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Is it normal to have doubts entering a new relationship?

Discussion in 'Tilted Life and Sexuality' started by chelle, Aug 8, 2011.

  1. chelle

    chelle Vertical

    I had been seeing someone for 5 months taking things very slow. I thought over the months we were starting to get more comfortable around each other, my feelings were growing, and that it was time to make it official. He finally asked me to be his girlfriend last week and I was happy.

    For some reason, recently, I've been having so many doubts about us. I keep thinking "Is he the right one for me?", "How long will we last?", "Are we really compatible?" all these questions running through my head. I don't know why I'm thinking this after making it official. I never felt so doubtful and worried...when I'm with him I'm usually happy, laughing, and carefree...but now that we made it official these thoughts are in my head when I'm with him now.

    I don't know if this has to do with anything but I was with my ex for 5 1/2 years and he was my only bf ever. Our relationship ended 7 months ago. So this would be my second relationship ever. He's 21 and I'm 22.

    Is it normal to have these feelings when you first make it official? With my ex, I did have doubts about a relationship and I always hated the title but then got used to it....I'm not sure how I feel anymore. All I know is that I don't want to break up at all.
  2. EventHorizon

    EventHorizon assuredly the cause of the angry Economy..

    dont worry about it so much. its natural after your first relationship to be cautious about the next one, even more so when it was a very long term relationship. if anything, worrying too much might torpedo the relationship because instead of you enjoying the time you have you'll be too busy wondering "what if he's not the right guy? what if we don't last that long? what if he doesn't like my toe fungus?" or whatever it is that might be worrying you. whatever happens, just enjoy what you have while you can. if it ends up lasting a long time, then awesome! if not, then thats just the way it is and its out of your control anyways, so just enjoy yourself while you can
  3. Zen

    Zen Very Tilted

    Hi Chelle - good to see you here :)

    "All I know is that I don't want to break up at all" < is this referring to your new boyfriend?

    And please could you think through and make a list, here, of what are, for you, the differences between official and not official. Given that you like him, then the transition from 'no more doubts than anyone ought to have' into special 'It's Official' doubts has got to do with changes in how you are thinking and how those affect your feelings. That's why I'd like you to make a list of 'before' official and 'after'

    When you've made a list of those 'before and after' pairs, go ahead and read down them ... ponder them further, and see which of those pairs are less relevant, and which of those pairs are more relevant to your going from 'not many doubts' to 'Doubts' which worried you enough to post this thread.

    Meanwhile, enjoy the 'here and now' of how you are getting along with him ... Like Event Horizon said, you don't want to 'torpedo' the good things you really DO have with the guy, by overloading with these doubts, which, at the moment, seem to me to be purely to do with the change of your thinking and feeling when the rubber stamp. "Official" is placed on how you two have been getting along until now.

    Take care
  4. Seer666

    Seer666 Getting Tilted

    It would be abnormal to not have doubts. Don't worry about it. Take things as they come, and if it doesn't work out, then take a little time to lick your wounds, and jump back in again. Been through it many of times, and just when I decided I was done with the whole mess for good, I went and met the woman that ended up being my wife.
  5. jewels

    jewels New Member

    Yes and no. Doubts are normal, but if you're stressing and overthinking maybe not.

    Some unsolicited relationship advice:

    1. He's not the Tom, Dick or Harry who may have caused pain or issues that may have occurred in previous relationships.

    2. Relax and enjoy whatever reason you have for being with him at this moment. Think about what it is that made you decide to go out in the first place. Take the time to get to know one another.

    3. Wondering how long you will last is creating an pathway in which negativy can enter. If you're questioning the relationship either (a) there's a serious doubt which could actually be a red flag that it's not for you, or (b) looking for the negatives will definitely find them and is probably not a good way to approach a relationship.

    Or, relax and enjoy the moment! :cool:
  6. chelle

    chelle Vertical

    @zen- yeah I don't want to break up with my current bf
    Well I do question the relationship as to "Is he the right one for me?" It's probably too soon to think that way anyways...because I've only known hmi for 5 months. I worry maybe I won't love him. I thought I was close to falling in love but now I'm unsure.

    With my ex after 4 months I was growing in love. At first I didn't think we would last and I wasn't too attracted but I thought he was a good guy lol. The title make me cringe but I went along the ride. I knew him years before that so I guess there wasn't too much new things to discover.

    With this guy before the doubts I was feeling comfortable and happy around him. I hope that my negativity doesn't stick around because I can already feel it affecting me when I'm with him and I try hard to cover it.

    I wanna thank everyone for answering and helping. I hope I get more answers for different view points.

    I guess being official to me means
    -being committed
    - being emotionally invested
    -spending more time with them
    - thinking of them and not just yourself when it comes to actions and what u say (decisions you make that can affect them)
  7. Seer666

    Seer666 Getting Tilted

    Well, who says you have to be in love to enjoy the relationship? Do you like spending time with this guy? Then enjoy spending time with him. Is the sex good? Then enjoy the sex. If there is a level of compatibility there, then just enjoy the company, Love will come or it won't. Don't feel that every relationship has to be about love. Some of them are just about passing time with a friend.
  8. wolf Evil Grin

    Right Behind You
    Break ups suck... I can understand why you don't want to break up at all. The best thing to do is what people have been saying and enjoy this relationship while it lasts, if it keeps up then great, if not, then that's ok too. The biggest thing is not to stay in a relationship that isn't working simply because you don't want to experience a break up. 5 1/2 years is a long time to be in a relationship, especially for the age you are. Remember that only 7 months have passed, you are very likely still healing from that break up which would put doubts in any one's mind. So, have fun, enjoy the relationship.
  9. chelle

    chelle Vertical

    lol that's funny to hear "who says you have to be in love to enjoy a relationship?" I'll try to enjoy the moment. I don't think I'm not wanting to break up just to prevent another hurt feelings but because I do like his company and he has a lot to show me and teach me in life.

    Another question, when do you know for sure you want to break up with someone though??
  10. EyeSeePeeDude

    EyeSeePeeDude Getting Tilted

    Nellis AFB
    If you don't have doubts then you aren't taking it seriously... ;)
    • Like Like x 1
  11. chelle

    chelle Vertical

    I just don't understand how can a TITLE change my way of thinking completely! I literally have a huge headache thinking about it.
  12. Seer666

    Seer666 Getting Tilted

    If it comes to that, you'll know. It's never fun, but it's a part of life. Some people handle it better then others. I tend not to deal so well with it, but I'm stronger for all the times I've been kicked to the curb for whatever reason. Just make it as quick and clean a break as you can if you find yourself there.
  13. EventHorizon

    EventHorizon assuredly the cause of the angry Economy..

    when you can no longer stand that person, when they treat you like shit, when you think your time is better spent doing other things/people, when its no longer the best thing you could possibly be doing at the time because when its all said and done, how you spend the short short amount of time you have is what should be most important to you. if you're not happy, don't waste your time, go be happy.

    on the flip side: if you are happy, keep it up, its well worth the investment and you'll be making many a deposit into a bank of good memories
  14. chelle

    chelle Vertical

    Okay, so yeah you guys are going to think I'm a little cuckoo. He posted on my facebook wall asking about working out. My sister joked "Build her into the woman you want her to be...literally! LOL" and he replied "She's already the woman I want her to be ^_^" I thought it was sweet and for some reason all my doubts went away. I worked out with him later today and I had a good time with no doubts clouding my head when I was with him. Jeez I'm weird but I know that these doubts will come later.

    I always worry about one thing or another when it comes to life in general.
  15. Zen

    Zen Very Tilted

    'Life in General' ....

    I'd like to check something ( :oops: I re-read for typos and find more than I expected) quite a few things with you:

    So 'in specifics' ... eg with This boy at This time you can have 'no doubts clouding' your head ....
    But when it's 'Official' or 'General' ... then that's where the doubts are?
    Would that cover and account for some of the points on that list of differences between times of more doubt and times of less doubt?

    And on the other hand ... I am wondering: at those times when you DO have doubts and they 'cloud' your head ... are you sure these are doubts, or could they be UNKNOWNS, even UNKNOWABLES because they are so unspecific - often traveling beyond the present?
    I'm asking this because I'm going slightly ahead, but:
    I agree with this ... some doubts are like those diferent gauges; the fuel and oil gauges and tyre pressure gauges which people who really take their cars seriously attend to. And I'm interested in: How do doubts you may or may not have when thinking about life in general, or when things get official, differ from each other, and also differ from doubts and certainties you might have about individual people at individual times? Also, are there any similarities?

    Doubts can feel different ... different types of doubts, like different gauges for different areas and levels of life.

    Ah Chelle .. all these questions! But I know you to be a person of great questioning and inquisitiveness. And ain't it great to be in the company of these caring and astute people? :)

    Note to Self: 'Tilted Forum Project .... Cuckoo Forum Project ... Tilted Forum Project ...' OK .. I'll stick with 'Tilted', but both sounded totally OK to my ears ... and what you're doing, while wondering if you're a little cuckoo, is exploring and evolving ... and doubting .... so much.

    eh ... ..... Chelle .... final thought for today ... when you've got doubts clouding your head, then to what extent is that connected or separate from questions you might have about being a little cuckoo?

    Take care ... oh and by the way, I'm so danged joyful that you two are getting along well together :)