How rude is it if in-laws exclude you from a family dinner?

Okay, so I’m not married but I’m just asking out of curiosity as IF I were a married person. So pretend I’m married and I have kids for the sake of a hypothetical question, lol.
So I come from a big family (5 siblings, 3 niece/nephew) and we always include a long term partner/spouse to our dinners, celebrations, get together, etc. No big deal, we feel we can spend time together and bond. My brother-in-law is always welcome to join.


My boyfriend’s family on the other hand is smaller with just 3 siblings. My boyfriend has 2 older sisters and one of them likes to make their family exclusive. They’re nice and I like them but I feel a small sting when one of his sisters constantly tries to plan “Family only” dinners with just her mom and siblings (not her step dad). Even when she wants to spend time with her father she doesn’t want her half-siblings and step mom to be around sometimes. She also doesn’t like it that her older sister confides in her uncle’s wife. Because of her actions I suspect she doesn’t really see you as family unless you are blood related.
She also invites them to dinner when I’m right there instead of asking them privately. I don’t know about you but it sucks when everyone gets an invite and not you when you’re sitting there.
Anyways, if we were married, would it be rude if she continued to plan family days/dinners (Her mother and siblings) without me?


What if she invited my kids (imagine that lol), husband, her siblings, and mom but not me?
I know a lot of people find this RUDE but a good handful believe it’s okay. It’s just hard for me to understand I guess. Again, I’m not complaining, just merely speculating and wondering.


This happens once a month or two. It's not like she hates me. We get along and she invited me to dinner with her and her friends today.

 

I love my extended family; but only in small, short doses. I much prefer 5-6 small intimate dinners, than the all inclusive, family get-together from hell.

 

It doesn't seem like that big a deal.
She is not singling you out for exclusion; if she were that would be more of a problem.
Let it roll off your back.

 

Sounds like the sister has issues about their fragmented family. Her problem, not yours. You need to develop a little bit thicker skin on the subject.

If you find it truly unbearable, you should have your SO speak to the sister on your behalf. Of the two of you, he should have a better chance to sway her, at least on some occasions.

Is your SO aware of how you feel?

 

I don't think so.

Anyways his sister told me today that ever since their mom moved out with her husband she misses them sooo much and is always so bored and wants to move back with them but can't because she's married now. Don't get me wrong but shouldn't you want to be with your husband? Lol she also plans events where we all go over or her kids go over and spend the weekend or night there or she comes to their house and spend the night.

I believe in being close but I feel like they don't know how to let go of a family having their own lives starting a new thing?

 

I'm not sure it is that big a deal. I could picture myself (for example) going out for beers with my brothers without our wives, though it is a fairly moot point for me - neither of them live very close.

 

Is her mother married to her step-father? Because I cannot imagine my spouse repeatedly allowing their child to exclude me and our other children because we are not full blood related to that particular child. I would be offended. And I would probably be glad I wasn't related to that child.

If she is excluding her half-siblings and step parents because they are not "full blooded family", then yes ... you will be considered non family and left out while your husband and children are welcome to family dinners. Because while she may not hate you and may occasionally invite you with friends, you will never be one of the occupants on the sacred top rung of her "special we are but not you" ladder.

I would laugh my ass off to learn she was adopted.

 

Huh? I think you misunderstood lol.

My bf and his two sisters share the same parents but they divorced a long time ago. Their dad married several years ago and their mom recently got married about 6 months ago.

 

Lol I did mention her dad remarried a long time ago. He has two younger sons with his current wife which makes them half-blood siblings to my bf and his sisters since they share the same dad not mom.

 

Thanks for tips. All that I know, I just feel better discussing it lol. what do you think about the mom? I posted how she gets lonely without them and wants them to spend the night and vice versa. She knows its "not right" so she tries to keep it down to a minimum but its still a lot IMO.

Same with my family, spouses are invited haha. If my bf isn't around my dad always asks for him.

 

Wait. Are any other spouses invited?

 

They don't have spouses. The oldest sister just recently started dating someone and it's been like a month or so. The sister that makes the plans and stuff has a bf that she can't stand being around for more than 3 days LOL

Anyways, I work for my parent's at the Asian grocery store with a Thai restaurant next door that my uncle runs...the businesses are connected through a door. I went to work and saw her car in the parking lot and texted her "Hey! I just got to work and I see your car here. Who you with?" She replied "My sister". They were eating lunch.. and I was expecting them to come and say "Hi" to me really quick before leaving but they never did. I mean it's like less than a minute walk, and I wasn't busy....so I'm sort of offended. lol

 

Rude by American standards. Is she from different culture? Maybe not so rude in that case.

Is there a reason why you can't give her a dose of her own medicine? Invite some members of your BF's family to your place for dinner and leave out the invite for her? I wouldn't normally advocate that sort of thing but in the absence of your starting a conversation with her directly about how her behavior makes you feel, it might work to prompt that conversation through a back door entrance.

As far as the relationship between the sisters, their spouses, their boyfriends, their parents....that would be their business, no? Why would you want to concern yourself with such things?

 

I'm starting to worry thinking about a future together...because I mean as you know all three of them live back together and are close. I don't see him wanting I move out any time soon to the next level of our relationship feeling like he's missing out on his sisters...or even if we do move out together I feel that they will want him over and vice versa all the time. I'm at a lost. I think we are good for eachother but I want a life together not a life with his sisters.