greyeyes

ok, apparently I never learned this in highschool or anywhere else for that matter. I was just wondering how one goes through the ritual of getting a girlfriend, I mean, I have this really cool girl and she is a really good friend. We both like each other and that kind of shit but I just dont know where the friendship turns into a relationship or how to instigate it. Is there a process you have to go through? Do you just fucking ask (seems kinda juvenile)? I'm 21 and in college, that kind of stuff, I just haven't really ever had a girlfriend (long story) and I just really need to know how this things works. Any imput would be grand! Thanks in advance!

__________________
I'm kind of jealous of the life I'm supposedly leading.
- Zach Braff

Mango

Get really drunk with her. then things will just fall into place.














Or go horribly wrong.

xim

There is a way to act towards a girl which says "we could date each other". If you were meeting a new girl, you could start like this. But since she is already your freind you will have to gradually change the vibe of your hanging out to that. It consists of 3 things i think.

1 touch her [DONT IGNORE THIS IT IS KEY] (start small)
2 compliment her looks (start small)
3 abolish all shame that you may feel for liking her (start small)

I keep saying start small because you have to work you way into it. It should be a seamless slow transition. If you change things too fast, you will will be uncomfortble and nervous, and she will be confused. So start by doing the most you can do that seems natural to your relationship with her the way it is now. If you are scared to change 50% then change 25% or 5% but never change 0%. Dont push it, you want to be cool about whatever is going on. Cool is defined as comfortable. So if you push it and make yourself nervous then you will not be cool. Just go slow and work your fronts of coolness forward.

Really think about yourself. Do you have a weird complusion to hide the fact that you like her? This is very common in people (especailly those who have never had a gf). That serves no purpose whatsover. Think about it. It is very destructive to your cause. You are afraid to compliment her or touch her because even though you want her to be your girlfriend there is still an oddly powerful voice in your head saying "No! She might think I have a crush on her and that would be SOOO embarassing" Its not embarrassing at all it is very liberating. This voice is your enemy. Get rid of it. Start dropping hints that you like her. On the other hand dont go too fast and write her a 9 page love letter out of the blue (made that mistake), thats just scary and confusing. Never say that you like her directly until you are making out with her, keep her wondering how you feel until then, but give her reason to suspect you are interested. You want her to be in a constant mystery wondering "Does he like me? Maybe he does, or maybe he doesn't I dont know Im just not sure" The more she does this the more time she spends in the day thinking about you, and they more under your spell she is. Dont be afraid to say "Cool hat", or compliment her or on some other trivial thing.

Invade her space bubble. Stand closer than seems comofortable to you. Dont freak her out at first, be gradual. Get in the habit of standing closer and closer. Eventually get to where you are standing a foot from her nose (actually, eventually get to where you're lips are touching, but for now a goal of less than 12 inches will suffice)

Start touching her elbows or something innocent. Light, quick, but firm touches. Do it while laughing or joking or whatever, be comfortable, dont be a weirdo. Start out maybe doing it once a day. Make it feel normal. Just touch her from time to time.

Get to where you dont mind telling her that she looks cute. Or If it is easier (and oddly sometime it IS easier) tell her that her OUTFIT looks cute. Maybe even pretty.

If you can, try to put off the vibe that you are doing HER a favor by spending time with her, You are the prize. Fake confidence if you have to. In other words, dont under any circumstances be desperate.

Then touch her shoulders her arms and stuff until it feels normal. If you can do it coolly touch her hand, you dont have to hold it if thats too far. Learn to read palms and do that. Whatever. Anything, just keep moving forward.

Gradually change from telling her shes cute and pretty to calling her (or her accessories) sexy.

As soon as you can work in a tickle fight (on the tummy and sides) go for it. This gets you massive points, and might even make her kinda horny. It seems very innocent, but can get you rolling around on a bed or couch or the floor with a lot of touching and has the effect of feeling very sexual, and also playful is good. If you can get her tickling you back then I wouldnt hesitate to kiss her. If shes happy touching you she will like to kiss you. Anyway, she definaly wont get mad.

If you ever think that MAYBE you could kiss her then KISS HER. If you have the confidence to think its a possibility, then you are a far enough along to just do it. Your not gonna get slapped, I promise. And If you do get slapped it will be good for you to see that its not really that big a deal to get slapped. And when you do kiss her, KEEP KISSING HER.

And of course once you kiss her, its all good.

Key thing is to be gradual,
Hope this helps

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If I could be anyone in the world I would be Britney Spears. Shes in so many commercials about pepsi... www.ximcity.com

TheBrit

I haven't done the "will you be my girlfriend" thing since I was about 12. Typically, just ask them out on a date. "Do you want to go to x with me Friday night?" If they are willing, it just works from there. If they aren't, it makes it very easy for them to say no.

-:mantra:-

Spin her around & say "So Are You Gonna Be My Girl" - straight to the point is good! Nah honestly, you should know by now if she's keensville. That look in her eye, a lingering gaze or whatever. You're obviously liking her work, so if you can sense she's liking yours, go for it! If you wait too long someone else will snap her up..

Jadey

Well, I've been "dating" a "friend" for about 5 months now. After a while I'd suspected we were getting much closer and one nite after we went out with a bunch of freinds and I took her home I told her "the next time I call you it'll be to ask you out becasue I want to be more than just friends. So, I hope you answer the phone the next time you see my name on the caller ID." That sounds kinda lame now, but you just have to know the girl and what she might respond to. My gf has a great sense of humor and I knew she'd find it a little funny.

But you don't necessarily have to talk about it. Sometimes it just happens. You both realize you are spending more and more time together and so forth. Just go with the flow.

little_tippler

Has she given you any hints that she's open to advances? She might really just be a "really good friend".

Like what others have said, does she give you lingering looks, sometimes touch you and let her hand stay there a little longer than would be necessary, have "private jokes" with you in front of other people (there's a lot of intimacy in this, if she wants to share something with just you, and in public), or are there close to kissing but not situations, all you have to do is keep your eyes open and notice what she's doing.

Or she might even be interested but still not giving you many signals, as she might not be sure it's what you want. Do you give her any signals?

I'd say the best approach is subtle and gradual, try to spend more and more time with her, if she's up for it that's a really good sign, start taking her to more romantic places rather than "friend places", create some opportunity for a kiss to happen. If all else fails, like TheBrit said, ask her on a date...but make sure she realises it's not a friends-hanging-out thing, more of an actual date.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

nowthen

dont listen to xim. he sounds like a stalker. i mean, what the hell is all that about? look man, she is your friend, just tell her how you feel for gods sake! she is a HUMAN BEING too, you know women also fall in to that category!

just let her know whats on your mind, be open with her.

__________________

"People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them."

George Bernard Shaw

itch vaccine

Most of the time.. Good friends stay as good friends, sad to say

Once you're stuck in that ... friend's circle, it's really hard to break out of it. Like, you're trapped you know? But anyways, I might be wrong, so I hope it all works well for you bud

Good luck. No advice here, everyone above me has given sufficient information on sweeping her off her feet :P

st33lr4t

seriously just talk to her. ask her what the deal is between the two of you. i just kinda went through this.

so i met this girl at a bar. we started hanging out maybe twice a week for a couple hours at a time. we both werent interested in each other in a relationship kinda way. we both were simply enjoying each others company. so this went on for like 2 months. And sure enough i started to get sucked in and realized that she was a great girl and wanted "more" out of friendship. so i was like you not knowing how to make the move when finally she came up to me and said "wtf is going on with us". once we hammered all that crap out i found myself having a new woman :0

so definately open you mouth and ask her what the deal is between you both. dont ask her to be your g.f but ask her where she see's your friendship heading.

mo42

BEWARE!! Ladder theory dictates it might be difficult to begin dating the girl if she just considers you as a friend. Stupid ladders.

http://www.intellectualwhores.com/masterladder.html

nowthen

ladder theory is bullshit. it is written by some shy guy, to justify to himself why he cant articulate himself to the opposite sex.

you know, my theory, in business, relationships, whatever, is that you have to tell people what you want. if that matches with what they want, off you go.

but people generally in my experience, relate and react well to people who can honestly show and explain their feelings. its just human nature. we just fuck it up by sticking 10,000 layers of hang ups and bullshit in our interactions with people.

__________________

"People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them."

George Bernard Shaw

waltert

lol, I was so inept at age 17 that a girl who I had been friends with and was trying to get to date me leaned in to kiss me, and I didnt know what to do. it can be really challenging if you havent had any experience in the area.
"1 touch her [DONT IGNORE THIS IT IS KEY] (start small)
2 compliment her looks (start small)
3 abolish all shame that you may feel for liking her (start small)"

is good advice

greyeyes

Ok, I probably should have expounded on our relationship that I have with this girl. I met her in one of my classes about a month ago. Just last week (eight days ago I think) I asked her if she wanted to go and hang out, perhaps do something fun then next day. She agreed pretty redily. The next day, Hurricane Ivan came through the city though it was mostly high winds and rain, When we met up at school she didn't think it was a good idea to drive anywhere in those conditions. So I offered to walk her to my place because it was closer than her's and then drive her home from there. She agreed (insert wet, not cold, windy scene with both of us getting completely soaked, good times). Well, the entire way home we just clicked really well. Back at my place we did the drying off thing and I made some hot tea. from there we chilled for about three hours just talking and shit (like I said we clicked really well). When it got dark someone (I dont remember who) made the comment that I should take her home, yet she suggested that I come over and watch a Kung Fu movie at her place (I dont think I've stated how cool this girl is yet;just and example: yesterday she bought the new star wars triligy that just came out and was more excited than I was about getting it, but back to the story). We went, watched the movie, had a great time, and I left around eleven thirty. Since then I have spoken to her either on the phone or in person for a min of one hour every day.
We have spent time in the park (though, half the time was spent studying, or her helping me with Econ because I suck at it).

The most recent time we have spent hardcore time with each other was on monday evening. We watched the cowboy bebop movie (yeah I own it, you gotta problem wid dat??) and ended up having a few drinks. Well to make a great story short we ended up cuddleing and kissing all night (she instigated the kissing, I was really trying to hold off on that one but she knew what she wanted and I had no problem with that) and her spending the night while we were both constantly either complementing each other or just talking about stuff went to sleep around five thrity to six (I'm not too sure of the accuracy of the time). So I guess I'm past the "dating period" (which I would rather call hanging out) but I have hung out with many girls and honestly it usually ends up with me getting them in the sack on the second or third day then it lasts for about two weeks MAX and I cut it off because they bore me (that's what happens when you go for looks over brains and chemestry). I DO NOT want this to happen!! And like I said in my first post I really want to try the girlfriend thing (especially with her). Now I guess my question is: where do I go from here to obtain that? I've hung out with her for about a week now but I really dont want to rush things (like I tend to do) because they sour so quickly. Were shooting for long term here baby!! And thanks for your quick responses everybody I'm really impressed as to how many people posted since last night alone.

__________________
I'm kind of jealous of the life I'm supposedly leading.
- Zach Braff

tropple

Roofies and nice strong vodka screwdrivers ;-)

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+++++++++++Boom!

xim

uh... fork you dude
I sound like a stalker?

Its not easy for some people to just blatantly blurt out what they want without coming off like a desperate loser, especially if they missed the dating game in highschool and are lacking in confidence and have zero experience. I know, I was one of those people. What the hell is all that about? Very specific descriptions of the signals to send, and how to gradually become comfortable with them so that you can feel like you know what your doing and be confident about it.

Jackass

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If I could be anyone in the world I would be Britney Spears. Shes in so many commercials about pepsi... www.ximcity.com

exizldelfuego

well, it sounds like it's already pretty well established that you both dig each other. You're already on the road to "more than friends." If you're looking for longevity, now would be a good time to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with her. Tell her what you want out of this relationship, about your concerns, and where you've been in the past (and thus want to avoid this time around). Also get her to lay out exactly what she wants out of the relationship and make sure everything jives with your wants.

Now's a good time for open, honest communication to take a major role in the interaction between you two.

slimshaydee

just make sure that before you do this, you take a look in the mirror and see if you are ron jeremy. If so, you made need to stand further way without touching her

CityOfAngels

Ok, first you two have to be dressed in nothing but black, hooded cloaks. You then bend over as she spanks you 20 times with a large wooden spatula (preferrably with holes drilled in it), and you must say, "Thank you ma'am, may I please have another?" each time she strikes you. After you're done with that, you clap your hands five times, stick your right arm in, stick your right arm out, then you do the hokie-pokie and you shake it all about.
You then invite her into your bedroom. If she accepts, you two must then commence in a wrestling match in which you eventually let her win. She then spreads ice cream on your twanger and then you light up a cigarette and tell her to "get the hell outta here."

Or you could just ask her if she would like to hang out sometime. That might work, too.

The point of this overly-sarcastic post: There is no ritual in getting a girlfriend; only in getting todays girlfriend.

nowthen

xim, dude, you are totally missing the point. if this girl likes this guy, then if he is just honest with her and tells here he likes her, in whatever way he can, then its game on. However, if nothing romantic is never gonna happen, 3 months of elbow touching and aiming to get 12" away from kissing her is not gonna make one shit of a difference. sorry to rain on your parade.

__________________

"People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them."

George Bernard Shaw

CityOfAngels

Haha reminds me of this guy I saw on The 5th Wheel TV show. He immediately starts touching the girls when they're hanging out and totally invading their "space bubble." The girls immediately conclude that he's a creep. This one girl tells him, "Please do me a favor and don't touch me anymore." So he says, "Ok," and grabs her head and starts licking her hair and face all over. With this other girl, after she totally rejects him, he wipes his ass with his thong underwear and says, "Here I have a parting gift for you," and drops the underwear on her lap.

Maybe that was xim?

greyeyes

OK guys, enough ragging on xim, it's not doing anyone any good. Especially xim.
But back to the subject at hand. Last night she came over and spent the night and we did have that heart to heart like exizldelfuego was talking about in his post. I more or less told her that I was pretty interested in her and that I would like to start some sort of committment (not in so many words though). Her reply was that she had just gotten out of a relationship around the beginning of augest and it wasn't easy for her to transfer emotions especially since she really cared about this other guy (who in my opinion was a complete looser, but hell I only got her side in it all). I'm not positive if I got completely rejected or if she just needs a little more time (she did afterall just get her stuff from his place last wednesday, she also used the word closure so I'm guessing she's not completely over him but I dont know). Any comments on this?

__________________
I'm kind of jealous of the life I'm supposedly leading.
- Zach Braff

xim

Maybe you missed the fact that I said "go slow" twice "start small" four times and be "gradual" four times. Maybe you are illiterate. Or maybe you are just angered by something you obviously never learned and want to thwart other people from learning it. Maybe you were that poor guy I saw on Blind Date who was so terrified at the idea of encouraging the girl to think of him as a sexual being that he is forever locked in the freind-zone with every female he talks to. And besides, if a girl is so much of a cold bitch that she responds that way to your touching her, why even waste your time? Secondly, it would do you good not to learn about dating from a TV show. There is nothing less natural than trying to act natural with a camera jammed in your face, especially in such an already high pressure situation as a first date. People act very odd when they are put on display.

This is half of the truth.... the sad bitter half. This is the view that says "If your screwed your screwed" or "you can't change anything so give up", a view created as a defense mechanism for someone who feels powerless. It is true that her present feelings about you, affect her future feelings about you, but it IS possible to change peoples minds about you. Have you ever had a girl compliment you and all of the sudden she seems a little cuter than you'd previously noticed? It works both ways. Be interested in her and she will be more inetersted in you.

The point of my post was not to be a 12 step program to luring her into your trap (as those of you so eager to flame me seem to think). It is just a summation of signals that show your interested.

As you can tell I'm not a big fan of the "Blurt out how you feel" system. That is a very male view on how it should be done. Men are generally much more "to the point" than women, that should be no shock. So although ideally it sounds like a great to be so upfront about it, it is not always the way girls respond best to. Women are indirect. They like to play games (not only to win games but to PLAY games). And most of all women LOVE "the chase". Just walking up to a girl you like and saying "I like you", will flatter her and just might do the trick, if you are especially good looking, or she already has a thing for you. But keep in mind that it totally skips over chase that they love so much. It also puts her on the spot and no matter how she responds, her present feelings are put into in verbal concrete.

Plus in general, I think the faster you jump into a relationship, the faster it will end. So I just dont see any merit in trying to spring a conversation on her that will instantaneously transform you from being "not together" to "together". Going from 0% to 100%. Be gradual, take it from 0% to 20%, then wait to see if she will push it to 30%. Keep that ball going back and forth. (Is anyone following this quantum vollyball metaphor?)


So what to do now? I dont know. She just got out of a commitment, so I would be hesitant to use that word to her. It sounds to me like she already thinks things are going too fast (and I blame that attempted jump to 100%). Don't put any pressure on her. Just keep hanging out with her and showing her how fun you are. Don't be desperate, and definaltly dont act "mad" at her for not wanting to jump in to anything with you. I guess just try to keep yourself as being the first thing she will see as soon as she regains visiblity while dust settles from her last relationship. Oh and try to avoid putting any labels on your relationship with her.

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If I could be anyone in the world I would be Britney Spears. Shes in so many commercials about pepsi... www.ximcity.com

CityOfAngels

Just because a girl doesn't want you to "invade her bubble" and touch her doesn't mean she's a cold bitch. Maybe that's what you have to realize. "...it would do you good not to learn about dating from a TV show?" I assume you know this from experience. I know this because it's common sense.

exizldelfuego

In general, I agree with xim. If you're already a friend, it's hard to change the perception from being just a friend to a romantic candidate. And if you are going to succeed in doing so, it has to be slow and gradual. As xim said, hoping for a jump from 0-100% will only leave you disappointed.

But this wasn't a 0-100% jump. This isn't a long-time friendship. He met her a month ago in a class. Impressions are still being made. What's more, they've already spent at least one night cuddling and making out. Thats a fair deal past standing within a foot of her and the casual touch. I'd say thats an indication of a good 75% already there. And since, from the info provided, they were already on the cusp of a relationship, it didn't seem like a bad idea to set an early precedence of open communication, which is something greyeyes is going to need if he wants a long-term relationship with her.

I still think the heart-to-heart was the right thing to do, and it wasn't that he was necessarily rejected. It let her know his ambition and where his intentions lie. It also let her know of his respect for her and her wishes, and his willingness to be open and honest with her. Those aren't bad things for her to know.

As for what to do now, I second xim's suggestions. Make sure she knows you exist, that you still enjoy her company, and that you're still open for a relationship whenever she finds her closure. And because I don't know how to do the specific quote in the quick reply, "keep yourself as being the first thing she will see as soon as she regains visiblity while dust settles from her last relationship."

bermuDa

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Squishor

I have a comment. When I started seeing my current boyfriend I was not over my ex. It really took me a while to get past everything that had happened and move on, even though I was spending all my time with the new (current) boyfriend and enjoying it very much. It's not that I didn't want to be with him, but it took a little time for me to recover from the past. He was patient and just waited it out, and now we've been together 5 1/2 years and have a much better relationship than I ever had with the last guy. I guess he saw the potential there for something really good and just wasn't going to give up that easy. The result has really been that his patience showed me how much he wanted to be with me. Every once in a while he likes to mention the fact that it took at least six months before I would acknowledge that I was, in fact, his "girlfriend."

pinion

Was it only 6 mos? It seems like we were LIVING TOGETHER before I ever heard you say "boyfriend."

Fuck her, and fuck her well. It might sound crude but she's probably waiting and wondering why you haven't yet. If you put it off too long, she's gonna think you're not really interested in her. If the relationship only lasts a few weeks, then it's the wrong time and place or it just wasn't meant to be..

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The silent truth asserts it's proof like you abhor.

xim

its a far reach, but you can do it.... i believe in you

Incidentally, I study personality theory as a hobby and I find it interesting how people will (almost arbitrarily) choose an enemy, or "tribal" enemy and establish it, then no matter what is said by one (even if they are saying the exact same things) will be heard by the other as the most rancidly offensive provoking remarks. Flamewars are the perfect example of this. Watch for it.

Anywho:

hehe, yes... its true sometimes I can be a bit wordy.
"Keep yourself as being the first thing she will see as soon as she regains visiblity while dust settles from her last relationship" translates to simply "stick around"

My anti heart to heart sentiments in my last post were more of a rant than advice (since it already happened) and I didnt mean to imply that you had screwed yourself over. I dont think what she said to you should be taken as an all out rejection. If she was "all out" rejecting you she could have been much more explicit. She obviously digs you, and if you think she is as cool as you do, that means you guys are alot alike, and I'm sure shes noticed it too. Just hang in there, stay interested, and make sure your not pushy or desperate. "Freindly" is right in the middle I think.

Keep us updated.

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If I could be anyone in the world I would be Britney Spears. Shes in so many commercials about pepsi... www.ximcity.com

:::OshnSoul:::

Ok, you know what- there IS no ritual. Just be yourself, go with the flow, and don't rush! Things will go the way they're meant to be. Oh, and honesty is a good thing to have.

Silex

I judge a woman to be a girlfriend with only two pieces of criteria.

1. She likes the smell of duct tape.
2. She doesn't mind being kept in dark places for long periods of time.

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"Behold, my love, behold all that I simultaneously do: scandal, seduction, bad example, incest, adultery, sodomy! Oh, Satan! one and unique God of my soul, inspire thou in me something yet more, present further perversions to my smoking heart, and then shalt thou see how I shall plunge myself into them all!"