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Who do you lean on?

Discussion in 'Tilted Life and Sexuality' started by cynthetiq, Aug 4, 2013.

  1. cynthetiq

    cynthetiq Administrator Staff Member Donor

    Location:
    New York City
    I was having breakfast this morning at our local greasy spoon with the oldies station and Lean On Me came on. It made me think... who do I lean on? I usually don't. I tough through things on my own, but it made me think... I've got to think about it.

    Who do I lean on? I don't really know. I'm on my way to Florida for a funeral. Maybe after I get off the plane I'll know.

    Who do you lean on.
     
  2. fflowley

    fflowley Don't just do something, stand there!

    I don't do much leaning.
    But when I do I'm usually leaning on my wife. And she is wonderful enough to help me, but not make it obvious that she's helping me, or even acknowledge that she's doing it, so that my fragile man-ego can handle being helped.
     
  3. arkana

    arkana Very Tilted

    Location:
    canada
    Your who?

    Since my separation (very soon to be full divorce) 2 years ago, I had to learn to lean on nobody. I worry that as a result I've insulated myself a little and closed off in ways that are harmful. In a very lonely time back in '05, I leaned on the members of a certain place called TFP.
     
    • Like Like x 3
  4. hamsterball

    hamsterball Seeking New Outlets

    I don't. I'm usually the one that everyone else leans on. I usually just end up keeping it to myself.
     
  5. Been thinking about this for a while. I guess I don't lean on anyone. I used to lean on my Dad. Bounce things off him. Not so much seeking advice by just talking with him about things.
     
  6. DamnitAll

    DamnitAll Wait... what?

    Location:
    Central MD
    For a long time I didn't lean on anyone, and that was my own loss. I didn't want to open up and talk about my problems—or my life in general—even with the people I care for most because I had always assumed that whatever I had to say was uninteresting or unimportant. Going through my shitstorm and eventual breakup with my ex over the past year, I finally learned to do just that and was able to reconnect with a few friends in particular I had barely communicated with for nearly fifteen years (another obvious lesson learned: Facebook has always given me a false sense of feeling closer to these people than I actually am. It doesn't do anything to have a list of hundreds of friends if I never talk to them).

    Learning to open up to those folks, with whom I had previously felt a deep and abiding sense of security, helped me reach out to local friends with whom I've grown even closer in the process. I remember specifically one night, very soon after my ex moved out, sending an email to them asking if any of them could come keep me company for a while. And two of them did, without hesitation. It was one of the best decisions I'd made in a long, long time.

    I've never really leaned on my family, certainly not as much as I think they would like me to, but I even managed to have some decent heart-to-heart conversations with my mom and my sister, both of whom were deeply concerned about my emotional well being the entire time. I'd like to keep leaning on them—to learn to be comfortable leaning on both of them, since it's never really been easy or come naturally to me to do so—and I think they'd want me to as well.

    Lastly, perhaps most importantly, I've been leaning on you people. A lot. Anyone that has read my blog since last fall will know that, and you may never know how grateful I am for the support and advice I've gotten from you, but I am.
     
    • Like Like x 3
  7. rogue49

    rogue49 Tech Kung Fu Artist Staff Member

    Location:
    Baltimore/DC
    My mother, a good listener to simply talk things out.
    She doesn't judge and doesn't intrude...I've never heard her throw anything back in my face or opinions otherwise.

    My cousin, who's exactly a year younger than me, is good for that too...but also for things you'd not want to discuss with your mother.

    And I'm proud to say, they use me for the same thing.
    It's rare to have that.

    I don't know about execution or acting for yourself, but life can throw you some loops,
    most need someone to verbalize to keep their head on straight...

    I find that many that keep things to themselves, end up imploding or exploding. It eats you up.

    That, or you can express yourself online...but there's a balance and limit you can do that.
     
  8. snowy

    snowy so kawaii Staff Member

    My husband. He's my best friend in every sense of the word. There's nothing I can't tell him. He's learned a bit about what he can fix and what he can't--he's a fixer, a problem-solver.

    My dad. He's always there to save the day when my husband can't. He's a good listener and because of his work experience, has a unique perspective that really helps me develop professionally.

    My best friends. I know that I can call them, any time, day or night, no matter what--and the feeling is mutual. We may be too busy these days to see each other face-to-face as often as I'd like, but we do keep in touch with one another regularly.

    I have a couple close friends as well that I lean on to talk things out from time to time. One is an excellent neutral ear and a great help. The others are people I went to school with, and so they understand the professional stuff I have to deal with. They're also great helps for more practical matters, like picking me up when my car was broken down.
     
  9. I try really, really hard to be that independent guy who doesn't need to lean on anyone, but unfortunately every time I try to do this it ends in disaster in one way or another. I'm one of those people that just has to have a close circle of friends that I can depend on no matter what the circumstances are, though I'm getting better at being able to stand on my own two feet for longer periods of time.
    Because I live in a college town this circle tends to change every year or so due to people moving away (though I do keep in touch with quite a few friends through the magic of Das Internet).

    Nowadays it's mostly just myself, but I know that I have people that I can trust when things start to get too heavy.
     
  10. QW. She is the most perfect life partner I could possibly wish for. She senses things about me that no one would ever suspect, and invariably does some little (or incredibly huge) thing to improve my situation or mood. She does much more for me than I feel that I do for her.

    My employees. I have a great crew. Once I delegate or establish a protocol, I rarely have to give them another thought. Things get done. This frees me up to deal with all of the bullshit my bosses lean on me to accomplish.

    Infrastructure. The water flows, the toilet flushes, the lights go on whenever I beckon. There's food in the markets and gasoline at the station. TFP Green glows from my monitor thanks to a thousand things being done on my behalf. Yes, there is a price tag attached, but other than the monthly bill, I don't have to give it much of a thought.
     
  11. arkana

    arkana Very Tilted

    Location:
    canada
    I need to be reminded of this!
     
    • Like Like x 3
  12. Fangirl

    Fangirl Very Tilted

    Location:
    Arizona
    I've always been the one that others lean on and that is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because it is a true honour that I seem someone in whom others can confide. A curse because I don't do enough confiding and I end up seeming aloof, which is exactly opposite of how I feel. I don't have any close friends. My mom was that person for a very long time but her poor health for about a decade then death in 2011 ended that. My spouse listens to me but just cannot provide comfort as a friend would. I turned to the TFP in 2011 but have been slow to open up. I'm trying. Life-long patterns are hard to change. Fear of rejection is the monkey that I'd like to rip off my back and fling across the room.
     
    Last edited: Aug 4, 2013
    • Like Like x 1
  13. Been thinking about this thread all day. Seems the older I get, the less I talk about myself to anyone. Not sure why, never has bothered me to not open up. Maybe I'll be the one referred to when TV news interviews my neighbor and he says " he was a nice guy, never really said much, don't know what happened"
     
  14. Charlatan

    Charlatan sous les pavés, la plage

    Location:
    Temasek
    Like DamnitAll, I am not good at leaning on people. I have many friends but none that truly know me (though some think they do). For certain my wife (mah waaf) and I are very close and she (and by extension my kids) drive me to be a better person (stronger, faster... I am just not sure they can rebuild me).

    On the surface, most think I am okay. I am not. The surface is safer.

    Hell, I can't even do it here. I just edited this post to remove what I wanted to say. So I suppose the answer is, I don't lean on people because I don't trust them.
     
    • Like Like x 3
  15. PonyPotato

    PonyPotato Very Tilted

    Location:
    Columbus, OH
    I lean on very few people. Lately, I lean on my boyfriend and he leans on me, and it works out well. When my father died, I was the one my mother and sister leaned on, and I was the one who got stuff done. I didn't get to lean very much on anyone else, because they couldn't handle it. It's tough to be in that position - I've learned to rely a lot on myself, sometimes to a fault.
     
  16. Borla

    Borla Moderator Staff Member

    I almost never lean.

    For a second or two I've leaned on my father and brother. For a second or two they've leaned on me. I'm guessing and hoping that in the future we can each do the same.


    If any time soon I can't use my father or brother, I'll need you.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  17. GeneticShift

    GeneticShift Show me your everything is okay face.

    Like many people in this thread, and especially Charlatan, I don't lean on many due to trust issues and having trouble sharing in general.

    I love being a person that people lean on. I consider myself a support system for a lot of close friends. I am a good listener and feel like I can provide advice and strength when necessary. I enjoy being that person for others.

    I guess it's an "if you can't do, teach" sort of situation. I find myself wanting to lean on and open up to people, but for most of my life, it's an emotional, mental, and sometimes physical block. I usually get panic-y when I attempt to open up, and if I'm getting really emotional, it feels like someone is physically stepping on my throat and the words won't come out.

    I have a few friends that I can talk to more freely, and they know most of what there is to know about me. When I'm having an issue that I need to talk to someone about, I'll go to one of them, though I usually don't go to the same one twice in a row, because I don't want myself to be seen as a source of constant problems. Due to this, there are very very few people that really "get" what is going on in my life at one point in time.

    I internalize most of my problems, and try to solve them myself, even though my rational mind knows how unhealthy that is.

    I know this probably jumped around a lot, but it's one of those I don't want to go back and reread because the paranoid editing side of my brain will take over.
     
  18. DamnitAll

    DamnitAll Wait... what?

    Location:
    Central MD
    We're here for you.
     
    • Like Like x 3
  19. Fangirl

    Fangirl Very Tilted

    Location:
    Arizona
    Even though you don't trust people, Charlatan, you confiding as much as you did knocked the wind out of my sails in that I saw myself in your statement and I see the logic in it. I wish I could say something optimistic about giving them a chance but I sense you have--more than once--and hence have come to this conclusion.

    I love people and need them and want to trust them--but I know better.
     
  20. Charlatan

    Charlatan sous les pavés, la plage

    Location:
    Temasek
    GeneticShift, Fangirl and others make a good point when they say that they are better listeners. I am a very good listener and am usually the person people come to for solutions or just a sympathetic ear.

    I have to wonder if there isn't something in that (for all of us who are listeners). That we listen so we don't have to talk. Not sure.
     
    • Like Like x 2