Is it normal to want a baby so young?

You can wait and wait and wait. There is no good time to have a baby.

I went to college, twice. Not ready. I worked millions of jobs in different fields. Not ready. I partied and drank beer. Not ready. I followed my dreams. Not ready. I travelled the globe. Not ready. I got married. Not ready. I decided to have one because this is what girls my age do. Not ready. I had one and was in labor forever. Not ready. I had the baby and was alone and stressed out. Not ready. I tried to find our place in the wild world of babies and their moms. Not ready. The baby went to school. Not ready. The baby is no longer a baby.

Now. I'm not ready for him to grow up. I've become quite attached to someone I was never ready for.

But, you are a little young. Heed the advice of the others above. Build yourself first. Stronger more secure adults make better parents.

 

I never had kids because I was "never ready"...now I regret that! At 50 you start seeing the reality of life and I've realized that you don't know it all when your 30 - but ignorance is bliss. Be young and prosper, have the kids and be dedicated to raising them well - with love and truth.

 

There is never a perfect time, no matter what everyone here is telling you, but you need to try your best to make sure you have the resources to support a child. Family is a big one. Do you have an extended family that will help you in this? Grandma, grandpa, aunts, uncles, etc... A working husband/spouse.

Me and my ex waited until we were 30, and the world started crumbling around us mid-pregnancy. She was sick during most of it, and was fired from her job, while on maternity leave. She had the benefits, and I was a temp worker at the time. Making good money, but no benefits. Ouch. We got through it, and even a premature birth. Many operations for the baby. Lots of debt, which took years to get out of. But ask me if I regret raising my daughter. Go ahead, I dare ya. ( the answer is a big NO ). Now, having said that, I will not have another one. It's just too much work, and the stress was horrendous, even if the rewards were great. There are times I think that if I had started younger, then I would have been better off, YMMV. My parents had seven kids and were finished with them before they were 30. They actually were able to retire later on, after years of skrimping.

By the way, it is perfectly natural to want to have a baby. You have to decide if it's the right time.

 

OH my god ... you made me cry. Strength of a poem, solidity of truth. Your words make total sense ... in much the same way as an express train. I am flattened. Love and respect to you.
Best wishes.

 

My wife and I had our first child at the age of 25 or 26. I had just (just!) finished University. When she was first pregnant, I was still in school and working as a bike courier. I started my first career type job about two weeks prior to my son's birth.

If we could do it all again, we have both said to each other that we would have waited a few more years before having kids. Even at 25 we were just kids.

Do yourself a favour, take the time to get your own life in order. Finish school. Start a career. If not just for you, then think of it as building a foundation of stability in which to raise your kid.

Of course it can be done at 19, it's just a lot harder and the odds are stacked against you.

 

I remember talking to a girl at my 20 year high school reunion. She was pregnant at 16 and had the baby. 22 years later, she has grown up children, a grandson and is back out making up for the partying she missed in her late teens. I assume (as I don't know) that she had family help at the beginning, but she looks back and has no regrets.

Most people who have a baby young, manage to get through it. There are a lot of naysayers here who say 'get everything in order first'. I think if you wait until everything is in order, you might never have a baby.

edit - keep in mind I live in a country with universal healthcare, so YMMV.

 

Not to make unreasonable assumptions, but you have to question the values, self-control, responsibility and discipline a 16-yr old can teach its children.

Quite honestly, love is very important, but not enough.

It is a very irresponsible thing to do to have a child at such a young age before finances and education have reached a minimum standard. Not exactly the best person to teach someone how to do things, no?

 

Hey Spindles, I don't think most here would disagree that one can manage a baby at a young age. Those, including myself, that would suggest getting your shit together before having a baby, do so only because it's easier that way (generally speaking).

If you have a decent support system (financial, parental, spousal, etc.), young parents can do well.

Speaking as someone who had all of this, and was relatively young when we had our first kid, I can say it was still rather tough. That said, having a kid is tough at any age. They are a massive responsibility.

 

Yes, absolutely they are a big responsibility and a lot of work. I'm not condoning early motherhood - I'm just saying it isn't all doom and gloom.

 

I'm very sorry for your miscarriage... that alone is major trauma for anyone. 3 months later is no time to be thinking about getting pregnant again. Do not think for a moment that having a child now will help to make up for the loss. Everyone has told you how much effort and resources go into caring for a child. It's true, and it never ends. You will hear, and focus on, the people who have successfully had children young and enjoyed it. They are the exceptions. I myself know a woman who became a grandmother at 33! And it wasn't her oldest son who made her one!!! The story actually ended well, but my friend ALWAYS regretted her early parenthood and what it had done to her life.

In Western societies, the realities of life are such that until you have settled down into a solid job and relationship, having a child will simply put a constant strain/irritation on any relationship you try to form. Wait.

 

Agreed!

 

Sorry, Zen, didn't want to make you cry. Tears of joy, I hope.

 

Hi Phi Eyed

Yesterday, it was tears of I-don't-know-what. All I knew is that what you'd said and how you'd said it had come together at one point and pinned me to the wall. Today, I'm beginning to suspect that throughout my life, my answer to 'I'm Not Ready' was to 'not' do. Having children was something I was always 'not ready' to do and ... so I have none. I reckon you'd crystallized something which made very deep and intimate sense to me - I confess, I'm still dumbstruck. Please note, though ... I reckon what you said and how you said it was awesome, even if it hadn't hit such a deeply personal note. As a songwriter, I'd have been applauding loudly

Quick word to sunshineandshadows : I'm still saying to you to wait ... and I've a feeling that you won't do my thing of never doing it at all.

Take care

 

Have you taken time to mourn the loss of your baby? Miscarriages are incredibly difficult on the psyche. A friend of mine has had 7, but she keeps trying. The saddest thing she told me was that she always felt like a mother, but had no way to express these feelings so that people would understand. And she was a mother, just for a very, very short time. It's a time that should be honored and grieved.

 

You know, I will say that I'm one of the few people, who like you (sunshineandshawdows) where I knew what I was born to do in life.... I was born to breed. I love kids and kids get along with me rather well, I've known for a very long time, since I was 16-17 that I was going to have a kid young. But you know what happened to me? My mom (mainly) got custody of my step-brothers son (newborn), since she was working, it was a perfect opportunity to learn a lesson or two at an early age (19) and upon realizing the commitment, time and money wise, the lack of a social life, the lack of anything outside of the household, I needed to wait. I am currently 26, I've established my career, I've bought a house, I've got a good car, I've got a good foundation to start a family... does that mean I should up and start one? NO, because it takes two people at the beginning, three throughout the years to make the whole child situation work. I need to within 100% certainty be able to either be the provider or be the care taker, either which role I am comfortable with. I would love nothing more than to have a child now, but that doesn't mean I have to get reckless and stick my dick in every hole walking.... but with that saying, there's also a sense of excitement, adventure, grief, laughter and anger to be had with a child, as of right now, I'd be okay with having a child, its all about the right "conditions" for me to have said child. Just be ready to make the sacrifices and rise to the challenge of being a parent. Hopefully you figure this out for yourself....

I'll also add with respect to your miscarriage, that you may need to take some time to yourself to figure out what happened. I know a few people who have had them, who've been told they'll never have children, as a result of miscarriages.... etc. But through all odds, those people who've had miscarriages, have been happier as a result of taking time to grieve, because IMHO, they lost a child, you need time, get your head straight (if its been tough since the miscarriage) and have a good support system around you, people who you can trust.

 

Don't know yet how to embed. In response to your post, Zen:

　
I think the writer really is posing a question of suitability, instead of whether it is “normal” or not. It is normal to want to have a child, I think, as soon as you are physically able.But we all know that without a support system, committed partner and reliable income, this decision may present a rockier road. I thought losing a parent was the hardest thing I had ever done, until I had children.

I also feel that a lot of younger women believe that having a baby will fill their emotional voids. A baby will give us the love we so crave. Young women have no clear idea what it really means, especially since, the truth of the experience is often sugar-coated, and only “bad parents“ bitch and moan about it. Being a parent means giving a lot away. But, giving is a good thing.

I’ve had moments when I’ve sat on my laundry room floor, recalling my personal dreams, knowing now that it all must take a backseat to my children. Sometimes I can’t believe that I consciously decided to let this happen? BUT…my point is that no matter what choices we make, we need to honor our personal decisions. Regret is denial of what IS. We may not have chosen what others have, but there must be some acceptance of the choice that we did make and confidence in knowing, that for whatever reason, it was the RIGHT one for us, at that time.

Children first. No matter how hard that is.

Nobody ever died from being a parent or NOT being one.

Note to self: Grow the f*ck up.

 

I guess I may be going against the grain here, but I'd say...be intentional about it. Think about it. Take the time. Realize that your entire life will change. Make sure you have the resources to care for a child. Almost certainly have a partner to share the burden. But if it's time for you, then it's time. It will be the hardest work you ever do in your life, but very rewarding. For most of human history, women have starting having kids well before 21, or 25, or 30...and we've done ok so far.

That doesn't mean I think you should go ahead and breed willy-nilly...resources, support...and especially a partner who will help you...all of those will make things better for you and your child.

 

Give it until you're in your mid-twenties. Not only do you get insurance breaks, but you also start making pretty mature/rational decisions. If you decide that you still want one then, and can actually support the kid, go for it! My wife and I have been married for 4 years, and have been together for nearly 9. We're both educated, and have great jobs. We're only just now mentally, emotionally, and fiscally ready for a child. (although you're NEVER really ready for a child) There's always something else that needs to be accomplished before you feel suited to raise/start a family. So for you other folks I'd have to say don't wait too long. Just go for it!

 

Sunshineandshadows. I am sorry for the loss of your child. You will be all over the place at present, grief and hormones - your body, I know, will be screaming out for what it has lost.
For those reasons, I think you need to grieve and heal, I think you need to wait a bit. Grow yourself into the best parent you can be, be able to help with homework, be strong enough and educated enough to be able to fight your childs corner and win when it comes to things like educational problems. You dont say if you have a partner - is the urge to have your own little family, to belong, is that one of the driving forces behind your need to have a being of your own to love.
Tell you, its not all sunshine and flowers, they can all be little sods - the lying stage one of mine had used to make me enraged, make me want to leave home. On your second trip to the casualty dept with little sod in tow having trod on something, eaten something, or wedged something in an oriface - thats when you start to worry about social workers leaping out and saying 'unfit mother' and whisking your kid away - taking them in, you somehow feel unfit, a bad parent. One of mine took all my pain meds. Far too old to be a childish act. Guess what ambulance man said. It was my fault for leaving pills where children can reach them!
When they are 3, they lose some of the frustration they had during the terrible twos, and you take your child out, and fill their head with what everything is - flutterbys, crickets, blackberrys yum. Best of all, whilst you are explaining, your brain has gone back, you are looking through childs eyes - and the views are such refreshing old friends.
When you are old and losing it, they tell you strange tales of yourself that once you knew - then they shove you into the twilight home for the elderly and mentaly incompetent, and take control of your finances.
Wait a bit Sunshine, I feel something interesting will be headed your way, incresing your personal strengh I think.