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Responses to unwelcome questions

Discussion in 'Tilted Life and Sexuality' started by genuinemommy, Apr 11, 2012.

  1. cynthetiq

    cynthetiq Administrator Staff Member Donor

    Location:
    New York City
    I stopped it early.

    I matter of factly tell people that I've chosen to not have children. Not, I going to have children later or some shit like that, no straight out, telling them I'm not interested in raising children.

    It used to get, "you'll change your mind." I've replied also matter of factly, "I want to live the city lifestyle and that means I want to go out to dinner, theater, clubbing, travelling, whatever the city offers, I want to take. There's no room for children there."

    I say it rather coldly I find. But it's not much different when I started telling my parents that I wasn't going to marry an Asian girl. I wasn't going to marry Filipino so they had to already not expect it.
     
  2. POPEYE

    POPEYE Very Tilted

    Location:
    Tulsa
    Okay so I read and understand that this thread is answered about kids. However unwelcome questions are from many different topics. Here's what happened to me.
    My new neighbors ( just trying to get to know everyone ) have asked me shit tons of personal questions about my finances. How much I make an hour, what I paid for this and that, and then told me their stuff. C'mon
     
    • Like Like x 1
  3. genuinemommy

    genuinemommy Moderator Staff Member

    That is super uncomfortable.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
  4. POPEYE

    POPEYE Very Tilted

    Location:
    Tulsa
    Okay back to my nosey new neighbors. I'm outside doing a labour of hate ( mowing the lawn ) when Lee that's the woman of the two walks up to the fence. She flat out asks me about Sandy and why she hasn't seen her. So I politely explained my different home arrangements. Then she processed to tell me that her and Eric ( her man ) aren't married. That she is the money and she is debt free, and doesn't need to work cause she filed for disability. Also that Eric doesn't have a pot to pee in. And everything he has she provided. And that includes his car that he can keep cause he'll need it to get out of her life if he ever miss steps on her. Also Eric just got a better job making 5$ an hour more and she's glad cause he will need it. I really didn't need to know.
     
  5. Chris Noyb

    Chris Noyb Get in, buckle up, hang on, & don't criticize. Donor

    Location:
    Large City, TX
    I usually just give people my cold
    Why would you ask me such a personal question?
    look.

    Most folks get the message right away. For those who don't, I either continue The Look , or give the briefest (non)response possible, one word if possible, no more than three. If they continue to be obtuse, I just look away and completely ignore them.

    I worked with a woman who asked why my wife & I didn't have children. She was a new hire, and started in with personal questions right away to everyone in the office. She was of an ethnic group that viewed pregnancy a sign of 'real manhood' and 'real womanhood,' and her religion is well-known for being pro-procreation. It took several firm "That's none of your business" responses to shut her up; I don't think she ever got the message, she just moved on to bothering other people.

    Note: Much of this 'silent treatment' I learned from my father. He had a severe stutter, which made him a man of few words. Because being upset/angry made his stutter even worse, he would just ignore people. This totally POd my mom when she tried to start a fight with him.
     
  6. redravin

    redravin Cynical Optimist Donor

    Location:
    North
    @Popeye it sounds like your neighbors are the kind who overshare and feel that everyone else should too.
    Your best bet with folks like that is to either cut them off with a polite "Oh, look at the time. I have to go clean the sewers." type thing.
    They don't mean to make you feel uncomfortable but no matter what the line is they are going to walk over it and keep going by a couple of yards.
     
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  7. I'm getting "When's baby #2?" It was the worst when I had just had a miscarriage.
     
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  8. genuinemommy

    genuinemommy Moderator Staff Member

    I developed a few stock answers for this question...
    "Do you have any idea how improbable it was that I successfully carried my first spawn to term? What ever makes you think that I'm going to rush into that experience again?"
    "That's #2. Do you mean #3? 'cause he didn't make it either."
    "Are you asking me if I plan to adopt just to have another tiny human to mind?"
    "I don't know. Why don't you talk to God about that one for me, ok?"

    Now that I have 2, you'd think the questions would end. But they don't. Women like to ask other women about their reproductive choices. And men, too.
    These days I leave it short:
    "That's a very personal question."
    "It's a miracle that I have 2 children. I don't expect another."
    "Our family is great how it is."

    Though I believe my friend and his wife have quite possibly the best response of all time... they worked out what basically amounts to a comedy routine. It involves describing in-detail the "necessary" and perverse things that are required for him to get an erection and how it's really just too exhausting and expensive it is to go through all that effort each month as she ovulates.
     
    Last edited: Sep 1, 2016
    • Like Like x 3
  9. redravin

    redravin Cynical Optimist Donor

    Location:
    North


    I didn't know that my grandmother had three miscarriages before my mom was born until after she has past away.
    You didn't ask question like that in those days and you sure as hell didn't make comments.
    Now it is possible that my grandma had to put up insufferable busybodies back then too but I suspect she would have shut them down with a withering stare.
     
    • Like Like x 3
  10. Chris Noyb

    Chris Noyb Get in, buckle up, hang on, & don't criticize. Donor

    Location:
    Large City, TX

    I can't imagine your pain, and I can't think of a response nasty enough under that circumstance.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  11. Stan

    Stan Resident Dumbass

    Location:
    Colorado
    My wife and I went about things backwards and got pregnant first. "When are you two getting married" . WTF are people thinking? It's none of your damn business.

    After the first few iterations, we'd repeat in unison "I'm not sure (s)he's a keeper, yet".
     
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  12. BabyDaddy and I still aren't married.
     
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  13. Shadowex3

    Shadowex3 Very Tilted

    I'm wrapping up a Master's degree. I'm 27. I'm single. I'm also Jewish. Some of you know where this is going already.

    For everyone else what this means in practice is whenever I'm at a "normal" synagogue instead of the university chabad house I get a lot of people asking me about kids, and trying to sell me on family members I couldn't share a canoe with. Generally I try to be polite and say I haven't found my beshert yet or just steer the conversation elsewhere, I don't really want to say something too wildly inappropriate in a family synagogue. Before I lost my necklace I'd just hold it up and ask people incredulously "Have you seen my necklace? You're asking the guy that wears dungeons and dragons dice why he's single, think about it."

    But sometimes even I have my limits and when asked why I don't have kids yet I'll just matter of factly respond "Well generally a woman has to be involved in the process at some point, were you volunteering?"

    I should probably stop that, it might backfire.
     
    • Like Like x 2
  14. POPEYE

    POPEYE Very Tilted

    Location:
    Tulsa
    Loyalty doesn't require marriage, just the right person.
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Winner Winner x 1
  15. genuinemommy

    genuinemommy Moderator Staff Member

    There are so many women who love to play D&D.
     
    • Like Like x 3
  16. Shadowex3

    Shadowex3 Very Tilted

    I know, I've met many of them. They're all married or have been with the same person for many years. Or they're not jewish. Theres a reason I say I have excellent taste but abysmal timing.

    The problem with having good taste is it's like finding a parking spot. All the good ones are taken very quickly.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  17. SirLance

    SirLance Death Therapist

    Or don't, and maybe you've got material for a bestseller...
     
  18. Derwood

    Derwood Slightly Tilted

    Location:
    Columbus, OH
    Not so much a question, but statements of (I presume) jealousy about my physique.

    I've always been very thin (genetics), which many see as something they need to let me know will end at any time.

    "You're thin now, but just wait until you turn AGE X!"

    First it was when I get to college (freshman 15, etc.), then 25, then 30, then 40.

    Well I'm now 41 and at 6'4", still weigh just 180 pounds.

    But everyone just hopes for me to get that pot belly some day.
     
    • Like Like x 2
  19. DamnitAll

    DamnitAll Wait... what?

    Location:
    Central MD
    I suppose I've given off a strong "not interested in having kids" vibe for so long that I've been spared it being asked of me, with few exceptions. Even when I was "married" and my exwife wanted kids, my mother flat out told me—privately—that she didn't thinking it was such a great idea and was concerned for how it might, or or might not, work out for us. I mean, she knew me well, but... hi, awkward.

    For a while after I left the church I'd been attending with said exwife—incidentally, the same church where we were "married"—its congregants, with whom I was interacting from time to time in local circles, would regularly ask me when I was coming back. I think they mostly wanted me back so I could play music at the services for them. I wasn't interested then, and I still haven't been back.

    The most relevant awkward question I've fielded lately had been my mother nagging me about calling contractors to come work on my house. Lucky for me, that all got wrapped up last summer. Nowadays it's just the typical "Are you eating? Are you sleeping? Do you have a cold?" bit that I'm accustomed to. My honest answers are never satisfactory.
     
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  20. genuinemommy

    genuinemommy Moderator Staff Member

    During grad school, the awkward question was: "When will you finish your dissertation?"
    Or "Haven't you graduated already?"

    Now the most awkward question is, "What do you plan to do with research this year?"
    Answer: I have no flippin' clue! Covid messed everything up!!!
     
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