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Tell me your deepest, darkest secret.

Discussion in 'Tilted Life and Sexuality' started by Xerxes, Oct 30, 2012.

  1. Japchae

    Japchae Very Tilted Donor

    It most certainly is. And anyone that will downplay the difficulty or the pain of that first one just doesn't get it. They might later, but they've missed out on an important opportunity to support you
     
    • Like Like x 3
  2. Wildmermaid

    Wildmermaid Very Tilted Donor

    Location:
    Pacific Northwest
    When I was a little I was diagnosed with failure to thrive. They were wrong I was a tenacious thing.
    At age 5 after something horrible I would stand by my stepfather's side of the bed with a long (and to my mind lethal) pair of shiny gingher scissors poised above his chest, then internally wrestle with myself about whether to attempt to kill him or not. To my line of reasoning even if I did not kill him and he killed me at least I would not be there anymore, and maybe my mom and brother would have a chance to get away. Or if I did survive the attempt I would be put in an asylum, have food, get care, and my mom and brother would have a chance at another life.
    Also age 5 I heard about a little girl that died by suffocating in her bed. :( From then on for years I would cover my head tuck in the blanket all around me and try to do that too.
    In high school I stole a black lipstick. I still feel bad about that.
    That same year I also tried half a tab of acid. The boy who gave it to me and another friend had talked about having sex if we did drugs together. Other than having been raped when young I did not have sex at that point in high school. I was clear and blunt with him before that sex would not happen, he was still shocked when I wouldn't, but that was his problem. The acid though affected me for 3 days and to this day I swear sometimes I see things move that are not.
    My friends and I had watched The Wall and the last date I tried to commit suicide was Dec. 18, 1990 the year I was 15. My friends helped keep my stupid ass alive through that long dark freezing cold night. It was also the date when I became involved w/ my high school boyfriend, who is still a dear friend.
    I had 4.5 years of EMDR therapy for PTSD, it gave me back at least part of my life.
    For over a year when confronted w/ learning to live life in wheelchair I deeply resented those that could run, including family and friends. Not proud of that but there it is.
    I feel stupid much of the time. I rarely feel like I belong. I say too much or too little on any given topic. I ask the wrong questions. I suck at being a friend a good deal of the time. Sometimes I feel like a very poor mother. I remember each failure with crystalline clarity, but am shocked if confronted with a former success. My brain seems to parse those things and puts the positive in deep storage.
    I'm probably addicted to porn, and I drink too much scotch. That pretty much sums it up.

    I don't want to name names, but does anyone that posted in this thread wish to give an update? If so, or if not, really hope you are well and were able to find help. <3
     
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2017
    • Like Like x 4
  3. fflowley

    fflowley Don't just do something, stand there! Donor

    Wow, mermaid.
    Ton of bricks there.
    May I ask what led to you needing a wheelchair?
     
    • Like Like x 1
  4. Wildmermaid

    Wildmermaid Very Tilted Donor

    Location:
    Pacific Northwest
    Hi @fflowley this may be silly but I don'y understand what "tons of bricks" means. May you please explain? :) Hope I did not offend. I feel much better after getting all that out.
    As for the stepfather. **shudder*
    i would stand there so long tears would pour down my cheeks and my muscles would eventually begin to quiver. He was a brutal man who beat, raped, confined, and hurt.
    i hated him with most of my soul, also felt bad for him some too as I know the abuses and horrors he had suffered as a child. led to being a mixed up human that I can tell you.

    Body:
    When I was small I did not learn to walk until really late, never shut up but could not take steps. My mum took me to docs and they said oh she'll learn, eventually I did. I used to sit in pretzel poses and still can put both feet behind my head. Not a party trick I engage in though. All of my limbs dislocate, ribs, fingers, toes and such do as well, my skin tears easily, scars terribly. have arthritis, Ehlers Danlos, and a bunch of other crap. Started having surgery at age 8. Age 9 diagnosed w/ tummy ulcers and JRA (juvenile rheumatoid arthritis). I'm a mess. One day down the road my have replacement knee ops, but they are not sure whether the left leg will accept the transfer. Have metal in both legs, hamstrings are threaded through knee caps, and have almost an inch of scar tissue in left. As I said I'm a mess. ;) Love my wheelchair though, hate and love my crutches.
    Rknees.jpeg
     
    • Like Like x 2
  5. fflowley

    fflowley Don't just do something, stand there! Donor

    Ton of bricks.....As in wow, that all hits like a ton of bricks. Very heavy stuff.
    Do appreciate you being here and sharing.:)
     
    • Like Like x 4
  6. Wildmermaid

    Wildmermaid Very Tilted Donor

    Location:
    Pacific Northwest
    *hug* I'm sorry if that was a bit much! :( I had read through every post here, and as a (to me) particularly odd birthday is on the way I've been doing a lot of journal sifting and readying for change.
     
    • Like Like x 2
  7. Wildmermaid

    Wildmermaid Very Tilted Donor

    Location:
    Pacific Northwest
    Porn habit still there, but I'm fine with that one, and really don't give a flying rat's ass what others think of it. I've drastically cut back on scotch and all alcohol, feels good too. Admitting and posting it here in this thread was the main catalyst for that change.
     
    • Like Like x 4
  8. ralphie250

    ralphie250 Fully Erect Donor

    Location:
    Jonesboro ga
    update.... still the same :(
     
    • Like Like x 1
  9. Lindy

    Lindy Moderator Staff Member Donor

    Location:
    Nebraska
    Reading through my teen diaries, I'm dredging up some memories that I had conveniently tucked back in the dark corners. A lot have to do with my adventures in sex, in which I cast off my virginity on my fifteenth birthday. Besides the non-intercourse sex experiments even before. Not ready to share much of that very explicitly yet.
    I have a love/hate relationship with Scotch. I love good Scotch, I hate that sometimes I like it so much that I get very drunk, and then have just a wee bit more.

    I watch porn, I read porn. I don't think I'm dependent or addicted. I'm OK with it. My guy is OK with it. We watch together, sometimes. I'm more 'visual' than most women. My porn 'habit' is one of those things about me that is private, but not necessarily secret.
     
    • Like Like x 2
  10. Wildmermaid

    Wildmermaid Very Tilted Donor

    Location:
    Pacific Northwest
    Is there anyone you can talk with that has experience with this that is local to you? Don't give up on you, but if you see an area you can improve please don't turn away from it. My brother battled very hard drug addiction of many years and NA really helped him. As long as we have breath in our bodies it is not too late my friend. <3 *hugs*
    --- Double Post Merged, Aug 1, 2017, Original Post Date: Aug 1, 2017 ---
    @Lindy In your diary was it your age at the time that disturbs you, the activities in question, the people you chose to be with, or was it something else?

    I love good scotch too, and had one last night and that one scotch tasted better to me than the three I would have had in one night a couple of weeks ago.

    Same, more visual than most women or so I've always been led to believe. Maybe we are both actually quite normal just more forthright. ;) *grin* I have no intention of ever giving up my porn habit, it is part of me and helps tint every day with a sexy erotic filter that I both crave and adore. <3
     
    • Like Like x 1
  11. Frankie

    Frankie Slightly Tilted

    Location:
    New England
    I love porn, It's not really a secret. My wife knows it so does my Mom. I've been hooked on porn since I saw my first Playboy magazine at age 13. My dad and Mom found my stash and questioned me about it and I admitted I really liked that kind of magazine. They gave them back to me and said it was ok. At age 16 my Dad bought me my first subscription to Playboy for Christmas and I've been hooked ever since. My wife and I have watched many porn flicks together and even had friends over to view them. Porn has been a great way to get things started with me or with others.
     
    • Like Like x 4
  12. Frankie

    Frankie Slightly Tilted

    Location:
    New England
    First let me say I'm straight I love woman. But I have always wanted to try sucking cock. Weird? Anyway I've tried it a few times my wife was there and watched and even joined in. It was fun and sexy.
     
    • Like Like x 3
  13. Frankie

    Frankie Slightly Tilted

    Location:
    New England
    I’ve given a few BJs and actually enjoyed doing it.
     
    • Like Like x 2
  14. Lindy

    Lindy Moderator Staff Member Donor

    Location:
    Nebraska
    Me too!;)
     
    • Like Like x 3
  15. mattoid

    mattoid New Member

    Location:
    Chicago
    I am hosiery and heels obsessed. It used to be primarily when my wife wore them, but more and more I enjoy being the one wearing them more. I went to therapy a bit back to try and understand it more and the outcome so far has been to embrace it and enjoy it. My wife and I are working through what that looks like, but she is as supportive as someone who personally dislikes the stuff can be.
     
    • Like Like x 2