What Can't You Do?

My self-esteem! But seriously, I'm way scrawny and relatively athletic... I don't have a freakishly long torso but that ain't nuthin' but a thang.

I reckon my problem is more software than hardware.

 

I can't haggle. I'm not particularly adept at being a hardass to get a bargain out of something while on the phone with customer service, either. It's been suggested to me numerous times to get on the phone with Comcast and strongarm them into giving me a better rate on my cable service, and I have yet to even attempt to do so.

I can cook, but I, um, choose not to. For now. This is temporary—it has to be.

Can't do a cartwheel and never have been able to. I doubt that will ever change.

Can't do a pull-up, but goddamnit someday I am going to. Hopefully soon.

 

Fuck. Yes.

 

I can't do math well at all.
I get flustered trying to do it in my head, then start to get angry writing the problems down. I have to resort to a calculator.
Forget about fractions. I also transpose some numbers. Usually 5 and 7.
Math makes me angry, even though I sense the beauty of it.

Bodily functions:
I can't make farting noises with my armpits. Always wanted to. My friends all could.
I can't do that eerie whistle some people do between their thumbs, but I can whistle really loud with just my lips, or two fingers.

Cooking:
I have a hard time peeling perfect hard-boiled eggs for deviled eggs. They are almost always pitted.
I can't seem to get a cake to bake without it having a pitcher's mound in the center.

I have other stuff, but I can't work up enough wherewithal to write them down at this time.

/maybe if I listen to @Martian 's video again

 

I can't eat slowly. Military brainwashing got me good, I eat like a goddamn vacuum cleaner.

It really pisses me off when I realize that I basically swallowed a $50 meal in 90 seconds.

I have to use Post-It notes to remind myself to eat slowly when I go to nice restaurants.

 

I cannot dive nor water-ski. Vast amount of shame there as I took lessons and belly-flopped and attempted to get up on the skis and stay up and never did--in front of my extended family as a kid and again, in front of my boyfriend as a 20-year old. Now it's all, "I'll spot!" And I suck at kayaking--the first and only time I tried was in the Pacific Ocean--it was unpretty.
I don't gift-wrap well but I like jamming on lots of ribbon and bows to cover up my mistakes. Truly, I'm not particularly coordinated with small or large muscles though I can swim like a fish.

 

Much appreciated. I will give it a try.

 

I find it impossible to retain much of any information about grammar.

I mean, okay, I know about nouns and verbs, adjectives and adverbs, past/present/future tense.

But anything beyond that is beyond me. Subject? Object? Predicate? Preposition? Sorry.

And don't try to teach me, because I will forget it immediately.

Since I am ignorant of all the rules, I write by instinct, and usually my writing instinct is pretty good.

 

As someone who has loved swimming since early childhood and never could empathize with not feeling comfortable in water, you guys have my sympathies.

So does my SO, until I make her learn how to do more than float belly-up like a dead fish.

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Things I never was able to do:

- Snowboarding (Absolutely love skiing, though)
- Skateboarding
- Rollerblading
- Somersault (in any direction, whether standing or elevated. I have tried. Many times...)

 

Gad, where do I start? I break approximately 50% of the yolks when frying eggs. I can't catch items thrown to me (except frisbees - I can figure out the curve some how). I can't make whoopee more than once in a given session, and generally need up to 24 hours to recharge. I can't remember names. Or directions. Or musical notation (or music in general). I can't remember shopping lists. I can't fix motors, electrical appliances, engines, or plumbing. I can't reassemble machinery/tools such as door latches that have multiple oddly shaped bits of metal. I , I better stop now.

 

I also can't do a pullup. Never done one in my life, and the closest I came was just under half of my body weight on the assisted pull up machine at the gym .

No plumbing job is done until your 3rd trip to the hardware store covered in whatever that black sludge that accumulates in pipes is.

 

New Year's resolution: pull-ups by 2015!

 

I have no sense of direction, which means I can't navigate for shit. If I'm going somewhere new and don't have detailed directions in front of me, I'm going to get lost. Hell, sometimes I get lost even WITH detailed directions.

I can't do artsy things with my hands. Sculpting, drawing, painting...every time I try, it looks like the effort of a four year old. Related: I also cannot properly shape a Christmas tree, but I've learned if you throw enough lights, garland, and ornaments on, people don't notice as much.