Are relationships worth it?

I have been thinking about this lately, and some articles were posted on-line in the past few days that I want to hear from people in relationships and any other single people what they think of them. And what are the benefits to being in relationships. Although just trying to find dates is hard enough around here:


View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZGFgE1j8g4s


From the drama and worry of everyday life and issues. To scheduling trips over the holidays. To dealing with my work trips for weeks/months at a time. To me working weird hours (10pm to 2am last Sunday night). And that doesn't even get into the financial problems and costs, (although if she works those money issues are reduced or go away). For example, the healthcare costs are 5x to 10x higher at my company for families vs single males my age. ($44 per month vs $442 per month for a spouse and kids on the better plan that you can use when they get sick.) As it is right now I could probably retire* two decades before 'retirement age' if I was single without kids. Even earlier if I decided I didn't need the house in a good neighborhood and could live on the road as a backpacker, visiting friends and relatives, camping much more, and a lifestyle I doubt any girl would sign up for if she could date someone else with the nice house, stable network of friends, and two cars in a good part of town.

(*I'm not talking about golfing a few times a month, European vacations, and living in Florida during the winter type of retirement here)

Psychologist: Porn and Video Game Addiction Are Leading To 'Masculinity Crisis' - Slashdot
There are a lot of good comments on this story that I can relate to. I can access HD video of millions of different naked women in just as many sexual situations. It is much easier, endless variety, and there is no risk of rejection. There is no anxiety about being perfect in bed and being the best partner she ever had. And I don't have to worry about STDs or if a girlfriend/wife cheated on me with someone more interesting. Now, the modern single females have some problems too. But, they can probably blame it on having horny guys approach them constantly... I only have female friends that are married for some reason.

I actually agree with a Fox News Opinion piece, which is scary. And I'm not sure what is happening.
Why men won't marry you | Fox News

And then even if you do find "the one" partner and get married, the divorce rate is so high that I'm pretty sure I would end up divorced for one reason or another.

And I would worry about being in a relationship where the sex became infrequent for whatever reason. Maybe because you have to ask for permission to do anything sexual and get written documentation now or you risk a bad reputation or legal issues.
“I feel like I die more every day”: The “bed death” of sexless marriage is real, and it’s heartbreaking - Salon.com

There is also no way I would ever date a single Mom and inherit all of those problems and having to deal with kid(s). There are too many childless women out there that would not have to worry about all the issues that come from raising a kid to want to deal with that. I think pets are too much responsibility...

Now, am I perfect? No. I don't live the upper class, easy going, successful lifestyle that I would want to in order to feel confident that I was great; and could feel confident that I had something to offer over other guys. I am just as romantic as Sheldon on the Big Bang Theory (I would never give dead flowers to someone). And I have big problems with trust and past relationships.

Growing old together, sharing life experiences, success in society's eyes, coming out as straight, and hopefully passionate sex with each other are about the only benefits to being in a relationship that I can see. I view most kids as problems and too much work, but I can see why couples get married when there are kids. Do you have any others to add or why this is a bad thing to happen in society?

 

My wife and I have been together for almost 30 years now. We met when we were 30, and married when we were 35.

Well-educated people who marry for the first time after age 25 have a low divorce rate.

 

OP: So remind me, why would a man marry today? No, really. What’s in it for him?

So, I guess all the hullabaloo and justification about gay marriage is just that?!

 

What Cynthetiq said: If you're keeping score, she isn't the one.

 

That's not really true,and you all know that. Dealbreakers,anyone? Criminal records,drug or alcohol abuse, life goals, money habits, sexual drive, personalities. They all play roles. Most people don't write out their pros and cons lists, but they are there. Maybe he has aspergers and has trouble with understanding relationships. I don't always get them. He did specifically mention sheldon from bbt.

 

Out of the items the OP provided to prove their points Aziz is a comedian who was making a valid point but taking it to extremes for the joke.
S. Venker sounds like a 50's scold telling woman to keep their legs crossed so men will marry them.
And the idea that porn and video games somehow replaces sex is for someone who has never had sex.

Oddly enough a number of the woman on my friends list have been posting articles about how they are trying to explain to their parents that they are not spinsters, they are happy being single in their 30's and 40's so it's not just men.
An independent strong, smart woman with high standards is pretty damned impressive to me.

 

Part of the problem we have in this country-- and to some extent, in most of the industrialized world-- is that we don't do a good job teaching people to wait for the right person. Instead, we try to enforce this social presumption that anyone you'd like to fuck is someone you ought to try and build a serious long-term relationship with. But that isn't the case. People need to separate out who they think would be fun and who they'd like to fuck from who would be really good serious long-term relationship potential. The latter can't just be people you find attractive and entertaining, they have to be people who truly match your values (whatever those values may be), and who are truly interested in living the kind of life you want to pursue. They have to be people who are a head and shoulders above everyone else in terms of the things you find most critically important in another personality-- whatever that may be: intellect, spirituality, humor, optimism, realism, empathy...whatever it is. And those people are likely to be rare. Which we need to accept, and just deal with.

Prior to marriage, I was a serial monogamist, who did very little dating in between major relationships. I did a little bit of casual fooling around in between, had a few flings, but was always clear that just because I liked a girl or thought she was hot didn't make her long-term relationship material for me. I waited to have long term relationships with strong, unique, brilliant women, who were committed to working on themselves and helping me work on myself and having a relationship experience that was meaningful and beneficial on many levels, not just great sex and good friendship. These women helped me grow as a person: being with them taught me things about myself and taught me things about how to care successfully for other people. And in between those relationships I sometimes had some naughty fun times with some girls who were nice people, bright and funny and great in bed (or on the couch, or the floor, or the table...), but who just weren't the type to bring out my inner soul. They were good times, but nothing on which to found a serious relationship. And, yes, I did an immense amount of wanking, which I never viewed as problematic. But also never viewed as "replacement" for a relationship, since a relationship is about a lot more than sex.

Part of the price of that strategy of relationships was that I married late: I was thirty-six when Mrs. Levite and I got married, and she was thirty-three. On the negative side, that gave us a ticking clock in regard to children. But on the positive side, we were both mature, and had already done a ton of inner work on ourselves, and had gotten through a shitload of youthful issues. Plus, we made the wise choice-- which I heartily recommend to everyone-- to pre-emptively do a year of relationship counseling before getting married, while we were engaged. It helped us set up a strong and successful framework of clear communication, reasonable expectations, and faith that working on our relationship was a lifelong endeavor we were both committed to. We entered into marriage with a relationship far more stable that most newly married young couples.

Being married now.... I thank God every day for Mrs. Levite. Partnering with her is a wonderful experience, and not only continues to help me grow as a person, but gives me an incredible emotional, spiritual, and social foundation of stability in my life. Plus, I always had wanted to have children, and she is an amazing mother, a terrific co-parent.

The idea that relationships as a whole might not be "worth it" strikes me as ludicrous, but also either emotionally immature or radically introverted. Sharing your life with a person whom you love, who loves you, who is there for you and for whom you are there, helping one another become better human beings, doing the things you love doing together, making a stable life of happiness (even if your chosen mode of stability involves a lot of instability)-- there is nothing more valuable than that. Money can't compare, nor can disposable leisure activities.

 

My opinions on this are complicated, and I find myself thinking "yes, but..." to almost every point being made here.

Now that I'm about to become 60 years old, I have a little bit of perspective on the problem.

Contrary to all the MGTOW propaganda, most guys are better off married than single. Married men have a higher life expectancy than single men. On the average, married men have more sex than single men. Married men, I'm convinced, live better than single men.

That being said, some marriages go horribly wrong. And for certain subsets of men, there are benefits to staying single.

 

I think that even the best puzzles have one or two pieces pieces that had to be flipped upside down and hammered into place to fit or are missing all together, but you know what that's okay.
I remember every year we would get one of those ridiculously hard jigsaw puzzles and the whole family would work on it for months (the worst was a 3,000 piece solid red hood shaped one. Little Red Riding Hoods Hood my ass).
It wasn't the completed puzzle that gave the most joy but the sitting together and quibbling about where things went and making thing work.

 

Are relationships worth it?

Well, if you think you have a chance of having one similar to most people in this thread, I'd say that's a prize well worth striving for. If you think you might end up like me... well, let's not dwell on that.

On a semi-related note, I don't know what I'd do if I had to re-enter the dating world. I'm so out of practice (and my efforts in my current relationship usually get snubbed or laughed at) so I'd have plenty of crash-and-burn stories to share with you folks: