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Old 08-22-2004, 08:58 PM   #1 (permalink)
Location: New Orleans
friend or boyfriend?

I've been reading on this forum for awhile, but I've never posted before. So here goes:

I go to college out of state from where I grew up. This past semester I met this great guy. We were flirting a lot...a lot. We made a bunch of sexual jokes and I was having a great time with it.

I came home for the summer. He called me a bunch and we started talking more. I learned that he's kinda enjoying being single and not looking for anything serious, but I explained to him that I am actually feeling ready to date. It wasn't like a big serious gut spill or anything. It just kinda came up in conversation. Through all of our talking we've gotten pretty close. He gave me the link to his online journal, which no one knows about, so I feel like he trusts me. And he confided in me when one of his best friends passed away.

I really liked where things went. We're friends and I felt like I could like that better than being in a relationship with him. Until, it sounds stupid, but I had a sexual dream about him and that dragged up all those previous feelings of attraction.

He called me one morning about two weeks ago to tell me that he thinks I'm amazing and that I put every other girl he meets to shame. He said he could see marrying me but not dating me. It was all very sweet and I really apprecaited him saying it, but it's kinda confusing too.

He drove into town earlier this week to get away for a few days and to visit me and several other friends. He stayed the first night with me. We had fun. We got some dinner and we drove around and we got a little flirty. He brought the whole marraige but not dating thing up again and also said that he wouldn't want to be my first (I'm a virgin) because he's "kind of an asshole." What the hell does that mean? Anyway so later that night at my house I was giving him a backrub (at his request) and we got a little cuddly. And then he kissed me. It was a really sweet moment, and I was totally shaking. But things stopped before it got weird. I'm just confused because I feel like his words and his actions contradict.

Anyway, so I've barely talked to him since that night and not at all about the kissing. Granted he was still visiting people and stuff, and he's getting ready to move into a new apartment. I have a lot of very complex feelings for him. I've never really felt this way about a guy before, as stupid as that sounds. I would love to be in a relationship with him, but I also would hate to lose him as a friend.

I'm debating whether or not to bring up the kissing incident and tell him how I feel. I don't want to come across as desperate or needy or anything. And I want him to be happy whatever the outcome is. So how do I bring it up in a way that I can open up the way for a relationship but that also leaves things so we can keep the friendship?
shleynrd is offline  
Old 08-22-2004, 09:06 PM   #2 (permalink)
Location: Swooping down on you from above....
How old are you? I'm guessing that you're pretty young seeing that you were shaking when he just kissed you. Is he your first (potential) boyfriend? I'm getting the butterflies in the stomach feeling from your post. We all get it when we first start relationships and sometimes we have to stop and think while all these feeling are going on. Mabye he just doesn't want to hurt you when he says that he doesn't want to be your first becasue he's an "asshole." Mabye you should just take a breather and try to figure out what he's really trying to tell you when he's being distant.
Flyguy is offline  
Old 08-22-2004, 09:48 PM   #3 (permalink)
Location: New Orleans
I'm turning 20 tomorrow...well technically today. I've had other potential guys before, but if I had known there were people on the planet like this guy then I would have saved my energy and tears.
shleynrd is offline  
Old 08-22-2004, 09:54 PM   #4 (permalink)
Oh shit it's Wayne Brady!
CityOfAngels's Avatar
Location: Passenger seat of Wayne Brady's car.
Ah, this is the "This girl is too pure to to touch" type of guy. He knows he wants to get into your pants, but given that that's probably all he wants (at this time), he KNOWS he'll feel guilty about it because he has some sort of care for you. You should feel complimented yet insulted at the same time; complimented because he places you higher than any other girl he knows, yet insulted because he's pretty much saying he's not willing to try a normal relationship, not even with you.
All in all, don't take either personally. Sure he places you high on his 'tier of women', but look, if he just wants to hit it, then that's what he wants. Also, sure he may be insulting you, but it's not really his fault. He's not ready to settle down. Maybe he had a previous relationship where he was ready to settle down, but the girl wasn't? Maybe he doesn't want to feel that hurt again, and feels that he just wants to have his fun while he's young. Let him have his fun, but don't let him keep you from having yours. I'm sure that if he REALLY likes you, he'll snatch you up before anyone else does. If he doesn't, well, then he's not really worth the heartache.
I wish you (and him) luck.
CityOfAngels is offline  
Old 08-22-2004, 11:46 PM   #5 (permalink)
Mantus's Avatar
Hey shleynrd,

Happy Birthday!

About the whole “I don’t want to date thing”. Obviously he is interested in you but I think that he is honestly trying to be your friend. So when he says these things I believe he is trying to get across the point that if you don’t want to date him then that is okay with him because he still wants your friendship. That's just a guess, it's how I would be thinking if I were saying things like that.

Anyways, if you want to date him then I would give him some encouragement. I think he is worried about losing you which that can scare the shit out of a guy and keep him from asking you out.

Good luck.
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Old 08-23-2004, 08:56 AM   #6 (permalink)
Cautiously soaring
ruggerp11's Avatar
Location: exploring my new home in SF
I agree with whats said. I am not ready or willing to have a relationship right now and I would be blunt with the girl. He is so far being honest with you. I also wouldn't want to be your first because of not wanting to have a relationship. I understand his thinking and I also understand that it's not easy to do. It sucks that you are both kind of in limbo but at least he has you in mind and respects you enough not to just be your first and leave. He thinks hes an asshole because he really wants you but knows that he (not wanting a relationship) shouldnt' be your first. Just MHO!
Patriotism means being loyal to your country all the time and to its government when it deserves it.
--Mark Twain
Do What makes you happy
"Happiness is the absence of the striving for happiness" - Chuang-Tzu
ruggerp11 is offline  
Old 08-23-2004, 05:43 PM   #7 (permalink)
When I was in college I was in this position so many times! You get close to a guy, you start to develop feelings for him. He feels physically attracted to you, you both love to hang out. Then something happens cuz you started out just goofing around and now your making out. I usually went the wrong route and slept with him. Then we would do it a few more times and then never talk to eachother anymore. My advice would be to stick to the friends thing. He's made it pretty obvious that's what he wants. And try to avoid those moments when your both alone and someone wants something rubbed. Keep it to more social outings till you both feel a little cooled off. (hard to do in college)
RainbowBright is offline  
Old 08-23-2004, 08:35 PM   #8 (permalink)
Seaver's Avatar
Location: Fort Worth, TX
Coming from a guy, I would be VERY wary about getting too close to this guy. Women dont understand, if a guy says he's an asshole, 99% chance that he's telling the truth.

He sounds like me a few years ago. Was in a non-serious relationship with a girl who was a virgin. At least it was non-serious with me, she had wanted to wait till marriage and suddenly she was starting to question that. I told her like your guy that I was an asshole (at the time I was), but she just shrugged it off like you are doing. For those of you that are wondering I broke it off before it became too serious to her, but as I said if a guy states it it's probably true.
Seaver is offline  
Old 08-23-2004, 09:15 PM   #9 (permalink)
Location: Wisconsin, eh?
I've seen this situation a lot. I've actually had the same kind of thing happen with a girl I know. She wanted to date, and I might have gone along with it if I didn't care so much for the girl. Sounds strange, but she is the kind of girl I want to marry, and I knew since we go to different schools it would never work, so we're still just friends.

About whether or not to tell him how you feel, I say: You must talk to him about it. If you truly are the friends you say you are, you'll both work something out. Let him know how you feel and find out how he feels, and let him know there are no strings attached. I agree with what Mantus said 100%, that you should let him know that dating you won't mean inevitably losing you.

I also suggest casual dating, where you get all the perks of a standard relationship, but you can also see other people. I have a friend who's a girl who was in your position, took that route, and is now much closer to a guy she really liked, and he feels the same about her, but he never originally wanted to commit to one girl.
jmad is offline  
Old 08-23-2004, 10:06 PM   #10 (permalink)
Location: BC, Canada
Your "friend" probaly wants to have sex with you but doesn't want to be your first sexual experience. He's smart enough to know the emotional baggage that comes with that; reminders that he was your "first" and conversations about that magical night for the rest of the time he knows you. Women tend to make this into a much bigger deal than it really is (not your fault since it's a script repeated for most of your young life).

Decide if you're going to remain a virgin until marriage or if you want to take the plunge with this guy. I'd suggest getting it over with now because sex is great fun at your age and not a taboo or something dirty. If so...

Tell him outright that you want to get the virgin thing over with and want to do it with someone who you trust but with no strings attached. If he was really an asshole he would've nailed you already, so chances are he'll be careful not to hurt you. MUCH better than a quickie by some drunk stranger in the back of a car for instance.

If he's not interested, you've got yourself a non-threatening gay male friend! He may not actually BE gay, but regarding the subject of YOU, he may as well be. Any young guy who passes on a chance like this is not going to touch you in the future. Sorry.
tiltedbc is offline  
Old 08-24-2004, 06:42 AM   #11 (permalink)
Seaver's Avatar
Location: Fort Worth, TX
Women tend to make this into a much bigger deal than it really is
It IS a really big deal, and this is coming from a guy.

Look if you believe it's a big deal dont let others tell you it's not. You dont want to look back and know that your first was with some douche. I waited till the perfect time, it didnt end up going perfectly but we were both ready and none of us felt pressured, and I am forever grateful that we didnt rush it.
Seaver is offline  
Old 08-24-2004, 09:17 AM   #12 (permalink)
Location: New Orleans
Thanx for all your advice. I go back to school on Friday and will probably see him soon enough. I think this will help.
shleynrd is offline  
Old 08-24-2004, 11:20 AM   #13 (permalink)
Location: Under the Radar
It may be an issue that this guy has had some past problems in the dating scene where he falls for a nice girl like you only to get dumped on his rear. He may want to date you as well, but is afraid of having his heart broken. So, his approach is to hang on to you in a relationship that is comfortable without the chance of getting dumped.

Communication is the key here, and take it very slow...at his pace.
Average_Joe is offline  

boyfriend, friend

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