Chuck Klosterman thought questions

I've been rereading a lot of Klosterman lately. I think he's hilarious and thoughtful and I gobble up his writing. I'm rediscovering some pretty interesting questions he asks I want to hear your answers to!

1. For reasons that cannot be explained, cats can suddenly read at a twelfth-grade level. They can't talk and they can't write, but they can read silently and understand the text. Many cats love this new skill, because they now have something to do all day while they lay around the house; however, a few cats become depressed, because reading forces them to realize the limitations of their existence (not to mention the utter frustration of being unable to express themselves).
This being the case, do you think the average cat would enjoy Garfield, or would cats find this cartoon to be an insulting caricature?

2. Your best friend is taking a nap on the floor of your living room. Suddenly, you are faced with a bizarre existential problem: This friend is going to die unless you kick them (as hard as you can) in the rib cage. If you don’t kick them while they slumber, they will never wake up. However, you can never explain this to your friend; if you later inform them that you did this to save their life, they will also die from that. So you have to kick a sleeping friend in the ribs, and you can’t tell them why.
Since you cannot tell your friend the truth, what excuse will you fabricate to explain this (seemingly inexplicable) attack?

3. You meet a person of your desired gender who is perfect in every way except for one quirk/personality: they are obsessed with the Jim Henson movie The Dark Crystal and pepper their speech with references to the movie. Would you still marry this person?

My answers so far:

1. I think that if cats have the ability to read and comprehend, then hopefully they will be able to wrap their kitty brains around humor and parody. If that is the case, then I think they can identify that a comic strip is meant to be a funny diversion, not something necessarily insulting to cats.

2. I would probably attempt to blame it on sleep walking/bad dream/night terror. Anything that makes it sound like it was totally subconscious. Then I would go for the "divert and distract" tactic, where I would apologize and make them baked goods. Alternatively, I would blame a big spider chilling on your blanket.

3. Yes. Yes. Yes. I would quote Labyrinth back, and we would just silently annoy and love each other.

 

1) Part of me stands to reason that if a cat can read at a 12th grade reading level and comprehend everything that comes to them that they'll learn to communicate through various non-verbal means. I would enjoy this heavily. Also, if they can read at a 12th grade level does this mean they can understand their respective languages at a 12th grade level? That could be interesting.
Premises aside, I think it would completely depend on the cat, just like it completely depends on humans and how large their capacity for being made fun of is; there are likely silly animals just as much as there are silly humans. Possibly even sillier.

2) I tend to flail around a lot and do a lot of physically random things, so I could probably get away with saying something to the tune of "I was jumping around and lost my balance and had to fling my leg out to keep my balance" or "I was just trying to gently kick you awake and it came across much stronger than I wanted it to."
Depending on the friend, I might just say "Because I felt like it." There are some friends I could kick in the ribs as hard as I could that would probably not even wake up.

3) I had a roommate like this once, except instead of quoting every line from one movie, he did nothing but speak in memes, lolcats, and obscure movie quotes. Because of this, I don't know if I could handle such a trait, because I knew for a fact just how much it bugs me when someone doesn't have anything original to say. It would probably depend on the degree to which these quotes penetrate their everyday speech, and just how 'perfect' they would be otherwise.

 

GG, I'm dying. Thank you.

And I'm glad you like it! Thanks for the answers, both you and ThePriseInferno

Here's a few more for anyone that's feelin' it:

4. Let us assume you met a rudimentary magician. Let us assume he can do five simple tricks--he can pull a rabbit out of his hat, he can make a coin disappear, he can turn the ace of spades into the Joker card, and two others in a similar vein. These are his only tricks and he can't learn any more; he can only do these five. HOWEVER, it turns out he's doing these five tricks with real magic. It's not an illusion; he can actually conjure the bunny out of the ether and he can move the coin through space. He's legitimately magical, but extremely limited in scope and influence.
Would this person be more impressive than Albert Einstein?

5. Let us assume there are two boxes on a table. In one box, there is a relatively normal turtle; in the other, Adolf Hitler's skull. You have to select one of these items for your home. If you select the turtle, you can't give it away and you have to keep it alive for two years; if either of these parameters are not met, you will be fined $999 by the state. If you select Hitler's skull, you are required to display it in a semi-prominent location in your living room for the same amount of time, although you will be paid a stipend of $120 per month for doing so. Display of the skull must be apolitical.

Which option do you select?

6. Genetic engineers at Johns Hopkins University announce that they have developed a so-called ‘super gorilla.’ Though the animal cannot speak, it has a sign language lexicon of over twelve thousand words, an I.Q. of almost 85, and--most notably--a vague sense of self-awareness. Oddly, the creature (who weighs seven hundred pounds) becomes fascinated by football. The gorilla aspires to play the game at its highest level and quickly develops the rudimentary skills of a defensive end. ESPN analyst Tom Jackson speculates that this gorilla would be ‘borderline unblockable’ and would likely average six sacks a game (although Jackson concedes the beast might be susceptible to counters and misdirection plays). Meanwhile, the gorilla has made it clear he would never intentionally injure any opponent.
You are commissioner of the NFL: Would you allow this gorilla to sign with the Oakland Raiders?

 

Boom.

4. Can he explain why this happens in the way that it happens? Could he teach others how to do so? If not, he's absolutely not more impressive than Albert Einstein. If he can, then he's still not as impressive as Albert Einstein. Being able to change the color/suit of a card is not nearly as cool as postulating the existence of the photon. One man's opinion.
I will admit, though, that having your own personal Bunny Factory would be one of the best things ever.





5. I'd display the skull. I don't nearly have the capacity to feed and care for a turtle, and the threat of losing $1000 is much more of a detriment to having some random skull in your house. Especially if the display has to be apolitical. Plus, $120 a month would be rather helpful.

6. Definitely. The Raiders can have him.
This question becomes more interesting to me if I replace Oakland with xyz team that I really like, and then with a team that I really hate. In my case, it would be the Detroit Lions first, and I would still be all for him being able to play. If he shows promise and can become a major contender, I don't see why not, especially if he would not intentionally pose a threat to the players. If he were to sign with the Packers... sure, why not? Might cause our O-line to work a bit harder to get around him.

 

My answers to the first three questions:

1. For openers, I've been allergic to cats since 2003. If they can read, they will not be able to enjoy Garfield as I will be placing threatening messages all over my house to drive them to become super-neurotic. Payback's a bitch.


2. I will whole-heartedly deliver that kick to my friend, with my "cannot-fail" excuse all ready to go!


3. The question should not be, "Can I handle her obsession with Dark Crystal?" It should be, "Can she handle MY obsession with the movie Glengarry Glenross and my penchant for quoting the movie whenever the chance presents itself?"

 

1. For reasons that cannot be explained, cats can suddenly read at a twelfth-grade level. They can't talk and they can't write, but they can read silently and understand the text. Many cats love this new skill, because they now have something to do all day while they lay around the house; however, a few cats become depressed, because reading forces them to realize the limitations of their existence (not to mention the utter frustration of being unable to express themselves).

This being the case, do you think the average cat would enjoy Garfield, or would cats find this cartoon to be an insulting caricature?

They would absolutely find it insulting and would use this as yet another compelling reason not only to judge us—and humanity in general—in everything we do, but to plot our ultimate demise.

2. Your best friend is taking a nap on the floor of your living room. Suddenly, you are faced with a bizarre existential problem: This friend is going to die unless you kick them (as hard as you can) in the rib cage. If you don’t kick them while they slumber, they will never wake up. However, you can never explain this to your friend; if you later inform them that you did this to save their life, they will also die from that. So you have to kick a sleeping friend in the ribs, and you can’t tell them why.
Since you cannot tell your friend the truth, what excuse will you fabricate to explain this (seemingly inexplicable) attack?

I already have a reputation as an active sleeper. I'd tell him/her I decided to take a nap while s/he was, since it seemed like a good idea, then explain the kicking incident as a byproduct of my recent diagnosis of somnambulism.

3. You meet a person of your desired gender who is perfect in every way except for one quirk/personality: they are obsessed with the Jim Henson movie The Dark Crystal and pepper their speech with references to the movie. Would you still marry this person?

Absolutely.

Aside: I haven't yet seen the Dark Crystal (I know, I know!), but I'm adding it to my list.

4. Let us assume you met a rudimentary magician. Let us assume he can do five simple tricks--he can pull a rabbit out of his hat, he can make a coin disappear, he can turn the ace of spades into the Joker card, and two others in a similar vein. These are his only tricks and he can't learn any more; he can only do these five. HOWEVER, it turns out he's doing these five tricks with real magic. It's not an illusion; he can actually conjure the bunny out of the ether and he can move the coin through space. He's legitimately magical, but extremely limited in scope and influence.
Would this person be more impressive than Albert Einstein?

No. I don't think magic—even real magic—is as unique or impressive as Einstein's brilliance. Plus he played the violin and rode a bicycle. If you ask me—and you have—those are some fucking amazingly impressive qualities.

Yeah, I said it.

5. Let us assume there are two boxes on a table. In one box, there is a relatively normal turtle; in the other, Adolf Hitler's skull. You have to select one of these items for your home. If you select the turtle, you can't give it away and you have to keep it alive for two years; if either of these parameters are not met, you will be fined $999 by the state. If you select Hitler's skull, you are required to display it in a semi-prominent location in your living room for the same amount of time, although you will be paid a stipend of $120 per month for doing so. Display of the skull must be apolitical.
Which option do you select?

The turtle. I love turtles. I mean, I really love turtles. I had some good vibes from the ones I took off the trail this summer during my bike camping trip, so hopefully they'd pass along some good karma for the little dude in my care for those two years.

6. Genetic engineers at Johns Hopkins University announce that they have developed a so-called ‘super gorilla.’ Though the animal cannot speak, it has a sign language lexicon of over twelve thousand words, an I.Q. of almost 85, and--most notably--a vague sense of self-awareness. Oddly, the creature (who weighs seven hundred pounds) becomes fascinated by football. The gorilla aspires to play the game at its highest level and quickly develops the rudimentary skills of a defensive end. ESPN analyst Tom Jackson speculates that this gorilla would be ‘borderline unblockable’ and would likely average six sacks a game (although Jackson concedes the beast might be susceptible to counters and misdirection plays). Meanwhile, the gorilla has made it clear he would never intentionally injure any opponent.
You are commissioner of the NFL: Would you allow this gorilla to sign with the Oakland Raiders?

Sure, why not. Surely stranger things have happened in this league.

 

Martian you made me laugh out loud multiple times. You're the best.
--- merged: Oct 20, 2013 at 11:03 PM ---
Also, I'm so glad this post warranted 3 MeltedMetalGlob pictures...SO FAR. (Please let there be more)

 

As requested...

Question 4: Einstein is still more impressive. The real question here though, is why this magician spends his talent doing useless parlor tricks when he could be shooting for the moon performing great acts of sorcery, such as yanking clothes off of attractive women.



5. I choose Hitler's skull, provided this display is sufficiently apolitical:



6. I say to hell with football. This gorilla is more than qualified to direct Hollywood movies, and for his first gig he can take over Michael Bay's job, as he certainly couldn't do any worse.

 

Bumping this!

Here's a couple more. My answers are still in my brain, to be placed into text a little bit later.

7. For whatever the reason, two unauthorized movies are made about your life. The first is an independently released documentary, primarily comprised of interviews with people who know you and bootleg footage from your actual life. Critics are describing the documentary as “brutally honest and relentlessly fair.” Meanwhile, Columbia Tri-Star has produced a big-budget biopic of your life, casting major Hollywood stars as you and all your acquaintances; though the movie is based on actual events, screenwriters have taken some liberties with the facts. Critics are split on the artistic merits of this fictionalized account, but audiences love it.
Which film would you be most interested in seeing?

8. At long last, someone invents "the dream VCR." This machine allows you to tape an entire evening's worth of your own dreams, which you can then watch at your leisure. However, the inventor of the dream VCR will only allow you to use this device of you agree to a strange caveat: When you watch your dreams, you must do so with your family and your closest friends in the same room. They get to watch your dreams along with you. And if you don't agree to this, you can't use the dream VCR.
Would you still do this?

 

I think cats would be insulted by Garfield. I'm insulted by Garfield. As an aside to that, a couple things. with cats being able to display intelligence it might be more awkward to eat at chinese restaurants. But the fun part would be that the cats knew I was doing it on purpose. It would make a good silent threat to my girlfriends cat.
As far as the magician, it depends on how he developed that talent. If it was just something he realized he could do, then not as big as Einstein. However, if he developed the formulae or reasoning or logic behind it, then I'd have to give him credit for coming up with something that literally no one else has been able to do in the history of the known universe. If you question why he chooses to use it that way and use that argument against his intelligence, then I have a couple suggestions. Maybe he is so far out there that terrestrial concerns simply don't interest him. Not everyone puts humanitarian concerns first and foremost. Maybe he is afraid that his discoveries would be exploited for more nefarious actions.

 

This is an absolute no-brainer.

Anyone that wants to see the first movie is going to be subjected to hours and hours of footage of me sitting at a computer and cackling like a maniac when I'm not moping about the lack of sex and sitting amidst the ruins of a failed career.



If you're into that stuff, fine. However, take liberties with the source material and don't tell me you wouldn't watch the shit out of any of the "Glob Trilogy!"




( I have to tag @Plan9 in this because Colton Rosenbusch is the villain in the third installment.)

 

No dudes could watch that part of the movie though because that would be totally homo.

 

1. I worry that such cats could figure out how to grow thumbs, at which point we are no longer necessary to open cans. This will be our doom.

2. I would wonder how I know such a thing. Am I crazy, or has some deity, which I do not believe in somehow spoken to me in my head? While I am pondering this, my friend would probably die.

3. If she's crazy enough to be marrying me, I wouldn't quibble over the specifics of her insanity. ( this has been proven in real life. twice. I really should quibble more)
--- merged: Mar 21, 2014 at 7:46 AM ---

4. Nope, but at least somewhat interesting to think what Einstein would have made of him.

5. The skull. There's money in skulls, apparently.

6. This is where the sport is going anyway, so yeah the gorilla gets to play. At least we didn't have to subsidize him pretending to get a college education...

 

Time to bring this thread back!

New question:
You meet a wizard in downtown Chicago. The wizard tells you he can make you more attractive if you pay him money. When you ask how this process works, the wizard points to a random person on the street. You look at this random stranger. The wizard says, "I will now make them a dollar more attractive." He waves his magic wand. Ostensibly, this person does not change at all; as far as you can tell, nothing is different. But—somehow—this person is suddenly a little more appealing. The tangible difference is invisible to the naked eye, but you can't deny that this person is vaguely sexier. This wizard has a weird rule, though—you can only pay him once. You can't keep giving him money until you're satisfied. You can only pay him one lump sum up front.

How much cash do you give the wizard?

My answer?

I'd love a chance to see how the other 99.99999% of the world lives. Naturally, in my case it's going to take shit-tons of money anyway.

 

Another question:

Every person you have ever slept with is invited to a banquet where you are the guest of honor. No one will be in attendance except you, the collection of your former lovers, and the catering service. After the meal, you are asked to give a fifteen-minute speech to the assembly.

What do you talk about?
Not much. For starters, the banquet hall would be empty. I've only been with one woman, and since she cares little about anything I might have to say, she would find an excuse not to attend.

Don't fret, because this would give me ample opportunity to flirt with the catering staff!


If I was a superhero in real life, my name would be Ulterior Motive Man!

 

Why am I in downtown Chicago? That's the real question here.

 

I've been reading Chuck Klosterman's book But What If We're Wrong?

I've learned some interesting things from it. For example, the Phantom Time Hypothesis, a conspiracy theory that the calendar was retrospectively changed to add 297 spurious years, from AD 614 to 911.