Responsibility?

This is a good and timely topic, GM. I was raised in a tight-knit nuclear family, and grew up believing that you stand by your family. If you can't be there for family, I've always believed that you're no good to anybody else. I've tried to practice what I preach, and there have been a number of tests over that past several years, with 3 out of 4 parents now deceased.

It's entirely different when you're in the area vs. being at a distance. We're dealing with that situation now: an elderly parent living with us, with a family member living far away. Your situation is more complex because you have a very little one. Honestly your first priority is to your immediate family. If you can do any good by traveling back to your parents, everyone needs to be realistic about what you can do in the time that you can be there. But you need to force yourself to set reasonable limits; if you can't go, you can't.

By the same token, be as compassionate and understanding as you can with the caretakers at the scene. I can tell you from experience that it's infinitely more painful when you're on site doing the caretaking, especially when it's you parent and not an in-law. At the very least your emotional and financial support will be a great help. And sometimes, it's helpful to just listen. Caretakers need to vent...sometimes a lot. It can be incredibly stressful.

Above all, good luck with whatever path you need to take. Make no mistake, the situation sucks, no matter what you choose to do. All you can do is the best you can. It's impossible to handle it perfectly. If I can ever help in any way, I hope you'll seek me out. I'll be happy to chat anytime.

Good luck to all of you.

 

I understand completely, GM, really I do. I've had to pick up fallen parents from the floor more times than I care to count and I've completely lost track of the number of ER visits we've had. Now the final living parent is living with us and it's been a whole new level of stress. You're being a huge help by lending your support. With the current situation, there's frequently a feeling that the other family member should be here to see how hard it is. However, it's not realistic and it doesn't mean that he doesn't care.

Everyone is experiencing a different form of stress through this, starting with the patient. Frequently, the caretakers are the forgotten ones. The best advice for all is to avoid the temptation to become isolated, It doesn't really help at all.

 

I know what you mean. I've also learned that the situation seems to hit you much harder when it's your parent, as opposed to an in-law.

 

I come from a really close family, I'd do anything for my extended family as long as they ask for it, I think it teaches humility and I have no problem helping anyone. I helped my day build his basement gym, but the thing is that you have to ask for my help.... I'm not being an ass about it.

 

I have separated myself some from my family. I don't get along with my sister, my relations with my brother is strained, and I was never going to achieve unless I relocated away from my family. My parents helped shape me but I developed horrible habits that I still try to shake to this day. Therefore, I suspect the caregiving will fall in my sister's shoulders... Plus, she has the grandkid. She'll probably ask for money from us as it becomes necessary. I provide them emotional support and guidance, but I'm never going to be living at home again, and they know it. I have a life and I'm not sure that they would even ask me to give it up. Because they know how hard I've worked and they are proud of me. Therein lies the difference between my family and many. Giving up things to help family would be a failure in their eyes. To a point. I'm speaking in general terms of money, etc, not illness... Which my family has dealt with since the birth of my brother.

 

If this were not in the public forum, my responses could be a novella.

 

My dad is dead, after years of.... the sort of abuse my sister and I existed with as kids. I dont think love is realy that blind - he must have known - but I loved him, and tried to help him or just visit him - but if I did, they would punish him. When he called for me - they laughed at him and hurt him.
So.
If my fathers wife was drowning in a pool, I would not take my foot off her head - but might consider pissing in it.
If I die before the bitch - I have arranged for a drag queen and a Pakistani chap to represent me . She is homophobic - except when it comes to her daughter running around wearing a strap on on swingers nights. She is also terrified of black people - and that starts with the French. She would tell us how black mens sperm can lie dormant in swimming pools, and then when a decent female jumps in, the attack and impregnate her . Dear Isaac even offered to pee Pakistani urine on the lid of her coffin.
My big sister escaped. I would love to have contact with her again. I loved my dad and my sister, Janice, but Janice had to escape - and it hurt her that I wanted both of them in my life. She considered my father as bad as the old bitch for he must have known and didnt stop it.
The other one is a paedophile ex copper, who sold her 12 year old into the world of video - she could go fuck herself - but she would probably just sell another kid - running out of time on that one though, as they are already too old for some scum.
The eldest was a male. Aged 9, he pushed me down and my face was ripped up bad by broken glass. He tormented my nice sister - he is an utter cunt. I am glad his son is marrying a young lady who is considerable darker of skin tone than the average french person.

I walked away. I have my son and my dogs. They are my family.

However. I do envy those with close family - its something I never had. I have seen some - like a poor kid in a Dickensian Christmas scene, looking through the window.
I hope my son has a family of his own. Although he is also my carer a bit - I would not want to stand in the way of him having a good life. As a parent of a grown up man, I would want him to put his own family first - but not to ignore me, to not roll his eyes heavenward because mums worrying over nothing again - guess you dont understand the worrying until you have them. I would want him to move away to his own home, to build a family - else when I am gone - who would he have. Not a soul.
I want my son to be happy. I would not want to steal his life from him - and will always help him when I can - and offer when he wants no help. He can visit sometimes, and tell me of his adventures - and I will probably spruce myself up a bit for the occassion.

 

I moved home after my father died to help my family. At the time, my mother had just had surgery and my sister was in jail on a drug charge. The rest of my family is overseas, so I was literally all my mother had in terms of help. It was very rough - took me well over a year and a half to find true direction again, as when I moved home I went from two jobs to being severely underemployed. Now that I am back to being 2 hours away from home, I can help if it is absolutely necessary and they can feel my presence, but I'm far enough away that I don't hear every detail of every problem.

Luckily, too, in the last 5 years my sister has sorted her self out a bit, though now she has a child to keep her in line a bit. My mother is doing a little better, at least, and since she is legally responsible for my nephew at the moment, she's got something to keep her in line, too.

Family, for me, means a lot of drama and a painful past. My dad was an alcoholic, my sister a drug addict (heroin), and my mother a gambler. I just cross my fingers that my mom and sister keep themselves clean with their addictions so that I don't have to do any major cleanup. I can't fix them.

My boyfriend's family is a lot less dramatic and a lot closer, with extended family nearby for support. His father's side of the family does not fit that picture - they are estranged - but his mother's side is large and friendly and very involved. Their level of drama doesn't even approach that of my nuclear family, and so he feels the need to go home and visit a bit less often than I do.

 

@genuinemommy "Battling my own health issues, sending my daughter to day care while I deal with my health... The whole thought of caring for my mother right now is enough to make me have a panic attack. It's just not going to happen. "

This.

I mean Sooooooo this. Now release all and any guilt .... cuz it ain't yours. You know you care and that your care is real and it cannot extend any further than is does now or you damage everyone including her grandchild, your child and yourself. And you're not going there. You're doing right.

 

No and no.

Explanations can be found on other parts of this forum.

 

My sister-in-law just moved out. As in packed her shit on Wed and stuck her on a plane on Thur. Good riddence, what a horrible experience.

I'm fine helping people get back on their feet. I'm not so fine with people that feel the world and I owe them. My wife and I love living in the mountains and accept the inconveniences that come with that. SIL can take her suburban mindset and expectations and shove em.

My dad is 86. My youngest sister and brother look out for him for the most part. I do anything they ask, including hopping in my truck or on a plane, as needed.

 

My dad won't let me do anything for him except, because we've taken over maintenance, taking care of the cottage in the highlands of Ontario, which I/we am/are to inherit (his choice) upon his passing. We started doing this years ago but now I have access to the CDN bank account so we can repair or do what needs doing without bothering him. Now that my mom is dead, Dad cannot bear to be there for more than a week in the summer (they were at Maple Lake their very first summer together in 1955 and ever since, through his retirement up to when her most serious illness began in 2007).

His house in Maryland is the opposite situation. He cannot bear to leave it and he won't let us do anything other than outside yard work and the initial purging after my mom's death in 2011. I guess we took him too literally and got rid of more than we should have but she never threw anything away... so. A housekeeper comes in once a month. His neighbours shovel his snow (plow it) and he has a ride-around mower in the spring and summer.

He doesn't need us or want us except for visits when he is a great host--loves to cook for everyone.
I only have a younger sib and as I've recounted many times here, I, pretty much due to being 6 years-older and myself a parentified child, brought him up (raised him). We still have a pseudo-sib/mom thing going though he's been with the same lady since they were 21 and 19 respectively. He does little things though like text for our father's email today--while I was out having my Valentine's late lunch because he himself was at a "cafe." He just assumes I'm home and can tend to his query. I don't mind but I didn't text him at lunch as I had my phone on mute so he got an answer 3 hours after he asked it. He does not complain and actually, I consider our relationship to be among the best I have.

It's been very easy with me being geographically separated from my parents and my father being independent. My spouse is one of 7 sibs--three of whom are sisters in the vicinity to different degrees and three brothers, one of whom deliberately bought a home in the same small town 'grandma' lives in, so we get asked very little. No guilt about that as spouse spent his entire young adult life working for the family company--the only one of the 7 kids. He put up with tons of verbal emotional/abuse from my dear (now departed) father-in-law that took years to get worked through.

Basically, we are there when we are expected to be. I feel a lot more responsibility towards my dad and would be the one to drop everything if he were to get sick again as he did a year ago. The thing is, my dad does not ask for help unless he REALLY needs it. So for example, during this awful winter there have been wellness emails and a few extra phone calls. That isn't doing much at all in my book and I benefit from the peace of mind.

 

My father has been dead for years. I kind of wish he was still around.

I would be worried that I'd have to look after my mother but about 25 years ago (or so), she married a man 17 years younger than her. She's pushing into her mid-70s but has a relatively youthful husband to take care of her when she finally needs taking care of.

The real worry for us is my wife's mother. She is a quite needy and not the healthiest of people. Currently, my wife's younger brother and wife bear the brunt of looking after her. It's already become a bit of an issue and selfish as it sounds, I will not be moving back to Canada to take care of her. I would be okay with moving her here, if it came down to it, but I am not moving my life and career back to Canada.

 

I miss my mom too, Charlatan <hug>.
I disagree that it "sounds selfish" that you will not forfeit your life and career to move back to Canada. I hope that you don't beat yourself up over it.