Need a quick response regarding dating!

I'm not sure where to begin...

I stopped dating because I needed to work on myself before I could be with someone. I'm open to the concept, but there's still a lot I need to learn about myself and quite a bit that I need to change before I'm ready to try a relationship.

I have been consistently rejected by a company that I desperately want to work for. Every time I interview with them and get turned down because there is a "more qualified candidate" I ask myself - What could I have done during the interview to come off as the more qualified candidate? Do I need to change my appearance? Do I need to be in better shape? Do I need to have different things highlighted on my resume? And then I work on improving myself.

Dating is not really that different. Every date is an interview. I don't suggest improving yourself to someone else's standards. I do suggest looking in the mirror and asking - Would I want to date this person? No? What do I need to change about myself that I can love myself more?

I also still stand by my earlier statement re: meeting people as friends. This includes Meet-Up.com. Yes, I realize you didn't see any groups that were in your age group, but find things that interest you. Things that you can become passionate about. (PASSSION IS A HUGE TURN ON!!!) By finding groups that interest you, you will find friends. Friends are much more important than a relationship. Those are the people that support you when that relationship is going through ups and downs. They're the people you can turn to when you're having a crap day. (I do split this apart from marriage. I believe your spouse should be your best friend.)

Those people who are 45 may have a niece or nephew that is your age. Maybe that nephew has a bunch of friends that like to do some of the same nerdy things you do. Maybe he knows some girls that like that crowd of guys? But, you have to get out there and do it....

All of this (as well as ZombieSquirrel 's therapy suggestion) doesn't mean squat if you don't believe it will work. If you go in believing something won't work, it won't. It's that simple.

 

I have nothing against therapy and I think it would help me. But I just can't afford it. My deductible to see a mental health professional is $800, so insurance won't cover it without me paying that much out of pocket. After rent, electric, gas, cell, food, etc I just can't spare the money to see one with my own money. I would love to see one if it was free, but haven't ran into any.

Of course I feel bad for myself. What person "wants" to be alone for 26+ years? The worst part of this all is knowing that she took the time to think about how I was as a person and if I would be a suitable partner, and coming to the conclusion that I wasn't good enough.

It also aggravates me that women will stay with a physically abusive husband, yet the awkward guy doesn't even get the opportunity to treat her right.
--- merged: Mar 25, 2013 at 9:52 PM ---

I feel I don't have the time to work on myself first... I feel like the end is coming close for me if someone doesn't motivate me to pull through; I'm not even talking about a potential partner either. I dunno...

I'll take a look at the site again too... And thanks.

 

All the fun of this thread came to a crashing halt after your last few posts. This isn't about you going on a date, it's about you dealing with a serious problem that wasn't evident at first.

I'm not a psychiatrist, and I'm not qualified to make any diagnosis, so I won't. What I will say is that your descriptions of and attitude toward this experience are consistent with what I've seen friends and relatives with severe depression go through. Don't accept the generations-old bullshit attitudes about mental health being a reflection of your character and willpower. Nobody with half an ounce of common sense will tell you to man up and push through a bad case of pneumonia, because anyone who would is a fucking idiot. You have a severe problem with your self-image, and most likely severe depression caused by or alongside that. Even if I'm wrong and there's nothing wrong with you, seeing a psychiatrist and having a checkup is the best way to find out.

 

I was told by a few friends who've seen psychiatrists that I probably have "situational depression", in that the only reason why I'm sad is because the only thing that is hurting me is not having a partner. Which I agree. The only thing I hate in my life right now is not having someone in it to share with. And pills don't help with situational depression.

 

Being single is the only thing that makes you miserable enough to make the connection and identify it as depression. Situational Depression is primarily treated with therapy, but may be treated with medication. It's likely that your situational depression is comorbid with either depression caused by your low self esteem or body dysmorphic disorder. You exhibit warning signs of both.

 

A) Listen to what's been said above: you need to tackle this yourself. No one is coming to rescue you.

B) Time? You are 26. You have time. Lots of time.

Take the advice above. Get some help, if only to rule out certain possibilites.

 

I'll play contrarian since I don't believe that depressed people necessarily need to sit on an overstuffed couch and talk to a stranger with canned lines about how depressed they are while writing off three digits in their checkbook.

While treatment for a condition is the goal, I think that money is better spent on something that gives back directly instead of indirectly arriving at that particular goal by someone holding your hand like maybe you're a fucking toddler.

I think old boy needs to get the fuck outta the house.

Let's say that I was a guy that suffered from Godzilla-sized depression during his teen years. Let's say I had toilet level self-esteem and body dysmorphic disorder. Let's say I was a total Internet shut-in with zero contact with the outside world.

There are a few ways to change that: blunt force trauma and endless repetition. You can engage in something new that forces you to change or you can engage in something that changes you through repeated exposure to a new behavior pattern.

The blunt force thing is something that a lot of people do after major life events such as break-ups/divorces, deaths or other shit sandwich situations. You just graduated with a worthless degree and can't get a job after a year? Army of One'd!

Sports are the obvious answer. Those of us that can't manage to operate anything ball-shaped tend to gravitate toward things such as martial arts, shooting sports and other team events that require interacting with some pretty hard-ass individuals.

You're alone? You're ugly? You're sad? Nobody gives a fuck. And they don't give a fuck mostly because they don't know you. You wanna get through whatever it is that you're in? You gotta get out there, do something new and find new people.

I got into karate after I got out of the military and was dealing with my stupid divorce. Not only did I get in shape and meet new people, but I found a support group that eventually let me talk to them about the anger and worry I had been carrying.

 

Protip: Tae Kwon Do is for pussies. So don't do that.

 

Anonymoose, a lot of folks who are a lot smarter than me have given you good advice in this thread. But I've been close enough to your situation in my past that it bears mentioning. Maybe this helps, maybe it doesn't. If nothing else, it's a different perspective.

I was a fairly shy and definitely awkward teenager that got thrust into a new school for high school due to circumstances largely out of my control. I had a small group of friends and dwelled at the bottom of the social structure, despite demonstrating enough athletic talent to get scholarship offers from Division I schools in my sport. No girl ever expressed more than passing interest in even being my friend. I repeated the same pattern for college (although I did manage to lose my virginity somehow) and then twice post-college - moving to new places without knowing more than a handful of people and having no social structure ready to accept me.

Where this is relevant is that last one. I moved from Atlanta to Southern California for a job that in retrospect I can't believe I was even offered given my skills at the time. I had just broken up with the first girl that I ever really loved, and it seemed like a good idea at the time. I was 15 years younger than my peers in the new gig and had nothing in common with them. I actively (or so I thought) looked for groups to join and couldn't find any, even in my sport of choice (in retrospect, I realize that I failed on my first attempt and then simply gave up - a recipe for misery). I had no money (the job was a lot different than what had been promised before I took it), no friends at all and no prospects for anything to change. So one night I got two 6-packs of Henry Weinhart's Private Reserve beer and set my largest and sharpest kitchen knife in between them.

I drank all the beer with no accompaniment - no TV, no music - and just one light on. And I stared at that knife all night. I really thought that it was going to end with me slitting my wrists, but in the end I "chickened" out. That remains my darkest day to date and one that only about 4 people IRL know happened.

I'd love to tell you that I woke up the next day hangover-free and with all the answers, but that didn't happen. But I did realize that I had a problem. And that no one was going to come and fix it for me. I don't have any answers for you. I can't give you perspective on your journey since it's taken me just about 20 years to be able to write those 3 paragraphs above (it took me 24 hours to decide that I would allow myself to respond). In many ways, I'm still not "fixed", but things are much, much better.

Here's what I want you to take away - none of us know how to make your life better, you included. But the one thing that every single poster agrees upon - yourself included - is that the status quo is unacceptable. There have been a bunch of suggestions on what you can do to change the status quo - therapy, sports, church - and any or all of them could be the key you need to at least find some balance in your life. At this point, you seem to be averse to even trying one single new thing. And THAT right there is what you need to change. What it is you chose matters much, much less than the actual act of choosing to do something - anything.

But, then again, I'm the village asshole. People should avoid me on general principle.

 

Relevant:

 

Dear Anonymoose (one day I will learn how to tag people in TFP >.<),
seems to me that everyone is trying to toss in the pot his share of experience into the pot maybe secretly hoping you will discover to be newborn in an overjoyed crazy gal ready to kiss life in her ignoblest parts in the renovated understanding that you share this same pain with a sizeble part of humanity.
I know it doesn't go that way, but please please please, even if the mixture of common loathing brings you to a little session of "cry over my shoulder I don't mind", don't overlook the very good concepts a lot of people are trying to tell you (above all I think of Baraka_guru, but also Plan9).

I will add just a couple of few remarks hoping to give a different perspective on few things and maybe put the pressure off.
Relationships are NOT always just working/performance relationships. Is not just a thing of "get better, be pleasing, be convinced, be self-motivated, harder, better, faster, stronger". If it's true that no-one wants to build a relationship out of self-loathing and crying while prefer an aquaintance with a overpompous funny piece of sh*t, relationships are ultimately about honest connections from person to person and from person to people.
Trying to be the best one on earth doesn't do you any good in building satisfying long lasting relationships. Overcoming your personal limitations is a fundamental part of personal growth, a fundamental part that sometimes have to precede the building of new, more deep and mature, relationships.

Simply look at here: you are building connection with these people. And you are not doing it coming here and telling everyone "Hey, look at me, I'm a crazy shitted badass!!" but talking about your experiences and facts, happenings, and, ultimately, happy situations and even problems. Obviously on the internet is easier and faster, but you can imagine that if you come here just for bragging about your coolness everyone would have been "meh" and if you come here straight lined bringin in the door something so heavy such as a big personal problem you can imagine that you would haven't got all those heartily and insightful answer you have received.
Gee is Half past midnight in Germany and I'm answering to someone that I don't know just because I empathize, because you have been honest, you have been yourself.

Relationships are all about that, much more complicated, but in general are not about "performance" and the success of intrapersonal relationship and communication is not simply restricted to self improvement and self-esteem.

This pinned me down for a long time, and if you want to know my personal experience about this simply ask here, in another thread, in PVT, I don't mind... as you can see this is a relationship we are building, carefully, slowly (not so much ). You have not to be so much conerned about friends, and women to a major extent, is all about that, slow threading of bonds. And without being the best badass guy on the east coast.

The other thing that is connected to the point before (but the connection is for expert solver only ) is that no-one gives a shit about your problems.
Or at least, no-one gives a shit if you have not threaded a bond, a connection, if you are not intimate with the other(s).
And if your problems are a major obstacle in the way of getting intimate one with others you will never get the help from anyone. And, in ultimate analysis, everyone, even that "special person" (maybe not the top-special person that you will take with you for the rest of your life, I have no experience about that, but for sure a normally special person with whom you can share a very important some-years relationship) care up to a certain point. No-one (except, maybe, your future wife and your parents, maybe) would ever have as a one and only 24/7 lifetime-quest the objective "I have to make **** feel better despite of this seemingly untackable problem" (I wonder if the grammar and spelling here are correct :O).
Since anyone cares up to a certain point you cannot expect someone jumping into your life and solving your (are yours for a reason, don't they?) problems 24/7 despite all your possible resistence 24/7.

But here it comes the bright side: since no-one care how intimately fucked-up you are when you are alone at night in your bedroom, no-one cares if you are the best man in the world either. They just care about the bonds.

You are not badass, you are not confident, you are not handsome... and so what?
In the end you can be the most beloved or hated guy in the group with or without that qualities, all that is important is the connection, experiences, talkings, concepts, you share with the others.

And this is also situational: no-one care if you go in the same church or group, if you call the two guys you had fun with in that nargilè bar (I don't remember the american denomination) up to 4 a.m., if you even call the girl and want to retry having your coffee ("this time you pay!" My original post is how I usually offer everything up to a certain sum, I expect the other to be comprehensive about the situation and evaluate, knowing that I'm a fucked-up academic jerk with few money).
She surely won't mind, so why do you?

You have to learn that this "no-caring" stuff must be the other way around, in order to survive and there is line where you are a "sensitive" and "caring" type of guy (usually good for relations!) and when you are starting to freak out about "ouch, what happen if the others... but if I do this then the others... How can I do this while the others..." (really really bad thing for relations). Even if you seem sooo far from "having a normal social line" it can be that you are thiiiis close to having a gorgeus life with a good amount of intimate friends, if you only drop down all these "what if" and "how can I" and this self-loathing. Learn to don't give a fuck about "what the others think" and learn to care about "the others" is simpler than go from "don't giving a fuck" about the others" and learing to care.

Keep things in perspective man, it's all about it, and you are on the right track for sure if you keep on that way.

Dark Matter is called "Dark Matter" just because it has weight and gravity even if don't know where the hell that weight and gravitational pull comes from (if there exist an excess of pull, as noticed in the osbervations of galactical motion, or there some other physical phoenomenon we don't understadt well). What you mean is probably the Dark Energy that is the main part of the observable universe, even though day-before-yestarday discoveries of PLANK satellite get the problem into a different perspective.

Sorry for the Science Bitching, but Galileo won't forgive me if I overlook cosmological sized problems

 

Don't go to a church expecting not to get judged. That is the one piece of advice I can honestly offer.

 

I just want to thank you all for your encouraging - if not harsh - words, advice, and personal stories. I woke up today, not having eaten anything in a day and a half, and read your posts and continued reading throughout work during the slow times.

It kind of gave me inspiration I guess, in a weird way. And it actually made for a really twisting, 360 day.

I just said fuck it, you're right. Nobody gives a shit about how I feel. I'm the only one that could make a change for myself. So I decided to go straight to the gym after work (which is free from my company). It was hard even going there due to their being a lot of good, in shape people. I did HIIT around the indoor track, passing by all the slowpokes walking. Although I'm not fat, I'm incredibly out of shape and wouldn't be able to run a mile in under 12 minutes. But I made it look good... and I felt incredible when I was done. I felt like I fit in or something, like I was supposed to be there.

After the gym, I kind of felt a new confidence. I kind of felt like an asshole or something too. With this new found ability, I decided to text that girl that this whole thread was created for. I told her that although I didn't make a good first and second impression, I become stronger with every failure (or something to that extent). I did this because I wanted closure, I wanted to feel like I can do better than her and I will improve on myself to achieve that. Well, after I texted her that she fucking texted me back asking what I was doing tonight. I said the gym (even though I was done). She asked me if I wanted to fucking come over and watch a movie. What the hell? This is the girl that made me (by my own doing) not be able to eat and made my heart drop. So I was like, what the hell, I'll go. Bought some pizza and brought it over and watched the movie with her. I didn't even really want to make a move. She didn't make a move either. But I made her laugh a lot. I was fucking hilarious! Like how I'm hilarious to my friends back home. And then like, I felt I don't really even have any feelings for her... She texted me later tonight saying she really enjoyed my company and thanked me for coming over. So maybe I'll have a good friend out if this and nothing more. Which is okay, because I don't want to just settle for what I can get. I want to be with a girl that makes me happy because she just does.

With that said, I'm gonna put my money towards a decent bike, like a $500 bike. I want to get in better shape and hell, maybe biking will give me the endurance I need in a couple months to be able to join a flag football group. The hardest part will be keeping myself motivated. I don't know if this girl will somehow find a way to break me again. We are meeting up on Sunday, but didn't go into details for what. Not sure if I should just break it off completely so that she doesn't have the chance to get to me.

 

Be careful with the emotional rollercoaster over here. As I said, you have try to be a balanced person... not just confident, motivated and whatever...

In any case good deal with the physical excercise, and happy biking and footballing (try soccer if you're out of shape )

 

Anonymoose, I checked in with the Savage Love column today and saw something that reminded me of you and your situation.

Maybe this isn't what you need, but it's an option.