in the past. The hard thing is that we became such good friends and actually were more like good friends w/ benefits rather than going out for the 2+ years. Now she really has become good friends with all of the people I introduced her to so I'm always running into her and she still calls me wondering "whats goin on toinght" and all. I had her remove my number from her cell phone a few weeks back so that she would call me less, however we're still attached. It's odd.
Luckily it's getting better. Thx for the advice and comfort all.
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Old 05-13-2003, 10:25 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I went through this, and I can tell you it will sting for a little while, but it will fade eventually. It stings because you once considered her "yours" and someone is encroaching on what was once your territory. You still feel somewhat attached, and this is ok... just don't let it make you think you want to be back with her, that would be a mistake, and not really how you feel. Good luck!
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Old 05-13-2003, 11:14 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Location: San Francisco
It's so funny how territorial we might become while we are almost completely against the idea in our normal lives. I've helped so many friends get through obnoxious, angry jealous stages of break-ups. Now I guess it's my turn. It's just rough because she's still messing with me with her phone calls and cuteness. Guess we're all just animals in the end. Might as well try to be the rational one
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Old 05-14-2003, 03:18 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Location: This side of heaven.
Take 2:

I tihnk it's not just jealousy. It's also a feeling that you don't have someone. That somehow if they can go out and get someone else and you can't, that there is something wrong with you. It makes you feel as though you shouldn't have left. That, she was worth more than you realized, that you had something that you shouldn't have given up.

The Truth: She's only not telling you about her escapades because she doesn't want you to feel this way. So it's not her fault. There is nothing wrong with you. Get back on the horse. I just got out of a 3-4 year relationship and my rebound happened in the nick of time (Right when my ex fucked 2 of my best friends then had a threesome with my current room-mate and my other friends dream girl, (but that's another story, sorry for the bitter moment)) I dated her for a few weeks, and it didn't work out, but it gave me the confidence I needed to get through the situation. Be carefull with rebounds though... they're tricky. I wish I had all the answers for that one, but I don't.

You're a good guy. you care about her and it seems like she cares about you. I suggest you start meeting new people. You don't need to cut connections, just find new people. It's always good to make new friends anyway. And when you find another someone that means something to you, it'll help, and if you don't, you'll still be good because you'll have new friends. Good luck, and happy hunting! : )
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Old 05-14-2003, 03:51 PM   #13 (permalink)
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let it go. find yourself and let the past alone. If you dont, that way lies madness
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Old 05-14-2003, 08:09 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Location: Baltimore
I've never been able to talk to my ex's right after we break up. My personal view on things is that you can't just shut love off because it's no longer convenient for you. Your choices are a.) Find something to occupy your time that doesn't involve the chick, or b.) let those feelings translate into something else, which typically isn't healthy. Love takes time to fade, but it can turn into hate almost overnight.

The only advice I would give you is this, if you're still talking to her, let her know that while you do want to remain friends, it's tough for you to have daily interaction with her right now. If she's really that good of a friend, she'll back off and give you your space while you get your head straight.

That's when you realize that not knowing anything about her life is a heck of a lot harder to deal with than knowing too much.
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Old 05-15-2003, 08:14 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Location: San Francisco
Thanks again guys, all the comments really do help. As of now, we've been doing pretty well with keeping apart, and happily at that. Although "andy" has been out of town so who knows what it'l be like later
Either way, space is for sure the key here. The funny thing is that the less I call her, the more she calls me wondering where I've been....ah hah! The prophecy is true! (keep in mind that she was the one to end us recently, but still acts like she wants to be together... )
Lol, wish me luck
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Old 05-15-2003, 08:17 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Even though moving on can be the hardest thing to do, its the best thing to do. I would recommend just taking some time away, meeting some new people, hanging out with others more. Get your mind off her for awhile. Then, go back to being friends with her.
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Old 05-19-2003, 10:12 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Location: San Francisco
well I guess stuff is slowly developing. I find myself not wanting to return her calls, and doing so genuinely, not just for impact. Also, when we do talk, I'm starting to realize how much of a bore she can be and that I let myself go through so much time just kind of being her slave and letting her treat me with such little respect and effort.
Good stuff. kinda hard, but good none the less. on top of that, some good buddies just returned home from college for the summer. looks like the tides are a changin!
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Old 05-31-2003, 12:33 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Location: San Francisco
doubt anyone is still following this exciting thead but I managed to get sad again tonight. she just brought up that when I was on a trip to oregon, her buddy spent the night. Well she's still leading me on, but she did make it clear that they were going to be seeing eachother more. But come the fuck on, I never once was allowed to spend the night in well over two years. yes, it seems small, but I say fuck it
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Old 06-01-2003, 11:19 AM   #19 (permalink)
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You're jeleous because she's getting some and YOU'RE NOT?!?

Solution: Get you some

Why is that the solution? If you get you some, that will surely take your mind off of <i>her</i> getting herself some. Then there will be a balance. Maybe you'll think about her everynow and then, but your mind will be too focused on your new vixen to pay your old flame much attention.
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Old 06-01-2003, 05:37 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Location: San Francisco
Quote:
Originally posted by sub zero
You're jeleous because she's getting some and YOU'RE NOT?!?

Solution: Get you some

Why is that the solution? If you get you some, that will surely take your mind off of <i>her</i> getting herself some. Then there will be a balance. Maybe you'll think about her everynow and then, but your mind will be too focused on your new vixen to pay your old flame much attention.
]

very simple, but very true. I just called up a girl from SF that I met at a party a while back. really nice and not too hyper or psycho. I felt better than I have in a while when we spoke. Right now I just need to make it through the night. she just moved into her apartment and her booty call blue collar new guy is going over. Think a night of Halo with some buddies will maybe cure that...
thx guys. girls suck!
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