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Why do you think it’s so hard for people to say they’re sorry?

Discussion in 'Tilted Life and Sexuality' started by cynthetiq, Oct 28, 2011.

  1. cynthetiq

    cynthetiq Administrator Staff Member Donor

    Location:
    New York City
    You do have control over if you have knowledge or not and the depth of the knowledge that one has on subjects. If you are supposed to be the subject matter expert in a discussion and you don't have an answer, how is it inappropriate to apologize for not having the knowledge that you were expected to have?
     
  2. the_jazz

    the_jazz Accused old lady puncher

    If I'm the expert and/or the one selling a specific product, I'm expected to know. Sometimes I just don't. Such as "who are the approved TPA's?" or "are scooters considered mobile equipment or autos?" or "why is the TRIA charge so high?" (all recent examples). Those are questions I could have anticipated and didn't. Hence the apology - I'm apologizing for making my client wait, not for not knowing the answer. Their time is valuable, and I have lots of competitors.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  3. I see this more as a "social convention" apology. The second part, "I don't know, but I'll find out," is the clincher.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  4. EventHorizon

    EventHorizon assuredly the cause of the angry Economy..

    Location:
    FREEDOM!
    i interpreted the situation as a "how the hell could i possibly know about liability for cranes that are dismantling chernobyl?" instead of "i should've known about liability blah blah blah..."

    yeah, if it's your job to know something and you don't, you fucked up and should apologize, but if someone asks you what the cost is to get a license to build an underwater hotel with a roller coaster under one of the Great Lakes, and it isn't your job to know or it isn't reasonable that you should've known, then i don't see why an apology is in order.
     
  5. Its a question of manners.
     
  6. EventHorizon

    EventHorizon assuredly the cause of the angry Economy..

    Location:
    FREEDOM!
    i think its evolving into people putting their fear of confrontation in front of their self-esteem
     
  7. Too scared to be good mannered. Saying 'sorry' to a customer or anyone else can also be because you empathise - like I am sorry your cat got run over. I am sorry you will probably not understand.
     
  8. EventHorizon

    EventHorizon assuredly the cause of the angry Economy..

    Location:
    FREEDOM!
    there's other phrases for empathy though:
    "i feel for you"
    "hey that's a real bummer, i wish i could help"
    "i empathize with you" i actually use this one and i'm surprised how many people get it
    or just don't say anything. silence is a great way to convey that you heard the message and feel empathetic when there are no words for it.
    in the case that someone won't understand: "it's nothing against you, i just don't think you'll get it"

    the phrase "I'm sorry" has no benefit to anyone except writers who want to portray a pathetic character by giving the character those two words that make him seem both helpless and incompetent.
     
  9. the_jazz

    the_jazz Accused old lady puncher

    I apologize for not knowing the specifics of a deal I've already solved. I didn't apologize when I was presented the challege; I apologized when I'd already solved their problem but didn't know specifics. See how that was an imposition on my part?

    Bullshit. The phrase "I'm sorry" (or since Eddie is hypersensitive to that particular phrase - any apology) is a tool that real people use to smooth small social faux pas's and reduce friction. Back in the day - before we all became "pussified" as Eddie would have us believe in another thread - not apologizing for something presented the very real threat of death. Ask Aaron Burr or Alexander Pushkin about not apologizing - it didn't work out very well for either of them. Our forefathers knew the value of an apology. I guess there are just morons today that look back to the the good old days when you could shoot someone who offended you.

    Oh, and Eddie, I don't agree to disagree with you. You've just chosen to abandon your position. I guess you figured out how indefensible it was.
     
  10. Eddie Getting Tilted

    Translation: my opinion is fact and yours is false. With that sort of response you're not exactly welcoming responses. And I think you owe EventHorizon an apology.

    Exactly.
     
  11. the_jazz

    the_jazz Accused old lady puncher

    You're welcome to your opinion but since you're a third party to the exchange, I'll simply take it under advisement and move on. If EventHorizon can't read the rest of my response for what it is and remember previous exchanges of ours, he's welcome to let me know that I've offended him. But you're certainly in no position to make that call.
    --- merged: Oct 30, 2011 9:08 PM ---
    If someone asked you that, no apology is in order. If someone asks me that, then it is.
     
  12. EventHorizon

    EventHorizon assuredly the cause of the angry Economy..

    Location:
    FREEDOM!
    i think you're confusing my dislike of the phrase "i'm sorry" with the act of apologizing. I think that they're two different things entirely.
    in my book:
    apologizing = good
    the phrase "i'm sorry" = bad
    --- merged: Oct 30, 2011 9:21 PM ---
    i'd also like to add that writers also use "i'm sorry" in dialogue to create a more realistic environment that relates to what is socially acceptable, not just pathetic helpless characters. i was a bit hasty in saying that before without more examples.

    [rant]

    TL;DW: i don't think that people who use "I'm sorry" are shitty people, i just disagree with their choice of words.
     
  13. the_jazz

    the_jazz Accused old lady puncher

    Ok, you've got a problem with the specific phrase "I'm sorry", just like Eddie. Like I've said, I have no truck with that.
     
  14. Baraka_Guru

    Baraka_Guru Möderätor Staff Member

    Location:
    Toronto
    It takes courage to admit you're wrong. Staying quiet about it and hoping the situation just goes away is the easy way out.

    Taking responsibility for your actions is a sign of strength. Shirking it is a sign of weakness or neglect.

    Nobody is perfect. How we each deal with that reality is a testament to our character.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  15. Remixer

    Remixer Middle Eastern Doofus

    Location:
    Frankfurt, Germany
    You're overthinking the matter and are, quite unnecessarily, intertwining your principles with the phrase "I'm sorry."

    In linguistics, it's part of social communication... routine verbal exchanges between individuals/groups of individuals that hold together society.

    Things like the everyday use of "Hello, how are you?" its response "I'm fine, thanks.", other statements such as saying "I'm sorry." for little things, or simply to be polite even when it may not seem necessary.
     
  16. Alistair Eurotrash

    Location:
    Reading, UK
    Contrary to some of the views expressed in this thread, I see the act of apology as one of strength and the inability to apologise as weakness.

    I also have no issue with "I'm sorry". It's a very clear statement, but inadequate on its own. It becomes powerful when it is combined with a description of what one is apologising for (thus demonstrating an understanding of the offence or problems caused). And you have to mean it.

    "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said X. It was unfair and I should have taken the time to understand your position better." It resolves the issue, heals relationships and allows for better communication.

    Of course, apologising just to make an awkward situation go away (when there is nothing to apologise for) is usually not good either. It leaves the issue unresolved.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  17. Fangirl

    Fangirl Very Tilted

    Location:
    Arizona
    Yes. Nicely put, Alistair.
    I'm freshly coming off a blowout with my SO I especially feel the truth in your last sentence.
    To shut me up and after I've asked for an apology I hear the words 'I'm sorry' but it's rendered with a sneer. It's meaningless yet the person who says it can say, 'What? I said I was sorry.'
    Please mean you are sorry (I need to stop asking for an apology, too. I should know better than to ask).
     
  18. Hi fangirl. When my friend thinks his partner needs to feel sorry, he starches his boxer shorts to the extent they can stand unaided - says he will be realy sorry when his pants start chaffing.
    Alistair, yes, to me its a sign of weakness when people cant appologise for fear of losing face one assumes. Strong men cry too dont they.
     
  19. Fangirl

    Fangirl Very Tilted

    Location:
    Arizona
    Hey there, chinese crested!
    Fun story of the starchy boxers. :)
     
  20. Now you will have to plot Fangirl - hee hee. Something small - knife in the back wont work, he probably would still fail to see an appology to you, a true one, is in order - and we dont want you dragged off for his unreasonable behaviour.
    A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged masculine features. And when she is on her period, she prefers a man doused in fucking petrol, set on fire, with scissors stuck in his fucking eyes and a cricket stump jammed up his bastard arse - or so I have heard.;)
     
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