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Erection issues

Discussion in 'Tilted Life and Sexuality' started by anon995351, Oct 9, 2012.

  1. anon995351 New Member


    I am 25 years old, I have been seeing my girlfriend for roughly 7 months. I am having some pretty strong issues with anxiety/nervousness/stress all related to sex. I have always been nervous when it came to sex, I didn't lose my virginity until I was 19 because of my inability to face my nerves and do it.

    I am in love with her and she with me, we moved in together about 1.5 months ago and it has been going great minus the sex. I stress mostly all day at work about it that by the time I come home I am so nervous it is somewhat hard for me to get hard sometimes. I have gone soft during sex, before sex, and sometimes I am so stressed I dont even get hard at all. Before I get to far into my story we have been having sex for about 4 months or so and not that we keep track it is safe to say we have had great sex 150-200 times in that time period. Sometimes if I'm really horny we will have sex 3 times back to back.

    I have always been an over thinker and whene it comes to sex I overthink it more so than anything else... I go in and out of a good state of mind for sex sometimes I'm calm, and mellow which results in me being really horny and we will have great sex for 4 or 5 days. Then I lose concentration for a second during sex I think I'm gonna go soft and I do. It takes me a few days to filter the stress during which we still have sex it just isnt very hard but she still orgasms. It is become a pretty vicious cycle for me and frankly I'm getting sick of it.

    I have consulted my doctor and she wanted to put me on anti-anxiety medication but I explaine the reason I'm stressed is because of my fear of going soft... It isnt an every day thing for me so I asked to try some ED medication (viagra) to help get my confidence back. I tried it and sure I stayed hard even when I was nervous and it helped restore my confidence. I haven't taken an meds in over 2 months and I know I physically do not need them so I have.decided to discontinue using them.

    My girlfriend is very supportive of me... There have been a.few times in which she started crying after I went soft but she has been great for most of the times. Is there any advice I can have that might me to overcome this psychological ED? When I'm calm and relaxed I can be pretty damn good at sex(I gauge my ability by my girlfriends orgasms) but when I'm stressed I can't enjoy sex, and I kinda lose my sex drive as I understand it, the reason for this is due to the release of cortisol which reduces testosterone and the effects can linger for a few days which can explain the time I need until I want sex again... Any and all help is greatly appreciated thank you
  2. Borla

    Borla Moderator Staff Member

    Have you tried a therapist?

    It sounds like you have a medical solution but are choosing against it. The other obvious option I see is to talk to a professional to try to address the mental/emotional side without the medication.
    • Like Like x 6
  3. anon995351 New Member

    The problem with the medication is that after my chest hurts for a few days and I lose the emotional connection which results in an inability to orgasm... I get turned on by her when I allow myself to. I can "correct" my issues simply by working it out in my head and then I'm good for awhile. It's quite frustrating
  4. Borla

    Borla Moderator Staff Member

    Sounds to me like a scenario a therapist would be perfect for. Unfortunately, I only play one online, so recommending you see one is about as far as my expertise go.

    Any history of abuse, or obvious reasons you might have that sort of anxiety?
    • Like Like x 1
  5. anon995351 New Member

    My father is an absolute prick sometimes and as a kid growing up I would get knots in my stomach and get extremely nervous when he would yell at me... He was also very quick to say he and my mom were getting a divorce this started when I was 6 or so. They are still married after 35 years. My father creates a tremendous amount of anxiety for me...
  6. rogue49

    rogue49 Tech Kung Fu Artist Staff Member

    1. relax
    2. let go
    3. enjoy
    Now, I realize that this is easier said than done sometimes...
    Stress, tension and performance anxiety can get in the way of your ability to focus.

    Funny thing is...the arousal is some tension in itself...but this can get you going.
    But if you are distracted or just can't let go...then even with one you've got going...you'll lose the momentum.
    Anything can trigger it...a light in the wrong angle...overheating...an uncomfortable position...what's she'd doing isn't hitting you quite right,
    expectations...before, during and after...

    sex is simple...but it can be complicated.
    My suggestion...uncomplicate it.

    People sometime put too much into it...sometimes its just about enjoying the ride.
    Kind of like how some treat Xmas or Thanksgiving...yes, it's nice and special...but at the same time, it should be just about enjoying yourself.
    Nothing should be "this way" or "that way" or "it has to be at this level"

    Sometimes you do it to yourself...sometimes you're loved one does it unknowingly. They may love you sincerely, but...
    It's about just enjoying time with each other.
    No pun intended...but when it comes, it comes.
    • Like Like x 1
  7. Alistair Eurotrash

    Reading, UK
    Having an erection isn't necessary for enjoyable sex.

    I know, that may sound silly, but it isn't. Losing an erection isn't a disaster, either.

    Sex is the most intimate and trusting thing that two people can do together. Sometimes it can be about banging away (and it sounds as if you experience that sometimes), but it isn't always. There is plenty that can be done with tongue and hands and - guess what - she is actually more likely to orgasm that way. Explore a little and focus a little less on your cock. She isn't having sex with your cock, she is having sex with you. Your cock is just one of the tools available.

    Maybe agree to sex with no penetration for a while. Take the pressure off.

    That said, I do agree with Borla that it is worth talking to someone about it -a specialist, I mean, rather than an internet forum. Talking therapies can help us to gain understanding of why we get anxious, and that can often be enough to reduce the anxiety.

    I wish you luck and am glad that, for much of the time, you have an enjoyable sex life. Please don't let your own anxiety cloud what you have. I suspect that your girlfriend was upset because she could see how important it was for you. You are probably concerned about how she feels.

    I repeat, having an erection isn't necessary for enjoyable sex.
    • Like Like x 6
  8. Random McRandom

    Random McRandom Starry Eyed


    Some great advice up there. Probably better than anything I could say to be sure. Stress can be a killer for both sexes, it's just more noticeable in men partly because, well, our slamalammadingdong may start acting like Alex Rodriquez in the playoffs on occasion. Perhaps you have an acute anxiety disorder that is somehow associated with sex, or perhaps, you just let one time get rooted into your head (no, the other head...) and so now you naturally recall that event and anxiety swirls from that. Do I personally think you need to be medicated? Hell, it's impossible for me to answer that correctly, but you should know that a large majority of anti-anxiety meds will decrease your sex drive to such a level that sex will be the furthest thing from your mind.

    You're not a porn star. Neither am I. Don't think you should perform like one or that your magnificent member should shock and awe your mate in such a way that she writhes in passion and creams just from being in proximity to such a specimen. Seriously, porn is highly edited. You didn't mention porn in your statements, but as I'm a male, I understand how watching porn could possibly present some doubt into your head.

    As Alistair said, losing an erection isn't the end of the world. Your girlfriend shouldn't be crying if you lose one. You shouldn't be apologizing if you lose one. Instead, pull out and bury your face between her legs or do other things. Perhaps you aren't focusing on foreplay enough before you begin the actual act of penetration. Foreplay is often the key for women anyway, so commit yourself to engage in foreplay quite a bit longer than you normally do and it will not only increase her pleasure, but will help you lose your mind issues. We're not robots, sex isn't supposed to end or begin in any set manner, so relax and just enjoy each other in a variety of ways.

    P.S. It may also help to try new things - sometimes people get into a rut sexually and the subconscious mind takes over and the boredom comes to the forefront which causes issues.
    • Like Like x 2
  9. Joniemack

    Joniemack Beta brainwaves in session

    Reading, UK
    Wow, talk about rising to the challenge. I don't think I've ever seen such well thought out, supportive, and pretty damned decent advice here or pretty much anywhere else.

    You guys are great.
    --- merged: Oct 10, 2012 1:09 PM ---
    Damn right! That bit of magic belongs to Remixer.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 17, 2012
    • Like Like x 1
  10. anon995351 New Member

    Let me first say thank you very much for the well thought out replies...

    We don't do as much foreplay as I would like and that leads to me going soft... A few weeks ago I was getting out of the shower and she grabbed my cock and started stroking it, I got extremely hard and then she started sucking on it. She got on top and I was hard as a rock for a long time. I couldn't cum however as we had sex probably 20 minutes before. Somedays we have sex 4 times throughout the day and then comes the 5 time towards the end of the night I can't keep it up I feel a tremendous amount of anxiety. She wants sex constantly and knowing this is a little stressful because I'm so worried I won't perform correctly. When I'm in these funks I get no pleasure out of sex. Just this morning she was holding my junk while we were sleeping and as soon as I want to start pounding her I get that rush of total body anxiety. I put so much pressure on myself its crazy...
  11. Borla

    Borla Moderator Staff Member

    There is a vast difference between how this problem should be viewed if it is the first time you are having sex for the day versus the fifth time you are having sex for the day.
    • Like Like x 1
  12. Random McRandom

    Random McRandom Starry Eyed


    I don't think you have a problem at all if it's only happening when it's time for the 5th round. Seriously. While your anxiety could be an issue that needs to be monitored, not being able to get it up or only getting anxious when it's the 5th round is probably natural considering your body just hasn't recovered from the previous 4 bouts of dirty sex. There's a reason women have an easier time with multiple orgasms etc. The male body just isn't capable of reproducing the necessary hormones in such a short amount of time.

    Being that you're only 25, you're producing (unless you have a medical issue with low testosterone) what you need to produce. Instead of trying to put your yogurt slinger into her hoohah that 5th time use that time to practice your oral skills instead.
  13. anon995351 New Member

    Borla, I understand but for some reason I can't chalk it up as no big deal I stress the piss out of myself. Shouldn't I just enjoy her touching me and me touching her and forget the bullshit?
  14. Random McRandom

    Random McRandom Starry Eyed

    Again, if you're only stressing the piss out of yourself and it's the 5th round, there's a reason for it happening. You've exhausted your hormone supply during the previous 4 romps and unless you have over active testosterone production, it's normal. Hell, I'd venture that most men can't go more than twice in any 24 hour period. Why do you think the running joke is "they just roll over and go to sleep while I'm left to lay in the wet spot"?

    You're over-thinking your over-thinking.
    • Like Like x 1
  15. anon995351 New Member

    Well sometimes it happens on the first try of the day... Example Monday night we were on the couch the movie just finished and she undid my pants started stroking me then she told me to pull off my pants, she loves it when I cum inside of her and that's all she wanted me to do was cum... I was nervous I was gonna go soft and I thought ill cum quick so I did and she loved it but I think negatively because I came so fast that I wouldn't give myself the chance to go soft. Then about 45 minutes later as I riddled with stress she wants to cum so I get hard but then go soft, then get hard then get soft... For the first time ever I actually got frustrated to the point that I wanted to stop however we moved to the bed and she was on top I got hard again and repenetrated her, as she started to orgasm I went soft and fell out. I wish I could just clear my mind and "get lost in her"
  16. Random McRandom

    Random McRandom Starry Eyed


    why are you thinking it's bad to cum quickly? Who says you're supposed to last for hours? Shit, if I fuck my wife longer than an hour she tells me to get the fuck off of her. It starts to become painful for her after this point (and I rarely get to that point anyway). This is why foreplay etc is important. I think the root of your problem isn't anxiety but that you have some notion stuck in your head that you're supposed to fuck a certain way. Get rid of that, and you'll get rid of your "problem". If your girl wants to come but you're stuck in your head, then use your head to make her cum. It's ok to tell her you want to devour her and use your tongue, hands and fingers to do it.

    you're not a robot. you do not need to perform a certain way or to make her cum with your dick every time. you do not need to penetrate for hours before you're allowed to cum. you're only supposed to enjoy sex and since there are so many variations to sex, the possibilities are quite endless.
    • Like Like x 3
  17. Borla

    Borla Moderator Staff Member

    When I was in my early 20s it almost didn't matter how many times in a day, as long as I had some recovery time (5-30 minutes, depending on how many times that day), I was fine to go again. Often I wanted to. Sometimes we'd set aside a day just to see how many times. As I've gotten older, I still think I have very good recovery time and "repeatability" (for lack of a better term). But if I've had sex several times in the same day, I really wouldn't think twice if when offered or asked for I either declined or offered other services instead of intercourse. Even at your current fairly young age of 25, I wouldn't say what you are describing is worrisome, or anything out of the ordinary.

    Honestly, you are worrying over almost nothing IMO. If you want to go visit a therapist to put your mind at ease further, have at it. But you are making much ado about nothing it seems, now that we have more detail.
    • Like Like x 2
  18. anon995351 New Member

    It's almost like I need to stop taking sex so seriously and just enjoy it. I wish I could just relax and stop thinking about this shot
  19. rogue49

    rogue49 Tech Kung Fu Artist Staff Member

  20. Alistair Eurotrash

    Reading, UK

    I now wonder if you are just attention-seeking.
    • Like Like x 3