I guess I'm looking for advice

I'm 27. ive never had sex. Ive only been in one relationship, if you removed 3 or 4 days from my life you would remove all the physical in person interaction Ive had with a women romantically. I can talk to women fine, several friends are women and its good. but I just don't know how romance works.

I'm pretty religious at times. Don't want to talk about that AT ALL. But its relevant for the next part.

I started watching porn when I was younger. about 4 or 5 years ago I started talking to women online, sometimes sexually. I just feel so absurdly lonely that I don't know how to deal with it. I just want to feel a connection with someone.

I got to the point where I felt like I need to talk to someone sometimes. I'm super inexperienced sexually and sometimes I just want to say fuck it and fully immerse myself in sexual pleasure, at least as much as i can online. i try to find women who are willing to talk to me and basically just casually talk about sex in voice chat, share porn we like with each other, watch it together while chatting,ect .when seeking stuff out sexually online, people want kinks, or roleplay, or a performance. I just want to have a fucking conversation most of the time. Like I literally just want to talk about it not put on a performance or have one performed for me

That fills me with guilt. But then I have nights like tonight where I just a few days ago said "i'm done" and deleted all my accounts, and have this hole left, where I just want to hear a pretty woman voice tell me im not a horrible disgusting person for engaging in sexual desires. I just want to feel wanted, or at least not repulsive.

I don't know wtf to do, i'm tired, and i hate myself.

in a perfect world I'm looking for someone to help me get comfortable with being sexual. Like becoming friends with a woman but the friendship , while being a real friendship, more or less existing due to the sexual component. Someone who will voice chat with me often and talk to me about sexual stuff and who I can casually be sexual "with", what I mean by with is that she could talk, send me porn she likes, i send her porn I like, we talk about fantasies, she would encourage me to masturbate while talking with her, who really wants to help me become more comfortable with mysexuality and can handle the weird bits of guilt and embarrassment I have around it after I get off. She would almost be motherly but of course not in a weird way. I guess she would be emotionally "warm" for lack of a better word. Like she would be EXTREMELY kind and caring towards me without being condescending, but just truely wanting to help me get comfortable with sexuality

I know I'm not going to find that and I have no fucking idea how to even go about it.

Also:

I think one of my biggest frustrations is that, I feel like a creep by seeking out sexual stuff online. Whatever form that may take (interactive or not). I'm not sure how to seek it out without feeling a little slimy, even if I'm not actually doing anything wrong. I'm respectful, upfront, careful to understand and not cross boundaries. but despite all that there is a little bit of a feeling i get on sites like reddit or whatever when I'm seeking out anything, especially if it involves another person. I don't know how to shake that and thats actually what bothers me quite a bit. I know its not wrong to want to interact sexually, I know its normal, and I am very respectful in the way I approach it. But I always feel like I will be judged for it, or that I will be put in a box like "oh he is just another guy who only wants in my pants" even if I also want to know them as a person.

 

Do you spend as much time interacting with people IRL as you do online?
What's the ratio like?

 

pre-covid? say about 80% in person 20% online.

 

THIS.....Religion is clearly the issue here as is quite obvious from your guilt and self ridicule. That said...I will provide what advice I can (for what it is worth). It sounds as if you believe you hold pleasant conversation with women, if this is a truth then make a friend who is female and be honest at all times. As the friendship grows tell her you are a virgin and afraid of sex....then watch the 40 yr old virgin movie (I am serious). She will either give you advice or volunteer to help you in person.