Dealing with grief.

Back in October, my ex's daughter whom I raised for 8 years...passed away suddenly and tragically. I have talked about what happened, but never about how I am doing...

I think I am okay. I try not to think about it too much though, because it still hurts. My kids don't talk about it either really. When I do try and talk with them, they get quiet and sad. That makes me sad. I just thought I should talk about it somewhere. I can't talk about it with my family really. And my friends start getting all angry and talking about how it's this eprsons fault...and really...I don't care whose fault it is.. I just have this emptyvoid, and no idea what to do with it. I know my friends care and mean well...but they don't understand.

 

People say "I feel your pain," but I really do. I lost my father 5 years ago, and I wrote extensively about it in my blog here at TFP. His death was not unexpected - he was 80 and dying of cancer. What was strange about it was that it happened a lot faster than any of us expected. One week, he was a cancer victim who was struggling, but getting along with a prognosis of 6 months left to live. The next week, he suddenly went downhill and passed peacefully in the night. Although an autopsy wasn't performed, all of us have come to believe that he must have suffered a stroke in his last couple of days and that was what actually killed him, thereby saving him the pain of wasting away from cancer.

Since I was expecting him to die, I didn't really mourn or feel sadness upon his death. I was actually a little grateful that he didn't linger and suffer. And then, three years ago, it all hit me at once. I will never forget one afternoon I was sitting in my yard looking down into our goldfish pond and daydreaming, when I was overtaken by an unexpected flood of emotions about my father. It came out of nowhere and totally devastated me. I could not explain why it hit me at that moment, but it took me months to get over it. I was reduced to rubble.

My wife understood everything, as she had lost both of her parents to cancer, but I had no one else in my life that could relate. How do you break down to your friends and co-workers about a death that had occurred years earlier? I actually lost a couple of friends over it, because they noticed something very different about me, and got kind of miffed that I didn't feel like confiding in them. What a strange thing.

Online turns out to be a very good place to talk, so we're all here.

 

A virtual place like TFP is duct tape for the random wear and tear on the spirit and soul of regular folks doing the human thing.
Your grinding grief is not a pain to board members here, @Mbraitman. It may be a bit through the Looking Glass to hear this, but we are glad you shared.
Your grief is yours. It is also a bit of a window to let me, and others, get a glimpse through the fog and see another real person saying a real thing without any baggage or requirement. So thanks for that.
My dad passed a couple of years ago, entirely expected, after a long and fruitful life. It still takes me aback, and I’m a 60 year old with grandkids. Who do I have when I’m a bit shaky and my 3D peeps don’t need to hear it? The good folk of TFP.
A long way of saying I’m sorry to hear your pain. Thanks for letting me hear your pain. Please, in time, be well.

 

Sorry for your hurting heart! Xoxo

My daughter lost her best friend (29yrs) on Saturday, tragically...hit on his bicycle by a police car. He just finished work. Fort Myers, Florida.

They were friends since they were 13. He was the person she could always call. I cried all day Easter Sunday for both of them and his family. He was due to go home to Pa to give his father one of his kidneys next month.
Father is on dialysis.
I was on FaceTime almost 24 hrs straight with my daughter...keeping her company. I’m in England and she is in Florida.
It’s weird how death of some people you know give you upset, but passes quickly, but some that just tears you a part.

I think tonight will be the first time I will be able to sleep well since the news.


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As a recovering alcoholic, I speak from experience when I say that emotions suppressed lead to other and often more damaging problems.

Grief and sadness actually have a job to do. They help us heal when we suffer a loss. In our culture, we tend to view these emotions as "bad," but they are not. Own your grief. Feel it. It will do you good. Don't wallow in it, but feel it and allow it to do its job. If there are people who are uncomfortable with their grief, then that is their problem and you don't own that.

We'll always listen, here, but it would be helpful to you to speak to others who understand. You didn't say much about the circumstances, but there are grief support groups for those who have lost people to disease or violence. A google search should help you find one in your area that you can attend. Make the time and do it, you need to talk about this with a living, breathing, feeling human being.

 

Honestly I did was mine the wrong way. I bottle it up and move on about my day or week or month or whatever. I don't say things that I should I don't talk to people that I should I just bottle it up and put it way down in a dark place. I know this is a wrong way to go about doing it but that's how I've handled things for years and I do have a tendency to let my addiction get a little worse when things like this happen. And yes I know it's the wrong way

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So needless to say please do not deal with it the way that I do. Just know your friends are there for you and your family can be there for you too. There are many people that care about you and will do anything to help you

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@Mbraitman

I won't pretend to understand your pain. All I can offer is my condolences and best wishes during your grieving.

I've dealt with the deaths of three loved ones, my father, my FIL, & MIL. As strange as this might sound, their deaths were not something to grieve over (not in the usual sense of grieving).

My father suffered from dementia caused by vasculitis. His physical health started deteriorating to the point where he would've wound up in long-term hospice care. Thankfully, in a sense, he passed away before that happened.

My FIL suffered from dementia caused by major strokes and TIAs. He had enough of his mind left to know that he was miserable. He wanted to die; his death was a blessing.

My MIL suffered from Alzheimer's disease for many years, a slow progression. She was fortunate, again in a sense, in that she was clueless but happy. Her extreme physical downturn was fairly sudden, and thankfully short-lived. Her death hit my wife much harder than that of her father.

Quality of life has almost became a cliché......until you witness just what it means.

 

Loving this thread! sub'd