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Annoyances of Parenthood?

Discussion in 'Tilted Life and Sexuality' started by genuinemommy, Nov 9, 2012.

  1. genuinemommy

    genuinemommy Moderator Staff Member

    So, earlier today Baraka_Guru made this comment in another thread. It made me smile. It made me laugh. Then it made me a little nervous.
    Is such a scene inevitable? I mean... surely I will have a choice in what toys we bring into our home, what television we'll choose to watch, what kind of playtime we'll want to encourage in our kids... but some level of chaos must be expected.

    Parents & Non-parents alike:
    What are the most annoying things you can think of regarding parenthood?
    Toys, attitudes, opinions, distractions, etc... here's a place to vent.
     
  2. Baraka_Guru

    Baraka_Guru Möderätor Staff Member

    Location:
    Toronto
    Oh, gg, you're so adorable! :D

    That's what all expecting parents say!

    You know who gets the most say in choices? Kids via the generous offerings of grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, etc., and through the powerful influence of peer pressure.

    Also, have you heard of the "nag factor"? Marketers have, and they're making some serious bank on it. Yeah, I hope you like having your television stuck on PBS Kids for at least a few years.

    Surely you'll have some control, and I'm sure there will be things that are off-limits and other things that have limits, but when it comes down to it, for the things that you think won't cause any harm, the kids will be the ones dictating a lot of what goes on.

    I'll need to come back for this. I have a few.
     
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  3. Borla

    Borla Moderator Staff Member

    As a non-parent, the most annoying thing I see is inconsistency.

    Parents not giving a child consistent and clearly communicated boundaries, expectations, praise, etc. One minute Johnny is told "no", so he screams and throws a fit, which is totally ignored. An hour later he is told "no", so he screams and throws a fit and the parent lashes out yelling, or swatting him on the butt. An hour later he is told "no", so he screams and throws a fit and the parent gives in. An hour later he is told "no" and he screams and throws a fit and the parent starts throwing around threats that they never follow through on.

    Then they wonder why he keeps screaming and throwing a fit, when it's because he's not sure what response he'll get and he's hoping for the best.

    The best behaved of my friends' kids are the ones who have consistency. It doesn't have to be harsh or strict. It just has to be predictable. When Mom or Dad says "X behavior will equal Y discipline" and they ALWAYS follow through, the child learns. And though some are exceptionally rebellious, most kids will learn that they'd prefer to make different choices, which should also consistently result in positive reinforcement.

    The worst behaved of my friends' kids are the ones that are constantly threatened with discipline that is rarely followed up on. They are the ones that are told "no, please don't do that", and when they do it anyway the outcome is random. Sometimes it's ignored. Sometimes the kid gets spanked. Most of the time the kid gets "I told you not to do that" and very little else. So the kid is learning that Mom/Dad doesn't really mean what they say, and they can take the chance on doing what they want.

    I firmly believe that different kids benefit from different types of discipline. Some kids learn lessons quickly because they don't want to hurt Mom or Dad's feelings by disappointing them. Some kids have to have things taken away from them to learn. Some kids need a swat on the butt (not in anger, not excessive, but an old fashioned spanking). But a massive majority of kids will respond if the parent finds which means has an effect and then is consistent in implementing it, which includes both parents being united in their choice.


    -Borla
    No kids, but I was one once, and had pretty good parents.
     
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  4. One of the nicest things gg, is seeing the world through fresh new eyes as you enjoy the sight of a butterfly together, or play Pooh sticks in a local stream. You can capture them in a session of story telling, and your audience will be rapt as you perform.
    On the other side of it, you worry about them for the rest of your life.
    I had a friend whos kid was a horrible brat. I had a large pond, and the little sod kept throwing grass in it despite being told not to. His mum took no notice - she didnt even take much notice when I suspended him over it head down, and told him one more bit and he would be the next to go in.
    Like dogs, children have to be socialy acceptable, certainly not feral.
    One great threat that will work for a while,is that the xmas fairy might be looking in through the window or a crack in the curtains, and would report back to Santa as to if the child has been good or naughty.
    I did tell a four year old I knew he was lying because his nose was growing when he fibbed, so after that he would hold his nose when he lied.
     
  5. mb99usa

    mb99usa Getting Tilted

    Location:
    Home
    As a single-father of 3 pre-teens I can say that no matter how hard you try to be consistent sometimes there is just not enough of you to make that happen.

    As for the most annoying thing I would have to say the noise. I can overlook a lot of things but sometimes it just gets so loud I can't hear the voices in my head...and they hate being ignored as much as the kids do.

    Seriously the most annoying thing is people without kids trying to tell you how to parent. From the outside you can look at a situation and point out 100 things you would do differently. When you're in that situation sometimes the best you can do is just get by.

    GG the best thing you can do is try to figure out how you want to parent and do the best you can to stick to that. You'll learn to adjust to your child's temperament and what they respond best to.
     
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  6. Remixer

    Remixer Middle Eastern Doofus

    Location:
    Frankfurt, Germany
    Baraka has already pointed it out. Retail marketers put a lot of work in the Placement of products directed at kids, in order to maximize sales. Parents may technically be the customers of those products, but the kids decide what they buy. Parents "have a say" only insofar as to decide the budget and age-appropriateness of products they buy for their kids, and that's it. And even then I personally know of many cases where those limits are bent with the right amount of nagging from the child.

    Procter&Gamble loves kids and their puppet parents.

    By far the most annoying thing about parenthood is a specific type of parents who, no matter how educated, skilled or intelligent, believe to have uncovered some deep and unknown mystery of the universe by having a kid, and are ipso facto far superior to all those "uninitiated". It's not the ultimate achievement in the world to knock a woman up/get knocked up, numbnuts.
     
  7. Cayvmann

    Cayvmann Very Tilted

    You can definitely choose the TV you watch and the toys you buy. I did. At least good for my daughter, I still like to have fun, and I love stupid/weird cartoons. Barney and Veggie Tales? Never. Freakazoid and The Tick? Yes. ( I forgot Dave The Barbarian )

    As she got older I let her watch whatever, when her homework was done.

    Noisy toys, you can shut them off and put them up when you get tired. Consistency and rules...

    By the way, parents who say "Well, you just HAVE TO (buy-that, pay-for-that, do-that)" when talking about how they spoil their kids always get a blank look from me, and a "Oh no I don't have to do any of that". I don't understand why anyone believes that there is no option to the norm...
     
    Last edited: Nov 9, 2012
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  8. fflowley

    fflowley Don't just do something, stand there!

    You may not be a parent but you nailed it here.
    Consistency is absolutely essential.
    Also gg remember there must not be a photon of daylight separation between you and your husband on the discipline issues (that is, visible to the children). When a discplinary event is taking place you are a united front. If you disagree about something, do it later away from the kids. (now obviously if one parent has made an egregious mistake or is somehow at risk of harming the child this doesn't hold).
     
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  9. Charlatan

    Charlatan sous les pavés, la plage

    Location:
    Temasek
    I have two kids, one has half moved out and the other is ten. Here's the thing about cheap plastic toys and television. On the toy front, good intentions are often killed by grandparents and friends who come bearing gifts. The best antidote to this is good storage options and a regular routine of purging crap that doesn't get used (best done while one parent has the kid out of the house - amazingly useless crap never gets missed when it's been purged).

    On the TV front, you have a choice to decide when and what it watched. A couple of years ago we did not like the way our daughter was apeing the tween girls on shows like iCarly and Hannah Montana. Canceling the kids channels from our cable package took care of that.

    Others have mentioned consistency. The main rule we try to not break is, don't make a rule or a threat that you can't follow up on and always follow up. My son will tell you his most embarrassing moment was when he was little. We were at a restaurant and he wasn't behaving properly. My wife said, I you don't behave, we are going home. He didn't behave. We packed up and went home. Yes, it was an inconvenience to us. He rarely misbehaved when we went out after that.

    I would argue that the "worst" thing about kids is the way it can stifle your lifestyle. This can be seen as a plus or a minus depending on how you approach it. Babysitting was more than we could afford when we were young (late 20s) and with a kid. Our life of going out with friends changed. We drifted away from many of our childless friends. That said, we eventually made new friends; in many cases, they were parents of our kid's friends.

    It happens. Your life changes. You aren't just having a baby, you are inviting a new person into your life. Remember what it was like to move in with your husband, wife or boyfriend/girlfriend? You influence them, they influence you and slowly you find yourself growing into a new person. It's like that, only you can't breakup with them.
     
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  10. rogue49

    rogue49 Tech Kung Fu Artist Staff Member

    Location:
    Baltimore/DC
    Now this may be incorrect for me to say, since I don't have kids yet.
    But from what's I've observed of cultures throughout the world...it's what you allow your children to do...what tone you set.

    Many cultures and households the kids are relatively quiet and reserved.
    So it gets down to the effort and consistency you put out.

    Now this is easier said than done in this day & age in modern post-industrial nation.

    Frankly, I think parents cater to their kids to a certain extent...trying to make it a world of wonder for their kids,
    or being exhausted from working or dealing with the world...but they aren't going to be hurt by some disipline and restraint either.
    I'm not talking about punishment...I'm talking about letting know "the terms".

    Now I know that children aren't pets...but there can be some relation too.
    My wife who spoils our dogs and caters to them...but they don't listen to her.
    They listen to me...but I'm consistent on what I ask...and they know when I bark or command, I expect them to do as I say.
    Doesn't mean I'm not a softie or don't love, play or cuddle with them ...It means when the adult asks for something, respond.

    And if they don't listen...I repeat it, until they figure it out...I reward the correct actions initially...
    but then I expect the correct action without reward after some time.

    I know that when I do have kids...that it will be the same.
    She'll have difficulty until she explodes...but that's over-reaction. You don't want it to get to that.
    Me, they'll know I say what I mean...and they better do it...otherwise, they'll be told with consistency...they're not.
    And I'll end up being the disiplinarian in the house...which is ironic, because I'm an easy-going casual whatever guy if given the choice.

    Again, please correct me if I'm wrong...I don't have human kids yet...
     
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  11. fflowley

    fflowley Don't just do something, stand there!

    Right on.
    My wife and I refer to this as the Cesar Milan method of child rearing and we adhere to it very closely.
    We learned it with our golden retriever, and have carried on with our children.
     
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  12. greywolf

    greywolf Slightly Tilted

    I love parents who think they can train their children using modern techniques of positive reinforcement and no punishment, with no yelling, and consistency in all matters of setting boundaries and limitations. I have incredible respect for the few who can actually do that, but I sometimes think there is something almost unnatural about them.

    The very psychologists who advocate the use of powerful behavioural conditioning techniques based on positive reinforcement to promote good behaviour and negative reinforcement to suppress bad behaviour seem oblivious to the fact that they are completely out of their league when dealing with children. Nature has made children the greatest natural behavioural conditioners possible. They understand the power of operant conditioning on a cellular level, and their sole target is their parents. EVERY parent knows there is no greater pleasure in life than the joyous squeal of a child at play. Far more enjoyable than an orgasm, far more addicting than drugs, we quickly learn we will do anything to get a fix of it. ANYTHING - spend money, act stupid, lose sleep.

    When a child throws a tantrum, or is annoying us with "please, please, please, ad infinitum", they are training us to give in to them. Because when they are doing this, an attempt by the parent to correct the behaviour becomes not a matter of logic, but an attempt to break a very serious addiction to their laughter. And few of us have the strength to resist that addiction for long. We give in, because the reward is SO GREAT. Take a look at a happy kid on YouTube and tell me you don't feel all warm and fuzzy.

    And I'm not going to touch the feeling of having a baby sleeping on your shoulder... GOD what a wonderful feeling.

    So give in to the chaos, accept that you are being controlled by a higher power, and just try to keep them reasonably clean, unharmed, nutritionally fed, and above all HAPPY. It works. Honest.
     
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  13. Stan

    Stan Resident Dumbass

    Location:
    Colorado
    I'll let you know when I have parenting all figured out. My daughters are in their early 30's and we aren't there, yet.


    Annoyances? They are independent, free-thinking women that are capable of disagreeing and contradicting me on nearly anything. I raised them that way.
     
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  14. Random McRandom

    Random McRandom Starry Eyed

    Other than what has been mentioned

    The single most annoying part of parenting? Grandparents trying to tell you how you should raise/handle your children. Seriously. Get the fuck over it. You get to spoil them. I get to try and undo your obsessive lack of self-control around them and become bad cop so don't tell me what I should do differently. You had your go, let me have mine.


    Kids are kids and while yes, you should be consistent and set your word and rules, you can't smother them to the point to where they have no way to grow individually or in a way that destroys their budding personalities. The world helps mold them - you can keep them from the insane parts (for a while) but you shouldn't teach them to be afraid of the world. Let them explore, let them experiment and then let them fall and run back to you when they don't understand. That is probably the hardest thing I've had to learn but the relationship building just from allowing them to "blossom" on their own has been astounding.
     
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  15. rogue49

    rogue49 Tech Kung Fu Artist Staff Member

    Location:
    Baltimore/DC
    To be honest...I think the hardest thing for me will be giving that extra "oomph" of time & effort to allow them to be free.
    Not that I'm going to constrain them or be a tyrant...that's not my style.

    But I mean the energy and logistics necessary to expose them to things to allow them that roam free in a safe place.
    It's to easy to give yourself 110% to work...they'll suck you dry...and you just mentally recovering, you're zonked.
    What do you have left to give to your kids??

    I've notice that in myself with even my dogs...they take care of themselves, I take care of them,
    but I don't often have the time & mind to just allow them that extra "free time" to go out and about to sniff around...just stroll.

    What am I going to do when I have kids?
    Am I going to be like my grandfather who I respected & admired incredibly...but he was a mystery at the same time...a totem.
    "Don't bother your grandfather..."...and my mother, his daughter, said the same experience..."Don't bother your Father".
    He just did the deed...bringing home the bacon...then just being quiet recovering from the day.

    He was formal and distant...so we as kids were an annoyance to him...likely not just because of his nature, but just because his work was intense.
    I'm up there too...a very skilled driven career...will I end up being annoyed at the kids too...just because I'm just trying to decompress??

    It's going to be a challenge to "kick it up a notch"...just to give them time and a part of myself.
    I worry about that.
     
  16. snowy

    snowy so kawaii Staff Member

    You can do it through positive reinforcement, but that is just ONE of a host of positive discipline techniques. This is the textbook I used in a parenting education class, and I found it gave a good overview of positive discipline techniques, what works, and why it works (research): Parent-Child Relations: Context, Research, and Application (2nd Edition): Phyllis Heath: 9780131596764: Amazon.com: Books

    Boundaries, routine, and consistency. Don't want toys in the living room? Make that clear from the outset. Once the living room becomes a playplace, it's hard to get it back. However, it can be done with the understanding that whatever the kid brings out needs to be put away by the time they're done (routine). When I nannied, we always had a clean-up time before mom and dad came home (consistency). "But whyyyy?" I often got from the older kids. Why? Because 1) no parent wants to come home to a messy house, 2) your parents work very hard, and 3) parents deserve their own peaceful space too. That third one is a part of boundaries. Parents deserve their own space, and kids deserve their own space. Make it clear what the space is for (consistency).

    There is nothing I dislike more than coming into a house where toys are EVERYWHERE (lack of boundaries). I was not allowed to do that as a child; the public spaces in our home were for everyone together as a family. If I wanted to play a game in them, that was fine, but it was to be put away when I was finished with it. I didn't realize it as a child, but my mom had definite rules in place as to what needed to happen when we were done playing, and because it was part of a CONSISTENT ROUTINE I didn't even realize I was doing it. It's the same with kids in the preschool classroom. The routine is never questioned. The kids just do it. They know what comes next, so they clean up after themselves because they know what the expectation is.

    I should note that one of the families I worked for really struggled to establish boundaries with their children, and really paid a price as a result. They found that because there was no understand that their room was theirs, the kids felt able to come into their room at all hours of the night, regardless of their age. They hardly get any sleep some nights as a result. So this is very important for your sanity in the long run.
     
  17. MeltedMetalGlob

    MeltedMetalGlob Resident Loser Donor

    Location:
    Who cares, really?
    The thing that gets my goat is being caught off-guard by incredibly awkward questions from your children...
    [​IMG]
     
    Last edited: Aug 28, 2018
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  18. greywolf

    greywolf Slightly Tilted

    The one textbook that I loved that dealt with parenting was Marcia McBeath's "Little Changes Mean A Lot", sub-titled "How To Change The Behaviour Of Children And Other Important People". Written not because she was a psychologist, but because she had 2 daughters of her own who she was trying to somehow make civilised, it is an amusing account of the real world application of behavioural conditioning for parents. It is full of funny anecdotes that demonstrate her point.

    Didn't work for me, but still a good, fun, book. Maybe that's why I gave up psychology for accountancy... I CAN make numbers behave :p
     
  19. amonkie

    amonkie Very Tilted

    Location:
    Windy City
    My dad said just about the same thing about me in his toast at my wedding. Sounds like you both did something right.
     
  20. Bear Cub

    Bear Cub Goes down smooth.

    Two biggies here, one pertaining to their behavior, the other not.

    1) Time - They're all consuming, and perhaps more importantly, they dictate what you do with yours. Neither LBC or myself have any support network locally, be it family or friends our age, so we're able to go out maybe once a year or so by ourselves when a relative is visiting and can babysit accordingly. She has OCD and I don't trust teenage twerps in my house by themselves, so it limits the babysitter alternatives.

    2) The influence of other children. I crack the whip as needed, so for the most part, junior is a great kid. However, she will come home some days, say or do something, only causing you to stop and go "where the hell did that come from?" A short interrogation later and/or chat with the teacher, and it was behavior picked up from the other kids at school whose parents couldn't give two shits about what their kid says or does. It's tough trying to undo that sort of learned behavior when they're exposed to it daily.
     
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