Alcohol and teenagers. When parents let kids drink.

TFP parents, I'm curious as to your thoughts, policies, and opinions when it comes to letting teenagers drink under supervision. The thought was sparked by someone I know letting their kid attend an after prom party where alcohol was served by the host parents in a somewhat controlled environment.

I'm curious as to what the various opinions are to this going on. I can see some arguments for each side.

On the pro side, I can see some benefit in having a teenager's early exposure to alcohol be under the supervision of adults. You could control the intake, make sure they don't drive, make sure they don't drink so much they get drunk/sick/whatever limit you set. There are also some reasonable controls you could put in place, like taking keys away, agreeing beforehand that no one who drinks leaves until morning, or whatever other limits the parent wants to set. It would also allow some open and honest communication about responsible use of alcohol, proper limits, the effects, and give some experience in handling it.

On the negative side, if the amount of alcohol they are allowed to consume is enough to cause inebriation, you could be setting them up for some negative habits, maybe even dangerous ones. Despite whatever rules you set, they could be broken, especially when we are talking about hosting a group of teenagers who are all drinking. A quick google search will lead you to many stories of parents hosting parties like this where it ended in tragedy, even when they tried to place controls on the party. In many places this also opens the parents up to huge legal liability, including prison. Let alone how someone would feel if they hosted a party like this and something horrible ended up happening.

When I was growing up my parents never really allowed us to have alcohol as kids. Maybe a handful of times I got to taste a beer or a drink, but I can't remember ever being given one of my own. My parents would occasionally have a drink or some drinks in front of us, but it wasn't a daily or even weekly thing. I never remember seeing either of my parents drunk (though I saw a few other relatives drunk). There were a few times that drinks were snuck at parties or when with older friends, but I was never one of those kids who went out and got drunk on the sly.

I moved out before I was 21, and there were a handful of times I was around my parents after I left home but before I was 21 where I had a drink, or a couple of drinks, and they never really objected. My dad did tell me once to be very careful even having a single beer and driving before I was 21 due to "zero tolerance" laws that meant a 20 year old driving with ANY alcohol in their system would be charged with a DUI. Though they had no moral objection to drinking, I couldn't imagine them ever hosting a party for drinking while I was underage. I don't know of any of my friends' parents who did either.

I'm curious, what do/did TFP parents do?
For those with small children, what do you plan to do?
What do you think is reasonable?

 

We have a young adult who lives in our home. She is 20 years old. So I kinda do have a little experience with this topic. I sometimes pour her a glass of wine. Only on especially difficult days. We are her host family, and according to the policy of the agency that secured her visa, we are permitted to legally provide her with alcohol, as we would our own child.

My husband won't give her any alcohol. He doesn't purchase any for her. He doesn't hand her one of his beers. He counts his beers to make sure she's not getting any (she hates beer anyway, so it doesn't matter). He assures me he will do the same with our children.

Hubby drank alcohol as a young teenager, his friends' parents gave it to him, and it was readily available in his home. He considers himself a borderline alcoholic, and definitely is predisposed to alcoholism because his family has a bunch of Irish Catholic drunks. When he is buzzed, he occasionally tries to give our daughters sips of alcohol. I am very opposed to this. I ask him not to. He responds with "mom says no" and that's that. Our 3 year old may have had a sip or two of beer because of this habit of his, but it hasn't been when I've been home. He knows I don't want them touching the stuff until they're older. He thinks that they'll somehow consider alcohol a "forbidden fruit" if they're not allowed to drink it. I only see that being the case if they're constantly in social situations when others are allowed to drink and they are denied the privilege. At age 3 and under 1, I don't think they're old enough to really pick up on this kind of social pressure.

I was raised in a home that had zero alcohol. I had zero interest as a teenager to engage in any social activities in which alcohol might be present. My first sip of alcohol was after I was 21. I don't drink often. When I do, it's no more than 1 glass of wine. I have a very low tolerance for alcohol. 2 sips is enough to get me buzzed. 1 glass gets me plastered. I don't find alcohol pleasurable in any way. I do sometimes take 2 sips of wine to help me sleep at night. I can count the number of times that I have consumed alcohol in a bar or a restaurant on one hand. I only drink when I'm surrounded by people that I truly trust. I don't understand why it's such a big thing in our culture. I have no issue letting go and being myself in the absence of alcohol. I enjoy spending time with a bunch of buzzed friends. I'm perfectly content being the designated driver.

When I was in college, I may or may not have purchased beer for minors. I lived in a co-op. Beer was purchased for parties. Sometimes I would make that purchase. At these parties, I would actively hand out soda pop to people who I knew were under age, and I didn't drink myself.

 

My dad's family is European, so I grew up being able to drink on special occasions. Most of my early experiences with alcohol were supervised by my parents, but they never supplied alcohol to my friends when we were under 18. Once I was over 18 and in college, my mom bought me bottles of liquor to take back to college with me, but I was responsible for any consequences of sharing with others. I took it as a serious privilege.

Now that I'm over 21, I absolutely do not ever share with minors, and that has been the case since I turned 21. Something like furnishing would have very serious consequences for me.

I think it's reasonable to allow teens to consume a glass of wine or beer with a nice dinner like I was allowed to do, but I personally would never supply alcohol to anyone besides my own children, as doing otherwise is outside of the scope of the law in my state, and I would not want to risk my career.

 

21 seems like kind of a ridiculous place to draw the line to me. Here in Ontario it's 19 and I even think that's a bit high. 16 would be fine by me but 18 is probably more realistic in the current political climate.

I do think "I will/will not give my kid alcohol" is missing the point a little. I was probably 30 before my mom gave me alcohol but I'd had my fun with it by then. Teenagers getting their hands on booze of some kind isn't really a rare or difficult thing and if you're not the source they'll get it elsewhere.

That's not to say that you should just let them go wild though. The key here in my mind is education. That means teaching them what to do and what not to do, it means setting positive examples for them to follow, it means talking to them about it and helping them make good choices. I very much agree with ZS that it's similar to sex (or any other "adult" subject). You can't really expect to stop them from doing it so you owe it to them to make sure they're prepared for it. Whether or not you actually furnish it for them at that point almost seems irrelevant; though if you're going to acknowledge that they'll get it anyway I suppose there's no real reason not to be the one that provides it.

I haven't really thought about when it will be appropriate to give beer to my offspring. According to the internet it doesn't have a mouth yet so I think we'll have to wait for that at least.