My Ex New GF

She said I should ask someone, and she assured me that they would side with her. I know who I'd ask if I did and admittedly that I'd sell it so they'd side with me. So, I'm asking you guys. Mind you we've already gotten past it, so the question is rather academic.

Here it is:
10 years ago she broke up with me. we were living together at the time so i had to move out.
We've been talking again about getting back together.

BTW, I'm not being evasive, but trying to give you, as best I can the perspective she had, so I may leave some stuff out. Suffice it to say that money was part of her reason for breaking up with me. I am good at earning it but horrible at managing it (somewhat).

Me: That was shitty how you broke up with me, but I still care for you. Let's talk about getting back together.
Her: It was shitty and I realized I lost a good guy soon after. Let's talk about getting back together.

That was a concise version of our conversations over about 2 or 3 weeks mostly over the phone with a couple visits sprinkled in here and there.
Saturday Super Bowl weekend I was at her place with both of us having to work in the am I am bowing out for the night. Out of nowhere she dives in to give me head (she can be freaky, but emotionally conservative) I wasn't expecting it. We'd been flirting and touching all night, but had done the same other nights.

I stopped her with
'Hey before you do that there is something you need to know, that money thing is still much the same. Better but much the same'
then OK proceed

Of course those weren't exact words or circumstance but you get the gist. I'll answer questions you have but I wanted to start out with this limited information because it's what she had at the time.

Now the positions:

Her
You started this thing, thought it was what you wanted but when confronted you used some lame excuse to find your way out.

Me
I lost you to something I didn't fully explain last time. I don't want to lose you again for not having come clean. Also, blowing someone is a big enough deal that if I didn't tell you and you found out later it would be an even bigger deal.

Opinions?

 

Well, I compliment you for being able to stop at such a critical moment to give fair warning. I don't exactly understand what her issue is: is she under the impression that you did not, in fact, want head? Does she think that your honesty about the money issue (and believe me, I hear you on that, brah) was misplaced, or ill-timed, or just illegitimate?

Because to me, it sounds like you did the right thing. You saw things were heating up, and before the relationship turned a decisive corner, you let her know that what had been an issue for her in the past was still with you. Granted, ideally such a warning might be better given not right before a blowjob, but still, better before than after.

Good communication is generally the panacea to most relationship problems. Even if the issues of the two individuals are chronic, regular communication can defuse irritation and annoyance about them. Given that your account was concise enough that it's possible you left out some critical information, I can't say without a single iota of doubt, but it sure looks like you did the right thing, and her problem with you doing so is inexplicable and peculiar.

 

I'm going to go the other way on this and say your timing was almost, but not quite, perfectly wrong. Yes, you definitely should have had the discussion of the issue of your financial management with her. Maybe (probably?) before she got her lips wrapped around your joint, but once she started... not a good idea. You didn't say you did anything to coerce a blowjob out of her, and even if you had waited until the next time the two of you were together to bring up finances, so what? It's not like sucking you should be construed as a commitment to life-long companionship.

 

It's hard to time these things... ( heh ) I think you did the right thing. Waiting until after may have seemed more like putting her off with an excuse. You just wanted to clear the air first. If you had been talking for several nights previous, I wonder why it didn't come up earlier, but hindsight is 20/20, no?

 

Look we can debate whether the exact timing was right or not, but your intentions seem right and good.

 

I shoulda brought it up before. I thought I would tell her once I knew that she was in.
I thought she was still in the should I shouldn't I phase. Had she decided no, then there was no need to confess anything. We could continue as friends. Should she decide yes, I thought that something was part of our break up should be brought to the fore.
And I stopped her before the belt buckle was even popped. I felt as though if I allowed her to blow me and not tell her something that I would be taking advantage.
The timing was horrible, but I wasn't expecting sex at all. I thought I was leaving, a kiss maybe.

 

i agree that it was the right thing to do to make sure it was addressed pre-BJ...LOL i do think i would have talked about it sooner, adn i know for a fact that i personally could not have stoped a beej in progress... kudos, she will either appreciate it, or she wont, either way, you will know how to proceed.

also, sometimes good communication form one side, adn poor communication from the other can be worse than poor comm on both sides... pay attention, and make sure she is hearing you for what you intend to deliver... if she isnt, she may still have some of the same issues form 10 years ago as well...

 

cha-ching!

 

I'm sure you meant well, but the timing was poor, in my opinion. She just wanted to do something nice - it was only a blowjob, not a lifetime commitment.

I doubt you could have been in trouble for "receiving a blowjob under false pretenses"!

 

I wouldn't have, but I would have felt guilty

 

Happens all the time, doesn't it?
It is the oldest profession after all......

 

Hi, issmmm

Soooo ... You wouldn't let her loosen your belt until you'd 'fessed up about your problems in tightening it I had to get that out of my system. OK, now I'm listening very hard ... and checking my understanding:

She was seeing it as "You didn't really want the movement back to closeness that you'd seemed to". You were coming from "I could have, but didn't explain some crucial stuff that I should have - and I lost you the first time, well it ain't going to be that way this time. For you, your penis in her mouth would carry not only physical pleasure, but the meaning of the 'wedding vow'. Maybe not churches and priests, but as you say ... a Big Deal - the meaning of two people must see eye to eye on the basis of Full information. OK ... the two of you have got past the dispute that arose because of this. Did the 'getting past' include her realising that your 'withdrawal' was the Very Seriousness of commitment, that she'd initially thought was 'not there after all and you were making excuses'? I hope she got this it and its irony.

Now I'm going to make a wild comparison between having a BJ and financial management. BAD financial management is typically 'getting stuff cos It'd be nice to have now, without thinking though what else might be needed to keep the whole show on the road. My comparison is: If you did, concerning finances, what you did concerning that BJ, you'd be managing your finances pretty dang well, IMO. A salesperson could be standing in front of you, or you and your lady could be standing in front of a Great thing To have, and you'd be going ... "Yesyesyesiloveitiloveit .. BUT WAIT! there's important stuff we must consider before going ahead". I mean: that's Financial Management in action.

Can you see where I'm going with this. Issmmm ... er .. if you can, then you're a better man than I am ... it's all very fuzzy, cos though I read your posts and threads as well as I can, I'm not you, but trying to walk in your and her shoes?

Let's go back 10 years: You & Her, Money, Communicating. In a general sense, you know you were not good at financial management (I'm understanding that's the bit you'd NOT told her then and are therefore making it darn clear and open about now, yes?) But I'm wondering how you got along, purchase by purchase? It's you and her in the same home with two incomes, two disparate interests in stuff - you're not getting lipstick and she's not getting heavy duty shaving tackle; also, it's one relationship and shared goals with pooled income to achieve them. Tell me: how did the two of you go about talking about that money kind of stuff on a day to day basis?

I've GOTTA ask all this, because your BJ night is a prime example of two people with great warmth and intentions missing each other half way. About stuff which is important to both of them. Did you miss each other half way 10 years ago? I'm asking you, did you and she get into talks about the 'family money', or rather FAIL to get into them properly due to disagreements in timing timing and/or other 'not in tune' issues? Talks which, if they'd been able to be sat down to, might have DISSOLVED the bloody mess whereby you who Love each other ... Lost each other?

There's timing, which is what this thread's about, yet I reckon What's Being Timed was also crucial ... I mean fecking massive .... Turning Point Huge .... not sure, cos I'm not you, but from here, I'm seeing a turning tide .... try this:
BJ night WAS a cards-on-the-table moment - it was the moment when she was Showing you the Sugar, the moment you had the opportunity to BUY NOW. And you did, but NOT what was expected. Instead, you Bought Now into the Longer term priorities: Truth, Openness and Communicating with her. Way I see it, timing or no timing, it was the night you insisted that the future SHALL NOT be like the Past.

It was the night you made Karma your bitch.

I'll stop now, because though I SEE a possible pattern, it's only You and She who can confirm how much it may be so, and take it further. Take care.

 

Some background:
When I meet her, I'd been married for about ten years. The divorce was in it's early stages, papers signed attorneys hired but no court date as yet. these thigs take quite a bit of time.
The Ex-wife was living with her new beau, having left leaving the kids with me. The GF moved in with me and my two boys. I took care of everybody as she made a bit less than I did. Of course she helped conciderably, but it was a 60/40 kind of thing.
I intentionally hired a girl lawyer in the hopes that the court seeing a lady represent me might not think I was all bad. I paid a retainer of about 1500-2000 dollars, I forget which, and for that I got 2 or 3 phone consultations after the initial meeting. Later, I get a call from my at that time ex wife that the divorce was done, over. That was confirmed when I called my lawyer. She told me that she had been trying to reach me to let me know two things. One, that she needed more money to continue and two that I had a date with a judge. This was the early time of cell phones when they sent you such detail that you bill showed who you talked to for how long and when for each call...by default. There was no record. neither was there any correspondense. Suffice it to say that I got reamed. Every bill we had together was now mine. No prperty to split, just the bills and the ex was quite generous in letting me have them all. I don't remember the number but I was in a hole. Add to that the cost of having to leave school a semester and a half to deal with this.

The bills weren't that great, so how did they become a problem?
My ex-wife is very religious.And from the south...deep south. You know those people who you can't have a conversation with that doesn't involve Jesus, or God's Blessings, of the devil? that's her family. I went to the same church with them, but being of independent thought I, well had independent thought. So when the Pastor would stand up in the pulpit and say " God told me to tell you to give a hundred dollars" they gave a hundred dollars. He never called on me. I speculate that he knew I would ask 'well why didn't he just tell me? I'm standing right here.'
I bring that up to say that when bills were due and money short, the wife gave until it hurt.
I would take the bills from my housewife and see that they were paid and over time brought back to good standing. Then I would sit her down and try to explain why she can't do this, extracting a promise before I gave them back to her, but it continued.
So when I meet the new girl, I kept from her the financial troubles I was having. I could keep up with day to day stuff, I just had to divert anything exteaneous to old bills. It caught up to me and that was what I hid from her. She still doesn't know the full story and like a snowball on a hill things got worse. But things also got better. I am debt free in about two and a half years.

And I was thinking of long lasting words like ever and always, so I stopped her from giving me a BJ. Her blowing me was her 'signal' to me that she was on board with the lifetime thing and for me not coming clean was paramount to lying.

BTW, she has a daughter who was 17 when I meet her, who even after a ten year absence thinks of me as more of a father that her own.

But that could be just because I'm awesome.

 

Hi, issmmm

Those are two definite points counting toward awesomeness, and, given what you've gone through, sounds like you're a survivor and, in my book, it's right to give yourself credit.

And thanks for the background. The lawyer and cellphone thing is outside my understanding ... my non-legal-trained mind's first instinct is that itemized phonebills showing that she did not phone you would be rock solid evidence that your lawyer had not tried and was therefore lying, and that that would have been a significant evidenced fact to bring before a judge. More relevantly here, my post was begging lots of questions about HOW the 'financial mismanagement' was happening. You were trying to keep the show on the road for her and the kids, but it was like filling a bucket with a hole that the church was sucking at. I was making a wrong assumption about how your finances had been working, and needed to be educated. Thank you.

The BJ night was where you came clean.

Here's the gist of what you told her as copied from yout OP:

OK .. it's better, in that you are debt-free in about two and a half years; also, she still doesn't know the full story. Does this mean that for two and a half years, there will still be an unexplained siphoning from your account, after which the 'hole' will have been filled, and your and her finances will be stable and mutual foundation for security? What I'm saying here is "Apart from clearing this debt, are you an OK financial manager? Will this two and a half years be source for possible problems due to the last stages of the clearing of the debt? And will not telling her what you're not yet telling her, work against the - and I mean it - awesome achievement of BJ night, either in your relationship with her or in your conscience" - my point being that the more you can reveal sooner, the better. Not because God will kill a kitten every time you don't, but because you've made, with her, a Big Symbolic Moment, and even though she's chosen to bicker about the timing, she will remember the moment itself. Looking at it from her point of view, her going "I'm going to give him a BJ" was, indeed, a Huge Symbolic Moment. You'd read her right, and made it into a Big Moment of Truth. You interrupted the journey to pump up the tires - therefore there will be expectations about the quality of the ride.

Eh ... thanks for having responded to me on this aspect of the matter. You'd opened the topic ONLY about the timing. Here's me 'kicking the tires' and turning pieces round in my mind. I reckon I'm moved that you'd lost someone precious, and that it's looking like your getting her back. All the best.

 

thanks Zen

 

^this

 

me too, but I wasn't expecting a bj, I wasn't expecting anything to happen that night. In fact we were to watch the super bowl the next day, I thought I'd tell her after the game. we did in fact watch the game together, but I couldn't get into it cause I'd upset her and wanted to make it right. But she would hear none of it, saying, no, enjoy your game and giving me the stink eye

Had I been more forthright I could have enjoyed the game and a blow job at the same time..in a solid relationship

We're all good now

 

ooooh... the cursed stink eye.... i hate the stink eye...

at least your all good now...