Tell me your deepest, darkest secret.

Well, like so many other people on TFP, I'm an introvert. I'm extremely good at people, and I've been able to know just what to say to anybody for as long as I can remember. But, I also know just what to say to cause the most emotional damage, and I've had little bursts of heartbreak escape when I'm angry or offended. As I grew up, I would take out my anger by punching a wall with a boxing glove at full strength, but that would get my adrenaline up so I had to calm down and become normal again by pacing back in forth in my yard having a one-sided out-loud discussion of twisted philosophy based on my apparently skewed perception of the value of human life.

Ya, I don't know what it is with me. I was kind of a dick when I was younger, taking advantage of people (especially my family), who I still don't value as much as I should but rather try to avoid. I've always used movies and TV to take my mind off my darkness, which is awesome because I understand most pop culture references out there. I should know more about celebrities, though. I always miss out on those allusions. I do hang out with friends, despite my introverted...ness. I got me a couple of posses. What's weird is that I would never take advantage of friends like I do with family or strangers. Huh.

Yeah, I totally lost track of what I was writing.

 

Many many moons ago I used Internet Explorer and actually LIKED it.


yes, not much of a "secret" considering I started on the internet with a 1200 Baud modem on Prodigy and Compuserve back in the early 90's.
<offtopic ramble>
Too many kids these days just don't appreciate how truly powerful and effecient a CLI can be.
</offtopic ramble>

 

My deepest and darkest ones are all fantasies so they are not secrets per se .....

 

Today, I was scheduled for a colonoscopy.

Have any of you had one of these while conscious? Did you get to see the video monitor that showed the interior of your colon?

It is worth seeing!

My experience: it was spotlessly clean. And it was -- architectural, a long corridor, with arched openings angling from chamber into chamber, with barrel-vaulted ceilings richly marbled with tracery of abstract red and blue lines.

It seemed Medieval, Gothic perhaps, but I guess you could say it was Colon-ial style.

 

I hate you. I will never be the same in the head again.

 

This wasn't about the head.

 

I don't know that I really have much in the way of deep, dark secrets....

I guess one thing I don't usually tell people these days is that, in college, I was a major shoplifter. I shoplifted all my textbooks from the student store, throughout almost all my university career. In part I felt that it was my way of getting back for how expensive it was to go to school, and how improbably and egregiously textbooks are overpriced, when I think education should be freely provided by the state with textbooks not costing more than books usually cost. But in part it was also just being a stupid ass kid, getting away with something, and saving money that I was supposed to use on textbooks to spend on weed and booze and whatnot instead. I would even shoplift the textbooks for my friends' classes, in exchange for a nug of bud or some other token of appreciation. Used to go down to a local supermarket that pumped up their prices a little, and shoplift there, too-- groceries, booze, stuff like that.

Right after graduation, I got caught at that supermarket, and they made me sign an agreement that they would not report it or press charges if I paid them a "penalty restitution" of like three hundred bucks or so, which was a vast sum for me at that time. That, plus starting to think a little bit more about practical ethics and philosophy of life and so forth, made me decide the time had come to grow up and stop shoplifting, and I never have stolen a thing since.

I'm not especially proud of having been a thief. But I chalk it up to every kid getting to make some idiotically bad choices at some point or another.

 

Uhm ...damn I have a ton that could fit here but at the same time none as I'm usually an open book just depends on how things are going if I'm chilling even with new ppl I won't say things that sound like bragging though but I'll be brutally honest about myself and semi brutally honest to others in joking form as long as I don't believe they'll be hurt too much lol

I don't like civilization anymore..not like ppl or anything but the idea that we still have to love by certain laws and beliefs bc someone use to 200+ years ago is ridiculous , I know that's more government ..

My secret isn't dark for this but it'd be I just want to live ...not work or anything else ..do any drug I want raise a family without any problems health wise .. Die quick when the time comes no keep me alive BS while I suffer with 3 diff types of cancer just bc dr.kavorkian died ..

I've done a lot of crazy ,messed up , stupid , selfish , non selfish , loving , thieving , drugging , drinking sht ... Lots of crimes and been caught ..probation since 15.. Every time I got off probation I got arrested that night ... But never met anyone who had a real convo with me that didn't catch on that I'm actually not what I seem ..

I seem like a dark psycho ahole ..I say what I want and did what I wanted and ppl liked or hated it and took that one way or the other not understanding I wasn't doing anything to them I just didn't care that me being high or drunk in class or getting arrested didn't bother me ..so they saw me that way ..

I also wear a lot of black bc I'm poor and like to match plus when I robbed at night you needed all black (hat,shoes,jeans/Jorts/anything visible besides my face lol ) ..

But everyone that met me eventually would tell me how they thought I was different and yada yada ...and how I am so nice and not how I seem ..

Uhm darkest secret could just be that any crush I've ever had that I still know or have seen I still lust after just want that one chance even though I have a gf I'd never ever leave and don't ever want to hurt (I'm also not a cheater though ppl thought I was ..see I had a bad rep lol) .

 

I'll share a dark secret. It's from a pretty traumatic time in my life.

The Black Panthers announced they were going to kill me on live television.

My father was a police officer. He and another cop were jumped by five Black Panthers in 1974. The other cop was on the ground and my father was trying to shield him. A Panther lunged with a knife and sliced my father's leather jacket open. My father shot him in the head. He lived, but had permanent brain damage and spent ten years in jail for attempted murder.

BP went on the news and announced they were going to kill the whole family. We were pulled out of our house in the middle of the night and kept in a safe house for about three months until the trial was over. My mother told me years later that if the guy died my father said he'd quit the department.

His being a police officer took its toll on the family. He was third generation Boston PD. He had a violent temper and struggled with depression, alcoholism, and drug abuse. He worked undercover in a drug task force through my teens (the coke fueled 80's) and was injured many times. He was involved in another shooting when I was 14 - that one died. My parents got divorced.

My dark secret isn't that BP threatened to kill me, it's that I wish that worthless piece of shit mother-fucker died. I wish my father shot him again. Our lives would have been much different if he left the police department.

 

Deep Dark Secret ?
I have read 4 pages of this .......
And, as far as revealing anything, are you nuts, the North Koreans will probably hack this thread and have the WORLD read it.

 

So your deep dark secret is that you are a sociopath and a liar. You say that when people talk to you that they see something different. That's the lie. Your actions say everything about who you really are. You say you don't hurt anyone and you just want to live, but the next thing you say is how you like to dress in black because it's easier to rob people. You also don't like government and laws, but that is what has kept you alive. See, a society that didn't have those encumbrances would have dealt with differently. After you had been caught a couple of times, a group of men would have dragged you out to the town dump. Then someone would have bashed in your skull with a ball peen hammer. The crows would eat your eyes until the next load of trash buried you. So be grateful you live in a gentle society. So that you can continue to live your selfish life.

 

WHOA...That's dark. Glad I'm no longer on that crazy medication.

So much happier now that I'm off it and no longer have suicidal thoughts.

 

somtimes i woner if my wife and daughter would be better off without me,

 

i know im not going to do anything like that but sometimes i wonder, alot of it has to do with one of my meds the dr is trying to straighten out. but the main reason i think that at times is just for the life insurance money. i know its wrong

 

i know you all love me, and i appreciate it more than you know. some of the issue with my dr is i had a woman dr several years ago and she was awesome. i saw her for 7 or 8 years, i never lied to her about anything she didnt rush me when i was there she was up front and honest agbout everything. she didnt sugar coat anything. she was great. she moved to washington state to be a dr at the VA, ever since then i havent found a dr i feel comfortable with. its always, whats wrong, its your weight, or stress or bla bla, and hurry hurry. my oncoligist is the only dr that didnt rush things. i have seen several drs since she left, but at this point it seems like im just finding one i like.

 

I understand your feeling.
Having to start over with new doctors myself it's pretty frustrating and how do you tell them exactly how you are feeling so they can get it right?
There are serious trust issues and trying to get them to really listen to you is tough.
Figuring out what the right words or terms they want to hear seems to be the solution and I don't know why I have to go to that kind of trouble.

Just know we're here for you man.
I took out life insurance on myself and had the thought that my kids sure would do better if they had that money instead of me around.
It just made so much sense.
Then a couple days later my oldest came over to help me make a shopping run (it's hard to go to Costco on a bike).
She grabbed me, gave me a big hug and said, "It's been a long week, I needed a Dad hug. I'm glad you're here to give me one."
There was a part of me that hurt because we had lived in different states for so long that I missed a lot of Dad hugs but a big part of me realized that my kids needed me more than they ever would that money.

Take care of yourself Ralphie.
We've got your back.