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Dating a suicidal bipolar gal. Need to end it, but how?

Discussion in 'Tilted Life and Sexuality' started by Anonymoose, Sep 2, 2012.

  1. Anonymoose

    Anonymoose Vertical

    Long post, sorry. I also use the word "Dating" in the title very, very loosely.

    Backstory: "Met" this girl on MySpace like, 6 years ago. She messaged me because she thought I was cute, though she seemed a little weird. We used to talk but then she got a b/f and hadn't really talked since. She brokeup with that guy, we talked again for months but I never maned-up to meet her cause I was extremely shy, then she got another boyfriend and we stopped talking.

    He dumped her 2 months ago, and she started talking to me again. She was seriously, seriously depressed, and me being a nice guy I listened to her and let her know that things will be alright. She mentioned she is bipolar too, but I know nothing of bipolar-ness so I didn't care. She asked if we could meet and I said sure, we can see a movie together (plus I hadn't been "with" a women in almost a year, so I figured at the very worst this could lead me to getting some eventually! Yeah, I have needs too).

    When I met her there, she said "Wow this is great, I haven't been on a real date in a long time!". I was like, "Date? :confused:", but I kept it to myself just to make her happy.

    She's not my type. She seems to have some mental issues along with being bipolar: not smart at all, constantly talks about her ex, constantly talks about herself, constantly talks about how good she would be for a guy, spoils the ending to every movie she's ever seen. Later that night we chatted, and she told me how cute she thinks I am, how she had a really great time, and wanted to see me again. I said yeah, we could, but I told her that I will be moving for a job soon -which is true, I'm just waiting on the background check to clear which could be months - and that I wasn't interested in a relationship. She said it's okay, that she understands but wants to get to know me anyways. She's even said she'd like to eventually kiss me, and maybe more.

    I'll quickly sum up some more story: We've met 2 additional times since then. One time we made out, second time we made it to third base.

    Well, she's infatuated with me now. She says she's the happiest she's ever been and glad to have met a really nice guy for once. She tells her friends EVERYTHING about her and I, as if we were a couple. Her parents also really, really like me; they even baked a cake for me the 2nd time I was at their house!

    I forgot to mention, the gal also told me that she was put on suicide watch and put in a hospital after her b/f dumped her, and she was there for 2 weeks. Kinda whacky!

    Anyways, I don't know what to do now. My goal was to cheer her up and I've done that. I feel if I abruptly end it, she'll be more devastated than ever and who knows what she'll do to herself then. I don't know what to do! :(
  2. genuinemommy

    genuinemommy Moderator Staff Member

    Sounds like a difficult situation. Make sure you tell her over and over that you are not interested in anything serious. She has been honest with you, you in turn need to do everything you can to not lead her on. Encourage the friendship aspect of things, and don't feed her infatuation. If you can keep your hands to yourself, it's probably going to be best for both of you... end / wean her off your kisses... Encourage her to work through her problems in a healthy way.

    Whatever you do, don't reproduce with this woman! Then you'll be stuck dealing with the crazy for a long time...
  3. Joniemack

    Joniemack Beta brainwaves in session

    Reading, UK
    You went to her parents' house!!!!! Twice!!!!!

    You had sex (or whatever third base entails) and met her parents. Bad move if you have no long term or even moderately long term intentions.

    Tell her you need to break it off now as you feel confident you have the new position and will be moving on soon.

    You cannot continue to see her due to a fear she might off herself if you leave her because you will leave her eventually unless you are up for a lifetime commitment with her based on a threat of alternatives.

    Her psychological problems or issues with brain chemistry are not your responsibility. They have doctors and drugs for that.

    Do not. Let me reiterate, do not continue to see her. Do not see her on her deck, do not see her for some sex, do not see her on a bet. What you see is what you get.

    Don't be a fool. End it now, however uncomfortable, rude or inconsiderate it might feel to do so.
    Last edited: Sep 2, 2012
    • Like Like x 5

    I give you credit for being a compassionate guy, but your foot is halfway into a bear trap.
    • Like Like x 1
  5. Borla

    Borla Moderator Staff Member

  6. Zen

    Zen Very Tilted

    Hi - I totally echo the above ..

    And I recommend you simply chew it carefully, digest it AND ACT ON IT.

    I'm not asking you to become 'thoughtless' ... it's just that I think ... I'm not sure ... but I think you've got yourself caught in a paradox, which means no amount of thinking through will move you forward.

    Think of it a very tight knot ... so tight that you cannot even pinch strands to tug and find some 'give'

    You HAVE to CUT this bit of string

    And in so doing so, get to feel all kinds of feelings of having Fecked Up, and Misled, and lah lah however you do 'guilt' and 'worry' etc. Yup, you'll get to feel those feelings BUT also get to move on with your life, and LEAVE her free to move on, or not, with her life *

    And Promise yourself to remember the following:

    In fact TATTOO it to your FOOT, so you'll see it the next time you're even in danger of putting it in your mouth.

    "Anyways, I don't know what to do now. My goal was to cheer her up and I've done that. I feel if I abruptly end it, she'll be more devastated than ever and who knows what she'll do to herself then. I don't know what to do! "

    Dang ... you're new here, we don't even know each other. Please forgive me for my tattoo quip, which sounded like a guest on the Jerry Springer show. Mind you, her Family like you a Lot ... so ... smile for the camera and take off your tee shirt. "Take care of yourselves - and each other"/Springer

    OK, Anonymoose:

    Dead serious again now: here's the cryingly sad part:
    "My goal was to cheer her up"

    If that was your main goal - as well intentioned as it might have been - the UNCHEERING, the "upsetting" was Already Alive in the core of that good intent.

    That's how come it's a knot that cannot be untied, only cut. There were no other strings to it ... no strings that when pulled, would enable it to become a mutual, intelligent, deepening relationship. You kinda knew that from the beginning.

    There was, however, enough surface attraction ... just enough. Oh man ... I've Beeeen there. I wish I hadn't. You are probably a sincerely Nice guy. If you're anything like me, you've gotta learn how to be more EFFECTIVELY nice. Believe me. Whoops. Enough of me.

    ER ... I've run myself dry.

    *Just one more thing, though ..... she was reconnecting with you after each boyfriend. Please bear in mind that the way she is with you might be similar to the way she was with them. You MIGHT be the 'one guy in the universe she trusts with the REAL keys to her soul'. Then again, you might be ONE OF the guys who does and has had the feeling that if they leave her and she kills herself, then THEY'll be the ones to 'blame'. I'm speculating wildly, but trying to create a barefaced possibly true 'lie' that might help you pull some of those strands of the knot JUST enough to Feel Free To CUT IT NOW.

    Good luck, DON'T DO IT AGAIN, and best wishes.
    Last edited: Sep 2, 2012
  7. Anonymoose

    Anonymoose Vertical

    Thanks for the advice guys and gals, and the laughs. :D

    I should add that she lives with her parents (as do I) and doesn't have a car, so we didn't have a lot of options on stuff to do.

    I have been honest with her in that I'm not interested in a relationship since I'll be leaving, but I guess I'll have to reiterate it more. She also already knows that I have the job offer and that I'm just waiting for them to call me in.

    I feel I can't just end it abruptly and not see her ever again from this point on, as she may feel used, so I like genuinegirly's advice the best; just wean her off of me the next time I see her, then just kinda end it afterwards possible. But then again, the general consensus seems to be get away as soon as possible. But I feel that'd be the tipping point and ruin her. I do like the true 'lie' option suggestion by Zen though, if I'm interpreting that correctly. Or just, a lie-lie. Just something that would prevent me from seeing her again but something that she'd be understanding of. I'll have to weigh out my options.

    I do thank you guys for the advice though, it's letting my mind think of the different perspectives.
  8. Borla

    Borla Moderator Staff Member

    You aren't going to ruin her. She had problems that you can't solve and holes you can't fill (no pun intended) long before she came across you. She'll continue to have them long after you are gone.

    95% of the time that I've seen someone in a similar position decide to ease out of the relationship, they are stuck in the limbo of wanting out but being afraid to leave for a LONG, LONG time. In the meantime they end up making both themselves and the other person miserable, and it keeps you both from moving on.....
    • Like Like x 4
  9. rogue49

    rogue49 Tech Kung Fu Artist Staff Member

    ...again, I don't really try to give advise on these on the board...because there's often much left out...besides it's one perspective.

    I look at this way...it's obvious you don't want to be with her anymore...for whatever reason.
    My belief is that I do NOT want to be with someone who does not want to be with me....or isn't even sure about it.
    So for her benefit...it's best to move on...do it diplomatically, do it honestly, set your terms, move on ....and don't friggin' linger.

    The parents are irrelevant...and her potential mental/emotional state may mean you just have to be even more diplomatic...yet firm & clear.
    But this should be true for ANY break-up.

    BTW...don't be a selfish prick and be wishy-washy about it...or stick around for "extra" sex....just cut it off.

    You could use the old "it's not you, it's me" line. And this may be true, but you do owe it to her to let her go.
    This is so she can focus on finding or being available for someone who DOES want to be with her.
    • Like Like x 2
  10. Y'know, Anonymoose, I was not just being flippant. I ran scenarios in my mind about how you might gently extricate yourself.

    I considered what you could say to the young lady, but she's got issues that preclude her *understanding* your intent. At every mention of leaving, she'll start to crack and you'll cave. And every time you see her or talk with her, she becomes more strongly convinced that you *love* her and will never, ever leave her.

    I imagined you speaking with her parents (after all, they are aware of her delicate condition, right?) and explaining that, while they have a perfectly wonderful daughter, she isn't exactly what you are looking for in a lifemate. In my imagination, they faun over you, tell you how fond they are of you and "please don't hurt our little angel."

    I had other thoughts, but it all came back to RUN. LIKE. HELL. It has only been 3 dates. You know that you won't find long-term happiness with this woman. You can't even have a short-term fling... she doesn't seem capable of NOT falling in love with any guy she finds cute and attentive.

    I rarely advocate a cut-and-run strategy, but that is what I see as your best option, young brother. Best of luck, whatever you decide.
    Last edited: Sep 2, 2012
    • Like Like x 4
  11. Stop. Now.

    This could be my niece. Same diagnosis. A very sad situation. Any guy who even looks her way is the next big thing.

    Just tell her you can't get involved as you will be leaving the area. And then break off all communications. Don't think with your dick. Her life is fucked enough without you adding to it.
    • Like Like x 3
  12. rogue49

    rogue49 Tech Kung Fu Artist Staff Member


    Laughs?? I don't know what to make of that word in this context.
    Perhaps you want to rethink your terminology.
    Messin' with someone's heart is serious stuff...and could have consequences.
    Please don't take it lightly.
  13. Zen

    Zen Very Tilted

    I do appreciate that you took me to be be meaning that you should say what you need to say as a means of damage-limitation, but sorry, I hadn't expressed myself well.

    When I said, "I'm speculating wildly, but trying to create a barefaced possibly true 'lie' that might help you pull some of those strands of the knot JUST enough to Feel Free To CUT IT NOW."
    ... when I said that, the 'possibly true lie' was what I was presenting to YOU ... The possibly true lie is the unfounded theory that EACH of her boyfriends gets the feeling that they are the ONLY one without whom she might kill herself etc. That she gives them the same stories and signals that she gives you.

    The purpose of that unfounded theory is that as a possiblity, it may give YOU more room to breathe freely, so you may feel less 'hands-tied' when you GET OUT NOW. Because you know that she's probably turning that kind of attention toward somebody else who, sadly, might mainly want to 'help her to feel better', and the wheel will keep spinning ... but it will no longer be your wheel.
  14. rb123

    rb123 New Member

    Don't stick your dick in crazy. And the longer you drag this out, the worse it will be. As you can already see, in the short term you might be cheering her up, but in the medium/long term, it's going to fuck her up worse than she already is.
    • Like Like x 1
  15. aabbccbbaa2

    aabbccbbaa2 Vertical

    do you think talking to or informing the parents is a good idea before the final break up?
    You're obviously worried about her at the end... maybe informing her parents so they can provide a better catch up might ease your mind?
    Only valid in the case they won't kill you immediately :D
    • Like Like x 2
  16. project #1 - find another poor 'cute and attractive' sucker to replace you and put him in her rader

    Project #2 - tell her you got the job, even if you havent

    Project #3 - GTFO.

    she's broken. not even her parents can fix her. she never understand, but her parents will understand why you had to do it.
    • Like Like x 2
  17. rb123

    rb123 New Member

    Btw, you've only had three dates... Stop getting yourself in deeper, because it can only get worse. I suspect her parents are pretty used to picking up the pieces when she falls apart. Although if they're baking you a cake on your second date, they may be contributing to her issues. In which case, you've got a whole family of crazy, and the urgency to get out is that much greater.
    • Like Like x 1
  18. cynthetiq

    cynthetiq Administrator Staff Member Donor

    New York City
    Why do people think it is a big deal if someone bakes a cake? I mean really. Besides the obvious cake is a lie thing, it's fucking simple as hell to make a cake. So simple you can bake a cake on a light bulb!
  19. Joniemack

    Joniemack Beta brainwaves in session

    Reading, UK
    How about, you're not as important to her as you might like to think you are - you're today's Facebook update in terms of value to her.

    Does that help?
    Last edited: Sep 3, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  20. pan6467

    pan6467 a triangle in a circular world.

    To quote you:

    Bi polar is not hard to look up. HOWEVER, (not to sound like an asshole here) but the BOLDED part of your quote, tells me you were out to maybe take advantage of a woman with some issues, so that YOU could get your willy wet.

    BUT you didn't count on having some feelings, in that you just don't want to walk away.

    Boo fucking hooo (Again I am sounding more of a jerk than I am trying to be.) NEXT time you think, "well I have needs and it's been a year, soooo I'll just use her and dump her." think twice sport.

    Again, to you she talks about nothing but herself, however, you may be doing the same things to her. It sounds like you overlooked things just to get laid. Now comes the time you must pay the piper. The whole suicide thing sounds to me like she realizes something maybe wrong and is trying to guilt you into staying with her.

    I think this is a poor example of what "men" who think with their schlongs do. I was there once, never again. Sex is extremely over rated unless you truly care for the person. My lady friend and I have been practically living together for almost 3 months and in that period we have had "sex" maybe 10 times and most of the time she initiates it. Just being with her and sharing moments of my life is enough satisfaction for me. I went without sex for almost 4 years, in my 20s when I was supposed to be in my peak years. Mainly because I wanted more from a relationship. I just want "sex" and to fulfill "my needs" there's plenty of women in downtown bars that will do anything for $50-100 and there are no other strings attached.
    --- merged: Sep 3, 2012 at 1:29 PM ---
    Not anymore they had to change the "Easy Ovens" due to the new light bulbs...
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 10, 2012