Why do you think it’s so hard for people to say they’re sorry?

Well, you have two viable options. You can either ask for an apology or you can move on with your life. But as I said earlier, an apology that comes out of a sense of obligation rather than remorse has no real meaning.

Concession? You failed to answer my question about whether or not you would accept an "excuse me" in place of an "I'm sorry" if someone stepped on your foot.

 

For whom? The injured party or the causer of the injury? If it has meaning for the injured party, then your moral code is, again, irrelevant. So if you step on my foot, then it's up to me to decide if your apology has meaning, not you. If you step on my foot, apologize and I call you a jerk, then I'm the asshole. If you step on my foot, don't apologize and I call you a jerk, then I'm just pointing out the obvious.

Eddie, you're not paying attention. I'll use smaller words. The two terms you are using mean the same thing. Either one is acceptable. Both are apologies. If you're trying to make some argument that they're not, then you're wrong. If you want to align yourself against the entire English-speaking world and make that argument, that's fine, but you'll still be wrong.

 

Well, for you an apology is some diplomatic, social gesture that must be performed any time someone feels wronged. For me, it has a deeper meaning. So we can just agree to disagree.

Well that's good to know in case I ever step on your foot accidentally. You won't hear the words "i'm sorry" but I'm polite enough to say "excuse me."

 

For me, "sorry" has two distinct components, as an apology and as an act of empathy. I don't believe apologizing is a sign of weakness, nor is showing empathy and compassion to your fellow human beings. The belief that it is a sign of weakness seems to be a by-product of the elitist business attitude of "win at all costs, don't let them see you sweat, etc." where an apology is an admission of wrongdoing - the kiss of death to your façade of self-perfection, damaging your career. That being said, saying sorry should only really happen when you're sincere, because the alternative is just insulting.

 

Exactly. It shows a chink in your armor, it shows imperfection. And what is imperfection? Weakness. As imperfection is something we all have, so is weakness.

Insulting and hollow. Yes.

 

Excuse me but I'm Canadian. Sorry.

I think Rick Mercer or somebody did a show and they decided a lot of people say "sorry" instead of "excuse me".

 

Fair enough. I guess I should re-phrase that as "I don't think apologizing is a weakness we should worry about showing to the world." Anything that reduces the amount of self-effacing behaviour we exhibit to make people more genuine, IF they are in fact sorry. If not, it is as telling about an individual's personality than an insincere apologist.

 

Thank you for finally admitting that you were wrong and I was right. The two are equally valid apologies. Your personal dislike of the phrase "I'm sorry", it's nice to see that you do have manners enough to apololgize when the situation dictates.

200 years ago, you would have lived a very short life.

 

I don't think apologizing is a weakness, I think it's an admission of a specific weakness or imperfection.

I don't dislike the phrase at all, I just don't use it as liberally as you because my definition of an apology is different than yours.

 

The 'old men' in my life taught me, 'saying your sorry is an admission of weakness, apologizing is an admission of knowing your own weakness'.

Personally I think it's bullshit. I do try to avoid saying 'I'm sorry', just because it sounds weak and insincere when most people say it. I prefer to apologize with an actual apology, not just 'I'm sorry'.

That said, being wrong is something we're all taught is a bad thing. So admitting you're wrong (saying you're sorry) must also be a bad thing too. Well, I'm here to say it's not. Forget all the bullshit society has taught you about being wrong. Nearly everyone who's achieved anything worth remembering was wrong about a lot of things, for a long time, before they were right about the one thing you remember. If you're always right, you aren't trying anything new. So let me suggest, if you haven't needed to apologize for something in a while, go do something you may have to apologize for doing. It'll spice up your life.

It's also worth noting, knowing how much people dislike being wrong, makes being wrong an advantage to you. Nothing will change how someone sees you faster, than admitting you're wrong (even if you're not) and they're right (even if they're not). You immediately become the 'smartest person in the room' to that person, after all, you just told them they're right and you now see things as they do (even if you don't). What could make you smarter to an individual, than to agree with them? It also just made you a friend, after all, we like to be around those similar to us for our own comfort. I'm not suggesting being dishonest or insincere to manipulate people. There is nearly always something in the conversation that is 'right', just stick with that. They'll fill in the blanks for you.

To answer the op's original question: I think people find it hard to say 'I'm sorry', admitting they're wrong, because they've been lied to their entire lives about what it represents to others. We've been told it shows weakness, which makes our primeval brain reject it's use, because others will take advantage of us. We've been told people who are 'wrong' are stupid. We've been told and probably experienced, people mock and shun you for being wrong. No one wants to be seen as weak or stupid, nor do we want to be mocked or shun. So why do something to put yourself in a position to be viewed as such?

In reality, admitting your faults is a sign of strength and will endear you to more than will mock or shun you. Showing weakness makes you approachable and easier to trust. Being wrong is just another opportunity to make a friend or see a new direction.

..

 

I honestly believe it's a strong person who can stand up and admit when they're wrong, take responsibility for it, and if as a result, fix shit if shit needs fixing. Most importantly, if they know that their mistake hurt others as a result, be able to say "I fucked this up, and I'm sorry."

The person you apologise to doesn't have to accept that apology, but the person giving it has to accept that as a possibility, that's just part of taking responsibility.

An apology can't be cheap or disingenuous either, otherwise it means a poofteenth of fuck all.

 

I have the opposite problem. I am always saying sorry for things even if they AREN'T my fault. And my boyfriend and friends are constantly yelling at me for saying it. When I was younger, my parents made me feel as if everything I did wasn't good enough or was wrong. So I was always apologizing for those things. My boyfriend is one of those people who always has to be right. And I've recently discovered he gets it from his mom. I don't know why he needs to be right about everything, but he does. If he's wrong, he'll try to twist it around so at least SOME part of his reasoning is right. The annoying part of the whole thing...90% of the time he IS right. So that doesn't help when I try to reason with him about apologizing when he's wrong.

He is learning though! I think it just takes time. For him to realize he did make a mistake and he can make one every once in a while, is a challenge. But he's getting there. And he's been apologizing more often, so yay him! And me! It helps me from saying sorry all the time hahaha.

 

Sounds like he has some insecurities left over from AlphaMama. Let him feel good about being wrong, when he is wrong and the insecurity will fade away. He's probably had to defend himself every time he spoke if this is from family, let him relax about it.

 

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/931528/sorry_seems_to_be_the_hardest_word/
I am not sorry if this squeezes tears from your eyes. When we are victims, why do we feel the need to keep saying 'sorry'. Embedded training I guess.

 

I think the answers to your queries, which are goof ones BTW, will differ upon individual's principles or guiding life philosophies. It's pretty complicated.
I think there is a Western culture aspect to it. Other cultures seem to have integrated a form of ' I apologize' into their daily speech. And then there are the folks north of the States who depending on generation, utter an 'I'm sorry' as an opening line to their statements.

No. I don't have a hard time apologizing--saying 'I'm sorry,' though sometimes (if the situation calls for a big apology) I get a bit teary upon doing so--so I know there's something deeper going on which I'm not keen on getting into.

 

Disregarding the religious overtones, I think a lot of responses in this thread mirror http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-languages-of-apology/ (I think all are represented on the first page?). For some it's just having someone shoulder their pride enough to say the words, for others it is to mean it, for others only actions will do, for others forgiveness is the crux, and finally some just want the other person to accept that they were at fault (and thus, not you ;>).

Sorry for the spaces, but it won't allow me to post links ;(. I haven't been on 5.0 all that much yet.

 

In my professional life, I apologize a lot. That's because "I'm sorry, but I don't know the answer; let me go find out." is a very powerful message to send to a client. With all the weird and strange things that cross my desk (product liability for remotely operated cranes to dismantle the Chernobyl reactors anyone?) simply having the ability to learn the answer is a weapon. Doing it quickly makes it more powerful. And there are times where saying "I'm sorry, but I screwed up" is the best possible scenario if you have the solution to the problem you created. Sometimes it's a simple miscommunication that causes the initial problem, but if it amplifies, it can be horrendous. That's happened to me more than once, and when I've admitted my mistake and fixed it coolly and efficiently, its led to better things. In my professional life, that sort of thing has made me a lot of money.

If you view an apology as a weakness, you lose the ability to control the situation - which actually shows that you are weak. If you can defuse a potential problem with an apology, you work from a position of strength.

 

in this instance i don't see how you're at fault though, saying "i'm sorry" is admitting that you're wrong for something that you had no control over. a simple "I don't know, but I'll find out" should work just as well without the "sorry". too much apology can be a bad thing