Responses to unwelcome questions

From an early age, we're taught some basic social math: Man + Woman = Kids, right? But then, there you are in what is perceived as the prime years for fertility. You have a life partner. You're financially stable. You're happy with your life. For whatever reason, there aren't children. Maybe it's by choice. Maybe it's an illness. Personal or practical, it really doesn't matter what the reason is. It is what it is. You're ok with it, or maybe you're not. In any case, it's not something you really want to discuss. But it seems to be an endless point of confusion for those around you. They ask stupid questions.

"Why don't you have any kids?"
"When are you two thinking of starting a family?"
"Don't you want to be a parent? You're going to be a great mom/dad."


What unwelcome questions do you face?
How do you respond?
Please share any stories or advice.

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I know I'm not the only one who fields these uncomfortable questions.
I often have a difficult time finding the right answer. Something short, quick, and overall positive. Preferably something to make people laugh, but definitely a phrase that will end their train of thought and redirect the conversation.

Why don't you have any kids?
Response 1) Do you have any idea how much one of those costs?
2) Those little things? They're kind of smelly and gross, don't you think?
3). We do. They're just not human. Here's a photo of Cinnabunny, Gunner, and our Baby. (rabbit and hamsters)

When are you planning on starting a family?
Response 1) We did. 4 years ago. When we got married. We are a family. We're just a really small one. There are only two of us.
2) 4 years ago. Yep. That was a nice plan. Hasn't really worked out for us the way we expected.

You'll be such a good parent.
Response 1) Ha! You're too kind, but you must not know me very well.
2) That's sweet of you to say, but God apparently doesn't agree.

 

My husband and I have had to deal with a lot of this. We're nearing 30 and still don't have children. I'm okay with that. While I want children someday, now is not the time--neither of us are settled in our careers, and we don't have the economic resources to support a child. Luckily, our family seems to understand our position. It did take a lot of explaining, patience, and sticking to my guns, but most family members seem to have gotten the message. Most. There is still one exception.

Honestly, when people ask me why we don't have kids, I offer up a rather long-winded explanation that makes them regret they ever asked. Having studied human development, I offer up studies and statistics that support my position. When they argue back that I should have children before I'm 35, I point out that with proper screening, women can successfully have children well into their 40s. I also have several fun anecdotes about older mothers that I know to add to the length of my explanation. Depending on who asks, I may go for the deliberate overshare, just to make them uncomfortable: "Well, I have the Mirena IUD. When it's done, then we're going to talk about having children."

My opening sallies are similar to yours, genuinegirly. Why haven't we started a family yet? Well, you do know that according to people who actually study families, we are a family unit. Children aren't a necessary part of that arrangement, you know. Why don't we have any children? Well, because I feel it's incredibly irresponsible to bring a child into this world without having all the resources necessary to do so--financially, emotionally, and socially. Personally, I only have social resources presently. I have seen too many people struggle with their children and resent their children because they weren't prepared to be parents. I'm not willing to put my own child through that. I'll be such a good parent? Well, sure, maybe after I give up the drinking and smoking.

 

We don't have kids and are in our early/mid 30s, so we get the kids one too. My wife usually feels compelled to tell people we've decided to probably not have any. She's too nice not to explain herself to almost anyone who asks about anything. I'm constantly trying to help her understand that she doesn't owe most people an explanation on anything, especially personal matters. The hardest one on her is the "well you must not like kids then" or "some people just don't have a maternal instinct", when neither of those are anywhere close to the truth.

I'm more of the type to reply with something like "Well that's kind of a personal/nosy question, isn't it?!?" and flip the script on them. I have no problem telling people to butt out of my business.

 

My wife & I get them from her parents all the time.
Then when we say we are going to try to have kids, they turn right around and question that.

Can't win for losing, as they say...

While I tried intially to plan things according to logic.
I've finally come to point of taking the "Idiocracy" approach.
If it doesn't happen, then so be it. If it does, great...damn the consequences. STFU, let us live our lives.

If a multitude of people throughout the ages can have kids in any way, shape or form...thru a infinite amount of circumstances.
Then we can do it too, why not...I'm not going to fuck them up any more than any other moron or asshole.
And I'd like to think I'm not a moron or an asshole...

Are there going to be problems?...sure, but you can be healthy, rich & wise...and still have problems.
Problem with people is that they want it all, whatever their pretty little heads are thinking of that moment in time.

Step one, explain what's up calmly to those asking and what you'd like. (they should be happy with that)
Step two, if there is doubt...essentially say, Fuck off.

If they have a problem after that, then that's their problem...not mine.
And that's exactly my point.

The only thing I care about is keeping my job, paying the bills, staying healthy...everything else after that is semantics.

 

I'm usually diplomatic.

It depends on the context. For example, this past weekend I got the "where do you get your protein?" from my mother. She followed up with iron and electrolytes (seriously, and this from someone who has taken a course in nutrition). My answer was: plants. If it was someone else, I may have taken the time to explain, but it was my mother. She should know better. I think her problem is more that I'm doing something based on principle required discipline, which is more than what can be said by pretty much anyone in my family. (Just as one example, if you 've seen their diets....wow...they shouldn't worry about me; they'd be much better off if they emulated me.)

My SO and I used to get a lot of the "when are you having kids?" from my family. This followed the "when are you getting married?" they used to give us. They've since given up on both. We're both nearly 36 and have been together for nearly 12 years. If marriage and children were in the plan, it would have happened by now. At this point, if we were to have a kid, it would be delivered by an adoption agency, and we still wouldn't likely be married. I have 7.5 nieces and nephews, and my SO has 2. That gets both sets of parents off our backs, I think. It helps, I'm sure.

Now whenever I get the question about kids, I usually respond: "Kids? Pfft, I can barely look after myself. Are you kidding me?"

 

That reminds me of one of my other favorite responses. 'A kid? It took us over 11 years to decide we were responsible enough to get a DOG!'

 

What are you talking about, we're STILL not responsible enough to have a dog...
My eldest beagle has more sense than me.

But a kid? Those are easy.
Just put them in school, right??