I'm over her. Is it ok to not be friends? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

worried_one · 05-30-2003, 02:48 PM

Well I'm sure you all know about the long drama revolving around my background. Search for another post by me, and you'll read all about it. It's like an epic struggle.

Anyway, I'm dating other girls now, I've finally discovered on my own that her dumping me is the greatest thing that could have happened to me. Her life is a mess, mine is improving every day. Friends and family don't understand why I would ever want to be friends with a girl like my ex-gf...and I honestly do NOT want to be friends.

But I don't want to come across as a bitter asshole in front of her. I want to appear friendly but I know that eventually she's going to want to call me or talk to me and "be friends". What's the best way of letting her know I have no intention of being friends with her? Should I just not answer her calls? Or should I be blunt and tell her I don't want to be friends and explain why?

worried_one · 05-30-2003, 02:49 PM

and here's the original thread detailing the whole thing

http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthr...&threadid=5862

4thTimeLucky · 05-30-2003, 03:20 PM

I have a friend going through this right now.

My concern is that if you worry about this then you aren't fully over her. Also, that the desire to tell her she's out of your life is just a complex way of being in her life. An argument or hate is better than nothing.

BUT if you're serious about being over it, then I suggest the 3Ps: Prim, Proper, Polite. Never be rude, but never encourage anything. Only take part in small-talk and do so minimally: Yes, No answers. Be polite but dull. Always try to be genuinely busy if she wants to meet. Never start a conversation or encounter yourself. Soon things will just fizzle out and you will be acquaintences that drift ever further apart. If that's what you want.

denim · 05-30-2003, 03:33 PM

Ah, another Spider Robinson fan.

Slims · 05-30-2003, 03:57 PM

If it ever comes up, just tell her that she hurt you too much, and you would rather she not be a part of your life anymore.

4thTimeLucky · 05-30-2003, 04:03 PM

Spider Robinson??

I am completely lost.

rogue49 · 05-30-2003, 05:22 PM

Dude, you really don't owe her a thing.
She mistreated you, and she's a user. (VERY selfish)
You don't need "friends" like that.

Just say, it's better this way, I wish you the best
and walk away.

You're not being rude or heartless,
just sane & protecting yourself.

This is one time, not to be a "nice guy".

gibber71 · 05-30-2003, 06:44 PM

worried__one,... I think if you can distinguish and understand the difference between a friend and an acquaintance,then your question should answer itself.

Shades · 05-30-2003, 07:31 PM

Same advice that lots of people give here, although it's wise, it's hard to do sometimes- back off. Don't call her. Don't hang out with her. If you run in to her, five minutes or less of conversation, then split. If she phones, answer and say you're just going out the door. If she invites you anywhere, you're busy doing something with your girlfriend, who makes you happy and isn't abusing your heart (you can omit the last part if yuo want to). I've done this, it works great, and makes you get your strength back, to the point where you almost wonder why you ever bothered with this person to begin with.

05-30-2003, 02:48 PM	#1 (permalink)
worried_one Upright	I'm over her. Is it ok to not be friends? Well I'm sure you all know about the long drama revolving around my background. Search for another post by me, and you'll read all about it. It's like an epic struggle. Anyway, I'm dating other girls now, I've finally discovered on my own that her dumping me is the greatest thing that could have happened to me. Her life is a mess, mine is improving every day. Friends and family don't understand why I would ever want to be friends with a girl like my ex-gf...and I honestly do NOT want to be friends. But I don't want to come across as a bitter asshole in front of her. I want to appear friendly but I know that eventually she's going to want to call me or talk to me and "be friends". What's the best way of letting her know I have no intention of being friends with her? Should I just not answer her calls? Or should I be blunt and tell her I don't want to be friends and explain why?

05-30-2003, 03:20 PM	#3 (permalink)
4thTimeLucky Psycho Location: 4th has left the building - goodbye folks	I have a friend going through this right now. My concern is that if you worry about this then you aren't fully over her. Also, that the desire to tell her she's out of your life is just a complex way of being in her life. An argument or hate is better than nothing. BUT if you're serious about being over it, then I suggest the 3Ps: Prim, Proper, Polite. Never be rude, but never encourage anything. Only take part in small-talk and do so minimally: Yes, No answers. Be polite but dull. Always try to be genuinely busy if she wants to meet. Never start a conversation or encounter yourself. Soon things will just fizzle out and you will be acquaintences that drift ever further apart. If that's what you want. __________________ I've been 4thTimeLucky, you've been great. Goodnight and God bless!

05-30-2003, 03:57 PM	#5 (permalink)
Slims Eccentric insomniac Location: North Carolina	If it ever comes up, just tell her that she hurt you too much, and you would rather she not be a part of your life anymore. __________________ "Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery." - Winston Churchill "All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act out their dream with open eyes, to make it possible." Seven Pillars of Wisdom, T.E. Lawrence

05-30-2003, 04:03 PM	#6 (permalink)
4thTimeLucky Psycho Location: 4th has left the building - goodbye folks	Spider Robinson?? I am completely lost. __________________ I've been 4thTimeLucky, you've been great. Goodnight and God bless!

05-30-2003, 06:44 PM	#8 (permalink)
gibber71 Loser	worried__one,... I think if you can distinguish and understand the difference between a friend and an acquaintance,then your question should answer itself. Last edited by gibber71; 05-30-2003 at 06:46 PM..

05-30-2003, 02:49 PM	#2 (permalink)
worried_one Upright	and here's the original thread detailing the whole thing http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthr...&threadid=5862

05-30-2003, 03:33 PM	#4 (permalink)
denim Banned Location: Massachusetts, USA	Ah, another Spider Robinson fan.

05-30-2003, 05:22 PM	#7 (permalink)
rogue49 Loser	Dude, you really don't owe her a thing. She mistreated you, and she's a user. (VERY selfish) You don't need "friends" like that. Just say, it's better this way, I wish you the best and walk away. You're not being rude or heartless, just sane & protecting yourself. This is one time, not to be a "nice guy".

05-30-2003, 07:31 PM	#9 (permalink)
Shades Insane	Same advice that lots of people give here, although it's wise, it's hard to do sometimes- back off. Don't call her. Don't hang out with her. If you run in to her, five minutes or less of conversation, then split. If she phones, answer and say you're just going out the door. If she invites you anywhere, you're busy doing something with your girlfriend, who makes you happy and isn't abusing your heart (you can omit the last part if yuo want to). I've done this, it works great, and makes you get your strength back, to the point where you almost wonder why you ever bothered with this person to begin with.