Relationship Concerns

If you ever, EVER, even slightly desire children, GET THE HELL OUT NOW. Don't bother making explanations, don't bother trying to compromise, quit worrying about what people will think of you, just leave. Kids do not deserve to be raised in homes like this. I speak from personal experience; my mother is an alcoholic and a drug addict. My husband was raised by his mother and her string of husbands/boyfriends, all of whom were drug addicts and/or alcoholics. We are the "normal" ones. My brother was a drug addict and committed suicide at 28 (he was also schizophrenic, but he started using drugs years before he exhibited symptoms of the disease). My sister is a drug addict (says she's clean, don't know if she's lying or not). My husbands sister is a drug addict and alcoholic with 4 kids. I can only hope one of them grows up ok. The cycle perpetuates.

That said, I think you should leave anyway, and don't look back. My husbands mother died last summer - I think the official cause of death was ruled suicide due to the large quantities of drugs found in her system, but no one is really sure if it was just a drug overdose. Her friends and family enabled her and made excuses for her entire life, except for my husband. Their relationship was rocky to say the least. I remember my husband asking his mother to get help and she always said she would quit. She did go to rehab twice, but they were court ordered visits, they weren't voluntary. Ultimately the drugs won out.

You deserve better. Your fiance may really be a great person, and helping him to get help is an admirable thing to do, but he's not going to change unless he really, really wants to. Even then, relapse is something you'll worry about. If you decide you just can't live without him, put off marrying him until he goes to rehab, completely ditches any relationships that contribute to or enable his habit, and can stay clean for a couple of years. But really...you should leave.

 

All I see are 13 excuses for staying in a bad situation.

 

Yeah, pretty much.

 

It can be hard to walk away when you knew someone different in that body, that body that slowly starts to fade. I've known a lot of people who were able to change, were able get clean, but they wanted to. Those who don't want to won't, and there is a point, now matter how much you loved them, where you have to walk away for your own sanity.

 

there is something the that Red is not fessing up to i think, I could be wrong but I get the impression that she was at least for a t ime in the same place as her future hubby, using casually
If it's something she thinks he should have left behind in his 20s maybe it something she did...leave behind in her 20s
if that's the case, then she woud find it difficult to judge because he got caught up and she didn't
if thats thhe case Red look to the future
can he, will he give it up?
If you tried it and was able to enjoy it for a time and walk away, don't feel you have to give him any latitude at all
you have to think of the children who MIGHT come, you have to think of the future you are likeley to have
some of us can try drugs and others of us can't
I tried cocaine and found it boring I even tried crack, the ritual of cooking and getting the shit ready was more interesting than the ingesting, the environment around both was shitty and not something I cared for
Unlike some I can't demean you guy, I mean drugs are a hard thing to have to deal with but so is assholiness
there are some clean cut guys out there who don't so much as drink a beer that are as bad for a relationship as the deepest caught addicts and as detrimental to children

you'll know what to do

If I am right about your using, so what? You stopped for what ever reason. If he can't stop for you guys future toghther and your kids........fuck him

 

My friend Clair was like a hippy earth mother type, a traveller. She reminded me of a daisy, open faced, glorying in the sunshine. She had been an alcoholic, even injecting it, and had been into 'powder'. Her husband was an asshole. She had a child, they dearly wanted a second. They went to Holland, came back and had a little girl. Her husband got heavily into junk in Holland, and later he became one of those men with stumpy black teeth wandering the town, the sort you avoid eye contact with, he beat her, he was mental and horrible. Thy split up. Clairs next romance was with drink. I would take her daughter to the mental hospital when she was in there drying out. She gave away her longed for daughter, let her husbands cousin foster her. I would visit her in intensive care, her head would feel so tiny, and all her bones felt frail - like a little bird. She asked me why I was crying, it was because I didnt want to watch her die. She became diabetic and still drank. She also did other stuff too.
I did not want to be at her funeral, her son a young man, her daughter still at school. Her husband had died some years earlier - heroin I think.
Would you want your children not to have a dad suddenly, or after a slow decline.
As Grasshopper said so well, what you decide to potentialy put yourself through is one thing, decide which of the excuses on Poetrys list you wish to use, but dont bring children into the world to suffer and get their heads fucked with. Whats it like as a kid, to look at an empty cheap cider bottle, or an empty wee plastic bag, and to know that these things have more value to your dad than you do? Please dont bring kids into it. He has to give up for himself, not for you, but because he has come to the decision that its time he quit. Do you know all of the times he does it? If he could keep it under your radar on occassion, would he? People with a taste for such things quite often become proficient liars.

 

Wow, I really didn't expect people to still be contributing to this thread. Thank you. I don't even take the condescension and righteousness personally. This has definitely made for interesting conversation here.

I have read all the replies, but it would take me forever to go back and quote directly, so I can just give you a general update.

So far, things are on a steady path - no mention of coke or any signs he is seeking it out. A few of you inquired as to how often he used - I can tell you that a year and a half ago I didn't know he had ever used. About a year ago he brought some home, I freaked out and he flushed it - I saw him. Nothing really came of it after that until I guess the beginning of the year - it started with a friend giving him some when we visited his hometown. It was at most, once a month or 6 weeks. I didn't like it then, but no, I didn't really say anything. I know, I should have. I think then I was more in shock as I have never been around it at all in my life. In the last couple of months it had increased to a pretty typical Friday night/morning. Never more than that, and I feel confident in saying that I would know. His personality changes when he is high, and is pretty unmistakable, at least to me. He is not mean or violent when high, he is actually quite calm and pleasant. I'm guessing this is not the norm? Having never been around it before him, I don't have anything else to compare it to...

To whomever it was that said I basically needed to bolt anything down that I didn't want sold for coke - that seems a little extreme. I'm sure that there are some cases where it is that bad, but there has not been an instance where we went without or bills didn't get paid because he needed to get high.

So yes, perhaps I am being naive to think that since it was just a once a week or once a month thing, that he can kick it for good and we can live happily ever after. I have never done cocaine in my life, and never plan to - but issmmm is right, I did have a different substance abuse issue that I realized was a detriment to my quality of life and my health and was able to pull myself out of the abyss. Because of that, I want to believe that he can/will do the same. Perhaps I am a "standard issue female", though I've never been called such before, actually quite the opposite- I wonder what many of you would actually do if you were in my shoes. It's easy to tell someone how to live their life - it's much harder being the one living it. How many of you can say you have been in my shoes and left your partner? Just food for thought...

I sincerely believe that he wants to quit - because he always talked about how much he regretted it the morning after. Not merely because of a hangover, but more because of the guilt he associated with it. It is my hope that the guilt will keep him in line to stay clean.

As far as a pre-nup - how exactly would that work? If he were to sign it, what would happen if he did do coke after we were to be married? I get x amount of money? I'm not sure how having a pre-nup would really give me any protection, other than monetary, if that were the stipulation. It's an interesting thought to ponder, though.

Yes, this is a hard thing to deal with. And yes, so is "assholiness". And so are psychiatric disorders. At what point do you decide that you can or cannot live with a person's faults - it really is subjective, isn't it? But wait, substance dependence and substance abuse are considered Axis I disorders in the DSM -IV-TR, but so would Schizophrenia. Would it be better to have a partner with an Axis II disorder - Schizoid or Borderline Personality Disorder, anyone?

Alright, enough for now, I'll check in again soon.

 

Hi RedSneaker

Thanks for this update, and looking forward to the next one.

Best wishes

 

I think you should go with most people's advice and leave. You only live one life.. should probably make it as happy as possible.

 

I would say leave too, but good luck whatever you choose. Have you asked any drug counselors what they think of your chances of having this relationship? I'm sure you can find one somewhere, maybe an 800 number to call and ask an expert's opinion on this drug and it's implications.

 

that was my word...nice

 

Some of the advice offered here reads like an Ayn Rand novel: smart and sensible enough yet coldly pragmatic to the point of insultingly reducing the complexity and dynamism of RedSneaker's situation along with her feelings and motivations to something inhumanly static and meaningless.

Yeah, it's obvious that the quality of her life would increase exponentially were she to kick his ass to the curb. Continuing to love someone despite their drug addiction doesn't automatically entail suffering along with them nor may doing so be in the best interest of the addict. However, pretending as if the decision to love and spend the rest of your life with someone should hinge upon a tally of pros and cons (as was actually suggested) is just as ridiculous as treating RedSneaker and her situation as nothing more than an open and shut case of a lovesick idiot (or Standard Issue Female, if you will) with a parasitic drug abusing monster for a partner.

I get that this is nothing more than stuff posted on the internet, none of us are professionals and that no one is owed anything but have we forgotten that this particular situation - distant as it may be to us - is her actual life being discussed here? That some of you were haughty and condescending in the process of offering such nonsense is shameful.

I have. Having seen how easily one can lose their grasp on reality when suffering under the kind of cognitive dissonance that results from seeing someone you love harm themselves and behave dangerously, I urge you to seek professional help in sorting this stuff out. Love is a dangerous thing and if you're still going to be with him then his addictions are your problem. Were I you, I'd base my decision to stick around with how serious he is about getting help and getting clean.

Good luck.

 

Just caught this.

I'm sorry if you found any of my comments to be condescending. They weren't intended as such, though I do acknowledge they were fairly flat and unsympathetic. I tend to be more sympathetic in emotion situations where there isn't such a major dealbreaker as cocaine use. There's some things that, in my mind, simply aren't allowed. Once those things occur, emotions must get tossed in order to ensure survival. You shut off, you get to a safe place, you turn back on a deal with the grief. The. End.

I'm constantly told I'm unique. Different. Special. Better. Not like other girls.

And, in ways, sure, I'm different.

But at my core, I'm just another Standard Issue Female. I get in emotional situations that I can't/won't detach from because I'm in that star-studded love and no matter what my friends or family say, no matter how much respect I have the advice giver, everything that does not agree with my goal of staying with my partner is ignored or rationalized. He's different. It's different. We're special. He did this one thing once. You just don't understand him. You just don't understand me. The situation is beyond your comprehension. Etc bloody etc.

At its base, love is a chemical addiction.

And, while I have not been with a cocaine addict, I have been engaged to a man with his own addictions. A month away from the wedding, maybe less, I realized that I could not, would not compete with his addictions, that I would not allow his unhealthy actions endanger my life, control my life. So I left him. Cried and cried and cried. Thought, like most of us do, that I'd never find someone for me, never find love again, whatever emo bullshit we spout after a long-term relationship has ended.

So it's not exactly the same. Nothing will ever be exactly the same when comparing two relationships. But it's close enough. And I'm certainly not the only one who has gone through similar.

You stay with him, you don't. He stops using, he doesn't. You have good years, you have bad ones. The relationship survives, it doesn't. You're pulling petals off of flowers hoping the get the one that predicts a good future. You're in a crap situation and it might get better. Might not. Might end up wasting a few years (or more) with him. But that's your choice to make.

Most of us would not be willing to stay with a drug addict. However, it seems like you might be. Maybe it'll work for you. Maybe it won't. But you came here for input and we gave it. I certainly could've couched it better, more understanding, but I didn't. I don't know you, I don't know him. Even if I did, I'd still speak plainly about your situation if asked.

Personally, I hope you leave him. I hope you get away, recover from the order, and find someone who not only is willing to be an equal partner, but actually wants to be. Someone you don't have to worry about hiding drugs around the house or sneaking out to go meet friends to do a line or two. Someone who will be there unfailingly for you and your possible offspring. Someone whose loyalty you don't have to question. Someone who will love you more than a bit of white powder.

 

RedSneaker said: ↑

Perhaps I am a "standard issue female", though I've never been called such before, actually quite the opposite- I wonder what many of you would actually do if you were in my shoes. It's easy to tell someone how to live their life - it's much harder being the one living it. How many of you can say you have been in my shoes and left your partner? Just food for thought...​

my ex was a chap who liked a drink with his mates - I thought. In reality, he would be stepped over at work as he would be drunk and out of it, the others did his work load, his mother gave him money - not for drink - but for everything else. He robbed his parents and tried to rob them. When he didnt get what he wanted, he would be violent, choke me, take my wages which were part time and which had to, because of him, magicaly stretch to cover all the expences for a family of four. He would give my stuff away to other people toi impress them with his generosity, and even had an elderly male lover I had not known about - another drinker/scource of drink. Done thing in public school he told me. If thats what public school does to a person..... hardly seems worth the fees does it. My little family didnt need him, we had already lost our nice small house and were living in very bad and unhealthy conditions, we had nothing left he could take.
The kids had a vote in it - it was unanimous - out he and his stuff went.
I let violence into my childrens lives - I feel an utter shit for that.
Seems your boyfriends habit is already increasing.
Love does make you blind - tis true.
I think you will marry him regardless, and every now and then you will want to have a mutter about it, but everyone in your circle will know the muttering is meaningless, that you will stand by your man. So be it. Please dont have children.

 

Some people try to make the prosaic math of life all dramatic. They try to make reason the enemy. Taking a picture of a portable toilet in black and white with a fisheye lens using a vintage Minolta SLR may make it art to some, but it doesn't change the fact that it's still just a nasty place where you drop a load after lunch. The complexity and dynamism of realizing that you're in a bad situation and that despite all your fear and doubt, you need to move on because you're hurting yourself. Self preservation logic. That despicable math at its finest. So cold and remote. The other thought process, the match to the flaming fury in the human soul, is a small slice of the logic that belongs to suicide vests and self immolation. Crazy shit people do because maybe they're under the impression that karma will pay them back for all their pain and suffering. I don't believe in karma or mythical outerspace superheroes and nobody on this island Earth has ever proved otherwise. A hug from a familiar someone might feel good in the moment, but it doesn't pay the bills, pick up the living room, do the laundry and keep you safe at night by not violating federal narcotics laws that could potentially allow law enforcement to seize your entire fucking house. The choices others make can hurt you regardless of how you feel about it.

Just sayin'.

Pretending as if the decision to love and spend the rest of your life with someone should hinge upon impulse and romance and other hot more-human-than-human poetic garbage is responsible for more pain and suffering than shruggin' like Atlas and reducing your life to the simple math that we use for literally every other aspect of our sane existence, including the interactions that led to romance in the first place. This is the logic of drunk guys at last call picking up swamp donkeys to throw it in so they can get rid of that itch below the belt. This is the logic of those swamp donkeys thinking that some day one of those inebriated horndogs is going to marry them. Higher level primates have been seen carrying the decomposing corpses of their dead offspring for weeks, even to the point that it becomes a health hazard. Their unconditional love makes them sick and, in some cases, actually kills them. Not just emotionally, but physically. Eh, like the magic of romance here, it's all good.

I won't play into the misogynistic "standard issue female" bit here, but I'm a fan of the "standard issue human." I think we've all been there. When our boyfriend left us during college, when our best friend died in a car crash, when we came home to our young wife servicing three strapping young bucks like some type of sweaty all-you-can-thrust orifice buffet. We let emotions get the best of us, but emotions don't actually pack our bags for us. Sometimes we need someone to remind us to pack our bags because, well, the house is on fire and we should probably leave.

What variety of Hallmark card are we supposed to offer someone in this situation? Would you be as forgiving for someone engaged to a gentle wifebeater or a part-time pedophile? "But that's different." Is it? How? Because drugs are a victimless crime? I think we all know differently.

Luck, like hope, isn't a good policy. Way too hands off. Might as well shout, "Jesus take the wheel!"

...

If reality checks were pleasant, people would reevaluate their life situation a lot more often.

​

 

Your opinion on RedSneaker's dilemma has already been documented well enough throughout the entirety of this discussion. It's my guess that you're either cultivating a reiteration fetish or are simply unwilling to acknowledge that my original post in this discussion quite successfully manages to encompass the pragmatic solution you've repeatedly (read: tirelessly) offered while also leaving room for the very real possibility that, as I've said before, this situation could be more than an open and shut case of a lovesick idiot with a parasitic drug abusing monster for a boyfriend.

If it's all so blatantly obvious then why waste the keystrokes? Surely I'm not even half the caliber clairvoyant you clearly are but I'd venture to guess that there's more to it than that for RedSneaker and regardless of however much you may enjoy the sound of your own voice, that's exactly what this discussion is about.

Just sayin'.

Who said anything about impulse, romance, emotions or unconditional love? You're clearly sitting on a cache of those ridiculous lines, the clever and unique brilliance of each I'd bet you're as sure of as the breath in your lungs but I wrote what I wrote and neither your reductive reading and repackaging of my ideas nor your pedantic ramblings phoning in too many tired shit-lit authors to list changes that.

As evidenced by my original post - no, not at all, actually. But please do continue telling me not only how I think and feel but also what the collective we knows.

Blah.

 

It's the only way to get you to post anything other than pictures. I'll take your Tilted Politics-style barely-veiled insults in big buckets for that.

/big grinning moron

 

Apologies for jumping into this lovefest, but while this case could be more than an open and shut case of lovesick idiot etc etc, all we have to go by is the information she gives us. It would be simply lovely (okay, not really) to go through her history, his history, a chromosomal map, have them both interviewed, along with friends and family, then pull up statistics for cocaine use and recurrence of cocaine use for their social and geographic demographic (along with the divorce rates, sure), and then have a professional report done up on the both of them as individuals and then as a partnership on a psychological level so we can make absolutely sure that this is a unique case and they do have a chance at happiness together... I'm not paid enough (or at all) to wade through all of that information to come to a decision regarding what she should do for Maximum Happiness, Minimum Guilt Results.

Honestly, it's not my judgement to make. Or yours. We offer opinions based on the (very limited) information provided and our own life experiences. Your answer is not the ultimate answer, nor is mine, Plan9's, or anyone else who posted in this thread. RedSneaker reads the comments, rejects or combines with her own decision, and does what she feels she needs to do for herself.