Relationship with ex

Last year I went through a divorce after 21 years of marriage. My ex-husband and I did not have a volatile marriage. We had some different views of our individual lives and our relationship that were not going in the same direction which was why we divorced. We went through a difficult 9 months after the split, i.e. getting used to the changes, some blame, some arguing, acting out, etc. but neither of us held on to anger or resentment with each other and we were able to divorce amicably.

Recently we have been talking more. We have always been able to talk and get along and because we don't have expectations of the other as far as a romantic relationship or deep emotional intimacy now, the conversations are very easy and familiar. We have a similar sense of humor and can talk for 1-2 hours at a time. We talk almost everyday. We refrain from talking about the issues we had in our marriage because there is no point now. Neither of us want to get back together and there is not any flirting that goes on between us. I feel like I have known him most of my life and it is hard for me to imagine not having this friendship with him.

I am open to starting a new relationship. So, my question is: How would you feel meeting/dating someone who had a relationship like this with their ex husband or ex wife?

I am curious how people view this so please be honest. I have not been in this situation because I have been with him since I was 18. I would assume that if I met someone who was still friends with their ex, I would be ok with it but it may be because I am with mine. Is this something that would scare someone away?

I would be willing to scale our communication way back if someone I was interested in had a problem with it but I would not be willing to end it completely because we have a minor child together.

Thoughts/opinions?

 

I'm friends with my ex's ex husband and her new man, too. Was always cool about them.

OK .. I'd want it spelt out early in the relationship. In fact very early, because, given you'd be keeping up a close friendship with an ex, then 'cards on the table straight away' would be a powerful message of straightforwardness. I'd also be being given the early option to opt-out before my feelings got too engaged. I'd appreciate that, because I'd have been allowed a reasonably level head as I worked out what to do.

The fact that you'd be willing to scale, IMO, is good ... because there's no predicting what new loops might need space to form in the new relationship, and a daily or three times-a-week phone chat with the ex Might feel a bit claustrophobic. HAH ... yes, FormerPillowThief, My ex's mother. every couple of days there would be the 90 minute mother/daughter chat. Now she and I might have been having a great day BUT, after that chat, my ex was guaranteed to be in a certain Mood. You and your ex ... I bet you've got a 'style' between you, and unless you're very good at shifting all gears, there would be a feel of that style when you got back to your new man.
To some extent, In my opinion, it's right that he'd need to accommodate that. Let's face it, there'd be times when he would be, perhaps talking with your ex, if only to say 'Hello .. oh hi, Mr FTP, yup ... she's in the yard, I'll go get her .. how you doing, by the way? Good? Good .. I'll get her now'. At the same time, your scaling back would give space for the roots you and the new man might develop.

Me, I'd be totally cool with this. I confess, I'd have some childish elements of insecurity and maybe a little jealousy, but my attitude would be 'deal with it, Zen'. And I'd be celebrating that you'd moved forward without some hideous scars.

The fact that there is a minor child ... It seems 'obvious' to me that that is the deal breaker .... your ex HAS to be accepted as a part of your life, or your new guy is not the right guy. I also feel strongly that he needs to be accepted as your friend .. for that is what he is.

I just remembered ... When my ex an I split, a new girlfriend wanted to drive my ex and the friendship I had with her into obscurity. That was not going to happen, and it didn't.

Now I'm going to totally reverse myself, to some extent: I've not always been like this.What I've said above is something I Learnt to Be. I was brought up to have an attitude of 'Totally with or totally no contact' ... a sense that changing status of relationship away from Intimate meant having to turn them into Stranger for the rest of our lives. Listen to the language used in that kind of attitude: 'Split up' 'Broken up' 'Dumped' - a world without transitions. 'Clean Break', for example, is another of those cut-off words. Some people Have to do it that way. But those are not the ones for you, imo.

You've got me stirred in my thinking and feeling. I'll ponder more. Thank you.

 

FPT I am going through something similar. I recently separated from my partner of 15 years, having gotten together at 17.

So far we've been practising a pretty clean break, and the split has been amicable. Neither of us has hinted (or in my case I know this for sure) that we aim to reconcile. We only talk when there's some administrative matter to deal with, or when I'm curious about the cats (I left them with her).

So I don't, at the current time, have that sort of relationship with my ex. But I do have "the mark." What I am finding so far in the dating scene, is that until intentions about the relationship (long-term goals, short-term, casual, whatever) are clear, it is your right to withhold the information. But that depends on how okay you are with doing that. Basically, if your fling knows it's a fling, then why should a marriage in your past matter?

So far I've been on dates with two women. One is much more in the same boat as I am, and it was easier to lay my cards on the table, since her cards already were. Take home message: find someone in the same boat as you. Not that you should limit yourself, but it's the path of least internal and external resistance. I intend to explore beyond this woman, but meeting her has made my past far less of an issue.

 

I'd imagine this is going to be a very polarizing subject. Roughly two years ago, I probably would have leaned in the absolute opposite direction.

My original take would be "I want nothing to do with this woman." There would have always been that suspicion that maybe they still have feelings towards one another, etc, and that it's not worth the risk.

Since then, I've been involved with someone for two years who is on the opposite end of the spectrum, and the problem is exacerbated by custodial issues. I would MUCH rather have had the opposite - a clean, amicable break by two mature adults with no concerns over the "psycho ex" syndrome. Instead, we're plagued by constant concerns over retaliatory violence, the safety of our little girl, and then the awkward concerns regarding the child's feelings, how to tip toe around why both parents and myself can't all live together as one big happy family, etc. It is - at best - a nasty, disgusting mess that will inevitably drive me towards an early heart attack.

To reinforce this, my two best friends are also in similar situations. One was married early (as the result of a pregnancy), divorced many years later, and they still get along great as best friends. She routinely tells me that was the problem all along - they're great together, but in a purely platonic way. The other is a little less buddy-buddy with her ex, though they're both civil and on regular speaking terms, have no problems surrounding custody, etc, because again, they were able to maintain that relationship on speaking terms.

So, on that basis, I definitely wouldn't have a problem with you having a close relationship with an ex. I suppose the real "problem" would be how to approach it. Honesty is a great policy, but I'd also throw up a flag on the first or second date if a woman came running at me during the "getting to know you" period, and one of her biggest topics of interest was her last marriage. I suppose there's a fine line between dishonesty and new beginnings.

 

I have an ex-girlfriend who lives around the corner from me (5 or 10 minute walk between houses). We are still friends, but we had almost no contact for a year of 2 after we broke up. She is married, I'm married (to other people, of course). It isn't an issue for me. We talk when we run into each other (which is fairly regularly).

Everyone has past relationships. Some are amicable, some you never (or want to) speak to again. Most of my exs don't even get a mention, nor is there much need for them to be.

 

I appreciate the responses. I wouldn't have a problem scaling it back if I started dating someone. The communication is not emotionally intimate as much as familiar and something consistent which is lacking in my life right now.

Bear Cub- After reading what you wrote, I would be far more reluctant if I was to meet someone who still had "negative intimacy" with an ex. I have realized that some couples "close intimacy" is expressed through arguing. To keep that up after a relationship has ended is draining on both parties and I would image the stress it would create in a new relationships as well. With children involved it takes it to another level that I imagine is very hard to break and detach from the drama.

 

I would worry more about someone who wasn't friends with one or more of their exes. My experience is, if all the exes are bastards, then I'm going to be the next bastard. Having said that, the old relationship should not interfere with the new one.

 

You know, I think that in (what I assume to be) your age-range, that the people you date are also likely to be divorcees and, assuming they or their ex-partner are not psychotic or the married didn't go all D-Day at the end, they're going to have a similar relationship with their ex-partner. When you spend that many years with someone, even if you are no longer compatible, they've still had a major impact on who you are as a person and they're always going to be important to you.

Your best bet, in my opinion, is dating people in similar situations, who are mature enough not just to accept your choice of maintaining a close friendship with your ex, but also understand your choice.