Being prepared

I live about 90 minutes from my father. Speak to him every day but haven't seen him in a few months. So on Wed. I drove to his house and took him to lunch. He's 87 and has had some health issues lately. Some are significant. After lunch we sat in his office and talked. He reached under his desk and pulled out a red box. Written on it was 'funeral box.' In it he had a notebook with all the plans for his funeral, down to his choice of pall bearers. Pictures to be displayed and other instructions. It was a somber discussion to say the least. But I guess one that needed to take place. And typical of my Dad to have it all planned, he has always had a strong sense of responsibility. This being his final responsibility. I will appreciate that he's done this once the time comes. I'll just have to carry out his wishes, not try to determine what the hell to do. It never occurred to me before that this is something that everyone should do, regardless of age. However, I think elderly people are much more comfortable doing this than those much younger. My wife's mother did the same. She had a notebook with all of her funeral plans in it.

Anyone else experience this with a parent? Anyone here actually have plans made for that inevitable day? I don't, I suppose I should. It would be much easier on my family should something happen. And it will someday.

 

My parents are around 70's. They both live in a house, which is starting to get a bit too big (and costly) for them to take care of. That is one issue in itself, when obviously having things to do around the house and living in their own home, is good for their mental health, but it's getting too much to handle physically.

I've been avoiding talking about health issues with my mother. She's been fearing of dying since she was 50. She has some minor issues, quite typical for her age, nothing lethal. My father on the other hand never complains, although he was diagnosed with Parkinsons more 15 years ago, and the future diagnosis was impossible to make. He's doing pretty good with the meds, still has his driving licence, which means a lot.

However, I'm thinking these issues should be faced at some point. In the nearer future their living arrangements need to be discussed. My mother's mother is still alive, maybe not kicking so much, but living in an own small home in a row house for elderly. She has been taken to hospital quite a few times during the past year and we are fearing, she might be getting worse. No doubt my mother is now going through the thought of losing her mother soon.

We haven't even remotely discussed, what would happen, if either my husband or I would die.

 

We (me/SO) have talked about the key points of what we would like. We're both 33, so hopefully there's no urgent need. The kicker would be if we both went at the same time - then nobody would know... Perhaps it's time to write that stuff down.

 

My dad has done some similar things, Craven Morehead. He's told both my mom and I (since I'm the executor). I'm not sure if my brother knows or not, but I expect that he does. My dad, being a West Pointer, has some pretty specific requests, including some bequests to my sons.

There was a time that I wanted to be cremated, loaded into a keg of cheap beer and served to my unknowing guests at my memorial. Unfortunately, I've outlived that particular prank. All you 20-somethings are welcome to it if you'd like. I'm still most likely to be cremated, but I don't have anything particular planned. That reminds me that I need to update my will, though.

 

My stepmother died a few years ago. She had typed her own will and had a few signatures of witnesses on it. One had been crossed off because apparently he died and she meant to retype the will but never got around to it. In the will she named me the executor. The bank didn't recognize the will and wouldn't let me have her money. She had over $6K somebody had given her recently to go on a trip. I had paid the funeral expenses ($5K) thinking I'd get the money from the bank. I was told by others that the bank has to pay the final expenses if presented with the bill. I got the funeral home to issue me another invoice (one not stamped: PAID) and the funeral home got the money from the bank and gave it to me. I thought that was rather nice of them!

My stepmother wanted to be cremated and her ashes spread over the bay where she lived. I bought a really nice $1000 brass urn with her name engraved on it and then emptied it out the next year when my brothers and sister came to visit. So now, I think I'll ask to be cremated and my ashes to be put in the same urn, with my name engraved on it too. Then My ashes can be dumped out and the urn could be like a family Stanley Cup, until it gets covered with engravings.

 

Neither of my parents have made specific requests regarding the handling of their affairs after death - Mom is 58 and Dad is 60, and I'm 33. My mom has told me I'm the sole beneficiary of her life insurance policy and that I am to split it with my sister. I'm not sure she has a will or not. I hope she does - her father died 8 years ago and due to a poorly written will, his estate is still being fought over.

As far as my dad is concerned, he hasn't mentioned any specifics other than he wants to be cremated. He is remarried so if his wife outlives him (unlikely), she may want to handle things. He did sit me down awhile ago and tell me he wants me to care for him in his old age and that he has money to pay for this care. He is terrified of ending up in an old folks home. I should probably ask him about his wishes - he's healthy, but you never know.

 

Having just gone through the passing of my mother in law, I've found that having a living will is not as exact as it sounds. A living will can be interpreted differently by different people. The final say will be up to the named health care proxy, usually the person with power of attorney. Not ever circumstance regarding end of life can be accurately predicted in a living will, therefore whoever is the health care proxy must fully understand the intent of the party they represent and act accordingly. If the rest of the family disagrees with the proxy's interpretation, it doesn't matter.

 

My Mother and I have begun, only just begun to talk about such things. Should have been done earlier. Issues of mortality come up regarding quality of death and the passing; however, the earlier we encounter and discuss such matters, the sooner they may factore in how we generate and maintain quality of life.

I have screwed up big time. It is as if a countdown timer I should have known about for a long time has only been unearthed recently. In fact, I feel quite grim as I say that getting one's one affairs worked out and then discussing then with the people likely to be left behind will not only make things easier for them when the time comes, but will also be a major lesson on the reality of impermanence. On its ... proximity and its inevitability

Craven Morehead, I suppose I'm saying that for your children, it will be an uncomfortable yet priceless gift. It will bring them to face hard-to-face stuff while you are around to help them. When y'all have the opportunity to mull it over.

I suppose I'm reacting strongly at this moment, because I got an extreme 'dose' when I was 21. My father died at age 56. Until the week he died, he had considered himself to be a man of steel - 'immortal', never talked about death, then he was taken with a heart attack and stroke. Not only did I not know how to cope with his loss, but I'd never been taught what it was to 'be alive'. It does look like your family has better communication skills than mine. Thank feck.

Respect and best wishes to you as you DO go ahead and follow in your father's footsteps (prep for your passing and work out how and when to appropriately share)

 

Zen my father is 87, not 56. 30 years ago, we didn't have conversations like this. In fact, I'm 58 and have not discussed my desires with my family. But need to do so.

 

True Im 55 and my dad died 1977. So many conversations did not exist back there then.

 

My father passed this last May. It was an expected all of the sudden shock. By that I mean he'd been in bad shape for years but a new Dr. went through his file and found two of the medications he was on did not interact well. So she took him off one and replaced it with something else. He'd been in a state of dementia and basically bed ridden off and on for nearly two years. Prior to the med change my mom called me and said I probably needed to make a trip home if possible. I'd started making plans then she called explaining the new meds and said he was doing better. Sitting up, talking making sense. A week later I got an e-mail of my dad walking the dog around the neighborhood. I called and spoke with him and he sounded just like the guy I'd known my whole life. About two weeks later my mom called, she was so upset I could understand much of what she was saying. My brother got on the phone and explained dad had walked to the kitchen, tripped on something, fell and broke some ribs. His lungs filled with blood and other fluids. My brother said I should probably come home if I could. The Dr's didn't think he had very long. En-route to Oregon I made it Houston and received the call he'd passed.

When I got home I was shocked to find my father had not made any plans for his service. Prior to being in a poor state of mind he knew his health was slipping and he was the kind of guy who planed everything. I mean this is a guy who planed out his weekly meals two weeks in advice. He circled TV shows he wanted to watch the day he got the TV guide. He often bought a new car every year, when the new models came out in the fall he buy every "Car and Driver" for a couple months. By mid October he knew what he was going to buy and in January when the prices dropped he'd buy it. I'll never know for sure why he didn't plan anything, maybe his own mortality was something he didn't want to think about. I'll always wonder but will likely never know.

I'm 48. My best friends here have a copy of my will and wishes. As does my daughter back in the US. I don't have any grand plans. Cremate me and toss the ashes over my favorite dive spot. Couple charities down here get a % of my life insurance, the rest to my kid.

 

My parents are in their fifties with no health issues.

My mom has, for years been telling me stuff for her funeral and what to do if she and/or my dad suddenly dies. I mean, even when I was 10, she'd say "Hey, I'm updating the will again. Do you still want so-and-so to have custody of you and your sister?"

Lately, she's been showing me where various paperwork is and giving me safe deposit box keys. Last night we started discussing my father's funeral and he informed us that he wanted to be cremated, put in a coffee can, and buried somewhere in the backyard. I'm (mostly) sure he was joking.

I was cleaning out the attic with my mother a few weeks ago and flat out told her that she needed to get rid of more stuff (that she would never use) or I'd have to go through what she did with my grandparents' house a few years back. It seemed to be a good motivator.

 

Our family was living upstairs of my grandparents' home, when I was young. The house had two side attics under the roof, the other one as storage space for us, the other for grandparents. When grandma passed away, my parents got the house, enlargened it to get us kids own rooms. Our grandpa got to keep two rooms downstairs as they were. The attic with my grandma's stuff is still pretty much untouched, since my mother couldn't get rid of anything. There is also still stuff belonging to grandparents in some closets they used to have. My grandma died 30+ years ago, grandpa 25 years ago...

 

My friend who was waiting for death signed a 'no heroic measures' - or living will. His partner was aware of his wishes. The other problem with deterioration is that someone will be taking control, and that person may well not have the victims wishes in mind at all. My Dad wanted to see his brothers and sisters...... but he was not able to go to them, and they were 'discouraged' from visiting him. When he had been put to sleep, the doctor had just left, my elderly and infirm uncle and his sister were allowed to briefly wish the corpse goodbye, but it was staged so there would be nowhere for them to sit. Within a week, uncle was in hospital having more heart surgery. My father had a long slow death, and no control at all over his wishes. His will was changed - you can do that if you have power of attorney you know. He was not allowed to have his chosen visitors - given there is a history of abuse.......... My dad became a victim too.
He hated Python, but that was played at his funeral. Its not just what you want that is important, its who you entrust to see your wishes through, its what is their moral fibre.

 

Wow, just found out an acquaintence passed away suddenly yesterday in his mid-fifties. Made me think of this thread immediately. I wonder if his family knew any of his wishes.

 

Did you know any of his wishes Craven? When friend was ill, I would take her out sometimes, one day we went to the cemetary so she could visit with her mum for a bit. I asked her, do you want to be down here when you pop your clogs - she said she couldnt afford a plot - and until then didnt realise she, her ashes, could be put with her mum. She said 'Can I? I would like that.' She never told her family - but they didnt communicate with her much - just for money like. She spent two days on floor in a diabetic coma once, and they got fed up stepping over her so called ambulance. I told her ex husband, in hope that she would get her wish - they were planning on taking her out on the water and scattering her ashes. I hope they put her with her mum, but I doubt it.
Craven, spooky old world isnt it, that you should start this thread as an aquaintance is dying.