What to do? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

mechanicman · 09-14-2004, 11:30 PM

I am so lost, and don't know what I should do. My gf and I got together about 3 and a half months ago. We spent everyday of the summer together (about 2 months) until I moved off to college. I stayed in-state, and am about a 3 hour drive from her. We really have feelings for each other so we decided to stay together and try to make it work out while I am in college. We talk on the phone everyday, for about 4-5 hours. She has told me she doesn't want to hang out with anyone, and she just wants to do her college hw and work. I on the other hand want to make the best of my time here, and go out and have some fun.

So here's the problem. I feel like I am living my life on the phone, and don't want to. I brought it up to her on Sat night and told her why I feel this way in a very calm manner (we have never fought or even raised our voices to each other) and we discussed it. But she thought I meant I have more important things to do than to talk to her, which is not the case. Ever since I brought this up on Saturday, we have fought every night. I enjoy talking to her, but also want to go out and have some fun while I am here. It's almost like she doesn't want me to have any fun here because she doesn't want to have fun at home, so she would rather me talk to her on the phone.

I try to talk to her about this, and we are able to discuss it, but then towards the end of the conversation we begin to fight. And neither of us like to fight (but who does?). I really don't want to lose her, but at the same time I don't want to sit in my dorm on the phone all the time, so I am looking to you guys for help.

BTW- we are one month apart age wise and we both started college this semester. I am at a university and she's at a communtiy college, so the "college lives" are different as well.

Thanks for the advice

bscox00 · 09-15-2004, 04:26 AM

Sounds to me like she's uncomfortable with you going out and maybe meeting someone else. You're wanting to live life while she's working her ass off.

I'm not trying to sound mean or insensitive or snobby, but I can see some people feeling somewhat bad about themselves because they are going to a community college. I'm not certain this is the case here, but it is a possibility.

However, if you are not able to find a common ground between working and playing, you two won't be together much longer. She will resent you for going out and you will resent her for making you stay in. It already sounds like this has started.

I dated a girl who was a law student while I was still in college. While I didn't party my ass off, I was able to go out a lot more than she was and she began to resent me.

Good luck finding a middle ground. Perhaps you could suggest that unless she relaxes a little, she will burn out very quickly.

I'm here for you, bro.

mechanicman · 09-15-2004, 07:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bscox00

I'm not trying to sound mean or insensitive or snobby, but I can see some people feeling somewhat bad about themselves because they are going to a community college. I'm not certain this is the case here, but it is a possibility.

However, if you are not able to find a common ground between working and playing, you two won't be together much longer. She will resent you for going out and you will resent her for making you stay in. It already sounds like this has started.

She actually chose the community college over the university in our hometown. She says she likes school, but doesn't feel like she needs to go out and have fun with friends. She says, "those people won't be there forever but what you learn in school will be, so why waste my time with them." I feel that is true with some people but I still want to go out and have some fun. Not everyone is going to become a best friend you'll talk to for the rest of your life. I really hope we can work this out, I don't want to lose her.

Thanks for the reply.

Pigtails · 09-15-2004, 07:07 AM

Yeah. she's probably in the back of her mind/not even aware that she is jealous that you can go out and have fun without her.

When you want to go out instead of talking on the phone to her (granted 4-5 hrs. is a hella long time) what she hears is "I'm not important/interesting/fun/liked enough for him to even want to talk to me." It does hurt to hear that someone prefers to go out instead of talking to you. Reverse the situation, you would probably feel the same.

I'm the same way sometimes with my bf. You know the old saying "Misery Loves Company" Of course that doesn't really help you out much with your problem.

What you need to do is set up some rules and limitations. Compromising is the key to keeping your relationship working.

You should keep your phone conversations to under an hour (you have homework to do also right?) I can't believe you both don't run out of stuff to say after awhile! Also if there are some days that either you or she is extremely busy, you should just mandate that as a no phone day, stressed out people are never very fun to talk to. You shouldn't have to force conversation and everyone needs some personal time.

If you want to go out, she would probably feel more at ease with it, if you told her when and where and who was going with you. Otherwise she'll just think the worst. (if she's anything like me!) Also I suggest not attending frat parties, strip clubs, etc. those type of places don't have a good reputation as being good clean fun and it will make her mad.

Also after you go out it never hurts to say "Did you know out of all the people there, that you were hotter than all of them? Man I'm glad we are dating."
Also tell her about what happened wherever you went like "This reminded me of you" or "I thought you would think that was funny" So she gets the idea that even when you go out without her you are still thinking of her. Girls like to hear that and be reaffirmed of our status as the GF, but please be honest in saying it!

You can also take her out to the places you go. Like if you want to go out with some friends, say "Next time I see you I'll introduce you to them or they know all about you." Or if you go to a club or out else where, say "I went to this awesome club and I want to go with you next time because I think you might like it."

Then she won't feel left out while your doing stuff because she'll either know the people your hanging out with or know the type of place your going to. Even if she doesn't want to or can't go, you cannot be accused of excluding her from your social life.

You have to make an effort and if she still has a problem with you going out she might be a little too possessive and you might want to reconsider your options. Sorry to be so wordy but I hope this helps you out. I've had the same situation with me and my bf

bscox00 · 09-15-2004, 07:09 AM

Okay, I hope I didn't offend you with the CC remark. I just know people who start at a CC to get their grades up enough to go to a University.

The thing is, though, that the friends you make in college are going to be your friends for 4 years. Speaking from experience, their friendship might even continue to a grad-school later. To cut yourself off from friends just because you MIGHT not keep up with them is very short sighted.

To take it to an extreme, it would be like saying you shouldn't get married because at some point one of you is going to die, so why bother?

Does she not like the social scene you're into? Do you two have common friends who might encourage her to go out? Could you set up some sort of party/get together that would let her take a few hours off and have a good time WITH you?

I'm just tossing those ideas out there.

I'm not getting a very supportive vibe from her to you. It sounds like she's trying to control who you are and what you do. "If you're going to be with me, you're gonna be social only in the way I want you to be."

What does she like to do when it is just the two of you? Do you two go out ever, or is it just the two of you on the phone?

mechanicman · 09-15-2004, 07:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bscox00

Okay, I hope I didn't offend you with the CC remark. I just know people who start at a CC to get their grades up enough to go to a University.

No you didn't and i'm sorry if I made it sound that way, I was just trying to state some facts about the situation.

bscox00 · 09-15-2004, 07:23 AM

Well, all I can say is that you have to evaluate your situation. I know you like this girl, but she may be stifling your social level. As a guy who isn't very social, any woman who is trying to keep me from going out might not be the right one.

Consider this - in EVERY relationship, no matter when, no matter for how long, no matter what happens, there are only two possibilities.

1. You break up.

2. You get married.

mechanicman · 09-15-2004, 10:31 AM

WOW!!! Thank you very much for all your ideas. It really helped me out.

I always tell her who I am going out with and what we're going to be doing, because I don't want her to think anything bad, and I won't no matter how far apart we are.

I have a friend back home that her and I used to hang out with, and I keep encourageing her to call him, but she never does. So I talked to him and asked him to call her. So they're going to dinner with her work on Sunday, so hopefully it'll get better.

Thanks again for everyones comments, I appreciate them.

bscox00 · 09-15-2004, 10:41 AM

Patience, grasshopper. You'll make this thing work. She sounds like a determined girl, who wants to keep you as her man, but wants to take her homework seriously. I'd support that.

A few ideas:

1. Pop over and surprise her. Since she'll likely be working on homework, bring her flowers or some coffee. Brighten her day. Here is a good idea - say you're meeting up with some friends for the evening (be vague) and drop by her place, saying "you're the friend I want to meet up with." Leave the flowers, give her a quick kiss and let her get back to work.

2. Send her a card in the mail. Remind her that you respect her work ethic and that you don't want to lose her.

3. If she studies to music or noise, make a mixed tape/cd (do people still make tapes?) to listen to. Make it stuff she'd like, even if you hate it!

4. Try to establish a middle ground. Every other weekend, you get one night to go out with her. Don't force it, but make it such that you both get to have fun.

5. Similar to above, but make it a date night. You both get dressed up, go to a nice restaurant or see a play (NOT a movie). Make a deal about it so that SHE can make a deal about it both in her head and to her friends.

6. Bring over dinner. Or cook dinner.

If you need other suggestions, let me know.

If you don't mind, would you consider clicking my freeipod link below? It won't cost you a thing and will help me out. If you don't want to, that's TOTALLY cool. I'm not trying to bug you.

mechanicman · 09-15-2004, 03:51 PM

I like those ideas, I'll have to do them when I'm in town. It seems like whenever I am in town with her we hang out all the time, but those will be nice for a change.

Thanks to everyone for your help.

bscox00- I have no problem clicking on your link, but I don't see it in your signature. If you want just pm me the link.

09-14-2004, 11:30 PM	#1 (permalink)
mechanicman Upright Location: Glendale, AZ	What to do? I am so lost, and don't know what I should do. My gf and I got together about 3 and a half months ago. We spent everyday of the summer together (about 2 months) until I moved off to college. I stayed in-state, and am about a 3 hour drive from her. We really have feelings for each other so we decided to stay together and try to make it work out while I am in college. We talk on the phone everyday, for about 4-5 hours. She has told me she doesn't want to hang out with anyone, and she just wants to do her college hw and work. I on the other hand want to make the best of my time here, and go out and have some fun. So here's the problem. I feel like I am living my life on the phone, and don't want to. I brought it up to her on Sat night and told her why I feel this way in a very calm manner (we have never fought or even raised our voices to each other) and we discussed it. But she thought I meant I have more important things to do than to talk to her, which is not the case. Ever since I brought this up on Saturday, we have fought every night. I enjoy talking to her, but also want to go out and have some fun while I am here. It's almost like she doesn't want me to have any fun here because she doesn't want to have fun at home, so she would rather me talk to her on the phone. I try to talk to her about this, and we are able to discuss it, but then towards the end of the conversation we begin to fight. And neither of us like to fight (but who does?). I really don't want to lose her, but at the same time I don't want to sit in my dorm on the phone all the time, so I am looking to you guys for help. BTW- we are one month apart age wise and we both started college this semester. I am at a university and she's at a communtiy college, so the "college lives" are different as well. Thanks for the advice

09-15-2004, 04:26 AM	#2 (permalink)
bscox00 Banned	Sounds to me like she's uncomfortable with you going out and maybe meeting someone else. You're wanting to live life while she's working her ass off. I'm not trying to sound mean or insensitive or snobby, but I can see some people feeling somewhat bad about themselves because they are going to a community college. I'm not certain this is the case here, but it is a possibility. However, if you are not able to find a common ground between working and playing, you two won't be together much longer. She will resent you for going out and you will resent her for making you stay in. It already sounds like this has started. I dated a girl who was a law student while I was still in college. While I didn't party my ass off, I was able to go out a lot more than she was and she began to resent me. Good luck finding a middle ground. Perhaps you could suggest that unless she relaxes a little, she will burn out very quickly. I'm here for you, bro.

09-15-2004, 07:07 AM	#4 (permalink)
Pigtails Upright	Yeah. she's probably in the back of her mind/not even aware that she is jealous that you can go out and have fun without her. When you want to go out instead of talking on the phone to her (granted 4-5 hrs. is a hella long time) what she hears is "I'm not important/interesting/fun/liked enough for him to even want to talk to me." It does hurt to hear that someone prefers to go out instead of talking to you. Reverse the situation, you would probably feel the same. I'm the same way sometimes with my bf. You know the old saying "Misery Loves Company" Of course that doesn't really help you out much with your problem. What you need to do is set up some rules and limitations. Compromising is the key to keeping your relationship working. You should keep your phone conversations to under an hour (you have homework to do also right?) I can't believe you both don't run out of stuff to say after awhile! Also if there are some days that either you or she is extremely busy, you should just mandate that as a no phone day, stressed out people are never very fun to talk to. You shouldn't have to force conversation and everyone needs some personal time. If you want to go out, she would probably feel more at ease with it, if you told her when and where and who was going with you. Otherwise she'll just think the worst. (if she's anything like me!) Also I suggest not attending frat parties, strip clubs, etc. those type of places don't have a good reputation as being good clean fun and it will make her mad. Also after you go out it never hurts to say "Did you know out of all the people there, that you were hotter than all of them? Man I'm glad we are dating." Also tell her about what happened wherever you went like "This reminded me of you" or "I thought you would think that was funny" So she gets the idea that even when you go out without her you are still thinking of her. Girls like to hear that and be reaffirmed of our status as the GF, but please be honest in saying it! You can also take her out to the places you go. Like if you want to go out with some friends, say "Next time I see you I'll introduce you to them or they know all about you." Or if you go to a club or out else where, say "I went to this awesome club and I want to go with you next time because I think you might like it." Then she won't feel left out while your doing stuff because she'll either know the people your hanging out with or know the type of place your going to. Even if she doesn't want to or can't go, you cannot be accused of excluding her from your social life. You have to make an effort and if she still has a problem with you going out she might be a little too possessive and you might want to reconsider your options. Sorry to be so wordy but I hope this helps you out. I've had the same situation with me and my bf

09-15-2004, 07:09 AM	#5 (permalink)
bscox00 Banned	Okay, I hope I didn't offend you with the CC remark. I just know people who start at a CC to get their grades up enough to go to a University. The thing is, though, that the friends you make in college are going to be your friends for 4 years. Speaking from experience, their friendship might even continue to a grad-school later. To cut yourself off from friends just because you MIGHT not keep up with them is very short sighted. To take it to an extreme, it would be like saying you shouldn't get married because at some point one of you is going to die, so why bother? Does she not like the social scene you're into? Do you two have common friends who might encourage her to go out? Could you set up some sort of party/get together that would let her take a few hours off and have a good time WITH you? I'm just tossing those ideas out there. I'm not getting a very supportive vibe from her to you. It sounds like she's trying to control who you are and what you do. "If you're going to be with me, you're gonna be social only in the way I want you to be." What does she like to do when it is just the two of you? Do you two go out ever, or is it just the two of you on the phone?

09-15-2004, 07:23 AM	#7 (permalink)
bscox00 Banned	Well, all I can say is that you have to evaluate your situation. I know you like this girl, but she may be stifling your social level. As a guy who isn't very social, any woman who is trying to keep me from going out might not be the right one. Consider this - in EVERY relationship, no matter when, no matter for how long, no matter what happens, there are only two possibilities. 1. You break up. 2. You get married.

09-15-2004, 10:31 AM	#8 (permalink)
mechanicman Upright Location: Glendale, AZ	WOW!!! Thank you very much for all your ideas. It really helped me out. I always tell her who I am going out with and what we're going to be doing, because I don't want her to think anything bad, and I won't no matter how far apart we are. I have a friend back home that her and I used to hang out with, and I keep encourageing her to call him, but she never does. So I talked to him and asked him to call her. So they're going to dinner with her work on Sunday, so hopefully it'll get better. Thanks again for everyones comments, I appreciate them.

09-15-2004, 10:41 AM	#9 (permalink)
bscox00 Banned	Patience, grasshopper. You'll make this thing work. She sounds like a determined girl, who wants to keep you as her man, but wants to take her homework seriously. I'd support that. A few ideas: 1. Pop over and surprise her. Since she'll likely be working on homework, bring her flowers or some coffee. Brighten her day. Here is a good idea - say you're meeting up with some friends for the evening (be vague) and drop by her place, saying "you're the friend I want to meet up with." Leave the flowers, give her a quick kiss and let her get back to work. 2. Send her a card in the mail. Remind her that you respect her work ethic and that you don't want to lose her. 3. If she studies to music or noise, make a mixed tape/cd (do people still make tapes?) to listen to. Make it stuff she'd like, even if you hate it! 4. Try to establish a middle ground. Every other weekend, you get one night to go out with her. Don't force it, but make it such that you both get to have fun. 5. Similar to above, but make it a date night. You both get dressed up, go to a nice restaurant or see a play (NOT a movie). Make a deal about it so that SHE can make a deal about it both in her head and to her friends. 6. Bring over dinner. Or cook dinner. If you need other suggestions, let me know. If you don't mind, would you consider clicking my freeipod link below? It won't cost you a thing and will help me out. If you don't want to, that's TOTALLY cool. I'm not trying to bug you.

09-15-2004, 03:51 PM	#10 (permalink)
mechanicman Upright Location: Glendale, AZ	I like those ideas, I'll have to do them when I'm in town. It seems like whenever I am in town with her we hang out all the time, but those will be nice for a change. Thanks to everyone for your help. bscox00- I have no problem clicking on your link, but I don't see it in your signature. If you want just pm me the link.