Putting a hold on a relationship? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

zensheep · 10-09-2005, 09:28 AM

The past two weeks I have felt completely crushed over the fact that my girlfriend of over two years, we'll call her K, has decided that she wants to put a hold on our relationship.

A little background info is needed so here it is: We met during the summer of my freshman year in college and the summer of her sophomore year in high school, so she is 2 and a half years younger than me. The catch is that she was visiting her cousin (a friend of mine) when we met and she is from Michigan and I live in Seattle. I had never met anybody like her before, the minute I saw her I knew she was the one, and the same for her. Over the next few weeks we spent all of our time talking online and I stayed at her cousin's house for a week (since her cousin lived a few hours away from me). While I was staying at her house, K and I decided that we should go ahead and start a long distance relationship. The age difference was of no consequence to either of us, the only problem was the dstance.

A few months into the relationship we hit a rough spot, the distance was wearing her down, and weren't together for a period of a few months, and she began seeing someone else and it tore me apart. That did not work out and a few months later she came to visit me and we were together in a relationship again.

Fast forward to today. It is my Senior year of college, and her Freshman year at a school in Michigan. It was always our plan that she would either come to school out here or after I was finished I would move to Michigan so we can have a much closer relationship. Due to financial complications (she has had a somewhat trying family experience growing up) and scholarship limitations she had to attend school in-state. That was ok with me, as I knew that we would be together soon as it was my last year and as soon as I graduated I would be driving over there with all my worldly belongings in tow to start a new life with the girl of my dreams.

Unfortunately, it seems that that dream is in danger of not happening. K told me a few weeks ago that she feels that the relationship is more of a 'fake' relationship than a real one, and she was young and wanted to experience more in her life and concentrate on her schoolwork and career (her family life before really instilled in her a sense of unique personal ideals which I honestly and truly admire and respect) and that she feels that it would be in our best interest to test the waters with dating other people until we can be together. The stipulation is that these relationships will be non-sexual, which is something that I want as the thought of her dating other people, let alone sleeping with other people, is almost too much for me. We were each other's first and only sexual partners.

This honestly came out of absolutely nowhere. I had no idea that she was holding these feelings in and the fact that they were just piled on me is what probably hurt me the most. She has hardly any time to talk to me nowadays as she goes to school full time, works, and wants to socialize with friends, and to put it bluntly I feel absolutely abandoned. She was the first person I felt comfortable opening up my feelings to and letting my guard down for, and now she barely talks to me, and when she does it's always rushed.

The past two years I have been there for her mentally and emotionally, I just can't be there physically and it honestly hurts knowing that the one thing that's tearing us apart is the one thing that is impossible for me to rectify at the moment. I'm angry that now that she has some independence she has left me out in the cold when I supported her bar-none for the past two years out of many emotionally sticky situations.

I apologize for the length of this post but I have been dealing with this for the past two weeks and I'm honestly no better off than the first moment she told me, and it feels good to put my feelings out in a medium where I can get some assistance and relief. I guess the point of all of this is that I am wondering if anyone has been in a situation like this before and how they dealt with it. I honestly am not interested in trying to go out and date other people while K is still in the picture, I just wouldn't feel right doing it. She tells me that she loves me and that I have nothing to worry about and that she believes it is fate and destiny that we will be together, and I love her with all my heart but I can't help but get the feeling that she is trying to spare my feelings and decrease the amount of hurt she inflicts, which ironically is not what I want at all, I would much rather have her tell me straight up what is going on so if necessary I can just move on and forget about this situation.

Thank you to anyone who actually reads all of this, I didn't mean for it to be this long and rambling but all of this has been swimming around my head for the past few weeks and I desperately want to get it out. Thank you TFP for any advice you may give, you guys are great.

analog · 10-09-2005, 09:48 AM

She's in college, and college is the time when you want to be able to let loose and have fun. With you being so far away, that kind of makes it so that she can't even have fun with you, so she's extending her reach a little.

Could it work out? Maybe. Will it? Honestly, likely not. It seems you had a fairly typical "high school romance" and they don't always work out. She's never experienced anything outside of you and wants to "see the world", so to speak.

If this is a serious "just a break" thing, the communication will continue. If the communication starts waning between you two, I have to honestly say that it might be the start of the end. Take heart, though, there are many women in this world, as i'm sure you've noticed- and no matter how "the one" this girl felt, you will find another who will feel even more "right". It's life, man. Its unpredictability is part of its charm.

hrandani · 10-09-2005, 06:09 PM

I'm really sorry, buddy. But it sounds like she was just using you for status, or as an emotional dumping ground, or something. Because if that's the way she feels she doesn't really love you.

Because you clearly were willing to put your life in her hands while you were in college, but she's not willing to return the favor. It's tough, but them's the breaks, and you got fucked.

Try not to be too bitter. It sounds like you are a great deal more mature than she is. Perhaps it would be wise to attempt to meet some older girls.

ursae_ · 10-09-2005, 06:22 PM

Being in a long distance relationship, i can slightly relate to your problem, except i feel no need to explore other relationships, and neither does my lover. That she does is not wrong, however.
She's young, and has probably never felt this independence before. It's possible that
after exploring the college scene she may return to wanting a relationship, but the
chances of her liking it, and sticking with it for some time are just as big.

While she is exploring herself and her new surroundings, you may be stuck alone,
so i say you get out there and do some exploring yourself. Who knows, you may
find somebody just as, or even more compatible, because from what i read, she has
changed quite a bit from who she was when you met.

I don't belive in relationship 'holds', so that is my advice. I think they just bring
more needless distress. If some time from now she returns to you, make sure you're
not still bitter about this, because potentially that could eventually tear you two apart.

ursae_ · 10-09-2005, 06:24 PM

oh, and p.s. you shouldn't get back with her.
If she loved you, she wouldn't have done this to you

optik_nerve · 10-09-2005, 07:02 PM

I couldn't agree more with Analog.

If you love her, let her go and if she comes back, than it was meant to be.

alliNYC · 10-09-2005, 07:23 PM

I feel your pain on this one. To be blunt, this is pretty much a done deal. She is starting college, she is ready to experience new things, explore the unknown. You and her are unfortunately in 2 different places.

zensheep · 10-09-2005, 08:04 PM

Thank you guys so much for your replies. I know that most likely my best course of action is just to cut it off and stop all communication for a while and get my life in order but that of course is much easier said than done. Either way I go about this I'm going to end up feeling like complete shit, and I guess it's the romantic in me that refuses to give up. I am willing to work as hard as hell to get this right as I truly want this to work out. I do believe her feelings for me are true it's just the timing in our life for this to happen couldn't have been worse. Thanks again for the help guys!

dirtyrascal7 · 10-09-2005, 08:11 PM

Break-ups are always tough, but it really sucks when one person is completley blindsided. The fact that she's essentially abandoning you means that she's been wanting out for a while, but it was easier just to keep the charade going until now. And now that she is out, she doesn't want to face you because there's a part of her that feels guilty... she's simply taking the easy way out.

What you need to do now is let go. She's already moved on and is trying to find someone to fill the roles you played for the past 2+ years... I suggest you do the same. I know it sucks to think about how much you poured into this relationship, seemingly all for nothing now... but there's always something to be learned from situations like this. Take time to reflect, then get on with your life... don't make things overly complicated.

mandy · 10-09-2005, 11:50 PM

so dont look at it as a break up.look at it as a chance to try out new things.i can honestly say that i dont know what i would do if my bf wanted a break or put our relationship on hold but i can only hope that i'll beable to see it as a chance to start afresh.

trust me i understand that you must be feeling you cant go on because all you've known for the past two years is her. trust me it's not going to be easy and you've got to cry about it, its the only way you can get over it. it's the only way you can truley move on.And, the one thing you shouldnt do is hold grudges, lifes to short for that plus frowning all the time gives you wrinkles.

take your time in getting over this, feel sorry for yourself a little bit just not too much:-)but also, dont take too long. because, in the end, you did learn from her and in turn she learned from you.

use this as an opportunity to use what you have learned in trying to find happiness with someone else.

my bf and i were going through a rough patch and in fact still are but working through it and one time we were chatting about me in the depressive state that i was in because of him being away from home working and stuff, it was hard and still is for me to accept sometimes but he told me , and this is something i will always remember, "you've got to be happy as an individual before you can be happy with someone"

it has stuck with me ever since and i just thought i'd share that with you.

i wish you good luck on your journey to happiness and hope you come out on top and find what you need and what you deserve.

amonkie · 10-10-2005, 02:39 AM

With long distance relationships, the day to day contact and activity does not exist in the same way - with you gone, she could still talk to you and have your relationship, but she "did" things with her other friends - all the socializing it sounds like you resent because it takes time away from the two of you. My personal interpretation is that you being almost done, and willing/ready to move there means that your relationship would ultimately move to a higher level ... and it appears she is either not ready for that or is not interested in pursuing that, right now.

The world of college is soo much different than high school... and ultimately, if you want what is best for her, give her the freedom she requests with no strings attached.

dlish · 10-10-2005, 05:14 AM

the 'lets just be friends" talk always means trouble. This basically means your screwed and she's off doing what college kids do..its the truth.

look on the bright side... u may have lost 1 girl, but now you have a few billion to choose from...

get on with your life...(but no you dont have to cry to get on with your life... )

Aladdin Sane · 10-10-2005, 05:26 AM

It's time to move on. She's ready to explore, and there's nothing you can do to change her mind. It's time for you to come to grips with this reality. She's checking out. Period. Move on.

Poppinjay · 10-10-2005, 06:05 AM

It sucks, zensheep, but it's not an unfamiliar pattern. She was a girl dating a college man, now she's a college woman. The status has changed substantially.

I'm sure you trusted her deeply, and were completely blindsided by this, but in the end, she was a kid. When she officially entered adulthood and the college world, the choices suddenly become endless.

So many young women entered my school as freshman, initially turning down guys because they "have a boyfriend back home". To my knowledge, not a single one of those women stayed faithful. One married the boy back home, and didn't stay faithful.

Part of why this sucks for you is that you didn't get to do the whole college dating scene. At least you have a year left. What happened is a loss, and it sucks right now. It will continue to suck as long as you hope for reconciliation. It's not your fault, nor is it hers, she's doing what college kids do. Consider this romance over, and work on having some fun for yourself.

zensheep · 10-10-2005, 06:39 AM

Well I bit the bullet and told her that I can't continue on in this pseudo relationship/friendship limbo and just sit by and watch her 'explore' while I wait to see if things work out. I laid it down straight as to how I felt about being abandoned and she was surprised that I felt that way, (I have no idea why, I've mentioned it in the past few weeks) and then she got upset that this was how I felt and that we were losing our friendship. Since it was extremely late when we talked about this, which in hindsight I should have waited for a better time, she had to go to bed and that's really all that was said. So now here I am the next morning wondering if I did the right thing. I want to have a friendship with her and I want to be with her in the end, but I know I'm mature enough to sit by and watch her date other people without me turning into a wreck. I've done it before and it wasn't fun.

10-09-2005, 09:28 AM	#1 (permalink)
zensheep Crazy Location: Seattle	Putting a hold on a relationship? The past two weeks I have felt completely crushed over the fact that my girlfriend of over two years, we'll call her K, has decided that she wants to put a hold on our relationship. A little background info is needed so here it is: We met during the summer of my freshman year in college and the summer of her sophomore year in high school, so she is 2 and a half years younger than me. The catch is that she was visiting her cousin (a friend of mine) when we met and she is from Michigan and I live in Seattle. I had never met anybody like her before, the minute I saw her I knew she was the one, and the same for her. Over the next few weeks we spent all of our time talking online and I stayed at her cousin's house for a week (since her cousin lived a few hours away from me). While I was staying at her house, K and I decided that we should go ahead and start a long distance relationship. The age difference was of no consequence to either of us, the only problem was the dstance. A few months into the relationship we hit a rough spot, the distance was wearing her down, and weren't together for a period of a few months, and she began seeing someone else and it tore me apart. That did not work out and a few months later she came to visit me and we were together in a relationship again. Fast forward to today. It is my Senior year of college, and her Freshman year at a school in Michigan. It was always our plan that she would either come to school out here or after I was finished I would move to Michigan so we can have a much closer relationship. Due to financial complications (she has had a somewhat trying family experience growing up) and scholarship limitations she had to attend school in-state. That was ok with me, as I knew that we would be together soon as it was my last year and as soon as I graduated I would be driving over there with all my worldly belongings in tow to start a new life with the girl of my dreams. Unfortunately, it seems that that dream is in danger of not happening. K told me a few weeks ago that she feels that the relationship is more of a 'fake' relationship than a real one, and she was young and wanted to experience more in her life and concentrate on her schoolwork and career (her family life before really instilled in her a sense of unique personal ideals which I honestly and truly admire and respect) and that she feels that it would be in our best interest to test the waters with dating other people until we can be together. The stipulation is that these relationships will be non-sexual, which is something that I want as the thought of her dating other people, let alone sleeping with other people, is almost too much for me. We were each other's first and only sexual partners. This honestly came out of absolutely nowhere. I had no idea that she was holding these feelings in and the fact that they were just piled on me is what probably hurt me the most. She has hardly any time to talk to me nowadays as she goes to school full time, works, and wants to socialize with friends, and to put it bluntly I feel absolutely abandoned. She was the first person I felt comfortable opening up my feelings to and letting my guard down for, and now she barely talks to me, and when she does it's always rushed. The past two years I have been there for her mentally and emotionally, I just can't be there physically and it honestly hurts knowing that the one thing that's tearing us apart is the one thing that is impossible for me to rectify at the moment. I'm angry that now that she has some independence she has left me out in the cold when I supported her bar-none for the past two years out of many emotionally sticky situations. I apologize for the length of this post but I have been dealing with this for the past two weeks and I'm honestly no better off than the first moment she told me, and it feels good to put my feelings out in a medium where I can get some assistance and relief. I guess the point of all of this is that I am wondering if anyone has been in a situation like this before and how they dealt with it. I honestly am not interested in trying to go out and date other people while K is still in the picture, I just wouldn't feel right doing it. She tells me that she loves me and that I have nothing to worry about and that she believes it is fate and destiny that we will be together, and I love her with all my heart but I can't help but get the feeling that she is trying to spare my feelings and decrease the amount of hurt she inflicts, which ironically is not what I want at all, I would much rather have her tell me straight up what is going on so if necessary I can just move on and forget about this situation. Thank you to anyone who actually reads all of this, I didn't mean for it to be this long and rambling but all of this has been swimming around my head for the past few weeks and I desperately want to get it out. Thank you TFP for any advice you may give, you guys are great.

10-10-2005, 02:39 AM	#11 (permalink)
amonkie Drifting Administrator Location: Windy City	With long distance relationships, the day to day contact and activity does not exist in the same way - with you gone, she could still talk to you and have your relationship, but she "did" things with her other friends - all the socializing it sounds like you resent because it takes time away from the two of you. My personal interpretation is that you being almost done, and willing/ready to move there means that your relationship would ultimately move to a higher level ... and it appears she is either not ready for that or is not interested in pursuing that, right now. The world of college is soo much different than high school... and ultimately, if you want what is best for her, give her the freedom she requests with no strings attached. __________________ Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

10-10-2005, 05:14 AM	#12 (permalink)
dlish Currently sour but formerly Dlishs Super Moderator Location: Australia/UAE	the 'lets just be friends" talk always means trouble. This basically means your screwed and she's off doing what college kids do..its the truth. look on the bright side... u may have lost 1 girl, but now you have a few billion to choose from... get on with your life...(but no you dont have to cry to get on with your life... ) __________________ An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay? - Filthy

10-10-2005, 05:26 AM	#13 (permalink)
Aladdin Sane Degenerate Location: San Marvelous	It's time to move on. She's ready to explore, and there's nothing you can do to change her mind. It's time for you to come to grips with this reality. She's checking out. Period. Move on. __________________ Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.

10-10-2005, 06:05 AM	#14 (permalink)
Poppinjay You had me at hello Location: DC/Coastal VA	It sucks, zensheep, but it's not an unfamiliar pattern. She was a girl dating a college man, now she's a college woman. The status has changed substantially. I'm sure you trusted her deeply, and were completely blindsided by this, but in the end, she was a kid. When she officially entered adulthood and the college world, the choices suddenly become endless. So many young women entered my school as freshman, initially turning down guys because they "have a boyfriend back home". To my knowledge, not a single one of those women stayed faithful. One married the boy back home, and didn't stay faithful. Part of why this sucks for you is that you didn't get to do the whole college dating scene. At least you have a year left. What happened is a loss, and it sucks right now. It will continue to suck as long as you hope for reconciliation. It's not your fault, nor is it hers, she's doing what college kids do. Consider this romance over, and work on having some fun for yourself. __________________ I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

10-09-2005, 09:48 AM	#2 (permalink)
analog Banned	She's in college, and college is the time when you want to be able to let loose and have fun. With you being so far away, that kind of makes it so that she can't even have fun with you, so she's extending her reach a little. Could it work out? Maybe. Will it? Honestly, likely not. It seems you had a fairly typical "high school romance" and they don't always work out. She's never experienced anything outside of you and wants to "see the world", so to speak. If this is a serious "just a break" thing, the communication will continue. If the communication starts waning between you two, I have to honestly say that it might be the start of the end. Take heart, though, there are many women in this world, as i'm sure you've noticed- and no matter how "the one" this girl felt, you will find another who will feel even more "right". It's life, man. Its unpredictability is part of its charm.

10-09-2005, 06:09 PM	#3 (permalink)
hrandani Insane	I'm really sorry, buddy. But it sounds like she was just using you for status, or as an emotional dumping ground, or something. Because if that's the way she feels she doesn't really love you. Because you clearly were willing to put your life in her hands while you were in college, but she's not willing to return the favor. It's tough, but them's the breaks, and you got fucked. Try not to be too bitter. It sounds like you are a great deal more mature than she is. Perhaps it would be wise to attempt to meet some older girls.

10-09-2005, 06:22 PM	#4 (permalink)
ursae_ Upright Location: In the land cows and clouds	Being in a long distance relationship, i can slightly relate to your problem, except i feel no need to explore other relationships, and neither does my lover. That she does is not wrong, however. She's young, and has probably never felt this independence before. It's possible that after exploring the college scene she may return to wanting a relationship, but the chances of her liking it, and sticking with it for some time are just as big. While she is exploring herself and her new surroundings, you may be stuck alone, so i say you get out there and do some exploring yourself. Who knows, you may find somebody just as, or even more compatible, because from what i read, she has changed quite a bit from who she was when you met. I don't belive in relationship 'holds', so that is my advice. I think they just bring more needless distress. If some time from now she returns to you, make sure you're not still bitter about this, because potentially that could eventually tear you two apart.

10-09-2005, 06:24 PM	#5 (permalink)
ursae_ Upright Location: In the land cows and clouds	oh, and p.s. you shouldn't get back with her. If she loved you, she wouldn't have done this to you

10-09-2005, 07:02 PM	#6 (permalink)
optik_nerve Psycho Location: Florida	I couldn't agree more with Analog. If you love her, let her go and if she comes back, than it was meant to be.

10-09-2005, 07:23 PM	#7 (permalink)
alliNYC Upright Location: Queens, NY	I feel your pain on this one. To be blunt, this is pretty much a done deal. She is starting college, she is ready to experience new things, explore the unknown. You and her are unfortunately in 2 different places.

10-09-2005, 08:04 PM	#8 (permalink)
zensheep Crazy Location: Seattle	Thank you guys so much for your replies. I know that most likely my best course of action is just to cut it off and stop all communication for a while and get my life in order but that of course is much easier said than done. Either way I go about this I'm going to end up feeling like complete shit, and I guess it's the romantic in me that refuses to give up. I am willing to work as hard as hell to get this right as I truly want this to work out. I do believe her feelings for me are true it's just the timing in our life for this to happen couldn't have been worse. Thanks again for the help guys!

10-09-2005, 08:11 PM	#9 (permalink)
dirtyrascal7 That's what she said	Break-ups are always tough, but it really sucks when one person is completley blindsided. The fact that she's essentially abandoning you means that she's been wanting out for a while, but it was easier just to keep the charade going until now. And now that she is out, she doesn't want to face you because there's a part of her that feels guilty... she's simply taking the easy way out. What you need to do now is let go. She's already moved on and is trying to find someone to fill the roles you played for the past 2+ years... I suggest you do the same. I know it sucks to think about how much you poured into this relationship, seemingly all for nothing now... but there's always something to be learned from situations like this. Take time to reflect, then get on with your life... don't make things overly complicated.

10-09-2005, 11:50 PM	#10 (permalink)
mandy Addict Location: Port Elizabeth, South Africa	so dont look at it as a break up.look at it as a chance to try out new things.i can honestly say that i dont know what i would do if my bf wanted a break or put our relationship on hold but i can only hope that i'll beable to see it as a chance to start afresh. trust me i understand that you must be feeling you cant go on because all you've known for the past two years is her. trust me it's not going to be easy and you've got to cry about it, its the only way you can get over it. it's the only way you can truley move on.And, the one thing you shouldnt do is hold grudges, lifes to short for that plus frowning all the time gives you wrinkles. take your time in getting over this, feel sorry for yourself a little bit just not too much:-)but also, dont take too long. because, in the end, you did learn from her and in turn she learned from you. use this as an opportunity to use what you have learned in trying to find happiness with someone else. my bf and i were going through a rough patch and in fact still are but working through it and one time we were chatting about me in the depressive state that i was in because of him being away from home working and stuff, it was hard and still is for me to accept sometimes but he told me , and this is something i will always remember, "you've got to be happy as an individual before you can be happy with someone" it has stuck with me ever since and i just thought i'd share that with you. i wish you good luck on your journey to happiness and hope you come out on top and find what you need and what you deserve.

10-10-2005, 06:39 AM	#15 (permalink)
zensheep Crazy Location: Seattle	Well I bit the bullet and told her that I can't continue on in this pseudo relationship/friendship limbo and just sit by and watch her 'explore' while I wait to see if things work out. I laid it down straight as to how I felt about being abandoned and she was surprised that I felt that way, (I have no idea why, I've mentioned it in the past few weeks) and then she got upset that this was how I felt and that we were losing our friendship. Since it was extremely late when we talked about this, which in hindsight I should have waited for a better time, she had to go to bed and that's really all that was said. So now here I am the next morning wondering if I did the right thing. I want to have a friendship with her and I want to be with her in the end, but I know I'm mature enough to sit by and watch her date other people without me turning into a wreck. I've done it before and it wasn't fun.