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Old 06-13-2005, 09:06 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Location: In a house
Ex-wife telling lies

Hi all… I am wondering if I should contact or email my ex-wife on something I found out. She has been telling people we divorced because I abused her which is completely untrue. We split because of many different things and the end actually came when I found out she was cheating on me. When others ask me what happened I tell them we could not work things out and leave it at that. I could tell people she is a slut and whatnot, but that’s just not me. This is really bugging me and I feel disgusted be her telling people this. Which brings me back to my original question, should I contact her or just let it be? I have not talked to her in at least six months and we have been divorced for a year (just to give some background).

Thanks,
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Old 06-13-2005, 09:17 AM   #2 (permalink)
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I'd definately approach her first off.

Don't go in all fire and brimstone either. Ask her if the stories you have been hearing she's telling are true? "Are you calling me an abuser? Why?"

Ask her nicely to stop.

If she is going around accusing you of illegal activites (IE: domestic abuse) you have legal routes to deal with that (slander or libel, i forget which), but if I were you, that would be a last resort.
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Old 06-13-2005, 09:23 AM   #3 (permalink)
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I wouldn't bother talking to her. It won't make her stop. The fact that she cheated on you and is telling lies about you shows her weak character as well as the fact that she does not care how anything she does affects you. If anything, it will just encourage her because she knows it is bothering you.

Sinking to her level and lying about her is even worse. Telling the truth about her cheating to your friends is fine, because the truth is the truth.

If this is affecting your social life, then speak to those nearest you ( circle of friends ) and set them straight with the truth. Her friends are always going to side with her and nothing you say or do will change that. Also your ex and her friend's opinions are not worth your time or effort.

If any of her lies affects you to the point where it is detrimental to your life, ( Job related problems, can't rent an apartment, etc ) then it is time to go to court and sue for monetary damage and an injunction to make her stop spreading lies. Slander is illegal.

I hope this helps.

-tenchi

***quick edit*** Just read the post above mine ( was being typed at the same time as this one ) Slander is verbal untruths, and Libel is written untruths. I used to work as a System Admin of a newspaper.
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Old 06-13-2005, 11:06 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I agree, don't call her- it's only going to add fuel to her already demented fire. Set the truth straight with anyone you are friends with who might have heard her lies. If it affects your life in an adverse way, I say talk to a lawyer- it would be an unfortunate development but there are penalties when people tell lies.
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Old 06-13-2005, 11:09 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sage
I agree, don't call her- it's only going to add fuel to her already demented fire. Set the truth straight with anyone you are friends with who might have heard her lies. If it affects your life in an adverse way, I say talk to a lawyer- it would be an unfortunate development but there are penalties when people tell lies.
Talk to a lawyer and have a letter sent by a lawyer on their letterhead threatening legal action for slander. She'll stop right quick, I promise you that. More importantly--if she DOESN'T stop, follow through with legal action. She's certainly not helping the plight of real domestic violence victims.
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Old 06-13-2005, 11:25 AM   #6 (permalink)
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If she's telling friends that you both still communicate with then just tell them the truth if it comes up. If she's telling strangers just let it go. Who cares what people you don't know think about you? Girls in my high school do stuff like that, you know, 16 year olds. I think her actions are telling you a lot about her character and maturity level. Be the bigger person.
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Old 06-13-2005, 12:29 PM   #7 (permalink)
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It's called blame the victim. I have two recommendations for you:

1) Talk to a therapist (most health plans let you do this without a referral) to understand and overcome your misplaced feelings of guilt. A good therapist can also help you develop a strategy for dealing with this.

2) Realize that she may be tearing you down in order to build herself up and assuage her own feelings of guilt. In short, cheating on an abusive asshole like you is ok. It's called rationalization and it doesn't matter one bit that you were never an abusive asshole.
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Old 06-13-2005, 06:47 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by onesnowyowl
Talk to a lawyer and have a letter sent by a lawyer on their letterhead threatening legal action for slander. She'll stop right quick, I promise you that. More importantly--if she DOESN'T stop, follow through with legal action. She's certainly not helping the plight of real domestic violence victims.
Agreed. It may be easier to ignore her. But what happens when people you know are avoiding you simply because they believe her? You need to do something about it.

It was easy for me with my ex. I told everyone I was a piss poor SO anyway
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Old 06-15-2005, 01:40 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Divorce and seperation has an interesting way of solidifying who your worthwhile friends are. Reasons for your divorce are not anyone's business, and people who want to dig into it after you have politely passed on the details are only looking for gossip anyway. Your ex is insecure and looking for people to side with her, and she deserves the false friends she gets.

Maintain that things just didn't work out and the people who respect that are the ones worth having in your life. Your quiet confidence will speak louder than her lies ever could.
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Old 06-15-2005, 04:36 AM   #10 (permalink)
Crazy
 
Location: In a house
Just an update... I decided not to say anything. She has always been a drama queen and only would enjoy me saying something to her about it. The friends that matter most to me know what happened (it was pretty obvious). I will just let it lie for now. Thanks for the advice...
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Old 06-15-2005, 11:43 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by onesnowyowl
Talk to a lawyer and have a letter sent by a lawyer on their letterhead threatening legal action for slander. She'll stop right quick, I promise you that. More importantly--if she DOESN'T stop, follow through with legal action. She's certainly not helping the plight of real domestic violence victims.
Best suggestion in my opinion, and I hope things turn out well.

(CALL THE LAWYER)
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Old 06-15-2005, 11:51 AM   #12 (permalink)
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A wise man once told me: kill her pets. Aside from that, you could go about it in a mature way and talk to her about it, as well as defending yourself to the people she's lying to, and involve a lawyer if necessary. Or you could be vindictive and start a smear campaign against her, saying she kept losing her bowel control and shitting on the rug so you divorced.
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