Content

First things first, let's not confuse contentment with complacency.

Being content.. define it, live it, breathe it be it. Right?

From an early age I was indoctrinated by a perfectionist career Military Father that I should never stop, never fail and never quit. These are great lessons and while they are certainly better than their tragic counterparts, I'm starting to wonder if most of it was just pure and simple bullshit just so he could brag to his war buddies that his son is doing well in life. That's a bit much to swallow even for me, but the thought is still there.

I have a house in a nice quiet neighborhood, I have the fancy cars, I have the hot wife, I have the kids who are brilliant in school and in their various chosen activities, I have my body how I want it (except for drinking too much still). Most say I have everything they want. Now, this is not bragging because quite frankly I feel it's all just bullshit. Sure I used to subscribe to the status symbol religion of Amurika, but what exactly do these status symbols achieve us? Do they just afford us envious glances by other people? If that is all it's for, then I have to think I've been a failure.

I want to be content. I want to be able to look back and know that I actually lived life on my own terms and didn't force myself or my family to live by the judgmental and often flaky rules that society puts into place. In other words, stop and smell the roses every now and then. People used to comment about how much of a free spirit I was..and I've lost that spirit..it's still around, but it's hidden somewhere.

The problem is how does one really achieve contentment. We have talked about moving to the beach or to the mountains and living a slower life. Maintaining jobs that are not pressure packed rat races that afford us our bills and some fun time and just enjoying the scenery and the company of each other and select friends. We've talked about this for hours on end, but we always come back to the same things. If we do this, are we setting our children up for disaster by not giving them the chance to attend that fancy private school (try college tuition type prices..it's brutal) and are we really going to be happy with that sort of lifestyle after living how we have the past 5 or 6 years.

I forget who wrote the poem, but there is a saying that goes: "The grass is not always greener on the other side, rather, it's greenest on the side you water the most" or something similar. We want to be content (but not complacent) but naturally are terrified of contracting the "grass is greener on the other side" disease.

So TFP.. how do you stay content? Is your plan for being content just a retirement plan? Are you just a free spirit who moves about life with no chains? How does it work for you and are you sure you're content?

oh..and any advice on my situation will be noted and appreciated as well.

/maybe I'm just getting old and starting to get Al Bundy syndrome.. aka glory days need to be relived.

 

I wish I had answers. Boy do I. Because I could use a few of them myself. I'm in a little different place than you. But overall I have the same questions as you.

Is this the universal middle age quandry?

 

Everything you think you have worked out can be gone Just. Like. That. I'm living it.

I thought I had a career job, new boyfriend, circle of friends. Next thing I know that life seems almost like a half remembered dream. A month into it, and it's made me re-evaluate how I feel about everything because of how it sets up my next set of choices.

I know once I have my family that I intend to make sure that there is a chance to engage with the world and the people. For me its the making of memories and learning just how big the world is that has forever changed who I am. Of the 60+ teachers I've had over the years, i can count on less than 1 hand the educational system experiences I walked away with that were worth going that track.

I finally had to realize the job status I was in wasn't going to make me fulfilled. I hate cube land. and I hate the insecurity of ever possibly being in this situation again. So despite the stigma of our society in working 2 part time jobs to support yourself, that's what I'm considering doing. And the jobs that I'm going after include working as a sailboat crew for a Chicago Sailboat, and running around as a right hand man for a Chicago restaurant group Business manager because I've never to work in cube land again if I can help it.

Despite all the stress and the financial pinch right now, I feel like I finally have my soul back.

 

I've always been worried about hitting a level of contentment close to complacency, if not complacency itself. And I did have the father/grandfather combo of go-go-go-achieve-achieve-achieve (though it was for themselves, fortunately not directly at me).

I've spent the last couple of years trying to get that goal I was raised to want: marriage, kids, 9 to 5. But I keep dating guys who don't want marriage, don't want kids, and would rather starve than do a 9-to-5er. We just get along better. My last ex has been trying to politely pound into my head that what I was raised to want won't make me happy... and I'm greatly beginning to agree.

However, that leaves me at the point of wondering what it is that will make me content, truly. Which makes me realize that I'm still uncertain as to who I am, who I really want to be and who I think I should be.

When I get there, then I'll think about contentment. Right now, I keep things in the black, don't put myself in view of dangerous temptation, and accept as many offers for experiences as they come my way.

 

GREENER GRASS..................



Sometimes you can reach too far!

And when you find yourself over-extended and you're stuck in a situation that you can't get out of,
there is one thing you should always remember.......

Not everyone who shows up......

Is there to help you!!!!



Sorry, you reminded me of this. Do you discuss things with your children? Would they prefer private schools or more tie with parents who are not working themselves to death with no time for fun, for stopping and smelling the roses. Take it compromising by delegating isnt an option?
When I read how you seemed to have mislaid your free spirit - made me think of Peter Pan and his misplaced shadow - its still there somewhere Peter. Your shadow (or free spirit) may hide on occassion, but when the lighting is right, it can no longer hide from you.

 

Glory's Sun

I fully understand your thought pattern. I may not have done the things you have done (such as wife, kids, settling down), or even half of your life experience; but I spent a significant amount of time a few years ago to thoroughly contemplate where I want to be when I become old. I realize that I'm pretty young, and contemplated at an even younger age but what I found in the 2 years I kept thinking about this matter, still holds true in my thinking today.

While ambitious people (and I'm assuming you are one) often had their discipline drilled into them during childhood and the long-term objectives given at the same stage, we do have to consider the fact that they should be taken as guidelines and objectives in order for us to strive towards it as well as develop the capability and skillset necessary for conventional success.

As much as the given objectives were also our parents' dreams and hopes for us, once the foundations are laid we must develop our own objectives, based on our self-awareness and understanding of what we truly want from life.

I'm not saying you've reached a point-of-no-return, but the fact you have a family as well as fixed and substantial expenses, limits your range of choices much more than, for example, mine.

However, it is my belief you should do what makes you truly happy, content with your life and gives you peace of mind.

Further, consider this: I have been to private schools since the age of 11 in three continents. The quality of education is hardly different, sometimes even inferior, than good public schools. The only thing private schools are good for, is prestige... an entirely useless thing in most areas of life. Instead, I'd advise for you to seek out schools that concentrate on character and competence development of the children.

My parents sent me to one of those. It's called the International Baccalaureate (IB; www.ibo.org; a highly-customized Swiss/UK education programme), and I am still extremely glad I did my high school certificate there. There are thousands of IB World Schools on the globe, and they tend to have the best educational quality anywhere.

Moreover, the IB is widely recognized, and universities such as Harvard and Oxford accept IB alumni automatically from a total score of 38 (out of 45!). The best thing about the IB: The cost is high, but often nowhere near college tuition.

As you can see, I'm a huge fan of it.

 

Thanks for all of the insight and the glimpse into your own lives. To see others who contemplate these things is obviously a help.

So I'll try to address some of the things you guys brought up.

Snowy: You're right about experiences being a great teacher. We try to take family vacations and family things that aren't structured as much as we can. However, we have to balance all of this with the extra-curricular activities that the children enjoy. I'm not going to take those things away from them because they truly enjoy them. My son is in 1st grade and his math and reading skills are at a 6th grade level and my daughter received a double dose of the athletic genes. She's brilliant at soccer already and we're planning on starting her in travel ball soon. So while we try to give the family experiences a good heavy time slot, we have to make sure the kids are still aware of the talents they have.

Baraka: As per the usual posts you make, I'm going to have to digest it a bit before I comment because it's quite a lot of food for thought

Monkie: I've been in your shoes before. I know how bad it sucks when it hits. I'm at the point where I don't care about the toys and the high price tag items. Hell 9'er has a ton more money than I do and he's smarter than I am about it.. maybe I need to be like him. WTF?? did I really just say that? nvm. Anyway, I've lived a great life already and the experiences have been wonderful and I wouldn't change a thing. Good luck to you

Poetry: I enjoyed your post and it reminded me a lot of my own self in all honesty. While I already have some of the things you want.. I'm in that same place of wondering if it's what I really want or need. Going to have to digest that a bit as well.

Chinese: Great post. As far as talking to the children, they are 4 and 6. They aren't going to really know what they want as far as schools go. We spend a great deal of time with them just as a family so I don't think they're wanting in that area. Looks like I may need to change the lighting a bit. That's a great line. Thanks for putting it out there.

Remixer: The school that our kids go to is one of the highest ranked schools in the state and is highly rated in the nation. While it does come with prestige (which is important because when you know certain people, there are more doors available to open) it's also very highly rated in education and there is a high sense of self worth in the school which I think is important. The US school system has continually lowered it's standards but this school has not. In fact, they boast a 100% college acceptance rate among graduates who apply for college. That's unheard of in many schools.

I'm still not sure which direction to go in, but thanks to you guys, I have a lot more to think about. My biggest concern will always be the kids and making sure they have not only the family time and direction and experiences from us as parents, but that they utilize their talents and have a good base education. It's quite frustrating really and it makes it more difficult when facing life decisions, because it doesn't just affect me, it affects 3 other people as well..and 2 of them are innocent in these matters.

 

I get that. I've got similar issues. There's a part of me that actively wants to blow the whole thing up and start over - to the point where I question some things that I do. There's a case to be made that I'm self-destructive in a very big way. I have what should be the dream, but I feel like I'm slowly drowning in it some days. Then the good things pop up, and it gets me through.

I can't be content. It's not in my nature. And it sucks.

 

Sometimes, I wonder if that last statement is true for me as well. Was the military ideal beat into me so heavily that my nature is to simply self-destruct time after time and re-create? Am I just doomed to be obsessive and constantly moving forward to some unknown goal? It's frustrating. If I knew what it would actually achieve I could make a concrete decision about it far more easily. We both know that isn't gonna happen though.

 

I thought about starting a separate thread for this, but I was struggling too much to find the words to let it stand on its own, and it seems to fit perfectly into this one. I can't—at least not right now—come up with the language to make this more universal; you can think of it as a metaphor for whatever fits if you need to.

I'm curious to know which of the following you think you could live with more easily and with more contentment:

You possess a talent that was nurtured throughout your youth. Despite having had ample skills, support, opportunities and resources at your disposal—and a healthy competitive streak to match—you decided years ago against pursuing it as a career or in a full time professional capacity. As an adult, would you rather:

A) Continue with activities relevant to this talent, knowing that your skills are a shadow of what they once were and that you most likely have squandered opportunities to be on par with or excel above peers that had been beneath you in your youth and are now renowned in this field?

B) Have experienced some kind of trauma, loss or life altering event that physically prevents you from ever exercising these skills again and, likewise, prevents you from regretting what you could have been/done/become because it's literally not possible and, by now, completely out of your control?

... Also—and relevant to a discomforting conversation I just had with my partner—if you have kids, do you feel they have been integral to your happiness/contentment/state of well being? If you don't, do you feel that having children would—or is necessary to—increase your happiness/contentment/state of well being?

 

DamnitAll, I can't answer the first part as I have no talent. The good part of that is that I haven't squandered anything. Actually, I'd take the first choice. Go back to what you love and hope for the best.

But on the latter, yes having children has added a dimension of happiness that otherwise would not have been there. That is not to say that I wouldn't have been happy without children, I'm sure I would but having a family added and continues to add a very deep and personal quotient of contentment.

 

Hmm..

I had a talent once. I was a brilliant soccer player and was being scouted by some high level academies. I squandered it chasing skirt, boozing and other things because I thought I was so good I could just do what I wanted and get away with it. I was obviously wrong. Based on the choices above, the path I've chosen falls more in line with A and walks hand in hand with C. While I don't get on the pitch much any more, I pass my knowledge, strategies and techniques along to my daughter and my best friends daughter. They have shown that brilliance that is rare in children their age and I figured if I can show them some things before an idiot weekend coach screws up, they'll have a better chance at making it. As long as they don't pursue the same self-destructive path I did.

I'm content with passing this knowledge on to them. While I'm not coaching them, I'm instructing them. Far too many coaches just coach and forget the instruction. Luckily, these two are receptive to the instructions and they have improved 10 fold and it's to the point where other parents complain because the are simply too good in comparison. On a side note, while it's nice to relive the glory days of my past every now and then, it's not something I dwell on or feel that my life would have been better off had I been playing in Europe. Life has brought me here and I'm content with the people I surrounded myself with.

Kids are a constant flux of emotion for parents. There are times when a parent just stands back and says "why did I not use birth control?" Only to change this process the very next moment to "I am so glad they are mine". I think overall -for me- the kids have been a source of contentment although they wreck havoc with my blood pressure on a daily basis. I'm not sure how that works but it does. The bad part about the parenting bit, is while we are happy with the kids, we are in a constant state of worry because we don't know what the end result is going to be. Are they going to finish college and be a responsible citizen or are they going to get mixed up with a bad crowd and end up on the street with needles poking out of their arms? That's not really to be confused with contentment though because we are content with them as who they are and content in the way we raise them.

I'm not sure if I answered the questions in the way that you wanted.. if not just point it out and I'll try to rephrase. Hopefully, the caffeine will have kicked into gear by then