The Ask a Swinger Anything Thread

I've been giving swinger advice for a good number of years now, but those were to people who decided to take the plunge. What I've seen out there is that most people really don't know how it works, what it entails, whats acceptable that sort of thing. I've had friends who don't know I'm a swinger tell me stories of "swingers" which more like mythology then reality.

Thread guidelines.

• Only swinging related questions will be answered.
• Personal information is only going to be given as I see fit.

 

Tell me, is it really a once-a-month/season/year dessert thing? Tell me all about how people schedule these things and the frequency at which they consider it healthy to engage in these types of activities.

Also: I saw an episode of Law & Order that featured a swinger party where people picked names out of a fish bowl. Urban legend? Ever see something like that?

Rumor has it single males are the bane of the swinger scene. What is your experience with "lone guns" ruinin' the party?

 

For us its very infrequent, a few times a year. For others its an every weekend thing. It completely depends on what you are looking for and what your life is like. We once did an every weekend thing for about a month and it got old very fast. We do go on swinger vacations, which might mean a few couples in a week.

If its happened in the recent past, it was most likely done ironically by a group that already knew each other. I've never saw anything like that, or know of it ever happening. Swingers as a rule are very picky in their partners. I'd never show up at a party and do that sort of thing unless we already knew everyone going and were ok with all of them sexually. The odds of that happening are very very small.

Bane no, they are just WAY WAY over supplied. You get usually guys in their 30-60's out of shape and desperate for ANY sex. You get guys cheating on their wives, and you get guys who are early 20's most likely virgins and just hoping to get laid, anywhere. We don't play with single guys, but we know couples that do. They say its harder to find a good single male than a good couple.

Most parties/clubs either ban or greatly limit single men. There are some that don't and they tend to be "overrun" by single males so people going to those clubs are looking for that sort of thing. Single males also in part subsidize swinging. They often have to pay more to go to events and pay for website subscriptions which will never pan out. A local party group we go to actually charges single males 500 to attend (its 40 for a couple, 30 for a single female), and limit them to five. Some actually pay it.

Another problem with singles is that many are not only sex starved but loved starved. They fall for the woman. Its a drama bomb thing.

 

is there a jealous factor? if so how does it affect the relationship (not yours per say but in general)

 

In a club, or parties where many couples don't know the other couples,
how does the choosing/accepting of partners/couples work?

Specifically, do swingers tend to stick with people
most like themselves (age, physical condition, attractiveness, etc.)?

 

great thread

how does STD/STI checks work and how does it affect how you choose a partner/couple?

 

damn good question

 

Excellent question, which ties into some of my thoughts & questions.

We're all aware of condoms & safe sex. When a woman is seriously lubricating and/or a copious amount of lubricant has been used, vigorous intercourse can get messy even when a condom is used. Is this a concern for swingers?

How does oral sex fit into swinging, specifically when the parties don't "know" each other?

 

Not quite sure what you are asking, do you mean how do you start actually having the sex part?

This is the real BIG question a lot of guys have, and it is the hardest to answer because relationships are different. I probably started thinking about the idea about 4 years before I asked my wife, but it wasn't so much a coherent thought of "we should be swingers" as much as "I wonder if that would be fun". I was still very young, very over protective, very jealous. I trusted my wife 100% but I didn't trust other men, being I was one and she got hit on a lot. The way I approached it was from her fantasies. Once I had the idea we could try this, I asked her "if nothing bad were to happen and no one could find out would you like to try a threesome?" (to paraphrase) Once that was a yes, the devil was in the details.

What it really requires is a 100% secure relationship with VERY good communication. I think its the kind of question you don't want to ask until you are sure of the answer. I'm always surprised by the number of couples that don't seem to have that level of communication. If you just out of the blue ask your wife "hey want to be a swinger" odds are even those who would want to would be so taken off guard they would look for reasons to say no and wonder about motivations.

Jealousy being both natural and culture makes this the usual stumbling block. Its also why new couples often start looking for an FMF, because the male ego is worse here than the female in most(but not all) cases. I'd be lying if I said I had no jealousy at all when we started. My wife had very little, but it bugged me for about two weeks after our first full swap, mostly because we were in separate rooms and my imagination is worse then any reality. Prior to that we had done "soft swap" aka oral for everyone, and it was no problem at all. Getting RID of that jealousy was awesome though, because that sort of sexual protectionism that is engrained in our genetics and our society is not really healthy. Also knowing your relationship isn't based on sex is a nice bonus.

What can happen though is that one of the partners, usually the guy, freaks out. Let me give you the typical bad newbie jealousy scenario.

Couple meets couple, couple gets to sexy fun time. The new couples wife goes at it with the experienced couples husband and is having a GREAT time. She might have been the reserved one prior but now that shes into it, its like a woman at a strip club, shes all in. This throws off new husbands mojo, hes a bit shocked at her response, he can't concentrate on the other woman, he can't keep it up. Now hes feeling embarrassed, like less of a man, and angry at his wife for having a good time while hes obviously "suffering". So now hes really mad at himself and embarrassed by his own lack of performance, but many human minds don't work that way and it becomes hes mad at HER even if he is the one that suggested they should swing. So now hes a dick to his wife to cover for his own issues.

Many guys just aren't prepared to realize that they are NOT the only one who is able to rock their wives world in the sack, and in fact some might be better at it. Thats where your communication comes in and your character. Once the "horny" side of your brain is taken care of, the intellectual side needs to rationalize it.

 

is it better for inexperienced swingers to "swing" in seperate rooms for the first time or so?? when yall are all in the same room do men find themselves comapring themselves to other men?
how are couples picked?? do you just walk in a room and point?

from your own personal experience how long did it take you to become comfortable with your wife having sex with another man in front of you? it is a sexual fantasy of mine to watch my wife have sex with another man, but im not sure how jealous i would be, like i said fantasy...

 

As I have written elsewhere, I have the same fantasy, my wife knows it, and I'm pretty sure I could handle it, not that it's likely to happen.

(Her view is that my fantasy is an adaptation I developed during the years we didn't have sex. Since she wasn't having sex with me, I fantasized that she was doing it with others.)

However, I wouldn't want to even try to get my wife to agree to vice versa. Her bodily self-esteem is shaky enough as it is.

 

are more swingers older people 35+

 

Depends on a couple of things. A lot of couples are pretty awkward with the whole process, others are very outgoing. When we started we were the awkward couple, now we are far more out going but thats mostly me, my wife is naturally very shy in new social situations so I gotta do the heavy lifting so to speak. Basically you just start a normal conversation, its the same mingling you would do at a party. After the initial "Hi I'm Fred and this is my wife Wilma" you can start to figure out what they are into that sort of thing. Usually at some point you sort of pair off a bit with the other wife/husband, and if all is going well you can go for the kiss. Its a lot like dating. The hard part is you need both you and your wife to want both of them and the other way around so its harder to find a match. After all this, if I were single I'd have a MUCH easier time dating.

The lie is personality is the most important, the truth is, yes, looks, age etc matters a lot. Fat tends to stay with fat, old with old, young with young, hot with hot, ugly with ugly. There are those who will "cross" those lines, especially with age, but normally couples don't. Perhaps the biggest problem new couples have is overvaluing their looks and expecting a hotter couple to want them. If a couple is a combined 6 and they are expecting a fantasy couple (lets say 9) only, they are going to have a bad time. Its pretty common though. Despite the current idea that people, especially women are too hard on themselves look wise, science says
otherwise, most people think they are better looking than they are. Its pretty obvious in swinging at times and we were most definitely guilty of this at first.

Single males usually have to be in better shape then what they get.
Single females can be in worse shape.

This is another lie vrs the truth thing. The lie is that no one has an STD in swinging, apparently no one ever caught one, and its not something you need to worry about. The truth is they are out there, especially HSV and HPV, just like the vanilla population. You are taking a risk like any hook up, and you have to decide if its worth it to you. The only one that worries me is HSV-2 and only because its not curable. HPV goes away and there is a vaccine for the bad cancer strains (we took it). HSV-2 (herpes) is forever, and in some people can be quite irritating.

We try to limit the risk looking for people who are a bit more like us, and despite the old "anyone can have herpes" adds, which is true but underplays that there are greater risk groups out there. Its a risk though, and while some will talk about having STD testing papers and the like, I've never come across them, and we tend to play with usually very educated couples, so its not like we are hitting the trailer park circuit. It IS a real risk, but one we decided we were ok with. It was a real risk when we were first dating too. If we were to become single, same risk again.

Hasn't been something thats an issue. If messy means too much lube, meh, not a big deal.

I hear there are latex barriers you can use for 'safe' oral sex. I've never seen one used, never been asked to use one, never heard of one being used by anyone. Its down to the risk thing. Risks are less with oral but there is still some. Sometimes you just gotta dive in. I once had a woman I didn't even know her name start giving me a bj out of no where. Long story. Anyways that can happen. Turns out she was German, spoke no English, and was very hot. Thats about the most "I have no idea who this person is" I've ever gotten in swinging. I didn't let her finish.

 

We are interested and have had a couple experiences, including a very hot foursome at a club in France with total strangers. We've had sex in the same room as others in San Francisco after an erotic yoga class. Both experiences were very exciting for both of us. Now we'd like to try this in our own town, but not sure how to find partners.
Even in a good sized city, it feels like a small town if you know a lot of people, as we do. We are also professionals and wouldn't want to have this interest of our publicized. We've looked into CL and have actually contacted a couple of couples, but not gotten all the way yet. Is that what you'd recommend, for discretion? My wife seems more comfortable with the idea of sex with strangers that we'll never see again (so France was perfect) than meeting someone at bar in our own town and then hooking up. Neither of us really wants "friends" in that sense, I don't think. We want to meet people and take off their clothes while they remove ours and then do stuff. Then split! Maybe that is unrealistic.

Also, we are in good shape - athletes and attractive (though lots of people think they are, we actually are.) But I am 62, even though most people would think I'm at least ten years younger. Is age a problem in swinging? It seems like lots of them are in their 30's and 40's. Would they be disgusted by a fit good looking guy who happens to be 62? We're fussy and would want partners who are good looking and fit, too. And not too young. Are those decisions made on the spot? But if you're making arrangements online, how can you tell?

It is the problem of finding suitable partners that has been our biggest stumbling block. Any insights or advice would be helpful.

 

My understanding was that essentially everyone who has ever had sex with a non-virgin is infected with HSV-2, because it's that contagious. Some people get symptoms; most don't.

 

For us, that was a no. Separate rooms were bad because I was more thinking about what she was doing. Some people say they need it at first so they don't see what she/he is doing. So your mileage my vary. I've heard it go both ways depending on the couple.

Yep, sometimes you have the big stick, sometimes you don't. You get over it though.

No pointing, but we try to start conversations with ones we would be interested in based on looks and see how that goes.

In front of me I was fine right away. Swinging really "demystifies" sex. Its just sex. Its an activity you enjoy and your body needs to be happy, but its still just sex. Once you can decouple it from the deep emotional component its sort of a non-issue. Some may say thats a bad thing, but for us it was good. Love and sex do not need to be coupled. I'm happy when shes having a good time.

This was never my fantasy when we started swinging, but it is perhaps the most common one. I was still a pretty jealous husband at the time so I was rather conflicted. I knew what I wanted to do but my jealousy was still around too. What got me over the hump was how could I be mad at my wife or the other guy when I was doing HIS wife?

So this one really depends on your motivation. I've heard those with that fantasy going great, some not so well but so much can go into it. One thing you can do is find your local swing clubs and go just to get a feel. They are very no pressure, no one forces you to do anything. One issue though is that not all clubs are the same. We got VERY lucky that our first two couples we met were our ages, attractive, and on the same page. Had we had a bad first experience or gone to a crappy club to start we might have gone running, and we've seen couples do that. We have had bad experiences since then but we knew those were the aberrations by that point.

After posting this I realized I forgot one of the MAJOR ways this sort of thing starts.

Many women in swinging are bisexual. The girls will often be the first to start kissing and feeling each other up. I think this helps in that its more "non-threatening" then the guys, and it establishes if that sort of play is on the agenda as well. A sort of thing I do is try to kiss both girls at the same time. A three way french kiss is a beautiful thing.

On a scale of 1-10 I've met women in swinging between -3 and 12. Some are just incredibly, you have got to be shitting me beautiful, others should never leave the house. While body image is often a problem, especially when they start thinking you will leave for a better looking woman, they can be easily avoided if thats the stumbling block.

Most swingers are 35+, I think thats normally when people are secure enough, thought about it enough, and feeling a bit "gotta live a little" to do this sort of thing. We started late 20's which is more infrequent. When we first started we were literally the kids, and being we didn't want to play with older couples it made finding couples harder, but not impossible.

clarksdale - It really really depends on a lot. The older we get the more people have let themselves go. We are both over 40 and usually are with couples under 40 because thats where we "fit" looks wise. Another issue is lying. On add sites we get contacted all the time by couples who are our age on their profile but really are in their 50's. It seems everyone stops aging at 40 in swinging. I almost want to lie and say we are 30 because thats what we usually pass for.

Now here is the funny bit, there are a LOT of swingers in their 60's and 50's out there. The issue is I'm not sure where to find them. When we go on swinger vacations we are still the "young crowd" at 40, the average is closer to 50 with lots in their 60's. We don't see nearly as many on websites, but they are most definitely out there.

If you are interested I'll send you a link to one of these trips where I know you will meet a lot in your age range.

 

I realize that this isn't a question, but I think that the scenario you mentioned would be a major problem for many (most?) guys, a serious ego crusher*. Suppose the wife is sexually reserved in the sense that she's willing to try different things, but isn't especially responsive with her husband. But she does go pleasure crazy (loud, enthusiastic, multi-orgasmic) with other guys. This gives the husband hope that there will now be fireworks between he & his wife, but with him she again just doesn't feel it.

* To be fair, the same could apply to a woman's feelings. Her husband could turn into a superstud with other women, but be "average" at best with her.

 

do women tend to be more attracted to men with bigger units? or do they stay with the size they are used to?

 

I think a lot of it is the situation too. Its a very sexually charged atmosphere, and the women can be really turned on compared to a normal 'sex with the hubbie' night. By default she will be more responsive.

Now on the other hand sex is always better after swinging with the spouse, and I know I'm not the only one to say this. There are some evolutionary theories on this etc etc, but long and a short is it does get back to your bedroom too. I am assuming of course the sex is pretty good at home to start with.

There is some novelty to the big dick thing, but its not the normal motivation. Mostly, by the time she knows how big my penis is, its to late to say no

Guys are far more hung up on the penis thing than the women are.