Sexual incompatibility in a relationship

Greetings everyone. I haven't posted here in a few years, but I have lurked and been a member for many, many years. Anyway, there has been something I've been meaning to talk about with someone and this seemed as good a place as any.

I have been with my current girlfriend for 5 years. She is what you would call a 'nice' girl who had a wholesome, vanilla upbringing. Before she met me, she had only ever been with 2 other men (both long term bf's), and generally she does not like to stray much from the norm. Myself, well, I come from a different background. I have experienced different types of relationships and life experiences (including dating a bisexual girl for 2 years), and suffice to say, my sexual needs/interests wildly differ from hers. The first few years in our relationship I suppressed my desires, but as the years go by, I find it harder and harder to do so. I've expressed my interest to her to do things that I am interested in, but they are just way too much for her. The worst part is that I sometimes think about experiences that I've had in the past, and it makes me yearn to go back to that lifestyle, even if it means the dissolution of my relationship. I question whether I can continue to suppress my sexual desires for the rest of my life.

At this point I feel stuck. Sexuality is such an important aspect in a relationship, and being with someone who is on the opposite end of the sexuality spectrum for the rest of my life scares me. On the other hand, after 5 years, it is difficult to imagine what my life would be like without her.

edit: just realized I spelled incompatibility wrong in the title, but I couldn't figure out how to edit the title name.

 

You gotta ease her into it man. You can't go all 50 shades on her out of the blue, even if you ask her first.

Gently coaxing, small things. Ya know?

Just the tip, just for a second, just to see how it feels.

 

Hmmm.
How to respect another's boundaries.
How to work to negotiate change on the basis of one's own desires.
How to cherish the foundations from which the two of you have built your shared present.
How to make the future a build rather than a fracture.

Tell me, does she know just how very important this is to you?
I mean how very VERY important this is?

I don't mean like she notices you might be contiually trying or suggesting stuff.
I mean "Darling ... I know you know I'm wanting stuff we both know you're uncomfortable with ... we do need to sit and talk, because it's more than a whim to me ... it's part of who I am - or at least part of who I WAS before I met you. You are everything to me ... we've been together 5 years and it's difficult to imagine what my life would be like without you ... AND ... is it as if so much of me is like a lonely beast, howling in a desert beyond what you seem able to share with me. I have muzzled it for five years, yet we both know the hunger is strong in me. It is not a vile or evil huger, yet I understand it is outside of your previous experience.

I do not want to be the kind of bastard who goes 'Aw c'mon c'mon c'mon', and I don't want to be the kind of bastard who goes 'huh ... better sneak off and get it somewher else', BUT I DON'T want to be the silent, deprived, resentful martyr who lives as half a man, whilst you wonder why i am not as cheerful as i might be. We need to talk."

Best wishes.

 

Communication, as is always the case, is key. You have to talk to her. Sexual compatibility is extremely important in the long term. It might not be #1 on the list, but it definitely makes the Top 5. If there's not sexual chemistry and mutual satisfaction, the relationship can't last.

Now, that said, chances are some compromises will have to be made. There may be things she's willing to try now, and things she's willing to try later, but there'll also be some things she's just not interested in trying. If she's willing to talk about it, if she's willing to try pushing her boundaries a little, then this is a relationship you can work on over the long term. If she's absolutely unwilling to talk much about it, or to push her boundaries at all, that's likely to prove a deal breaker, if not now then someday. And if there are certain things you're not getting that you really need, and it's apparent you just won't ever get from her-- e.g., you have a fancy shoe fetish and she will die before giving up her Birkenstocks; or you're all about MFF threesomes and she's not even bi-curious; or she has hypersensitive skin but Big Daddy gots to do some spanking when he comes home-- then you need to evaluate how important these things are for you, and weigh them against the rest of the relationship.

This is something a lot of couples have to do. For example, Mrs. Levite has a major button about sexual violence, and cannot abide any form of rough play. Personally, I like a little rough play sometimes. But this is not a major priority for my sexual well-being, and the rest of our marriage is so awesome that I am happy to consign the rough play to my solo fantasies. On the other hand, I had an acquaintance some time ago who had a heavy fixation about smoothness: if a chick had any visible body hair below her eyebrows, this brother's journey to nirvana was at an immediate end. It was kind of crazy, and he was-- to give him credit-- not unaware of that fact. But there it was. He fell for a girl who was not unduly hairy, but she was not into landscaping-- not like she had the Amazon rainforest between her thighs, or anything, but trimming was indifferent and irregular, and she was anti-shaving and anti-waxing. No big for most of us, but my man didn't even like a girl to have a landing strip, and he just couldn't find it within himself be a bush pilot. Broke them up, and they were a pretty nice couple.

So talk to her. Be frank, be open, be willing to be patient, and be willing to laugh. But talk to her, reasonably and maturely, and see where she's at, and let her know where you're at, and try to go from there. But the worst possible way of dealing with it is to keep it bottled up inside, pretend it's not important, and try to ignore it forever.

 

I have no advice, but I feel your pain.

 

All I can say is not to go down that road. Dating is your time to find out your compatibility, and ignoring the big red warning flags is pretty foolish. If you insist on going through with it, might as well get a pre-nup in place...

 

Zen this makes perfect sense. Levite communication for sure!

 

It's not wise to bottle up your sexual needs and desires for so long, but you already found that out the hard way. We live in a sex-negative society that tells you you're a pig or a whore if you would break up with someone because the sex isn't satisfying, but it is important - sex is the difference between best friends and romantic partners, so it's entirely possible that you're just incompatible.

As Dan Savage always says, there are two types of people you meed in BDSM clubs: the ones who knew they were all along, and the ones who never know they were until they fell in love with a kinkster. If you introduce her to things you're into, she may warm up to them or she may not. If she's willing to try new things, you can take baby steps to ease her into them; I'm sure we can all give you suggestions if you need them. It might help to have a glass or wine or two (just to relax, not get drunk, and movies have taught me that wine is romantic) and encourage her to tell you about her fantasies - everything from what the perfect romantic night would be to anything she might want deep down to try but was afraid to admit. Give her a whole day that's all about her, let her plan it, and pamper her to get her as comfortable as possible. and do whatever she wants and see if she opens up at all

 

Too little to go on here. Are we talking total prude on her part or wildly outside the standard in terms of fetishes on yours? What have your conversations about the subject consisted of? Absolutely "no way" from her or just a level of discomfort she might find her way around someday?

What is your sex life like now? Does she enjoy it? Does she orgasm? In the past 5 years, has she overcome any initial hangups about sex or has she been unwilling to try anything at all outside of her comfort zone?

Your post suggests you've lost hope she will ever even indulge you - only you know why you feel this way but if the situation is such that you believe the sex will never be where you need it to be then I can understand your concern.
I don't believe sex is everything in a relationship but I do think it's close to 50% of it, at least while sex itself is important. For example, if any part of BDSM is a must have for you and she won't even let you touch her with the lights on, chances are you are with the wrong person. You may be able to bring her around eventually but unless she comes to actually enjoy it, sex will always be lacking.

If I had to guess, I'd say that more men are living with women who don't fulfill their greatest desires than do, so you're not alone. I'd also guess that most men consent to live with this reality either because it's not a deal breaker if his girlfriend won't shove her fist up his ass or because they know that their desires are somewhere way off the beaten track and concede that they may be asking too much to expect their mate to share their kinky proclivities. Let's face it, the more specific and kinky the desire, the more difficult it is to find a partner into the exact same thing.

 

Thanks for the replies everyone. In thinking more deeply about this subject, I have come to realize that the origins of my feelings might actually originate from the fact that - although I have been exposed to so many different topics of a sexual nature - in reality, I have only really experienced them vicariously. What I mean by that is that I am now 27 years old, and I have been in a relationship for 7 consecutive years (5 with current gf, 2 with ex). With my ex-girlfriend, I was introduced to life with a bi-sexual girlfriend, but we were too young to actually develop a truly "off-the-wayside" type sexual life. I was introduced to things like MFF, public sex, voyeurism, etc, but it was just that - an introduction. We mostly only dabbed into those types of actions, and before we could go any further, that relationship ended because of other reasons. Nevertheless, I knew then that the sexual nature of that relationship was exactly what I was looking for, and actually something that I wanted to explore to deeper levels.

Fast forward to my current relationship, where my girlfriend makes comments like "that's disgusting" when she sees a girl kiss another girl on tv, and this is where the issues reside. I have made attempts to suggest we try new things that might be out of her comfort zone (sex at the beach at night, and even just going to a strip club together), but she always completely shoots it down. Jonie, you used the term "prude," and unfortunately I think that's the most appropriate term here.

And to make matters worse, on top of all this, in the last year or so I have gotten stronger and stronger urges to want to sleep with other women. Being 27 years old and only having slept with 2 women in the past 7 years has really begun to gnaw at me.

 

Have you considered that her comments and her shooting down your suggestions might have to do with insecurity and/or that this type of things unknown to her makes her feel uncomfortable? My interpretation of the comments you describe it that she is saying this to create some distance between herself and a subject she doesn't feel comfortable with. I think this behavior is possible to "work with".

 

Yes, she wants a distance between herself and your suggestions. The more pushy you are, the more horrible a creature you will make yourself seem. Can you not find a compromise BETWEEN YOU.
Do you like to watch men kissing and making out? I understand there are certain rules -

View: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pi7gwX7rjOw

There is this very old fashioned thing that sometimes leads to sex - they called it romance.

 

I totally feel you Tex ... keep us informed and good luck

 

Lumsk, I think you are so correct here, as well, all the other posts stressed the importance of communication which is imperative, but if someone is closed off and sexually repressed it will be like pulling teeth to get them to open up.

I think insecurities and fear of rejection or judgement is what keeps many of us from truly expressing our deepest sexual desires. I know in my 20's I wouldn't have said the word pussy to my husband even if my mouth was full of it. I also would have been judgemental about women and men who seemed to be sexually uninhibited all the while secretly wishing it was me. In my teens, I had an opportunity to have a threesome with a BF and his buddy, but I was more terrified by the potential fall out and my reputation to do it and OMG did I want to. I have known who I am sexually since I was very young, but I grew and still live in a society (for the most part) that would have labeled me a slut for celebrating my sexuality. I blame organized religion for this, but that's another topic altogether lol.

Five years is a healthy investment in a relationship. I think I would try talking with her about this. Assure her that she is safe with you to explore and express her thoughts. It's so important that she understands that your sexuality is not a reflection of her - it's about you and always has been. You came into the relationship this way.

If you can't find sexual compatibility with her then I would say leave the relationship and don't make the mistake again of investing that much time in a relationship without being honest about who you are sexually. It's part of your core needs and values, obviously, among many others I'm sure and you need to have them met to be happy in life.

Hope this is helpful.

 

I am probably in the "prude" category, at least by some people's definition.
I'm in my 40's and far more open minded about things now than I was before (as well as more actively adventurous).
Passage of time had a lot to do with that evolution.
I'm not sure anyone could have made it happen any faster. They may have actually gotten pushback from me and slowed things further.

 

It sounds to me as if you are working your way out of this relationship. Whether you should or shouldn't is not my place to comment on but if you are it is best you do it before investing anymore time in it.

From your standpoint I see two aspects of the relationship you may be hard pressed to overcome. One, in the short term and the other, long term.

1) Sexual incompatibility. How long are you willing to wait and how hard are you willing to work to bring her around to a sexual relationship that gives you some fulfillment?

2) Your sexual inexperience. The choice here is, stay with her and eventually stray or commit to her and regret the fact that you didn't experience other relationships.

The choice is yours but please keep in mind that it is not only your life and your desires at stake here but her's as well. You may not want to think about it but should consider the possibility that, in the long run, she may be happier with someone whose tastes and desires are more in line with her own.

 

Maybe there is something inside her, some kind of limited beliefs that prevent her from being open-minded about sex.

When you talk to her, maybe you can ask the following questions:

• What are your beliefs about sex?
• How would you rate or typify our sex life?
• Whose sex life do you admire? Are there any friends, television or movie characters or other known couples who have a sex life you could see yourself enjoying?
• What’s missing from our sex life for you?
• What is your favorite part of our sex life?
• What is the most troubling part of our sex life?
• Do you have any fears about sex? If so, what?
• Do you have any regrets about sex? Regrets about our sex life?
• If it was a perfect world for YOU, without regard to my feelings or needs, what would your sex life be like?
• Is there any kind of sexual pleasuring you want that you have not experienced?
• Is there any kind of sexual pleasuring that we do together that you like, don’t like, why?
• What is your definition of great sex?
• What turns you on?
• What are your favorite activities?
• What kind of foreplay would you most like and how often?
• Are there any special places you like to be touched?
• What is your most memorable sexual experience?
• Has your sexuality changed over the years and if so, how?
• Have I ever done things that make you uncomfortable or turned you off?
• When was your last orgasm and how was it?
• Is there anything I do in lovemaking you wish I wouldn’t?
• What’s the most reliable way to orgasm for you?
• What is your favorite sexual position?
• Are there any sexual behaviors you don’t feel comfortable with and why?

 

Thats a real mood setter. I dont understand how one would know the true ins and outs of known couples or tv characters sex lives.
Say its not working because one of you may be a deviant and the other of you a prude, but have the decency to be honest with her now.