Dating a suicidal bipolar gal. Need to end it, but how?

No.

 

If that's the move you're going to make, then you kow the possible risk that she might be 'agreeing to anything' in order to not lose contact.

Now ... IF she respects the boundry you've set .... ie that you're NOT going to have the kind of relationship where it's right to go to third base ... then it look like you've got a Good Friend, and that your OWN loneliness need not be so hard.

If she still keeps pushing for more, then have you got what it takes to place your COMPASSION for her .. ABOVE your with to not be lonely?

I'm truly asking you to look at these what ifs, and am appreciating that it is not easy ....... I wasn't joking when I told you earlier 'I've been there'.


Fact is, I reckon you CAN work it out. Rogue gave it to you straight. Damn straight and I'll say now, I'm proud to be sharing a forum with him. 'Nuff of that ... You responded to him like a proper warrior who WANTS to solve things properly. You could see his points and appreciate them, and you've been getting the gist of where I'm coming from.

I don't envy you where you're at at the moment, because your faced with thinking through things that are difficult to think through, and reading your posts, I know you've got what it takes.

Only main thing I'd 'warn' you about is your Loneliness and absence of friends within 600 miles. THAT risks skewing the balance of your thinking. It's a factor that will weigh on you, and your job is to put your foot on the other side of the scaled to 'balance' it out of the equation. Concentrate on your compassion, your assesment of possible consequences, and your commitment to keep checking whether she really is going to work at you and her being FRIENDS like you want it to be. THEN bring back the factor of LONELINESS and notice how it COULD skew your thinking, THEN put a mental watchdog at the doors of that possibility, instructing it to GROWL at anything that threatens to compromise or mess up your COMPASSION.


And forget about her vagina, you Thrice-Orgazum-Producing Fingerstud! Well done on identifying the issue as off-topic. True or false, it is a verbal feelgood-stroke guarenteed to make a lonely guy fingerstud feel less lonely.
Feck, If I were lonely with no friends within 600 miles, someone saying that to me would make my day. I'd find it bloody difficult to hold on to my principles, long term wants and basic self-protection.

Good luck as you continue to think this through.

 

Anonymoose,

I'm not sure if your view of the "let's just be friends" thing is simply a less painful and guilt-ridden route out for you or if you actually want to keep her around to have on hand if and when you want something from her. Attention, companionship, sex, whatever.

Let's say it's a little of both. You don't want to hurt her in the short term by way of a clean break and you also don't want to entirely give up what you consider the "perks" of keeping her within reach.

So ask yourself a few questions.

What would being friends with her look like to you? Chatting on line? Talking on the phone? Or would it go so far as getting together now and again? If so, to do what? Go for a walk? Get your finger inside her again?

If you are open to getting together with her in any non-digital way, the jig is up. Forget the "just friends" pretense and call it what it is. A no strings relationship that suits your needs and desires. This is all well and good when both parties are on the same page but it doesn't appear as if that's the case. In this scenario, I would have call you out as being selfish and self-centered.

If you are not intending on ever seeing her again but are convinced that a friendship interim is the way to go, you absolutely need to set boundaries. For yourself and for her because it does not seem likely that she will. I feel fairly confident in expressing the opinion that remaining friends with her is not going to end what she views as a full on relationship.

You need to tell her what those boundaries are.

"It's not a good idea to keep seeing each other" or even texting and calling each other every day "
"We can chat now and then over the internet"

Having this very limited relationship with you will not provide her what she's looking for. She will do her best to leap over those boundaries and drag you back to her side.

You will have to work at keeping those boundaries intact.

The good news is, after a while, she'll move on to someone else who will give her what she wants.

So a friendship based on strict and limited boundaries may help her ease her way out smoothly and save you the pain and guilt in making a clean break.

I don't suggest that this is the right way to go because it's a decision that puts all the burden on you but if you think you can handle it, it could work.

 

she couldnt help falling for you the first time you said you didnt want a relationship, whats going to stop her this time?

RUN! GO! RUN TO THE CHOPPER!

 

Its not friendship if you just seek out someones company because you will be lonely otherwise. You both need to run for the hills. Be honest, tell her her company is okay when the nearest likeable company is 600 miles further down the road. If you fancy a fuck - I seen american pie - take up baking.
Rip the band aid off your knee and throw it in the bin.
I do feel kinda sorry for her.
You could just send her a link to this thread.

 

You know how I know you're not American? ^ This.

 

i know.. i should have checked out youtube first..

my bad


View: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xs_OacEq2Sk

 

As you are thinking through this just remember she does not think like you. Her reality is different from yours. You can not assume to know what she is thinking, what she wants, what she will do. My niece is 30 and I've seen this all before. Her parents live each day in fear of her pulling the suicide card. She did recently. And she'll do it again. This year's love of her life left her. She couldn't go on. She tried to end it all with pills and it damned near worked. 6 weeks later she has a new love of her life. Rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat.

You are not responsible for her actions but you sure as hell are for yours.

 

This. This is what I was not patient enough to sit down and say concisely.
You are allowing her to control you, too. And by allowing her to continue this behavior, you're enabling her and encouraging this unhealthy behavior to continue.

You're not going to be able to control her responses. Period. Welcome to Free Will. But you can control your behavior. And honestly, friendship after an even perceived "relationship" for someone as labile as what you're describing can be unhealthy and dangerous. Every little "nicety" or "friendly" overture is open to interpretation and may not be read by her the same way you intended it. Ending it later, after a "friendship" can be more devastating.
If she's truly mentally ill, all of your rationalizing and processing is for naught... She doesn't process, think, or act in a manner in which you might think, act, or do.

Step out of her shoes, and put on your runners, man.