Adult Science Jokes

Three men—a mathematician, a biologist, and an engineer—are discussing their love lives.

The mathematician starts off talking about how much he loves having a wife.
She takes care of him. She always there for him. She's so constant, just everything he could want.

But the biologist disagrees. "What you really need is a mistress," he says.
"My wife is boring, but my mistress always makes sure there's something new and exciting going on."

Those two argue back and forth for a little while until, finally, they ask the engineer to break the tie.
Which is better, a wife, or a mistress?

"I like having both," says the engineer...
"That way, one of them always assumes I'm off spending time with the other one,
and I can go into the office and get some work done."

 

The bad news is that the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Amoebas is shrinking. The good news is that none of the amoebas has lost any of their members...

 

For you German Psychoanalyst fetish freaks out there....
in a thick comedy accent...

Vat ist between sex und fear?
fünf!

 

One day after sleeping badly, an anatomist went to his frog laboratory and removed from a cage one frog with white spots on its back. He placed it on a table and drew a line just in front of the frog. "Jump frog, jump!" he shouted. The little critter jumped two feet forward. In his lab book, the anatomist scribbled, "Frog with four legs jumps two feet."

Then, he surgically removed one leg of the frog and repeated the experiment. "Jump, jump!" To which, the frog leaped forward 1.5 feet. He wrote down, "Frog with three legs jumps 1.5 feet."

Next, he removed a second leg. "Jump frog, jump!" The frog managed to jump a foot. He scribbled in his lab book, "Frog with two legs jumps one foot."

Not stopping there, the anatomist removed yet another leg. "Jump, jump!" The poor frog somehow managed to move 0.5 feet forward. The scientist wrote, "Frog with one leg jumps 0.5 feet."

Finally, he eliminated the last leg. "Jump, jump!" he shouted, encouraging forward progress for the frog. But despite all its efforts, the frog could not budge. "Jump frog, jump!" he cried again. It was no use; the frog would not response. The anatomist thought for a while and then wrote in his lab book, "Frog with no legs goes deaf..."

 

A man, complaining of headaches, goes to a hospital for a series of diagnostic tests.
The doctor afterwards examines the results of a brain scan and tells the patient, "I have bad news and good news for you...

The bad news is that you have a serious brain disease and will die without treatment.
The good news is that this facility has developed a new procedure for brain transplants
and due to a car accident this morning two 'fresh' brains are available:

One is from a taxi driver and the other is from a scientist.
The brain of the taxi driver costs $225,000, while that of the scientist is only $29.95."

Puzzled, the patient asks, "Why is the scientist's brain was so much cheaper?"
The doctor replies, "It's used."

 

An engineer, physicist, and mathematician are all working in their offices late at night,
when fires spontaneously erupt in each of their trash cans.

The engineer rushes to his feet, looks at the trash can, estimates the amount of water needed to extinguish it, fills a bucket, and puts the fire out.
Then the engineer packs his briefcase, turns the lights off, and leaves.

The physicist also looks at his trash can, does a brief calculation to determine the amount of water needed, fills a bucket, and puts the fire out.
Then he packs his briefcase, turns the lights off, and leaves.

The mathematician turns and looks at his trash can, pulls out his notepad,
and writes an elegant proof showing exactly how much water would be needed to put the fire out (for any geometry trash can).
Then he packs his briefcase, turns the lights off, and leaves.

 

A scientist who enjoyed considerable success during the first half of his life was eventually knighted.
His name was Sir Ramick.
Unfortunately, he developed a mental illness in his early fifties in which he had a split personality:
he was a scientist most of the time and a murderer during brief "bad periods".

During his first "bad period", he got into an argument with a taxi driver over the amount of a fare and sliced the driver's throat.
He went to jail, was prosecuted, found guilty and placed on death row.
On the day of his electrocution, the executioner asked Sir Ramick if he had any last requests.
He responded, "I would like to eat 10 bananas before I die."
It seemed like a harmless request and so Sir Ramick was granted his wish.
He promptly ate 10 bananas and said confidently, "Put me in the chair now."
When the executioner flipped the switch, nothing happened...

Now, in the country where Sir Ramick resided, there was an unusual law that said
if the execution of a death-row inmate fails due to an act of God or any other reason then he should be set free.
Sir Ramick happily left the execution facility and went home to work on a new science project.

A month later, he went for a walk during a beautiful evening lit by a full moon.
Unfortunately, his bad personality emerged. He grabbed a teen-aged boy and threw him into a wide river.
The boy was found dead the next day and Sir Ramick was again imprisoned.

On the day of his execution, he again requested to eat ten bananas and again the electrocution apparatus failed to kill him.
He exited the facility smiling.
Two months later, the scientist went to church and shot a nun. The community was in an uproar.

How could such a violent man be allowed to roam the streets, the citizens complained.
They signed a petition to repeal the execution loophole law but it would be at least six months before the government would be able to respond.
In the execution facility, Sir Ramick met the executioner for a third time and requested to eat 10 bananas as before.

Knowing that Sir Ramick was a superb scientist, the executioner suspected that the scientist somehow was using his scientific knowledge to escape death. After a discussion with other members at the execution facility, Sir Ramick was granted his wish to eat 10 bananas for a third time.
And again, the machine failed to kill him when the switch was flipped.

Just before going out the facility's main entrance, the executioner approached Sir Ramick and asked him,
"I need to know what's going on. Is it the bananas?"
To which, the scientist replied, "No, I'm just a bad conductor."

 

Confucius's once said, "When you breathe, you inspire, and when you do not breathe, you expire..."

 

This is supposed to be an Adult Science Joke thread, so I have a question for you...
What is "IT"???

Astronomers do IT all night.
Chemists do IT by bonding.
Newton did IT with force.
Eighteenth century physicists did IT with rigid bodies.
Maxwell did IT with magnetism.
Volta did IT with a jolt.
Watt did IT with power.
Joule did IT with energy.
Ohm did IT with resistance.
Pascal did IT under pressure.
Hooke did IT using springs.
Coulomb got all charged up about IT.
Hertz did IT frequently.
Boltzmann did IT in heat.
Ampere let IT flow.
For Franklin, IT was an electrifying experience.
Edison claims to have invented IT.
When Richter did IT, the Earth shook.
For Darwin, IT was natural.
Freud did IT in his sleep.
Mendel studied the consequences of IT.
When Wegener did IT, continents moved.
Classical physicists do IT in perfectly uniform harmonic motion.
Heisenberg was never sure whether he even did IT.
Bohr did IT in an excited state.
Pauli did IT but excluded his friends.
Schrödinger did IT in waves.
Bose did IT with partners.
Einstein did IT on a curved surface.
Oort did IT in a cloud.
Hubble did IT in the dark.
Watson and Crick got all wound up about IT.
Cosmologists do IT in a big bang.
Theorists do IT on paper.
Wigner did IT in a group.
Richter and Ting did IT with charm.
Astrophysicists do IT with young starlets.
Planetary scientists do IT with Uranus.
Electron microscopists do IT 100,000 times.
Feynman did IT in fields.
Hawking wrote a brief history of IT.
And supersymmetric theorists do IT with sleptons.



So, the answer of IT is Science, of course.
Well, what did you think it was??

/personally, I'm like Bohr...

 

When Jay Leno went J-walking and asked pedestrians biology questions, he discovered some amazing new facts about life:

Jay Leno: "How does blood circulate in the human body?"
A high school cheerleader: "I not exactly sure. Does it go down the right leg and up the left?"

Jay Leno: "Can you name the three kinds of blood vessels?"
A freshman at UCLA: "Yes. Arteries, veins and caterpillars."

Jay Leno: Where is the alimentary canal located?"
A high school dropout: "Is it at the border of New York State and Canada?"

 

Q. What does DNA stand for?
A. National Dyslexics Association...

 

Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.







BTW, I love this...as they say, gotta million of them...
But I'd say...there are two challenges with these funnies.
First, the editor, it doesn't like certain formatting.
Second, making sure there are no repeats...yours or anyone elses.

 

At NIH (National Institute of Health), there is a sign on the door of a microbiology lab that reads "STAPH ONLY!"

 

Mathematicians' pickup line...no wonder they get all the chicks.

Hey baby, want to integrate? I'd love to be the area under your curves.

 

Q: What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome?
A: Pull down its genes...

 

A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician were asked to watch a house for a month and report their observations...

A week passes and no one is seen going into or out of the house.
The next week, one person is observed entering the house.
The next week, two people leave the house together.

The biologist says: "Oh, well they must have procreated!"
The physicist says: "Our initial observations must have been incorrect!"

And, the mathematician says: "If one more person enters that house, it'll be empty!"

 

The wives of the American Society of Otolaryngologists have a cute saying: "The way to a man's stomach is through his esophagus..."

 

A malacologist was chilling at home drinking a beer and watching Adventure Time.
There was a knock at his door & he irritatedly stood to answer it...

On his porch was a haplotrema vancouverense.
"Can I borrow your phone?" Piped up the snail.

"Fuck no." Said the scientist, kicking the snail off his porch.

TWO YEARS later the scientist was at home chilling out, drinking a beer and watching Regular Show.
There was a knock at his door...

It was the very same haplotrema."What the fuck was that about???"