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What Can't You Do?

Discussion in 'General Discussions' started by martian, Dec 20, 2013.

  1. martian

    martian Server Monkey Staff Member

    Because it's important in life to recognize our limitations.

    Magpie, as many of you know, is my wonderful domestic partner. In our years together we have, as many couples do, found certain divisions of labour to be convenient. Sometimes it's because of preference -- she doesn't like cleaning the litterbox, so that' my job. Sometimes though, it's a matter of competence.

    Wrapping presents is Magpie's job. It just is. But every so often, I think I'm a grown man, I can handle concealing an item in brightly coloured paper. And so I decide to "help" in the sense that I wait until she's not home and attempt to wrap some gifts. This year I wrapped her Christmas present myself. Normally I take them to the wrapping stations you find in malls at this time of year, but this year I thought I might as well try. And y'know, it turned out pretty good. So, emboldened by my success, I thought 'd do some of the leftover wrapping.

    Which has resulted is such drunken monstrosities as this:


    "But Martian," I hear you say, "those don't look so bad."

    Don't they?


    Don't they?


    Don't they?



    Alright, TFP. This is my shame. What's yours? What can't you do?
    • Like Like x 7
  2. Borla

    Borla Moderator Staff Member

    I cannot freaking make an omelette.

    Seriously. You guys know I prepare food a lot. An omelette is a pretty basic thing. But I can't for the life of me get it right. I mean, I can make one taste ok. But it tastes ok and looks like a pile of scrambled eggs w/misc adders in them. I've probably made 2-3 omelettes in my life that weren't torn to pieces, burned, or ended up just scrambled and piled on a plate.
  3. GeneticShift

    GeneticShift Show me your everything is okay face.

    @Martian, you crack me up.

    I'll be responding more in-depth later. But I just wanted to say how much this made me laugh
  4. snowy

    snowy so kawaii Staff Member

    I am busting up over here. @Martian, how much tape did you use?! Dear Lord.

    There are lots of things I can't do, I'm sure. I can't French braid, for example. According to my husband, I can't fold a towel correctly.

    I'll have to think about this more.
  5. martian

    martian Server Monkey Staff Member

    The tape was necessary to fix the tear. Fixing the tear was necessary because if I didn't fix the tear I'd have to start over, and that was unacceptable.
    • Like Like x 4
  6. snowy

    snowy so kawaii Staff Member

    You might look into ATK's omelette method. It's pretty straightforward and easy to master. It's not my preferred way of making an omelette, but that may be because I AM an omelette master. I went through a period when I was 15 or so where I made omelettes EVERY DAMN DAY. Seriously. My mother thought it was the weirdest thing. My grandpa came to visit and my mom suggested I make Grandpa an omelette to show off my skill. He looked at her funny and said, "Don't you remember when YOU went through the omelette phase?" She'd done the same thing when she was 15.
    --- merged: Dec 20, 2013 at 8:04 PM ---

    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 27, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  7. Stan

    Stan Resident Dumbass


    I'm reasonably competent around the house. Carpentry, electrical, landscaping ... no problem. Just keep me away from pipes. Every stinking job breaks shit 6 feet away from where I'm working and requires 3-4 trips to the hardware store.
    • Like Like x 1
  8. Street Pattern

    Street Pattern Very Tilted

    My name is Street Pattern, and I'm gift wrapping impaired.

    Or, more broadly, I'm wrapping impaired. I gave up the idea of selling my surplus books online, because it requires a gigantic wrapping effort, per book.

    There's a lot else I'm bad at, but I thought I should put that out there right away.
  9. snowy

    snowy so kawaii Staff Member

    Large envelopes often work.
  10. GeneticShift

    GeneticShift Show me your everything is okay face.

    At least you guys aren't as bad as this guy on reddit

    • Like Like x 3
  11. Street Pattern

    Street Pattern Very Tilted

    Yes, but not with fragile century-old books.
  12. snowy

    snowy so kawaii Staff Member

  13. Borla

    Borla Moderator Staff Member

    When we were dating I gave my current wife (@Plan9 is my hero, I'm picking up his lingo...) a shelf stereo as a gift.

    I wrapped it in ever increasing boxes (each one with actual wrapping paper so she thought 'FINALLY, THIS is the ONE' every time), maybe 8-10 in all, with the largest being a washing machine box.
    • Like Like x 4
  14. rogue49

    rogue49 Tech Kung Fu Artist Staff Member

    Well, for wrapping...I know how, my grandma taught me...but I'm lazy.
    I suggest a nice gift bag...and tissue stuffing to cover it...and it looks nice as a bonus (and many think of it as more contemporary, even more bonus)
    You can find this at card stores and such.


    Now...for what I can't do.
    REALLY scare the living shit out of customer service vendors on the phone or at stores.

    I used to wonder at the results my ex and mother-in-law used to get by making them piss in their pants with tone...and a few choice words.
    It's a great power to have...except they used it on "loved ones" too at times.
    We'd play good cop/bad cop...to get what we wanted. (always legit reasons, vendors just were incompetent)
    Or I'd "sic" her on anyone who I couldn't get through.

    I'm too nice for my own good...the only thing I can do is a firm deep tone...be serious and formal. Maybe use my height, if I'm in person.
    Yes, it's nicer to the clerk...but it doesn't get the same results as often.
  15. Spiritsoar

    Spiritsoar Slightly Tilted

    New York
    I didn't start with quite so large of a box, but I proposed to my first wife like this on Christmas morning. The last package was just wrapping paper around a piece of paper that said "Will you marry me?" and I had the ring in hand on one knee when she opened it. Man that was sappy, but I was young.

    On topic, I can't paint. It seems easy, dip brush in paint, apply to wall. But I invariably do it wrong somehow.

    Also, I can't pronounce color properly unless I really focus on it. Normally it comes out like I said "keller"
    • Like Like x 1
  16. snowy

    snowy so kawaii Staff Member

    Oh! I can't tell right from left! I'm directionally dyslexic. I'm actually much better with the cardinal directions.
    • Like Like x 1
  17. FreeVerse

    FreeVerse Screw Tilted, I'm all the way upside down.

    Suburban Chicago
    What can I not do. I disqualify items that I can no LONGER do, because that list is VERY long because of health concerns. What have I , through reasons that defy explanation, NEVER been able to do no matter how much effort was put into learning of said task.... I can not make nor have I ever been able to, decent pancakes. Also, the completion of even one single solitary cartwheel has forever eluded me. I also can not, even taking my time and with a straight edge of some kind, draw a completely straight line. Ah! I can not ride a unicycle. I can not ice skate. I also can NOT iron anything. No joke. I can take something MILDLY wrinkled and after hours of working on it, it looks like a rayon shirt just taken from the washing machine - but dry...... Gift wrapping, poor dear Martian, I wish I could give you help there, I do wrap brilliantly.
  18. Lindy

    Lindy Moderator Staff Member

    Me too. I have to put my hand on my chest like I'm going to recite the Pledge of Allegiance in the fifth grade.:rolleyes:
    At that point I know that I have my right hand on my left breast, and my fingers are pointing to my left.:D At least, I'm almost certain.:rolleyes:

    I can read a map, and do fine with north, south, east, west directions. "Take I-80 exit 397, go south 3 miles, then go 3 miles east on Van Dorn..."

    I also do well with up and down...
  19. Japchae

    Japchae Very Tilted

    A galldang pull up or pushup. This irritates me immensely.
  20. Plan9 FORMAT C:

    This Island Earth
    Hot damn, Martian's posts always make me laugh. Dat narrative.


    What do I suck at? A lot of things. It's downright embarrassing how dummy-retarded I am.

    What else am I no good at? Mmm... oh, I've got it:

    I'm horrible in the water.

    I won't say that I can't swim (because I have) but my swimming is very weak as I'm really uncomfortable in the water. Somehow I sucked it up enough to get SCUBA cert'd, but the idea of doing a 600m freestyle makes me nervous. Trying to fix it has been problematic as I don't live near a body of water and I don't want to be the creepy grown man trying to take swim lessons at the local pool. I'm guessing I'll just have to spend a work break at some beach house and force myself to do it twice a day.
    Last edited: Dec 21, 2013
    • Like Like x 1