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Old 05-13-2003, 10:28 AM   #1 (permalink)
Looks or Personality....?

Hey everybody, this is my first time posting to any forum so here goes. I recently broke up with a girl who I've been involved in a quasi-relationship with for al ittle over two years. She was my best friend, perfect in every way, personality wise, but she just wasn't as attractive as my previous girlfriends, and I always felt I could attract a much more attractive woman. The damned thing of it is I've never met a really attractive woman who is even close to being as fun as my ex. I broke it off with her despite her pleading, (this was the second time I did this) I'm pretty sure that relationship is dead for good, but now I feel like I'm wising up to the fact that appearances are fleeting and not as important as finding that girl who can be your best friend and lover. So what's the deal did I blow it? Could I be happy without the looks? Or am I doomed for a life of misery?

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Old 05-13-2003, 10:32 AM   #2 (permalink)
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the most attractive and beautiful women IMHO are those that are beautiful on the inside first...

my wife isn't any model, but she's beautiful to me nonetheless. besides as you grow old together looks change.... hearts and character don't
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Old 05-13-2003, 10:41 AM   #3 (permalink)
Location: Massachusetts, USA
Sounds like you're already having second thoughts. I can say this, but only about myself: looks matter, but maybe not as much as you think.
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Old 05-13-2003, 12:37 PM   #4 (permalink)
Location: South of the border
You need to have the right balance of looks and personality. Its no good for a girl to be hella nice, but to look as if she was beaten by an ugly stick. But its no better to have a gorgeous girl who's as smart as your average chimp.

In my case, I tend to go with girls who have better personalities than looks. (like 60-65% personality, 35-40% looks).

I can relate to your situation because it happened to me (kinda). Im dating my best friend, she's great, she might not be the prettiest (she is v. beautiful nonetheless), but with her combination of looks and personality, she is perfect for me. And im so happy to be with her, because we are much more than just a couple, we are best friends, and I feel that that adds something very specail to the relationship.
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Old 05-13-2003, 04:29 PM   #5 (permalink)
personality is definately important, but if the looks dont get me going, then you're on to a loser from day one for me....
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Old 05-13-2003, 11:54 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Location: North Carolina
I broke up with my last girlfriend (who lived with me for two years) by asking her: "Do you think we are anything more than best friends and lovers?" She just hugged me and started to cry.
I think that having a friend for a lover is very important, but there also has to be passion. That was what we lacked, and it killed our relationship. We are still friends however.

Trust me when I tell you that you do not want a girl who is just your best friend and lover. That is not enough. Attraction is possibly the key to any relationship. You need to be attracted to your partner. By their looks, and their personality.
"Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery." - Winston Churchill

"All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act out their dream with open eyes, to make it possible." Seven Pillars of Wisdom, T.E. Lawrence
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Old 05-14-2003, 12:08 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Location: Auckland, New Zealand
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. No matter what she looks like, if you find her beautiful isn't that what matters?

She might not be the most attractive girl by other peoples standards, but do you personally find her attractive?

There are really cute girls out there with really awesome personalities. Just keep looking!
flux (n.)
Medicine. The discharge of large quantities of fluid material from the body, especially the discharge of watery feces from the intestines.
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Old 05-14-2003, 01:03 AM   #8 (permalink)
Still searching...
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Location: NorCal For Life
Looks are usually what sets someone apart from the crowd. initially, we use looks to locate a person we want to find out more about. Perhaps looks are not all that important in teh long run, but if you cannot get over looks, then you probably never will. I will not anytime soon at least.
"Only two things are certain: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not certain about the universe."
-- Albert Einstein
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Old 05-14-2003, 01:05 AM   #9 (permalink)
Location: San Francisco
My new boyfriend is a short, balding, rotund, hairy son of a bitch. He's also the most passionate lover, friend and confidant I've ever had. I always thought I'd be with the perfect gorgeous man- and I've had them- but this one makes me laugh.

We told my parents today that we're planning on getting married- it has NOTHING to do with the superficial "I look too good to be with this person" and if that's what it means for you, the examination needs to be of yoruself, and why you'd think it's so important to impress the outward world, and not impress what's in your heart.

No offense, but leaving her because you think you can attract a "better looking" girl screams to me that you're shallow, or that you just weren't attracted to this girl in particular and are looking for validation here.
Cute, but useless.
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Old 05-14-2003, 03:28 AM   #10 (permalink)
Location: This side of heaven.
I'm an aestheticist by nature... I love beauty. However, I think I've been blessed with the ability to find beauty in almost every person I've found. I've dated all shapes, and sizes, in my (very) limited experience, and they were all beautiful. None of them were supermodels, I think one of them really turned heads, but I still thought they were beautiful in their own way. I'm not being cheesy, it's true... I even hate some of them now, so I'm not just saying that to be nice. I still can find beauty in them all. And they all had unique and wonderful personalities. (I do however wonder now about my choices in personality back then, but that get's credited to my perception sharpening and my tastes developing for personality) I feel as though you need to be physically attracted to someone to make the relationship work. Shallow, but true. ::shrug:: it's a tough question, but that's my take on it, and my experiences with it for all that's worth.
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Old 05-14-2003, 03:51 AM   #11 (permalink)
I am living with my bf who is an absolute eye candy. EVERY friend I have flirt with him and I don't dobt they'd sleep with him if they could. But people know he's selfloving bastard, even though he's a fun friend. So, no sane woman tries to rob him from me.

If your ex is still your friend, she will most likely be a pal for your future gf and one day they are going to have a chat about stuff.. A good thing is that people who look good and know it are usually shallow the same way that they can match well and they think they are the happies couple in the world cos people tell 'em they look handsome. Then the reality kicks in, they turn 40 and file for divorce cos passion has died out and looks are gone.

Real passion-passion can last only for a few years. Been there, done that, repeated the same error of thinking there should be something Larger Than Life. I have two times met the Man Of My Life and then had to face the fact that you first fall in love with all the dreams of future together that person inspires and when they don't come true, you either keep on dreaming and change the playaers in that act or get in touch with reality and start WORKING to make relationship happen. Greg, there will be times when you are going to miss your ex terribly and she prolly knows it.
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Old 05-14-2003, 04:03 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Location: An Aussie Outback
I usually see that most people end up wiht are there best girl friends.

"You don't love her because she's beautiful, she's beautiful because you love her"

Sounds like you were abit selfish dude.. no offence..
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Old 05-14-2003, 04:16 AM   #13 (permalink)
Location: central USA
Originally posted by Greg700
I think that having a friend for a lover is very important, but there also has to be passion. That was what we lacked, and it killed our relationship.
i agree with this statement for the most part... but i'd like to add an additional thought...

in EVERY relationship... passion levels have their highs and lows. yes, the initial "chemistry" needs to be present (my personal opinion)... but keep in mind that the mind blowing, all consuming, heart fluttering, spine-tingling flames of passion will sooner or later always burn down to a nice warm "ember" now and again.

real life... children... family... day-to-day stresses... sickness... and plain old relationship ups and downs will effect your passion level. and even the MOST ATTRACTIVE person ages... has good and bad days... might gain weight, lose weight... you never know.

I guess my not so obvious point here it this...

If there is chemistry... and you truly care for and enjoy being with the person... if the person feeds your heart and soul... looks are something that in the long run... end up meaning less than most of us think.

food for thought... *soft smile*
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Old 05-14-2003, 01:31 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Location: Up yonder
I think that 99% initial attraction to someone is based on appearance but that's not the basis for loving someone. You love a person for what is on the inside not the way they look. And let's be honest here people...we all grow old, we lose our looks eventually. If you marry someone for their looks alone then you will be sorely disappointed along the road....but a person you love for themselves...you'll be still just as happy when you are 90 years old and in your rocking chair. Just my opinion. I would be devasted if someone was with me just because I look good. How shallow! If you truly care for this girl then you shouldn't care if she's as pretty as your previous girlfriends. What should matter is how she makes you feel.
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Old 05-14-2003, 01:56 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Location: Finger on the little red button.
I think you've been pretty shallow dude.

On the other hand, I don't really trust anyone on this board who says they look past attraction to find out who someone really is. I've never really seen that happen in any relationship. Everyone is shallow, it all depends on the degree. Being more shallow than most, yours will be the small happiness of finding someone good looking instead of someone who really means something to you.

You need to decide if that's what makes you happy.
Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies.

Frederich Nietzsche

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Old 05-14-2003, 03:44 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Location: Youngstown, Ohio
personality. Looks fade, can be changed but personality lasts
Never try to teach a pig to whistle
it wastes your time,
and annoys the pig.....
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Old 05-14-2003, 11:42 PM   #17 (permalink)
If you just want good looks, just stay a bachelor. If you want to build a meaningful relationship, you need to have a connection on the inside.
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Old 05-14-2003, 11:42 PM   #18 (permalink)
Well, you all have offered some verry interesting opinions, this has been a tough time for me trying to get over the guilt of not being noble enough to transcend my superficial desires. Some of you accuse me of being shallow, and well I've thought that too, but when I'm with her and she tells me how much she loves me and yet my eye still wanders and I don't feel that passion, I feel as though I'm robbing her of a "true" love experience, it's like almost all of the ingredients are there except for one, and although it's almost perfect something just doesn't feel right, unfortunately she was the closest one yet and I'm scared that's as close as I'm going to get.........I hope I haven't been too naive in believing the whole package is out there, if that's true then I'm just another poor sap who dared to go for it all and failed miserably.
Thanks for all the comments, it helps to hear an objective point of view. It's too late to fix things with her though, she doesn't want any contact and that hurts, but I guess I'll have to accept that and who knows maybe we'll fix things in the future when looks really don't matter anymore, and I've learned to transcend physical desire.
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Old 05-15-2003, 09:42 AM   #19 (permalink)

We don't know you IRL and so it is easy to talk about ideals and judge you. Yeah, you can't be with someone if your heart ain't in it. If you truely feel she's not pretty enough, it will knaw you. BUT try asking yourself would you get a better looking girlfriend and do you actually want to be with a person who is like that cos she will be awaiting the same from you. So you gotta stay fit and have nice clothes all the time and stuff.

Unlike many poeple seem to think, I feel that any person can be beautiful, no matter the gae. I compare people to same aged people and not to a 18-years old! One day I stopped in the street to look at a 80-year old or so lady that I felt looked really happy and cute and fit for her age. Try n' start seeing the beauty differently than what MTV stuffs down your throat!
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Old 05-15-2003, 09:58 AM   #20 (permalink)
Location: central USA
Originally posted by suviko
Try n' start seeing the beauty differently than what MTV stuffs down your throat!
isn't that the truth...

i do think... that most of us... as we age... begin to "see beauty" in a different light...

and while we all talk about the need to re-evaluate our standards of beauty... i would like to add that if the desire isn't there in the beginning... it probably won't be.

there are plenty of very attractive people i've met, where the "spark" just wasn't there... so beautiful or not... there is something to be said for that magical chemistry that makes our hearts flutter...
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Old 05-15-2003, 10:18 AM   #21 (permalink)
Looks. If I want personality I'll talk to my local transsexual.
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